Chapter 2 - I smiled today 

Kim Seokjin was Jisoo’s big brother. He was her everything, her role model, her hero, her best friend. They weren’t real siblings though. Seokjin was her stepbrother. Jisoo’s mother had married Seokjin’s father when she was around five years old. At first she didn’t want to have a new father and a brother, but the moment she saw Seokjin that day, her entire world changed. He was just like her, a young, obedient child that had no one to talk to. Even though they were children, both of them knew that they needed each other to survive in this world. Their parents were politicians and therefore Seokjin and Jisoo were always in the media as well. At least for Jisoo, Seokjin was her sun. He made her life bright and worth living for. She was truly happy until Seokjin was diagnosed.

 Even though she was younger, she tried to be by his side as much as she could to support him. Seokjin did indeed have a hard life. As a child his mother had already passed away due to cancer but then he also suffered from this type of cancer, as it was caused by a rare form of an inherited disease. He became sick in his last year of college and just before graduation took place, he was gone. His illness was severe, and he didn’t have a lot time left, however he didn’t die due to this illness. He died because he chose to. Just before Jisoo ended her junior year in High School her brother threw himself from the hospital rooftop, she was told. He was dead in a second. He died alone, while Jisoo couldn’t be there for him. She would never forgive herself for that.

Before Seokjin became sick, Jisoo had a lot of friends and was quite popular in school. Even though she wasn’t like that when she was younger, Seokjin had always encouraged her to make friends in school. In addition, a super handsome brother and a wealthy and influential family were other aspects of her popularity. When they found out he was sick, Jisoo decided to be by his side. For her it was more important to help him get through this, than having friends that only cared when everything was fine. Their parents have always been very busy. Sometimes the siblings wondered, if their parents even remembered that they had two children. Both Seokjin’s and Jisoo’s friends contacted them less and less after Seokjin’s diagnosis. Maybe they were scared of losing a friend at that age, or they simply didn’t really care. It didn’t matter to Jisoo. She never really saw them as true close friends anyways. In her opinion they were all fake and only wanted to be friends with her, due to the popularity of her parents. The only thing that was important for her was to keep her brother company. She hoped he could become healthy, but she knew the chances weren’t high, but she didn’t allow herself to give up hope. Seokjin was the only thing she had. She knew she couldn’t live without him, as he was always by her side. If the day would really come at least she didn’t want him to die alone. Jisoo’s biggest regret was her absence when her beloved brother died. She would never forgive herself for that. Never…

As mentioned, Jisoo’s family was quite famous as both of her parents were politicians. It’s not like they didn’t have enough money to pay for Seokjin’s treatments, but his body kept rejecting any sort of treatment. They did try everything. It was exhausting physically for Seokjin but mentally for Jisoo. Her parents came by once a week, whereas she was there every single day. Sometimes she felt so hurt that her parents acted like this, but Seokjin reassured her that he didn’t mind. He rather wanted to spend his time with Jisoo than talking to their parents pretending everything was fine. Pretending was something both Jisoo and Seokjin learned from a very young age. The only people they could trust and be true to were themselves. That’s why their relationship was so deep. They knew everything about each other. They knew their thoughts and their dreams, as the rest of the world only saw them as perfect siblings without a flaw. They have seen the best and the worst of each other but still respected and accepted each other for who they truly were.

Jisoo was finally ready to open her eyes and face reality. Her mother was still crying next to her. Her Stepfather took a phone call in the meantime. But why was her mother crying and why did her father come as well… they never really came to visit Seokjin either. Jisoo was sure that they wanted to make sure that they at least had one child left for their show. Just as Jisoo opened her eyes her father ended the call.

“Finally, you’re awake! One less problem then. That’s good” he said to her. Jisoo wasn’t sure how to react to this sort of comment. She always liked her stepfather, even though he had troubles expressing his feelings. Of course, he knew how to talk and what to say to impress people, but at least at home he tried to be a genuine human being. This on the other hand just showed his lack of social skills. As a politician his perfect acting skill was amazing, at home Jisoo always felt as if he had troubles to let out emotions and feelings though. He only showed them to her mother from time to time.

