Chapter 22 - Just tell me why

Jisoo was still unable to breath. Just looking at him felt so unreal. Maybe she was dreaming or hallucinating. What the hell? Jisoo came to the conclusion that she actually went crazy this time and that she was only seeing things she shouldn’t. She trembled down the last step of the stairs and walked towards her parents.

“Oh Jisoo, you’re just in time. Please meet our guests”, her dad said. Jisoo bowed politely to them and introduced herself.

“This is our son Yoongi”, the woman said. Yoongi came forward a little and bowed in front of Jisoo’s parents. However, he didn’t look at Jisoo again. Jisoo realized that this was either really happening or that she was trapped in a really really bad nightmare. Was he going to ignore her? Her dad led them into the living room. Yoongi followed after his parents without a word or any sort of reaction. Only Jisoo and her mom were left behind.

“Are you OK?”, her mother asked. Jisoo couldn’t answer. was too dry to say anything so she just nodded. “You look great sweetheart”, her mom added. If it would’ve been a different situation Jisoo would’ve actually been happy about her mother’s compliment, but she just couldn’t think of anything right now. She felt like an empty shell. She wanted to run away, but she followed her mother into the dining room like a robot. If Yoongi was going to ignore her fine, she just had to endure a few hours. She sat down on her usual place, Yoongi however was sitting right next to her on Seokjin’s chair. It made Jisoo angry. It wasn’t the fact that he was sitting on that specific chair, but the fact that he was at her house in general. How could he even dare to show up after he told her to never meet again? How could he sit there and pretend he didn’t know her at all, after all they shared together? How could he pretend to be OK even though he clearly wasn’t? Jisoo started to actually hate him. Worst of all however was his perfect appearance. Jisoo had always liked him in his jeans and sweater, but now with his fancy pants and his button-down shirt he looked simply perfect. She was so annoyed that she couldn’t even be too angry at him. She felt a little pathetic. It was like these weak girls that cried after their prince, even though the prince threw them away. Jisoo didn’t want to be like that, but she couldn’t control her heart.

During dinner only the adults were talking. Jisoo and Yoongi as well didn’t say a single word, except if one of the adults were asking something. Other than that, neither of them was too talkative, but it seemed like their parents either didn’t notice or they just simply didn’t care. Jisoo was almost succeeding in not reacting at all until Yoongi and her both wanted to grab the saltshaker at the same time. The little touch felt as if Jisoo burned her hand, even though Yoongi’s hands were ice-cold. Her heart was beating so loud Jisoo was afraid he could hear it. She felt as if the time just didn’t go by. How long could a minute last? If this was a nightmare it was definitely way too long. After an eternity of not thinking about anything they had finally arrived at the dessert. Somehow the adults ended up talking about the garden, as Jisoo’s mom tried to plant a lot of rare plants. Then all of them decided to go there to see some of the plants themselves, before they would come back for another glass of wine. Jisoo prayed that Yoongi was interested in plants as well, but he didn’t move. She didn’t dare to look at him and just kept eating her desert.

Their parents had been gone for a few minutes now and only Jisoo and Yoongi were left behind at the dining table. She wanted to ask him so many things but she just couldn’t get out a single sound. This would’ve been the perfect opportunity. Here he couldn’t just walk away and he had to face Jisoo’s questions, but now that the chance finally arrived Jisoo just couldn’t get herself together. She wanted to know why he did what he did at first, but now she had a whole lot of new questions. Who in the world was he? How come his parents were people like this, but he pretended to be someone totally different? Who was the person she fell in love with? Was everything she knew about him a lie? Jisoo felt so betrayed. It was worse than anything she ever felt before. She couldn’t even describe what was going on in her head at that moment. She noticed a tear falling down her cheeks. Then she finally dared to look at Yoongi. If he wasn’t going to talk she would have to start then.

“Are you seriously pretending not to know me?”, she asked with slight anger in her voice. Yoongi turned his head to face her as well. His eyes were so empty. There was nothing in them, no emotion at all. It made Jisoo even sadder. He wasn’t only ignoring her, it seemed like he also refused to talk to her. Even though his appearance was more than perfect, she could see how exhausted he was in his eyes. He wasn’t doing well and Jisoo could see it.

“Just… Who are you?”, Jisoo asked. She knew that she wouldn’t get an answer from him but she asked anyways. They just looked at each other for a while not saying anything. Jisoo became so angry that tears were forming and before she even noticed she cried quietly.

