Chapter 25 - This was the moment she had been waiting for

After reading his diary for hours, Jisoo felt guiltier than ever before. Not only was she the reason for Seokjin’s suffering but also the reason for his decision to end his life. Her brother had always just focused his life on her, as if there was nothing else that mattered to him. However, Jisoo never noticed. This explained everything. It explained how much Seokjin really suffered, it explained why he had taken that decision and it explained Yoongi’s behavior as well. Just thinking about this Jisoo’s heart was in pain. Even though she basically just read her brother’s confession, she still had Yoongi in her thoughts. If her brother would see her now he would be so hurt. At the same time Jisoo was confused about what to feel. She did love her brother more than anything, but she never had any romantic feelings towards him, he was her precious brother and he always would be. It must’ve been so suffocating for him to see Jisoo every day. Jisoo closed the laptop and took the USB drive, just in case her mother would end up locking the room up again. Then she sat down on the floor and looked through the box again. Everything made sense now. Jisoo wasn’t sure what to do with all of this information. It was just too much all at once. How could she explain this to anyone? How could all of this be so twisted? Her own brother was in love with her and the person she loved, thought that he murdered her precious brother. What kind of sick love triangle was this? Jisoo was so angry at herself that she started crying.

It was her… she was the monster! Everyone around her suffered because of her and the worst thing was, that she didn’t even notice! Because of her Seokjin took his own life, just to protect her from his feelings. Because of her, Yoongi was suffering for something he didn’t cause, even though he thought so himself. Because of her even her parents were worried sick of what do to with her. All the heartbreak she experienced, her brother being gone, Yoongi technically breaking up with her, was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. She had never felt this horrible in her life. She felt like an abomination, someone that only brought harm to others. She felt as if her perception was collapsing. It was squeezing out the last bit of hope she had left. All she wanted was to have a normal life, go to University, find love, have a family of her own, just being happy… Now however Jisoo wasn’t sure how she could ever have any of it. How could she keep on living with this burden?

Jisoo cowered on the floor, crying her heart out. She didn’t even notice her mother coming in. She only noticed when she felt her mother putting her arm around Jisoo and caressing her head. They didn’t say anything for a long time. Then Jisoo was finally able to speak a little bit: “I… killed him”, she cawed. Her mother didn’t say anything at first. It seemed like she didn’t even know what to say, as if she was agreeing with Jisoo.

“Sweetheart, it’s not your fault”, her mother finally said.

“Then what is this?!” Jisoo screamed and threw the divorce papers to the side.

“That was a panic reaction, don’t worry too much about it, it’s nothing serious”, her mother tried to convince her.

“I know you didn’t fill that out!”

“What are you trying to say?” her mother asked charily.

“It was Seokjin… I know… that he…” Jisoo started but couldn’t finish her sentence. She just hated herself so much. Because of her the family was falling apart, it was all her fault and her mother tried to convince her otherwise. Jisoo had blood on her hands and her family tried to cover it up with a different story just like they were used to. But this time it was different. It wasn’t just a small incident or a scandal, this was murder. At the same time someone else was pretty much going crazy because of something he didn’t do. How could she ever ask him for forgiveness? Was she even worthy to be forgiven in the first place? Jisoo didn’t think so. It was now that she realized how burdened and terrible Yoongi must feel like. It made Jisoo sick.

“Jisoo, I know that this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but it will get better. Just imagine your brother to be at a better place now, guarding you from far away”, her mother tried to calm her down. “The wounds you have are not your fault Jisoo! But your healing is your own responsibility. I don’t want you to destroy yourself, that’s why I didn’t want you to come in her.”

“Then why did you anyways?” Jisoo wondered.

