12 - He seems like himself lately

“What do you mean?” Mr. Lee wanted to know.

“Do you remember the last thing I told you? The reason why I didn’t want to come to you anymore?”

“You said you wanted to deal with your guilt on your own. You said it was your path to take and that you had to do it on your own… Did you overcome the guilt?”

Yoongi didn’t reply right away. “I think I made it worse. I thought if I could make up for it, I would be forgiven, but it seems as if I’m just getting pulled down a dark hole”.

Mr. Lee didn’t say anything. Jisoo expected him to write something down, or to simply nod in agreement.

“The time I want to erase, the memories I want to erase of that day, it seems like I can’t let go of them. Sometimes I’m so afraid of myself, thanks to my self-hatred and as time passes by it feels like I’m becoming a monster.” Yoongi said. His voice sounded devastated. It hurt Jisoo to hear him like that.

“Is it because of that person?” Mr. Lee asked. Jisoo wondered who they were talking about.

“I think I’m trying to make up for what I’ve done, but no matter what I’ll do, it only gets worse. Because of that person, I did things I knew I shouldn’t have.”

“What are you so afraid of now? Some things can’t be undone.” Mr. Lee continued.

Yoongi waited for a few moments to answer. “It’s like this love is just another name for the devil… it tells me not to hold her hand. I tried at first but then turned away from my conscience. Now I feel the sharp reality more every day, but I don’t know how to stop now. There’s red blood on my hands from being torn apart by this reality. I never thought, that my greed would become my personal hell. Every time I try to run away I keep coming back to her… Mr. Lee what should I do?”

The tone of his voice scared Jisoo. Who was he talking about? Was she the actual problem? Was she the reason Yoongi kept suffering? Was all she knew about him a lie? Jisoo couldn’t stand to listen to this any longer. She wanted to run. She wanted to run as far as she possibly could, but there was no way for her to get out of this place for now. Jisoo went to the rooftop and just waited there. On the one hand she wanted Yoongi to come and explain it to her, on the other hand, she didn’t dare to tell him she eavesdropped at the door. Jisoo was certain, that he was talking about her. Who else was the person he held hands with? Jisoo couldn’t calm down. She was restless. She couldn’t decide weather she should go find him and finally talk about what relationship they had or if she should wait for him to open up. Jisoo decided to go to her room to get her phone. She would ask him to meet. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She walked downstairs quite fast, only to find Yoongi standing in front of Jisoo’s room.

“Why are you standing there?” she asked him.

Yoongi was startled as he heard her voice. It seemed like he didn’t expect her to show up at this very moment. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”, he countered.

“Well… I skipped the last bit” Jisoo said, while trying to not let her emotions change her tone. “What’s wrong?”.

“I think I have to leave Seoul for a while… I’m going to stay at my grandparent’s house in Daegu.” Yoongi replied.

“Oh…” was all Jisoo was able to say. She didn’t want to ask further, as she was scared to hear a lie. She had the feeling that Yoongi left because of her. She knew she was the source of his suffering. “When are you leaving?”.

“Tomorrow morning”, Yoongi replied. Both of them were just looking on the floor. There was an awkward silence. For a moment none of them knew what to say. “Do you want to get out of this place today?” he asked her.

Jisoo didn’t know what she was supposed to answer. She didn’t want to stay, but she also didn’t want to leave.

“I’ll ask Mr. Bang for permission to take you out today. In the meantime, you can get ready to leave”, Yoongi announced without waiting for Jisoo’s answer. Just like that he walked off. Jisoo was left standing there, not knowing what to do. What was Yoongi’s plan? Jisoo went back to her room and put down the book she had been holding in her hands the entire time. She sat down on her desk not looking at anything specific. After a while Yoongi came back in.

“OK, we have to be back at 10PM”, he announced with a big smile on his face. “Are you ready?”

“Where are we going?” Jisoo asked him. She was surprised that Mr. Bang gave his permission even though she had just skipped class without even telling her teacher.

“Getting some fresh air”, he said. “What are you waiting for?”

Jisoo started to get her things reluctantly. She wasn’t sure what to think and felt a little uncomfortable. She took out a jacket from her closet and got her bag. The two of them walked to the entrance. Mrs. Bang, who was sitting at the reception as always didn’t say anything as they left through the door. Ever since Jisoo came here, she had never left this building. She felt so many emotions right now. She was excited to go out but scared at the same time to face the real world. But most of all she felt confused. What was going on with Yoongi. That’s all she was curious about. She had nothing else in her head in that moment.