“I’m sorry”, Yoongi whispered and turned his eyes away from her. It seemed like he couldn’t even bare to look at Jisoo like this. Jisoo on the other hand only became angrier. Who did he think he was? She stood up full of anger and went to the bathroom. She tried to fix her makeup but whatever she did it didn’t look any better. Why was she trying to fix it anyways? For Yoongi or to pretend that nothing was wrong? She was sick and tired of pretending. Just what the hell was this ridiculous situation? After Jisoo calmed down a little she waited for a little while. She was hoping her parents and the guests were back at the dining table, but when she was back there was only Yoongi sitting there. She wanted to go back into the bathroom but he had already seen her come out. She didn’t want to behave like a child, she was almost an adult after all.

“OK, I guess we’re both mature enough to work this out”, Jisoo started while sitting back on her chair. Yoongi however didn’t look at her at all. “Let’s just pretend we don’t know each other from now on if that’s what you really want”, she suggested. She was surprised by her own words but at the same time she was a little proud of herself as well. She felt mature for real. What was the use of crying in front of him? He would only send her away anyways. At the moment she couldn’t go anywhere anyways so all she could do was to save her own face.

“Let’s do that then…” Yoongi replied. His answer hurt Jisoo more than she thought it would. She was prepared for this answer, but it did hurt after all. Just then their parents came back in. They seemed to be right in the middle of a conversation and didn’t even care whether Jisoo and Yoongi were talking or not. As usual the kids were just there for some sort of decoration. It had always been like that. This time though, Jisoo was glad. She didn’t have to talk anymore and there wouldn’t be an awkward silence between her and Yoongi now. The rest of the evening went by slower than she wanted, but it did end eventually. She politely said goodbye to the guests and to Yoongi as well. She really did pretend not to know him, she just treated him as a stranger she had only met a few hours ago, and so did Yoongi. Jisoo was so hurt that she went straight into her room after they left. She didn’t even say anything to her parents at all. She took off all her make up and just changed into comfortable clothes. She sat on her little balcony and just stared at the other buildings. She didn’t look at anything particular.

Then finally the tears came. She cried so hard she thought there was no water left inside of her body. Was this how it felt like when someone dumped you? No, it was different… they didn’t even have a normal relationship. He was the only reason that kept her sane and safe, however he didn’t want to see her anymore and didn’t even tell her why. Jisoo couldn’t just move on if she would never get an explanation she could understand. If he would give her a real reason, just one, she would stop to have hopes. Now though, she couldn’t let go of him, not yet. She didn’t believe a single word he said. She knew that he felt something for her as well, she just knew it. Just looking at how tired and exhausted he was at the moment was proof of that. If he felt relieved and free of her he shouldn’t look like this. Something was definitely wrong and she had something to do with it. She couldn’t accept it without a good reason.

After Jisoo cried forever she called Jennie. Even though it was already past 2AM Jennie picked up the call right away. Jisoo told her what happened and cried again. Jennie was the only person she could call, as her brother wasn’t here.

“Please tell me this was a bad dream…. Did this really happen?” Jennie asked her concerned.

Jisoo couldn’t even answer anymore. She just kept crying. Just hearing Jennie’s voice made her feel better though. Meeting this girl was all due to the fact that she was in love with someone that kept pushing her away. Jisoo didn’t know if she could bare this situation any longer.

“You know what? Let’s forget about boys! How about we just hang out tomorrow and do something fun with the girls?” Jennie suggested. Jisoo wasn’t in the mood to do anything, however she agreed to her own surprise. She couldn’t stay in this house for too long. Everything here would just remind her of her brother or this awkward meeting today. She just wanted to get out so badly. After talking to Jennie, Jisoo somehow managed to eventually fall asleep. In the morning she still woke up quite early though. Her rhythm from the institution was still there. Her body probably thought that she was late for class, even though it was Saturday. Jisoo didn’t feel like getting out of bed however. She just wanted to stay there and not move for the rest of her remaining life. She just lost all of her motivation to do anything at all. She took her phone to listen to some music and just stayed in bed. At around 11AM she got a message from Jennie, telling her to meet in the city center in three hours. Even though Jisoo didn’t want to she did get up. She showered and went to the kitchen to have something in her stomach. She knew that she couldn’t drown in self-pity as she would definitely regret it later on. She had to be strong like she always had been. She was even strong when her brother went through the worst time of his life, therefore she couldn’t let herself go lose just because of a heartbreak.