“Because your father doesn’t know the reason. He thinks I locked it because it was too painful to see your brother gone, he doesn’t know anything about the divorce papers nor about your brother’s feelings, and I want it to keep it that way”, her mother said. “Your father thinks that our Jin took this decision because his illness made him fall into a depression, that’s also why your behavior is worrying him like crazy” her mother continued and Jisoo understood. Her dad was the cutest and sweetest father she could’ve ever asked for. If he would find out, it would destroy his entire view on the world. Her mother as well as Jisoo both knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. However, Jisoo wasn’t sure if she could handle it herself. She wondered how her mother could live with his lie. She wondered how much her mother knew and if she read the diary. Jisoo figured that she probably didn’t notice that one folder in between of all the school folders. It was named for Jisoo after all, he wanted his sister to find it, which made Jisoo even more devastated. Her mother put her arms tighter around Jisoo to let her cry for a while. It felt good to have someone around her in that moment. She didn’t want to be alone with herself. She didn’t want to face the consequences of her being herself. After some time Jisoo stopped crying. Her body wasn’t able to produce any more tears. She thanked her mom for being with her, who cried herself as well, and went to her own room, so that her mother could finally go to sleep. Jisoo didn’t want to sleep though. How could she? She tried to think about nothing at first, but that was obviously impossible.

How could she ever face Yoongi again? He was suffering so much because of her. He on the other hand did everything to protect her, just like her brother did. How come everyone tried to protect her? What were they trying to protect her from? From herself? All these years Jisoo wondered what was wrong with her. She wondered if she turned out like this because she only lacked the love of her parents, but she always managed to replace that love that she didn’t get from them with Seokjin. He was always there for her and it turned out that he loved her even more than she had ever imagined. In reality however Jisoo realized that she was just bad from the very core. All her efforts of trying to become a considerate and decent person were wasted. How could something so rotten become good? How could someone like her ever be able to do the right thing when her very existence was the biggest pain in Seokjin’s and Yoongi’s life? Just what the hell was she supposed to do? After thinking about it all night long Jisoo decided to write a letter to Yoongi just like he did before. She didn’t dare to face him again. However, the words just didn’t come out. She didn’t know what to tell him. All she wanted was for him to stop blaming himself for something he didn’t do. She wanted him to keep going and live a happy life. Jisoo knew that she eventually had to stop being friends with Jennie and the girls in order to protect Yoongi from her. She didn’t want to drag him down into something he couldn’t escape from. She didn’t want to intoxicate his life any more than she already had.

She wondered how Seokjin had been this strong even in the moment of his death. Her brother managed to write her a letter, no even two, where he explained his feelings and why he took that decision. How was he able to handle all of these emotions? How could he write all of this without going crazy? Just thinking about writing her own feelings down made Jisoo numb. She didn’t know what to write. Eventually Jisoo ended up falling asleep on her desk. It was Friday already, and she had skipped school for an entire week. As it was only the second week of school Jisoo assumed that she didn’t miss anything too important, however she would have to go back eventually. At the same time Jisoo wondered why she even had to. What was left for her to do in this life?  

When she woke up it was already past lunchtime, but she didn’t have an appetite anyways. Jisoo went into her bed and her phone. The moment her phone connected to the Wi-Fi another dozens of messages popped up. Most of them were from Jennie but also from Lisa and Chaeyoung. She even received a text message from Mr. Lee asking if she was really sick, as she didn’t come to the session the day before. Jennie and her girls have been worried sick as well. Especially Jennie demanded her to call her back as soon as possible. She basically sent her two hundred messages every day. Just going through these messages made Jisoo sick. She hated herself so much. She didn’t deserve to have friends like this, she also didn’t deserve to be here with Seokjin gone in the first place. Most of all she didn’t deserve Yoongi’s love. Jisoo put the phone away and just kept staring at her room ceiling.  She had never felt this useless.

“Are you going to stay in your room like this forever” a voice said that she didn’t hear in a very long time. It was her brother and he managed to show up in the worst moment of all. Jisoo sat up from her bed and looked right at him. Seokjin was sitting at the end of her bed with crossed legs. Jisoo wanted to say something but she couldn’t. The way he looked at her stabbed her heart in multiple ways. How could he be so happy, even though he wasn’t even alive anymore? How could he look like everything was fine? Jisoo just buried her face in her hands and burst out crying. She couldn’t look at him. She wanted him to leave her alone, she just couldn’t handle him being there.

“Yah! Kim Jisoo get it together!” Seokjin said with a joking voice.

“How could you do this?” Jisoo finally managed to say.

“What?” Seokjin wondered.

“How could you just… why me?”