They kept walking down a road Jisoo had never seen. She actually didn’t know anything about her surroundings. She only knew the view from the rooftop, as she never actually saw the streets when she came to the institution. It seemed like a quiet neighborhood. The houses looked quite ordinary. The kept walking down a hill for about ten minutes until they reached a bus station.

“We should go eat first as soon as we arrive. I’m starving.” Yoongi announced.

Jisoo still felt uncomfortable and didn’t respond. The bus arrived. Yoongi put his hand on Jisoo’s back to carefully give her a small push. They entered the bus and sat down. Jisoo wondered when she had taken a public bus for the last time? It felt like years ago. The only times she took a bus were from school to the hospital. For all other routes she had a personal driver. Jisoo observed the landscape outside of the bus window. The neighborhood looked very peaceful compared to the busy city she was so used to. Yoongi who was sitting next to her took her hand in his. Jisoo was startled. She pulled her hand back quickly. She didn’t want Yoongi to do things that were hurting him on the inside.

“My hands are cold…” she said to explain her reaction.

“That’s OK” Yoongi said and took her hand in his again. Jisoo stared at him. She wondered what was going on in his head. Maybe she was overreacting and whatever she had heard before, wasn’t about her…

“What do you want to eat?” Yoongi asked her.

“Ddeokbokki”

Yoongi had a witty smile on his lips. “Seriously? Don’t you want to eat anything fancier?”

“Everything Mrs. Park cooks is fancy. I want to have Ddeokbokki.”

Yoongi still seemed to be amused but didn’t say anything further.

Jisoo only noticed she had fallen asleep, when Yoongi woke her up to get off the bus. They were close to the city center. She was back in her home city. It felt weird to her but familiar at the same time. They walked down a busy street. Soon Jisoo noticed people looking at her. Jisoo had totally forgotten what it was like to be looked at like this. Of course everyone seemed to know who she was. She was the daughter of two famous politicians, who was now walking through the streets holding hands with a guy, shortly after the tragic events in her family. Jisoo wanted to scream at the people, to tell them to stop looking at her, but it would only affect her parents in a negative way. Even though her parents would deal with the press, Jisoo didn’t want to cause trouble to them. It would be terrible for them to hear from their daughter after a few weeks, only to hear that she still didn’t know how to be considerate of others nor how to behave.

“Can we go somewhere with lesser people?” Jisoo asked Yoongi.

Yoongi only now realized what was going on. He let go of Jisoo’s hand. They turned into a small alley and continued walking down small streets, with almost no people around.

“Why did you let go of my hand back there?” Jisoo wanted to know and took his hand again.

“Oh… well… you seemed uncomfortable, so I thought it was because these young girls were looking at you.”

How could it be, that Jisoo was still fascinated by him? He always pretended not to really care about anything, but deep down he was the most considerate person she knew. He was her guardian angel indeed. She wanted to protect him as well. She would find a way to help him heal, to help him with whatever it was he wasn’t telling her. Jisoo decided to wait for him to tell her. She couldn’t ask without revealing everything.

“We’re here. The best Ddeokbokki place around.” Yoongi said.

It was a small tent like place. They went in and sat down at a small table. Everything was a little dingy, but Jisoo loved it. It was such a lively atmosphere. It reminded her of her sterile house, she lived in with her parents. Her house was sterile, the hospital was, even her room in the institution was. Here it seemed like people actually lived a life, with stories worth telling. Yoongi ordered a huge serving for them with a lot of cheese on top. Jisoo felt extremely happy to eat this. It was delicious and warmed her up. The bowl was empty too soon though. She had to think back to the last time she had this dish. It was the end of her old life and the start of something she didn’t know the outcome yet.

“You were right, the world really is a messed-up place”, she told Yoongi. He seemed to not quite get what Jisoo was saying but nodded anyways. “The last time I had this, I was with you as well. That night after I got home, I cleaned up the living room in my house, where my mom had a few drinks that night. Do you remember how we had Soju that night? My mom had some as well… then I decided to finish her bottles as well. I drank all of it.”

Yoongi waited for her to continue talking, but Jisoo just looked down at the empty bowl. “What happened then? Did you fall asleep in the living room?” he wanted to know.