She then went to the city center by bus. She just didn’t want to talk to anyone at her home today. Her parents left for work early in the morning, therefore she didn’t have to answer their questions. They were probably wondering what Jisoo thought about the dinner last night, but she couldn’t tell them what she really thought. If she would try she would probably break out in tears. Just sitting in the bus helped her to sort her thoughts. Even though it was hard for her she decided to wait for him to approach her. She already tried to figure out what was going on inside of him, but it seemed like he wouldn’t tell her anyways. She had to wait for him to open up to her voluntarily. Jisoo tried to forget, she tried to think about happy things, but at the moment she couldn’t think of anything else. There was only loss and pain in her life right now. It hurt so much…

Arriving at their meeting point the three other girls were already waiting for her. Just by looking at the reactions of the other two, Jisoo figured that Jennie had told them what was going on. Her three friends made sure that she would have fun. Most importantly, they didn’t ask or mention anything that could remind Jisoo of a certain someone. She was so glad to have them in her life now. She felt like these were her three best friends, even though she didn’t really know what friends were to begin with. However with these three, she could just be herself and they accepted her that way. The girls went to a gaming center and played games the entire afternoon. In the evening they went to eat together. Jisoo did forget about her troubles for real for a few hours.

“What should we do tonight?” Lisa asked during dinner.

“Mmmhhh… how about a movie night?” Chaeyoung suggested.

“We can also go clubbing to dance off the week” Jennie then said.

“Oh! Yeah let’s do that! We didn’t go in such a long time!” Lisa said happily.

“I don’t want to ruin the mood… but we will never get into the club… we’re still in High School”, Jisoo concluded. The three girls just looked at each other and smiled.

“I have my ways” Jennie said. Jisoo didn’t know what she meant but didn’t really care. As long as she could spend her time far away from her house anything was fine. They went to Lisa’s place to get ready to party. It was interesting to Jisoo. As Lisa’s parents were from Thailand everything looked so out of the ordinary at her house. Jisoo had never seen such a colorful and lively house. She felt physically and mentally warm just by being in this house. It was also really interesting to hear Lisa talk in Thai with her house employees. It turned out that her parents were some sort of ambassadors, therefore all of their staff from Thailand came with them over to Korea. Her parents seemed to be as busy as Jisoo’s parents, therefore no one was home. The four girls changed their clothes and put on make up. Jennie made sure that Jisoo looked awesome. Jisoo was wearing jeans hot pants and really cool black leather boots. Additionally she was wearing a black long top sleeve shirt that was cut open in the back. Usually Jisoo would’ve thought that this outfit was simply too much. It was too short everywhere and it did show too much skin pretty much everywhere, but today Jisoo really didn’t care. She just wanted to let all her energy out. She wanted to rebel a bit and just forget about everything.

After the girls were done they took a taxi to a club. It seemed like a really popular one, as there was a long waiting line at the front door. Jisoo thought they would never be able to get in, however Jennie just passed everyone and talked to the doorman. He just smiled at her and let her and the three girls in. Jisoo was more than impressed. Did four High School students just get in to a super popular club without even a little bit of effort? It turned out that Jennie’s parents were friends with the parents of the club owner. The owner was just three years older than Jennie and it seemed like he had a crush on her, just by the way Lisa and Chaeyoung were explaining the situation. It was a place where the rich kids could go partying without being confronted with the aftermath, as reporters and other media would never have a chance to get it. Usually only people who knew the doorman were able to get in anyways. The more Jisoo got to know about Jennie, the more she thought her friend was simply badass. Jisoo never even thought to use any of her connections for anything like this. She never even thought that being rich and knowing important people could be of any help for her.

In the club Jisoo felt awesome. It was the first time that she felt like an actual woman and not just a small little girl, which had a lot to do with her outfit. Jennie managed to get them a little seating space where they got drinks for free the entire night. Even though they were still in High School and underaged on top of that it seemed like no one there cared. All of the girls probably drank more than they should but especially Jisoo didn’t care. It felt great! It was so nice to dance with her friends and forget about all her troubles.  She liked how others looked at her with a little bit of jealousy. Yes, she deserved to have fun, she deserved to flirt with people and she definitely deserved someone that had the guts to tell her what was going on! Jisoo just danced like there was no tomorrow in the hopes of forgetting about everything. They had fun till 2AM at least, but of course everything got screwed up again. Jennie had been gone for over 20 minutes already but the girls didn’t notice. Jisoo on the other hand already felt a little too tipsy and from all the alcohol she really needed to go to the bathroom. She waited in line forever and after she got out she even bumped into someone. On Top of it all, that someone looked exactly like Yoongi. Jisoo knew she was drunk enough to imagine things, but at the same time he seemed so real. They just looked at each other for quite a while, but then Jisoo managed to make herself believe that she was just way too drunk.