Seokjin didn’t reply for a while, as he seemed to be thinking about what to answer. “Because you’re the perfect version of you Jisoo”

“I’m not perfect at all, in fact I’m no good to anyone, I’m a monster!” Jisoo yelled at him. Seokjin however seemed to be laughing at her. It drove Jisoo mad. She wanted to hit him, but she couldn’t physically touch him. It was as if she only hit air. “Are you even here or are you just coming out of my imagination to haunt me?” she asked angry.

Seokjin seemed to think about that question. “Actually, I don’t know” he concluded. It made Jisoo so devastated. How could he not even know if he was there for real or not? It made her furious.

“Just why did everything turn out like this?” Jisoo started sobbing.

“Crying won’t solve the problem though”, Seokjin tried to joke, however it made Jisoo feel even worse. How could he still think about what’s good for her? Why did he not fight with her or at least try to argue? Had he always put Jisoo first? She herself didn’t even know. For her it had always been normal that her brother was always by her side to help her. She never considered him having his own life. She honestly just took his care it for granted. “I don’t want to cry, but I’ll break that way”, Jisoo told him. “Just why did I lose everyone…”

“Wow…” Seokjin said with a sarcastic tone. “How come you only think about yourself all the time?” he laughed. Jisoo looked up to see his face. Him sitting on her bed seemed to be so real, it scared her. The scariest thing though was that Seokjin knew more about Jisoo than herself. He knew that she was selfish, he knew that her world basically revolved about nobody else but her. Even if she would find an excuse, she knew deep down that she was the problem. Thinking about her brother and Yoongi were just means for her own happiness. Jisoo realized that she just wanted to be happy… but happiness was something she didn’t deserve anymore. She did not only destroy herself but also other people’s lives but on top of it all she kept using people to her own advantage.

“Why do you like me anyways? I’m the worst person on this planet. I killed you and I’m on the edge of killing Yoongi too! My very existence is painful for everyone around me!” Jisoo exploded. She couldn’t keep in her anger any longer. She hated Seokjin for being here and pretending that nothing was wrong. She hated him loving her and most of all she just hated being alive at that moment.

“See this is where you don’t understand how the world works Jisoo”, Seokjin told her. “You know… the world doesn’t revolve around you. You can be the center of someone else’s life but never of your own. Even if you think that you’re selfish, I know that in reality there’s something that’s way more important to you than your misery”.

“And what would that be?” Jisoo asked him angrily.

Seokjin smiled at her and didn’t answer for a moment. Then he said: “music, dancing and the person you love”.

Jisoo thought about these things for a second. It was true, all Jisoo cared about was feeling the rhythm in her body and to immerse herself into the music while dancing. The only thing that made her feel anything more intense then that was when she spent her time with Yoongi. She had never felt that way before. “Even if you’re right… I can’t enjoy these things anymore”.

“Why?”

“Don’t you understand? Because of me you did things that you shouldn’t have and I can’t even apologize for it! Because of me I’m only forcing people into liking me and I just don’t want to burden them any longer.”

“You didn’t force me into doing anything. I chose to love you, you didn’t make me do it Jisoo. In the end doing what I did was my own decision as well. Stop being such a fool already. You should just go to Yoongi and make up with him. I can’t stand seeing you like this!”.

“I can’t…” Jisoo started but couldn’t finish her sentence. Just thinking about Yoongi made her feel pain again, just when she thought her body had lost all abilities to feel anything at all. “Because of me you suffered so much, and I couldn’t even do anything because I just didn’t even know… I don’t want the same thing to happen to Yoongi… I could never forgive myself. It’s enough to live with one burden.”

“Don’t you think both of you are suffering even more by being separated from each other?” Seokjin asked his sister.

At first Jisoo wasn’t sure. She definitely was suffering without Yoongi, but it was better for him to be without her. She only reminded him of bad things, and she didn’t want to be someone in his life that would only make him remember things he didn’t want to. “I think he’s better off without me…” Jisoo figured. She didn’t deserve him.

“That means you really think that Jennie running after you that night or Taehyung finding you in the park was a coincidence?”

