Chapter 14 - Yoongi: The person that changed everything

It was that day, when he decided to finally jump – March 9^th. The day of his beginning, which should have also become the day of his end…

His parents both worked for an international company overseas as well as in Korea, therefore he grew up in his grandparent’s house in Daegu when he was little. His parents had asked him once, if he wanted to stay in Korea or come with them, but Yoongi decided to stay. He loved his grandparents, and he didn’t want to change schools every six months. His parents agreed and gave his grandparents all the money to support him financially and to pay for a good school as well as for extra classes. Even though he attended a very good school, his grandparents raised him in a modest way. That house was the place, where he had learned to play the piano. It was the house he felt most comfortable in. It was his home and the best place in this world. However, every time he met his parents, he felt like they were strangers. He didn’t feel any sort of connection to them, but he didn’t mind. It was like his parents were just there to visit the house and his grandparents, but it never felt like they came to visit Yoongi. It was ok though, his grandparents were like real parents to him. They were the world to him, but with a certain age they became old and sick. Eventually, when he entered 11^th grade both of them died peacefully. That was also the time he stopped enjoying playing the piano.

For Yoongi his world broke apart. He had never felt so alone his entire life and didn’t know what to do. His parents decided to come back from overseas to support their son in Seoul. Yoongi hated the situation. He had to change schools, he didn’t have any friends there and he lived with people he didn’t even really know. He rather wanted to just live on his own, but his parents were against it. He wanted to attend a normal High School, but that wasn’t an option either. His parents made sure, he would go to a prestigious school in Seoul in order to enter one of the best Universities in the country. Yoongi didn’t really have a choice or anything. He basically just obeyed.  At first, he hated Seoul. His precious grandparents weren’t there anymore, his classmates in school were spoiled snobs and he didn’t really find anything enjoyable. It was when he started to stay out in the streets longer and longer, because he didn’t want to go home. He thought it was useless to have a meaningless conversation with his parents anyways. He rather spent his time alone than having to pretend to know these people, that called themselves his family.  

He encountered a group of five friends that were dancing in the streets. He had watched them for a long time and really enjoyed it. After a while one of the guys came over to him and asked if he had enjoyed it. They ended up hanging out the rest of the night and somehow Yoongi was included in the crew, even though he couldn’t dance at first. The crew ended up becoming friends, without realizing it. They were hanging out basically every day from then on. One day Yoongi realized that his friends were more his family than his actual parents. He should’ve been happy, but somehow, he still couldn’t find true happiness in his life. Of course he was still young, with a lot of opportunities for his future, however he somehow lost all incentives.

“Min Yoongi”, his friend Namjoon started. “What’s going on? You seem to be out of it lately…”

“Nothing, I’m fine”, Yoongi assured him.

“I don’t believe you”, Namjoon nagged.

“What do you want to do later?” Yoongi asked him.

“Me? I don’t know… get a job, find a girlfriend… something like that I guess”, Namjoon replied.

“Did you never think, that we could become something bigger?”

“Like what?” Namjoon asked.

“I don’t know… just something more… meaningful”.

Namjoon had to think about it for a little bit. “I don’t think about stuff like that, it only gives you a headache. I just live in the moment, it’s more fun”.

Yoongi envied Namjoon’s easygoing way of thinking. Namjoon had always been a good friend to Yoongi. He could always ask him for advice, even though he was younger.

“Just promise you’re not going to do anything stupid…” Namjoon then said.

“What do you mean?”

Namjoon put his arm around Yoongi’s shoulder. “I know you’re under pressure because of school and your parents and stuff. I understand that you still miss your grandparents, but we’re your family now… Don’t leave us hanging OK?”