“Jisoo! My baby, finally you’re awake. We have a lot to do.” Her mom said, while wiping away her tears. “As you know your brother is gone… and you have been unconscious for a few hours. We were really worried about you! But lucky you’re awake now. This means we can talk about what to do next.”

Her mother took out a hand mirror and a lipstick out of her pocket to fix her makeup. Jisoo could only stare at her. Was this woman serious? Seokjin just died and she was going to plan how to act from now on? Just what was wrong with this world that it had to be like this. Jisoo and Seokjin always knew that both of their parents never wanted to have kids in the first place, but after both of them were born and their parents decided to get married they eventually saw having kids as a blessing. Not for the family, but for their careers. At least the siblings had each other, so eventually they didn’t mind. The situation Jisoo was in now on the other hand made her furious. Did they not even care that one of their children just died? Jisoo’s eyes teared up. She started crying and turned away from her mother.

“Darling are you ok?” her mother asked.

“Honey, let’s leave her be for the time being. I don’t think she is ready. She’s still a child you know” her father said behind her mother.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. Jisoo… I’m sorry. Please get well soon, we want to hold the funeral soon. We will go and start the preparations and you stay here until you’re feeling better. The doctors will take care or you”.

These were the last words her parents directed at her directly for a long time. Jisoo started to hate them more and more. They treated Seokjin’s death like it was a normal situation that had to be covered up. Jisoo hated them so much in that moment. After she left the hospital she was sent home by a driver. They had a lot of employees at their house, but no one talked to Jisoo or at least asked how she was doing. Everyone pretended nothing happened.

After Seokjin’s death the family was of course devastated, but her parents tried to never talk about it. Seokjin and Jisoo have always been taught to not show emotions and to not act out. They have been the perfect children. Well mannered, well-educated and most importantly well controlled. Her family liked to call Seokjin’s death “an incident” and that was also how it was portrayed in the news. The media got paid by her parents in order to say, that Seokjin’s death was due to his cancer. Nothing about a suicide ever showed up. Not only their lives were a lie, now even their deaths were altered.

Ever since her brother’s death Jisoo didn’t talk. She didn’t say a single word. The worst part was, her parents didn’t even care. She felt like an accessory in her own house. With Seokjin gone it wasn’t a home anymore. Nobody asked how she was feeling, nobody came to visit her and nobody understood how she was feeling. Her father continued working like nothing ever happened and her mom buried her pain in a lot of alcohol. In times like this, when the family went through situations that affected them all, Jisoo would usually ask her brother for help. In times of scandals the family knew how to act in public, what to say and what not to say and most importantly how to lie and pretend everything was fine. Even Seokjin’s funeral was the perfect show. The mourning family at his ceremony that didn’t have strength left to cry. As for Jisoo she really felt as if her body was dried out. She had no more tears left. She had been crying for hours and hours, days and days. She couldn’t remember when her tears stopped. She had to think of Seokjin’s letter. She knew every single word. These words were stuck in her head and she could never get them out. Every word was a scar that needed time to heal. Looking at her parents on the other hand, Jisoo wasn’t sure if they were actually sad or just pretending to be at the ceremony.

Jisoo felt empty. She wanted to feel something, anything. She only had four weeks of school left until summer vacation. One day, around two weeks after the funeral, instead of going to school she went to visit her brother. Since his death she didn’t go to school. Her parents asked her to go back without asking for her agreement. They just expected her to go back to school and concentrate on High School like nothing ever happened. She couldn’t stand it and decided to go see her brother. It was the first time she had talked ever since his death, it was also the first time she went to see her brother. She wanted to tell him everything that happened while he was gone. She told him how her parents handled his death. After a few hours of just sitting there and finally crying again she felt like the weight of the world was finally a little lighter. She knew her brother was listening to her, wherever he was. The rest of the day she just walked through the streets of the city. She came home around 10PM. Her mother was in the living room, her dad seemed to be in his study room.

“The school called me today. Apparently, you didn’t go” her mother said with no emotion.

Jisoo had no intention of replying to her. 