Jisoo was perplexed. What was the meaning of this? So many thoughts were in her head. Was Seokjin really a product of her imagination or was he an actual spirit that kept following her around without showing him to her? Was meeting her friends when she really needed them a coincidence? If it wasn’t, how did they know where she was? Perhaps… Min Yoongi? No, Jisoo just couldn’t accept this thought. How could this person still care so much about her even after all the things he had said to her? Jisoo felt embarrassed and ashamed at the same time. On the one hand she felt as if she didn’t deserve his care, on the other hand it mended the pain in her heart. However, she would never find out what really happened if she wouldn’t ask. She couldn’t face him again though, she just couldn’t. Jisoo kept crying.

“Just stop it, you make my heart ache”, her brother said.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t love you enough, I’m also sorry for making you this way…” Jisoo mumbled.

“That’s OK Jisoo. Not everything in life will go the way you want. I just think that you shouldn’t give up on the things you really need. You know why I made this decision? It was to give you the chance to find yourself and to be free… I didn’t want you to end up like this…” Seokjin explained. “You promised me”.

Jisoo was so angry. Was he seriously threatening her with a stupid promise she didn’t even really make? “Then what do you want me to do?! Do you want me to go back to him and pretend nothing ever happened? If I don’t tell him the truth, he will continue to blame himself, and if I do I can never be with him again…”

“There is no truth Jisoo… my decision has nothing to do with the relationship of you two. If you like each other I don’t see the problem!” Seokjin said slightly angry as well.

“It has everything to do with you! You’re the reason for everything in my life don’t you understand? Because of you I’m in this mess now! You should’ve never left me in the first place…” Jisoo sobbed and buried her face in her hands.

Seokjin’s anger vanished and turned into sadness. “Not even in my death I can be of help to you…” he quietly said.

“That’s not what I meant” Jisoo mumbled, but when she looked up Seokjin was gone. Again, he just left her behind without saying goodbye. Jisoo was devastated. She had no idea what to do. She had felt clueless a lot of times in the past few months, but this was the worst. She had no path to take that would lead to a good outcome anyways. She looked at a picture of Seokjin and her on her desk. Why was Seokjin insisting on her going back to Yoongi? Deep down she knew… he wanted to make Jisoo feel good and take all the blame and at the same time he wanted his friend to be relieved of his guilt. After thinking about it the rest of the day Jisoo made a decision. It was a decision that didn’t make her life better, but it would help everyone else. At least once in her life she wanted to do the right thing. She would end her friendship with the girls and tell Yoongi the truth as soon as she had the possibility, then she would go back to her old life and concentrate on school. It was the only way for redemption Jisoo could think of. She decided to get her life back on track. She didn’t want to, but she had to turn off her emotions again and turn back into the robot she used to be. First, she finally got out of bed, took a shower and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. She took some snacks into her room and sat down on her desk. She figured she had to make up for everything she missed in school and eventually sent Kim Jiwon a text messages asking him for materials on the things she missed. To her surprised he answered only half an hour later and even sent her an email with a list of what she had missed and what she would have to prepare for the next week. This was great! At least someone to rely on. Before she started working on the list, she decided to try to call Yoongi though. She wanted to arrange a time to meet him to get this over with, but of course he didn’t pick up. Jisoo wasn’t in the mood to try again and just sent him a text message.

               7:24PM ~Please call me back. I need to talk to you

Jisoo wasn’t expecting an answer anytime soon and spent the rest of the night until the early morning with school work. She slept the entire morning and continued with her school work after she got up again. Her parents were out as always so she didn’t even bother going downstairs to eat. She still had some snacks left from the day before, but she wasn’t even that hungry. She checked if she received a call or text from Yoongi but of course he ignored her. Jisoo would have to think of something else eventually. She kept doing her homework until the early evening. Finally, she was done with everything. They were still doing things in school Jisoo already knew, therefore it was quite easy for her to pick up the pace. If she would go back to school tomorrow, she would just say she was sick for a week and perform well as usual. The only thing she would have to figure out was Jennie. How could she explain to her why she didn’t want to be friends with her anymore? She didn’t want her to tell the truth…

For dinner Jisoo went downstairs to join her parents. They were surprised to see her there but didn’t say anything about it. They just talked to her as if nothing happened. This was probably this family’s specialty. They were all really good at ignoring issues but this time Jisoo was glad about it.