Namjoon always seemed to know what to say. Yoongi had gotten back into studying and concentrating on school. He practiced dancing with his friends every day, but somehow he wasn’t satisfied with any of it. A few weeks later Yoongi couldn’t stand his life anymore. He felt like nothing he was doing was right, as if he was cursed to make one mistake after the other, even. Every time he was at home he ended up fighting with his parents about useless things. He couldn’t keep up his grades even though he studied hard and the teachers were complaining about him skipping class. His parents found out that he spent most of his time with his crew and demanded him to quit and focus on his studies. As he told his friends everything, he asked for their advice. His friend Taehyung suggested to reach out for help. In order not to lose him, they would practice and study together. At the same time they made up a rule to not meet each other Sundays. After that, they managed to practice and study at the same time, and therefore his parents complained less, as Yoongi’s grades had gotten a little better. They still wanted him to be the top of his class, which Yoongi just couldn’t do.

“If you would spend less time with these common people, you would’ve reached your goal already!”, his mother complained. They were fighting again. “Stop wasting your time with these people. They are of no use for your life.”

“What do you even know about my life?!” Yoongi screamed.

“You’re my son! I just want the best for you!”

Yoongi was getting angrier and angrier. “Do you really? Then how come you and dad only came by a few times when I was still living with grandma and grandpa? Do you even know how they struggled without you?”

“They didn’t struggle, we sent them money every month.” His father threw in.

“You are really stupid… I’m not talking about money, but I guess people like you would never understand…”

“Do you have this sort of ideas from your so-called friends?” his father asked.

“Don’t talk about them like this!” Yoongi demanded.

“Why? What are they even doing for you? What can they offer?”

“They are my family!” Yoongi explained in a harsh tone.

“WE are your family!” his mother yelled at him.

“You were never here!” Yoongi screamed and ran outside of the house. That night was the first time he had slept at Namjoon’s place. His friend had always been quite independent, as his family struggled financially. In order to help them, he basically supported himself. All of the friends were always welcome at Namjoon’s place, even though it was a little small and shabby. He talked with his friend the entire night, trying to find a way to cope with the next two years. He only needed to finish High School, then he would be an adult and could do whatever he wanted. He was just so glad to have such a good friend. They tried to figure out what to do. How could Yoongi keep up his grades and not go crazy at the same time? The pressure in this country regarding school was just too high. Namjoon suggested to get psychological help. He had heard from a classmate that it helped him to cope with the stress, therefore Namjoon thought it might help Yoongi to overcome his frustration and anxiety. The following week, Yoongi had an appointment with Mr. Lee

“Young man, what can I do for you?”, he asked, while filling two cups of tea.

“Honestly I’m not sure… my friend thought it might be a good idea to come for a consultation. I’m experiencing a lot of pressure from my parents and I don’t really know what to do about it…” Yoongi explained.

Mr. Lee suggested that Yoongi should talk to his parents and convince them to come to the consultation together. Yoongi wasn’t too amused about the idea to talk about to this to his parents, but it was better than having to fight with them all the time. He just wanted to live peacefully without them nagging too much. His parents were more than surprised, when Yoongi told them. To his surprise they agreed to come along though. In the next session however, his parents basically told him, that they didn’t really know who he was anyways. They were strangers…

“Maybe it would be an option to give him help in the institution right outside of town”, Yoongi’s mother talked to Mr. Lee. “A friend of mine is the founder of it, I could talk to him.”

Mr. Lee smiled at her. “Actually, I work there as well. I have my own clinic here in the mornings, and in the afternoon, I usually head over to Mr. Bang’s clinic.”

“That’s wonderful!”, Yoongi’s mother said. Yoongi didn’t know what to think. Were they planning to send him to a shrink without even asking him? He wasn’t crazy or anything, he just wanted to find a way to endure his parents and the rest of high school.