“You know what’s funny? You look exactly like someone I know!” Jisoo said, even though her words didn’t come out as clear as they should’ve.

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”, the guy asked.

“Well… I would consider it a good thing. He’s the most handsome person I’ve ever seen!”

“That would make me handsome as well right?” the guy started to .

“No… Sorry… you’re out of his league”.

“Then where is this handsome guy?”

Jisoo started to be annoyed by these questions. Who was this weirdo who looked like this one person? “Well that’s a bit difficult for me to answer and I don’t want to talk about it”, Jisoo said with certainty in her voice.

“If he’s the reason for you to get this drunk he has to be quite an idiot”, the guy said.

“He’s the biggest idiot I know…” Jisoo replied, “but he’s still way too cute, you have no idea.” The guy however didn’t say anything. “It’s fine, you don’t have to compete with him anyways, I’m not interested in you” Jisoo muttered to her self and left to search for her friends without waiting for the guy’s reaction. After a few minutes she finally found Chaeyoung and Lisa. These two were tipsy enough as well, but they enjoyed themselves. They were overly excited when Jisoo joined them again. They really did try everything to make Jisoo feel included. Jisoo was so thankful that she didn’t want to tell them about her hallucination just now, she just wanted to keep dancing. Then Jennie came over and basically destroyed the mood.

“Jisoo… I think I did something… stupid”, Jennie started. Jisoo wasn’t sure what Jennie did, but nothing could destroy her mood tonight.

“I guess I somehow called Namjoon without realizing…” Jennie further explained.

“So what? Where’s the problem?” Jisoo wondered.

“What do you mean where’s the problem? The boys are here! Namjoon called to pick us up to bring us home… I didn’t want to go yet and then I somehow managed to get them inside” Jennie said devastated.

“Wait you mean all of them?” Chaeyoung asked who heard the conversation as well.

“No just Namjoon and…” Jennie started but didn’t finish her sentence while looking at Jisoo. Meanwhile Jisoo felt super embarrassed. This meant that she didn’t meet someone random or hallucinated. Yoongi was there for real. She wanted to run out of here so badly all of a sudden. What must he be thinking seeing her this drunk and all dolled up? She didn’t even know how to hide her embarrassment and her physical condition didn’t allow it at that moment anyways. Lisa noticed and put her arm around Jisoo.

“Do you want to go out?” Lisa asked her. Jisoo denied though. She was already so embarrassed nothing worse could happen now.

“No, let’s just pretend they aren’t here...” Jisoo suggested.

“Well Jennie probably can’t concentrate if Namjoon is here though” Chaeyoung laughed.

“Shut up!” Jennie responded in a sassy tone. The girls decided to go back upstairs where they had left their drinks for a while, while Jennie would convince Namjoon that they could go home safely on their own. From up there, where the girls were sitting, one could see the dancefloor and also the bar downstairs. The girls just gossiped around and laughed. However Jisoo didn’t feel like drinking anything else. Her mood was ruined, but she wanted the others to have fun though. She didn’t want to ruin their night by going home now. Jisoo kept scanning the dancefloor for Yoongi but he was nowhere to be seen. Jennie as well was gone in the middle of all these people. Eventually Jisoo saw him standing at the bar with Namjoon. They were talking to some girls that looked a little older than them. Just seeing this Jisoo started to become angry. Her jealousy raged inside of her. She knew that the alcohol she had already didn’t help with controlling her emotions right now. After looking at them for another few minutes she got up straight away. She didn’t want to go there to make a scene, however she still walked downstairs. The girls didn’t notice right away what was going on, therefore it was too late to stop Jisoo now. Jisoo wasn’t able to walk straight however she found her way to the bar. She heard the girls that were talking to Namjoon and Yoongi talking about dating and stuff.