“Are you going back to school tomorrow?” her dad asked carefully. Jisoo just nodded and her parents seemed to be satisfied with her reaction. It was as if they didn’t expect much from her right now anyways. Jisoo was certain she could go on with her plan. She would become a lone wolf in school again, concentrate on her studies and just become a doctor eventually. This way she could at least pretend to be a good person. She didn’t want to burden anyone with her toxic self. She wanted to free all of them from her. The next day Jisoo was still eager to do so. She went to school as if nothing ever happened and put on an arrogant attitude. Of course, people were talking about her but she straight up ignored all of them. In class she only talked to Kim Jiwon and thanked him for his help, other than that she didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. At lunch time Jisoo planned to go straight up to Jennie and tell her that she wouldn’t hang out with her anymore, however Jisoo was scared. What was she supposed to say? She didn’t know… that’s why she escaped to the school rooftop. She didn’t want to meet Jennie in the cafeteria. She basically tried to hide from her. On the rooftop Jisoo felt strange. She couldn’t describe this feeling. She remembered just a year ago how she was standing on this very rooftop figuring out if she should jump or not. She remembered how she kept standing at the edge of the building for over two hours and she remembered talking to her brother that very night. It was the time she decided not to end her life and she also wouldn’t do it now. Before she ever deserved to take a decision like that she had to resolve all the issues she had caused.

She went back into her classroom, luckily no one was there. She didn’t want to cross paths with Jennie, because she just didn’t know how to explain. After lunchbreak the students came into the classroom and started whispering about Jisoo. They were probably gossiping whether the two had a fight or if something else had happened between them. Jisoo tried to ignore it and focused on her text book for the next class. The rest of the school day was quite ordinary. No one really cared that Jisoo had missed an entire week, but it also didn’t matter as Jisoo was bored in class anyways. She already knew everything from Ms. Choi. When the bell rang Jisoo waited for a little while in the classroom just to make sure not to run into Jennie. After around half an hour she finally decided to leave school and go home. Kim Wonhae should’ve been waiting in front of the school for her. She slowly walked out of the building and crossed the courtyard. Exiting the front gate she already saw the car waiting for her. However, Jennie was leaning towards the wall next to the gate outside of the school. Jisoo didn’t know how to react. She couldn’t walk away as Jennie had already seen her. If she wanted to get to the car she would have to pass Jennie anyways. Jisoo tried to ignore her and put on her arrogant attitude again. She just passed Jennie without looking at her, even though it was hard. She almost arrived at the car when Jennie finally said something.

“I’m sorry Jisoo” Jennie said quietly. What was this? Why was she sorry? It was Jisoo who felt bad and wanted the best for her friend, so why would she apologize?

Jisoo turned around, now she was curious. “What for?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“I can’t choose between the both of you… they have been my friends for too long. They are my family and I don’t want to pick a side, so please don’t make me do it”.

Jisoo wasn’t quite sure if she understood. Did Jennie mean pick a side between her and Yoongi? Jisoo felt almost relieved to hear this. Even though she was sad to lose Jennie as a friend, this was better than having to lie to her. Jisoo didn’t want to know any details, she just wanted a clean cut. She walked over to Jennie and took out the key chain. She took Jennie’s hand and put it in.

“Don’t worry about it. This would’ve happened eventually” Jisoo said with confidence. She didn’t want to hear Jennie’s explanation for this situation, she just wanted to get it over with. If she would start to talk to Jennie about her feelings she would probably break out in tears again and that was something she shouldn’t do right now.

“I’m sorry…” Jennie said and started crying. Jisoo forced herself to smile a little to make it easier for Jennie.