“Are you not going to ask for my opinion?” Yoongi interrupted them. “I’m not going there!”. Of course, Yoongi had been ignored by his parents. They didn’t care if he wanted to go there or not but ended up sending him there against his will anyways. All the time he spent there was better than the times he had spent with his parents though, and eventually he started to like this place. It was the first time he felt like he had a home after his grandparents died. At the same time, he missed his friends. He hated being sent there, but at the same time he didn’t want to spend time with his parents. He had been talking to Mr. Lee for around a month already. On the day of his birthday he asked for permission to go outside to meet his friends for the special occasion. What he didn’t tell Mr. Lee was, that none of his friends knew when Yoongi’s birthday was. They haven’t known each other for that long and the topic just never came up. That night Yoongi just walked through the streets of Seoul without knowing where to go. None of his old friends from Daegu, nor his parents even sent him a message that day. Did they forget that it was his birthday, or did they simply not care? Somehow, Yoongi ended up on a bridge at Han river. He stopped and breathed in the fresh air. In the night lights, Seoul looked somewhat peaceful. He wondered if anything would ever change in this society… he wondered if he could ever break the circle of his insignificant life but came to the conclusion that he would never be able to. He called Namjoon.      

“Finally you call! Why aren’t you answering when I call you!”, he yelled right after picking up the phone.

“Sorry… the schedule over there is quite packed”, Yoongi said. Honestly, he just didn’t know what to reply to his friends, that was the true reason why he never picked up. Tonight, he wanted to hear his friend’s voice again though.

“When are you going to get out?” Namjoon worried.

“I think it will be over soon”.

“OK, good! We need to get you out of there and show your parents that you’re totally sane”, Namjoon announced.

“Namjoon…” Yoongi started but didn’t finish the sentence.

“What is it?”

“Never mind, I’ll tell you another time. I think I have to hang up now…” Yoongi ended the conversation.

“OK, but please reply to our text messages OK? I’ll see you soon then!”, Namjoon happily said.

After hanging up on his friend, Yoongi just kept standing on the bridge. He didn’t know how many hours he was just standing there, looking over the railing. The place he was standing had a lot of signs attached to the railing. How have you been? Have you eaten? Just looking at these sentences Yoongi felt pathetic. The last time someone had asked him this, was when his grandparents were still around. Ever since then, he was left alone. Of course, he had his friends, but he only knew them for a short time now. He felt more like a burden to them. Sometimes he wondered if they took him in because they pitied him. He turned off his phone and kept staring down into the water. The water was pitch black. It seemed like it even swallowed the city lights. If he would end it now, he would just vanish from this world like these lights. The more he thought about it, the more he felt exhausted. It wasn’t only mentally but also physically. He didn’t have the strength to keep fighting with his parents. He didn’t have the strength to keep being a burden to his friends. He didn’t want to keep going, chasing a dream he didn’t have.

He climbed on to the railing and stood there thinking about if he really wanted to take this next step. He listed all the pros and cons of dying inside of his head. He came to the conclusion that it was best for everyone if he was just gone. He had thought about doing this sort of thing more than once before, but never actually tried to do it. He expected himself to be nervous or anxious, but that wasn’t the case. As he stood there he felt a peace. His heart was beating regularly, his breathing was controlled and his thoughts were clear. It felt like he could finally write his last chapter. Of course his friends would be sad, but they would get over it. He didn’t care what his parents would think of it, however he wanted to see his grandparents again. He would be reunited with them soon… Then, he jumped…

He didn’t know if he was dead, but he was definitely thinking. His brain was working. He was even breathing. He tried to find out what was going on. He only saw darkness but the more he concentrated he realized that he wasn’t some sort of ghost. He didn’t die. Every breath he took was hurting in his chest. He tried to move but couldn’t. His senses were chaotic. He tried to calm down. He couldn’t see or smell anything. However, he felt pain in his entire body. The pain he felt was indescribable. He knew, that if he wasn’t dead, all of his bones must’ve been broken. To jump off from that height should’ve killed him. It seemed like the impact the water had on his body broke him into pieces, literally. He couldn’t remember anything after he jumped, but he knew that he wasn’t in the water right now. He slowly tried to open his eyes. He saw nothing but white. It was too bright, so he had to blink a few times. After his eyes were used to the lighting, he realized that he was looking at a ceiling of a room. Then he slowly realized that he was hearing a digital tone. It was a regular tone… beep…. Beep… beep.

He was in a hospital! In that moment, the sound of the machine became faster. His heart was racing. He had so many emotions inside of him that he couldn’t classify. He cried like a baby and every movement he made was painful.