“I told them you weren’t ready yet. They understand. If you want you can study at home, I’ll hire a teacher. This way you only need to go in to take the exams.” her mom ordered her around without even asking for Jisoo’s opinion. Jisoo hated this. She hated everything. What was wrong with this woman? Sometimes she felt like her mother didn’t even have a heart. Jisoo didn’t reply and went up to her room. She threw herself on her bed and just stared at the ceiling. This was probably her new and only hobby nowadays. The rest of the week she left the house early in the morning and came back after 10PM. She didn’t want to see her family. Her only family was gone…

On the weekend she slept until lunchtime just to find her prepared lunch on the table downstairs. The house was empty. There was only Jisoo and the house staff. The staff were really nice. They tried to cook Jisoo’s favorite meals, they cheered her up and talked to her, even though she wouldn’t reply. In the afternoon she decided to go out in the city. The silence and emptiness in the house were driving her crazy. She had to go to a place with a lot of noise. She decided to go to one of the main shopping areas in the city. She liked to observe the people and imagine what kind of stories they would have. She knew very well that there was always someone who was in a worse place. Jisoo also knew that she was privileged. She had a wealthy family and could do whatever she wanted. She didn’t want to think of the future though. In this moment her life seemed not worth living. The silence made her think of too many things at once as well. That’s why she decided to go to a crowded place. She just wanted to hear noise and see other people. She wanted to be distracted by her own thoughts. She wanted to smile and feel happy. She knew that was what Seokjin would’ve wanted from her. She couldn’t continue to petty herself. He wanted her to live and not to drown in sadness.

Jisoo walked around in the main shopping area. It was a nice day. The sun was shining, and families and friends were out eating ice cream or playing around. There was a lot of music and a lot of people standing in a side area. Jisoo decided to check out the place. There was a street dance crew performing! It was the first time in several days that she felt a little excited. She had been dancing ballet ever since she was five. It was the only hobby she decided on her own, without her parents making her do it. Seokjin cheered her on at every recital so after a few years she didn’t care that her parents never came. She loved to dance and she loved seeing these guys dancing. Sadly she came just when their performance was about to end. The crew consisted of six guys all dressed pretty cool. They seemed tough but still appreciated the applause. As they cleaned up their equipment the crowd disappeared. Meanwhile Jisoo sat down on a bench and took out a little notebook she always had with her.  It was a present her brother had gotten her before he got sick. She usually drew scenes, her observations or just her thoughts in the notebook. After a while one of the guys from the crew came over to her.

“Hi. Ehm… I know this is weird and maybe rude to ask, but I just wanted to know if you’re ok?”

Jisoo looked up from her notebook. She realized it was one of the guys of the dance crew. She just looked at him very confused.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? I mean usually people are happy and excited after our performance. You’re the first person that we made cry.”

Jisoo was checking her checks with her fingers. She was indeed crying. She didn’t even notice.

“So did you think it was that bad?” he asked with a slightly teasing voice.

“No” Jisoo said. She noticed her voice was a little rough as she hasn’t talked to anyone for way too long. “It was amazing actually”.

“So we brought you to tears of happiness then. That’s good! The guys in the crew were worried and send me over” he continued and scratched the back of his head. Jisoo noticed the rest of the crew standing there, looking at the two talking, while tidying up the rest of their equipment.

“Oh sorry. It’s really nothing, don’t worry. You guys are great!” Jisoo assured him.

“Ok then” the guy said and went back to his friends. Halfway there he turned around again: “You sure you’re really ok?”

Jisoo nodded and smiled at him. He smiled back and he and his friends took their things and left. Jisoo watched them a little longer. The guy she was talking to turned around again just to check if she was still there. Just this look helped her. This kind of human interaction with someone who actually asked her if she was OK or not, was what she needed. It was the right decision to go out.

Later she went home again. All the excitement she had just before with a small encounter faded as soon as she entered the house. She went into Seokjin’s room. Everything in there was full of life. Even though he wasn’t there anymore, his room still seemed like he never left. On his nightstand there was a picture with her and him. She took it in both her hands and looked at it. She told him about her day hoping the message would reach him where ever he was.