“Thank you, it was nice to have real friends for a little while” Jisoo said and turned around. She hoped into the car quickly as was all choked up. If she would’ve looked at Jennie only one more second she wouldn’t have been able to control her emotions. Kim Wonhae who saw everything didn’t say anything and Jisoo was thankful. Arriving at home Jisoo felt empty. Her parents weren’t home yet and no one else was there either. Maybe this was the first step for Jisoo. It was the first step on dealing with her loneliness. Her plan to end all relationships with the people she loved was easier than she thought. Jennie seemed like she wanted to end it anyways. Jisoo understood… Jennie had been friends with the boys for a long time and having Jisoo there with them would always make it complicated. At the same time Jisoo wondered what had happened in the meantime. Just a few days ago Jennie had sent her millions of messages saying Jisoo should call back, but now it seemed as if her opinion changed. Maybe she knew something… maybe Yoongi told them what had happened between them. The more Jisoo thought about it the more she understood. If it were her, she would also stay loyal to her old friend. Jisoo was jealous though. If Yoongi really told his friends what had happened, then they were still supporting him even though he did something terrible. In real life however it wasn’t him, but Jisoo. It made her feel even worse. She had to tell Yoongi the truth, she just couldn’t bare to let him walk around thinking it was his fault. She just couldn’t.

Jisoo tried to call him again, but as expected he didn’t answer the phone.

               7.58PM ~Please call me, it’s important

Jisoo didn’t expect an answer and started doing her homework. In the evening she ate dinner with her parents and told them all about how boring school was. Her dad told her that he had been looking into the best medical programs at different Universities and Jisoo was quite happy with it. This dinner seemed pretty much normal. Jisoo was back at controlling her every move and every emotion just as she had done together with Seokjin. From now on she wouldn’t let herself go again. Jisoo told herself that the short period where she acted differently was just a phase and that it wasn’t her true self. She had to get her life together again and she was already starting to walk down that path again. To Jisoo it seemed like the only right path she could take, there was only one more step she had to take.

The rest of the week went by quite quickly. Jisoo was concentrated on class and during lunch time both her and Jennie sat alone at their tables just like they used to. Everything seemed to be back in place. If Jisoo was only able to contact Yoongi… she wanted to get it over with. She just wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted to end his suffering and finally move on. She wanted to move on from her heartbreak of losing him and also from losing her beloved brother. She wanted to keep living with her burden without burdening anyone else. She just couldn’t be that selfish. Jisoo tried to call him several times every night but he never picked up. She also sent him a lot of text messages, but he also didn’t reply. At the end of the week Jisoo couldn’t stand it anymore. Did this person not want to be saved? She was desperate to talk to him but how could she find him now. Even though she had his number he didn’t react. She also couldn’t call Jennie because she was afraid that she would tell her the truth as well. Jisoo never planned to tell Jennie or the other girls. She didn’t want them to think of her as a monster, therefore she just wanted to hide it. So far it was ok, as long as they didn’t know nothing worse would happen. Jisoo was ok with losing her friends but she wouldn’t be ok if they hated her. Jisoo thought about going to the practice room of the boys, but she didn’t want to make a scene. She needed to talk to Yoongi in private without an audience. She needed to prepare herself for this talk as it would be the hardest thing in her life so far.

That night Jisoo put on a hoddie and a jacked and went outside. She needed some fresh air after all the studying. She kept walking without any direction but somehow, she ended up at the river again. Sometimes Jisoo wondered if she had a magnet inside of her that always sent her this way. She had been walking for over three hours already and it was past 2AM. She shouldn’t be outside this late but this time she remembered to take her phone and some money for a taxi. Across the other boarder of the river Jisoo saw the little park where she had met Taehyung a few days ago. Jisoo was still thankful to him. She decided to go over there and walked over the bridge. At that time no one was walking around besides her and it was quite dark. Normally Jisoo should’ve been scared to walk around alone at night but nowadays she just didn’t care anymore. After a few steps she saw a silhouette standing at the railing of the bridge. Jisoo wondered what type of person would be here at this hour. It was probably someone like her, who just needed to get out and sort his or her thoughts. The closer Jisoo walked the faster her heart was beating. She hoped her imagination was playing a trick on her and that person wasn’t the one she thought she was seeing. After trying to talk to him for so many days, she was scared now. If this was really Min Yoongi standing there, what should she say? How could she explain it? How could she say goodbye to him? She came closer to the person and the closer she got the clearer she could see him. It was him…

Jisoo stopped for a minute and collected all her bravery. This was the moment she had been waiting for. The moment she would finally tell him the truth and the moment he would finally be free of his evil thoughts. It was the moment all of this would end…