“I’m not interested sorry”, she heard Yoongi say. That was exactly what she needed to hear to calm herself down. At first she planned to slap these girls across the face but on a second note that wouldn’t have been the best idea. She would regret it afterwards. She had to take over control of herself again. She couldn’t let the alcohol make her do things she shouldn’t. However it still did. Jisoo walked over and stopped right next to Yoongi. The girls that were talking to the two boys were a little confused and perplexed at the same time. Namjoon looked a little shocked and Yoongi’s facial expression couldn’t be described.

“And who are you?” one of the girls asked as if she felt a little interrupted.

Jisoo however just glared at them. Then she turned around to look at Yoongi who was looking at her as well. His face was a little amused but worried at the same time. “I need to talk to you”, Jisoo said, took his hand and dragged him out of the club. To her surprise Yoongi didn’t resist. He followed her like a lost puppy. Even though Jisoo had troubles walking she found the exit quite quickly. Outside she stopped for a second, but then kept walking while dragging him along. He didn’t try to let go of her hand. They ended up at an alley a little further away from the club. Jisoo wanted to be alone with him. She turned around and looked at him, he however was just looking at their crossed fingers. After a few seconds though he freed his hand from hers. He looked at her and what Jisoo saw in his eyes was scarier than anything she had ever seen before. There was nothing inside of them. No sadness, no happiness… they were dead. Jisoo almost didn’t dare to try, but she figured her mind was playing a trick on her again.

“Explain it to me”, Jisoo ordered him, but of course he didn’t answer. Jisoo took a step forward, while Yoongi took one back. His back banged into the wall of a building, he couldn’t go further back. Jisoo just took another step. She was so close to him now that she could even feel the natural warmth of his body.

“Please don’t come close to me”, Yoongi told her.

“Why?” Jisoo whined. She glared at him as if someone had stolen all of her Halloween candy. She didn’t have her face nor her body under control. “Is it because you like someone else? Are you interested in these girls you just talked to?”, Jisoo asked. Yoongi still didn’t answer. “Is it because you really hate me?” she quietly asked again.

“No… that’s not it…” Yoongi quietly answered.

Jisoo was getting angry. What was wrong with this person? He didn’t hate her but he also didn’t like her… she had no idea what to think. “Then what’s the problem?!” Jisoo exploded. The blood in her veins rushed through her body.

“It’s because I love you!” Yoongi then yelled back at her.

At first Jisoo froze. Her entire mind went blank. All the feelings, all the sadness, all the anger she had inside of her just went away. She couldn’t even feel her body in that moment, it was more like some sort of absence of gravity. She only slowly realized what he just told her. The longer she just looked at him the less she did understand. What happened next was not in Jisoo’s control anymore. Her body moved without her consent. She moved forward, put her arms around Yoongi’s neck and kissed him. It was that feeling that woke her up again. Just by touching his lips she felt all the warmth flow back inside of her body. Her heart raced so fast she almost thought she could feel her blood rushing into every vein of her body. It was the best feeling she had ever experienced. Then she finally realized what she was doing. She expected Yoongi to push her away right away, but to her surprise he put his arms around her waist and pulled her even closer.

The two were immersed into each other for a very long moment until both of them were out of breath. When Jisoo moved her head away from him, she was even more scared than before. All the excitement she just felt a moment ago transformed into pure panic. The look on Yoongi’s face was terrifying. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. Yoongi took Jisoo’s arms to take them away from him. “This shouldn’t have happened…” he said with a trembling voice and moved away from her. Jisoo grabbed his arm, in order to not let him walk away from her again. She was sick an tired of him walking away.

“Why?!” Jisoo screamed at him. She was so angry all of a sudden again that tears started rolling down her cheeks. “Just tell me why!”

Yoongi shook off her arm and turned around. The darkness in his eyes made Jisoo cry even more. “You really want to know why?!” he started yelling. “You’re toxic to me! You’re like an addiction that I can’t get rid of! I tried to run away as far as I could, but you always keep showing up! I haven’t slept in weeks because you’re the only thing I see! I just… I just can’t do this anymore!! I don’t want to torment you or me any longer…” Yoongi looked like he lost all of his energy. However, Jisoo still didn’t understand what he was trying to say.

“Explain it in words that I can understand!” she shouted at him.

Yoongi looked at her, while his eyes were filled with tears. “It’s my fault…” he started, but had to stop. He breathed in and out quite deeply. Jisoo waited for him to tell her what was going on. “It’s my fault that your brother died. I killed him…