“No…” Jisoo started. She didn’t want to think back but at the same time she wanted to tell Yoongi. She wanted to tell him everything about her. After a while she continued. “I took sleeping pills without thinking. Apparently, I was unconscious for two days because I haven’t eaten well before. They thought I tried to kill myself… that’s how I ended up in this messy situation.”

Yoongi didn’t say anything. Jisoo looked up but couldn’t interpret his facial expression. She felt like someone had slapped her in the face.

“It’s not your fault if that’s what you’re thinking!” she tried to save the situation. “I just wanted to tell you how I got there in the first place… I didn’t mean to…”

“Don’t worry about it” he interrupted her. “It’s not the first time I did something terrible…”

Jisoo wanted to know what he meant by that, but she didn’t dare to ask. “What should we do next?” she asked, while trying to lift the mood. “How about we take a walk or something. Let’s run somewhere and let all the energy out!” she suggested.

“You still have energy?” Yoongi asked. His tone seemed to be back to normal.

“Maybe I just want to let out some aggression”, she answered and took his hand, while forcing him to get up from his seat. He followed her out of the tent and down the street. They kept walking for a while. Then Yoongi’s phone rang.

“What is it?” he answered the phone. “Oh shoot… I totally forgot.. I… I can’t come right now… I’m busy.” He said while continuing walking down the street and looking at Jisoo. “No I told you I’m busy. I’m sorry ok? Why do you have to know that? I’m… on a date if you really need to know!” and just like that he hung up.

Jisoo felt a little flustered by the call. “So this is a date?” she wondered.

“Well… I mean… I needed to shut him up somehow” he said while scratching the back of his head. Then the phone rang again. “What again?” he yelled into the phone. “None of your business! You want me to do what? Are you crazy or something? Just mind your own business… I’m hanging up!” he answered and then turned off his phone. He let it slide back into the pocket of his jacket.

“What’s going on?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“They want me to bring you along…”

“Who?”

“My crew… we’re supposed to have training now, but I somehow forgot…” Yoongi told her.

“Then let’s go!” Jisoo suggested. She was really interested in watching them practice.

“Definitely not!”

“Why???” Jisoo nagged him. “I really want to see you guys dance again! It was so nice the last time I’ve seen you…”

“But I’ve taken you out to have fun and enjoy the day…”

“So? For me it sounds like fun to meet your friends! Or is it that you don’t want me to meet them?” she carefully asked.

Yoongi sighed. “That’s not it…”

“OK then let’s go!” Jisoo announced.

Yoongi didn’t seem all too amused but agreed anyways. The walked to the nearest bus station and drove for about 20 minutes. Then they arrived in a neighborhood, Jisoo had never been in. They walked passed a few buildings and then arrived at an old factory. They stopped at the entrance. Yoongi turned around, let go of her hand and looked at her.

“Just… ignore what ever they’re saying. Maybe it’s best to just ignore them in general… my friends are… how should I put this… a little particular.”

“Are you worried or something?” Jisoo asked amused.

“N… No!” he said and opened the door. Jisoo could hear music and saw five guys dancing to it. It looked amazing, even from far away. After the song was over, they took a break to drink something, when one of the guys noticed them.

“I knew you would show up sooner or later” one of the guys said. Then all the others looked towards them as well.

Yoongi breathed in and out. “Here we go”, he whispered and walked towards his crew. They were all gathered in a circle and looked at Yoongi and Jisoo. “That’s Jisoo, please be nice to her…” he announced. The other guys seemed speechless.

“Hi everyone… I’m… Jisoo. It’s nice to meet you all. You can just continue to practice, don’t mind me”, she explained herself.

Then the guys started babbling chaotic sentences. “Heol! Where did you find her?”, “Wow she’s really pretty, how did you do that?”, “Why are you only showing her to us now?”…

“Yah! Just shut it everyone ok? Don’t make her uncomfortable!” Yoongi said and walked towards the music player. The other boys seemed to understand Yoongi’s awkwardness and followed him. Only one stayed behind.

“Jisoo huh? So you’re the reason he’s changed lately… He has never forgotten to show up to practice so far.  It’s nice to meet you! I’m Jung Hoseok”, he said while bowing politely.

“It’s nice to meet you too”, Jisoo replied politely.