“Yoongi! You’re awake!”, he heard Namjoon’s voice. Namjoon’s voice sounded husky. Yoongi wanted to see where his friend was, but he couldn’t move. As if Namjoon could read Yoongi’s mind he moved up to Yoongi’s head. Yoongi was so shocked to see his dear friend in tears. Namjoon seemed to be exhausted. He kept crying, while looking at Yoongi.

Yoongi felt desperate that he didn’t die, but at the same time he was glad. Just looking at Namjoon made him realize that it was a mistake. The sadness in Namjoon’s eyes nearly killed him for real this time. Yoongi couldn’t keep looking and closed his eyes. After that Namjoon had called the others to welcome Yoongi back into life. They told him, that he had been unconscious for around two days and that almost all of his bones were broken. The jump would’ve killed him, but luckily a police officer had just driven by, in the moment Yoongi jumped. He had called an ambulance right away and saved his life. Through his friends, Yoongi also found out that he was in a really good hospital, as his parents demanded to transfer him there. However, his parents didn’t show up so far.

The next month his friends visited him in the hospital every day. They talked about everything. About gossip in their schools, about new songs and also about their deep thoughts. They wanted to understand Yoongi’s decision, and so Yoongi opened up to him. His friends knew everything about him, and also shared their dark secrets with him. Just looking at his five precious friends, he was glad he didn’t die. They were his family and he couldn’t let them down again. In that month his parents had come by as well, but Yoongi had no intention to talk to them. He straight up ignored them or pretended to sleep whenever they came. As his entire body was in a cast therefore, he couldn’t move much anyways. They were the reason that led to his decision in the first place but didn’t even realize it. After the month had passed Yoongi was finally able to move again. The doctors took off the cast and put on a lighter support on the bones. This way his bones could continue to head, but Yoongi would be able to move a little bit. Just to finally washi himself again was just an amazing feeling. Even though it took him forever in the shower, as he still felt pain all over his body, he felt great. It was the first time in a month that he had seem himself in a mirror. He looked like someone punched him in his face. His body was full of bruises as well. It felt a little pathetic, but it was his own fault for being in this situation. Of course, every movement was still painful, but at least they could start with his recovery now. The doctors often told him that he was lucky with this extraordinary healing process. Most people that tried to commit suicide were not as lucky as him. Most of them couldn’t walk anymore or had huge damages to their brains, which led to speaking or thinking disabilities. Yoongi was a lucky case indeed. If he would follow the rehabilitation schedule the chances of a full recovery were really high.

It was in this hospital, where he had met the boy that changed his life. The boy that led him to more mistakes and decisions he shouldn’t have made. As Yoongi wanted to get out of this hospital soon, he spent the mornings with physio therapy. He wanted to be able to dance with his friends again. Therefore, he used every minute practicing. He walked by the reception and heard some nurses talking.

“Here you should eat this. Jisoo gave this to us yesterday”, one nurse said, while drinking something that looked like expensive herbal medicine.

“I feel so bad for her. She comes here every day to visit her brother, even though there is no treatment left for him.”

“I know right… she’s such a strong girl…”, Yoongi heard another nurse saying, while passing them by. He realized that he wasn’t the only one struggling. Other people had it worse than him. While he tried to end his life, others didn’t even have a choice. Yoongi felt ashamed and decided to keep practicing. He wanted to regain his strength soon. He was walking on crutches but still wanted to accept the challenge and take the stairs. He wanted to go up to the rooftop to get some fresh air. It took him almost twenty minutes to overcome all of the stairs. Then he finally arrived at the rooftop. He was exhausted and needed a break. He just stood there and breathed. After a few moments of just calming down his racing heart and his tight muscles, he realized that he wasn’t alone. To his left he saw a young man standing close to the edge of the building just looking at the city. The man was maybe slightly older than Yoongi. Maybe it was fate or the beginning of Yoongi’s never ending punishment. The boy he saw in front of him was going to change his entire life again. It was that person that changed Yoongi from the core. It was that person that hunted him in his dreams. The person that changed everything…

That person was him – Kim Seokjin.