“I smiled today” she told him, “not because I was forced to but because I felt like it”. For Jisoo the feeling of a smile on her face was weird. She told him how she missed to dance, how she missed to laugh and how she missed him. She had to cry again. She was wondering how her body was still able to produce more tears. She felt so exhausted. A month already passed but she still didn’t feel like doing anything. How long would it take for her to be able to live an ordinary life again? Or would she be like this for the rest of her life? She didn’t know. She was lying on his bed and then fell asleep.

She woke up from her mother’s scream: “Get out of this room now!” her mother yelled at her. Jisoo opened her eyes and saw her angry mom. She didn’t know what was going on. Her mother dragged her out of the bed until Jisoo fell on the floor. Her mom dragged her out of the room and left her on the floor in front of Seokjin’s room. “Don’t go in there anymore! Ever!” she screamed.

“Why? This isn’t your room” Jisoo yelled back at her mother.

Her mother was surprised and shocked at the same time to hear Jisoo’s voice. “It’s also not yours. Don’t mess it up!” her mom eventually continued. She locked the room with a key and walked away leaving Jisoo on the floor in front of her brother’s room.

What in the world just happened? Since when did her mom care if Jisoo went in Seokjin’s room or not? Just when Jisoo thought she finally had an OK-ish day, her mother destroyed everything. She would’ve preferred if her mother just left her alone like she always did. As long as Seokjin and Jisoo behaved their parents never interfered with their lives at home. They were perfect kids. Maybe that was the problem. Being sad and depressed did not fit with the image that her mother had in mind. But what should she do? Jisoo was no robot, she had feelings and it hurt. It hurt to an extend that she wanted to end it all. And what the hell was this? Her own mother just threw her out of her brother’s room within seconds. Jisoo was so angry she couldn’t hold it in.

She ran down the stairs, opened the front door and went outside. It was already dark outside but she didn’t care. She wandered around the streets until she didn’t know where she was. It was OK for her though. She had no home to go back to anyways. She kept walking with no destination in mind. It was a little creepy at night but at the same time she was thrilled. Seokjin would’ve loved to hear a story, where his little sister started to rebel. Jisoo had to smile at that thought. It was getting cold but she didn’t take a jacket or anything. She was so angry and in such a rush that she just went out of the front door without taking anything with her. She had no idea what time it was, when she left the house. As her stomach gave her a sign to eat something Jisoo looked around for a while. She then found a little tent with street food. She didn’t eat anything since lunch. Now it was already 1AM but she decided to go over anyways. As she walked straight someone ran into her. She fell on the floor.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry” the guy said.

Jisoo looked up and to her surprise she looked into the same face as she did just this afternoon. It was the guy from the dance crew.

“Oh! It’s you!” he said. His face had a shocked expression “What are you doing in this area? You don’t live here…”

“Don’t move and stay there!!” someone from far behind yelled.

“!” the guy said while looking back over his shoulder. He grabbed Jisoo’s waist to help her up. “We gotta get out of here. NOW!” and without a warning he dragged her into a side ally.

“What are you doi…” Jisoo tried to ask but he covered with his hand.

“Be quiet. I’ll explain when they are gone” he said.

The two of them stood very close in the small alley. The guy was checking if his followers knew where they were, while Jisoo memorized his face. After a while he looked in her face as well and took away his hand.

“Sorry about that” he whispered. “I think we’re good to go now.”

“Why did you even drag me with you?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“I don’t want to be found and a witness makes this a little harder you know” he laughed.

Jisoo wanted to say something but her stomach interrupted her. The moment she opened to argue with him a loud noise came out of her.

“I guess I owe you food now. Let’s go.” he said while grabbing her waist again.

Jisoo tried to set her arm free “I don’t eat with strangers”.

He had to laugh: “Do you rather want to stay in the dark alley with me?”

“Obviously not!”

“Ok then we can eat something. I’m hungry!” he let go of her arm and walked over to the little tent Jisoo had seen before.

“Yah! Wait up for me!” she said and ran after him.