Hoseok kept smiling at her. “You can take one of the pillows over there and sit where ever you want”, he told her and left to join his friends. Jisoo did as she was told and sat down at the side. Not too close to distract them but close enough to see. It was awesome. It didn’t feel like they were practicing. To Jisoo it appeared like a real performance. Maybe they wanted to brag, but Jisoo loved it anyways. She had been sitting there for quite a long time, but in this moment, she had no sense of time. She felt great just watching how these friends interacted with each other. They seemed like a big happy family. At the same time Jisoo was a little jealous. Her family wasn’t ordinary. She couldn’t even remember the last time her family had a normal get together and just enjoying the time they had together. Her parents were always busy, and the rare times they had time for Seokjin and Jisoo, they were totally focused on the future. Her parents probably didn’t even know what enjoying a moment meant. All they did was helping others but forgot about their own well being and the well being of their children. Jisoo couldn’t even find a replacement in her friends, as all of them weren’t real friends to begin with. Lost in her thoughts, Jisoo didn’t notice Hoseok walking over to her, until he sat down right next to her.

“Here, have some water”, he said while handing her a bottle. Jisoo took it and drank a little bit to be polite.

“So how did you two meet?” he wanted to know.

“It was a coincidence I guess…” Jisoo replied.

“Do you think anything in your life is a coincidence? Aren’t you the daughter of…” Hoseok started.

“Let’s not talk about that”, Jisoo interrupted him quickly. She was a little annoyed that he knew who she was. Could she ever live a peaceful and quiet life?

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a sensitive topic”, he apologized. “It’s just… I wonder how you deal with Yoongi. He’s a little… you know… particular.”

Jisoo had to giggle a little bit. “He said the same thing about you guys”.

“And that’s what I call my friend…”, he laughed. “I actually wanted to say thank you, Jisoo”.

“What for?”, she asked, as she had no idea what Hoseok was talking about.

“He seems like himself lately. I don’t know how much you know about him, but he went through a hard time in the past. However, I don’t think I have to explain this to you. As far as I heard you’re not doing well yourself either”.

Of course, he knew about Seokjin. It probably had been all over the news, even though it wasn’t the truth. Everyone knew that her family was still struggling with it.

“I’m sorry for your loss…” Hoseok continued.

“Thank you”, Jisoo said, while a tear fell down her cheeks.

“You know what I always wondered about?” he continued talking. “How much of what we see on TV is true?”

Jisoo knew exactly what he was talking about. Or course people would expect the media to lie about certain things, her family was no exception.

“Depends if it’s something good or something bad.” Jisoo explained.

“Then… is it true, that you used to dance as well?” Hoseok asked.

Jisoo nodded her head. “I used to dance ballet for almost twelve years”.

“Why did you stop?”

“I wanted to stay at my brother’s side, and ever since then life just got a little messy and complicated I guess…” Jisoo explained.

“Do you want to dance with us?” he asked with a big smile.

“Me? Oh I don’t think I’m good enough…”

Hoseok stood up and walked back to the other guys who were still goofing around. “Hey guys, let’s teach Jisoo a choreography! It would be more fun for her if she could participate, don’t you think so?”

The other guys agreed. Only Yoongi seemed to be worried. As always, he was considerate enough to come over to Jisoo and ask if she really wanted to. Jisoo knew that she wouldn’t be able to learn something right away, as it had been a long time since she last moved much, but she wanted to give it a try. She could as well enjoy it.

“I’m not good though, and I haven’t practiced in a very long time…” Jisoo tried to defend herself. The boys assured her, that it was no problem and just for fun. Then they started teaching her the choreography. Hoseok seemed to be one of the best dancers and explained the movements in detail. This way it was easy for Jisoo to follow. Jisoo felt so alive and happy right now. She was surrounded by amazing people, doing what she had forgotten she loved. After a while she knew the choreography of an entire song. Or course her movements weren’t as fluent and on point as the boys’, however she did follow quite well. She felt free…

“You’re amazing!” Hoseok praised her. Jisoo was a little embarrassed but accepted the praise. She observed Yoongi as well. He looked at peace and happy. Now that she had met his friends, she understood why he looked so happy in all the pictures with his friends. These people were his family. They supported him no matter what, even if he wouldn’t know it. Yoongi came over to Jisoo.

“Are you alright?”, he asked her.

“Of course! It’s so much fun…”

“I think we should go back soon though, otherwise we’ll be late.”

Jisoo checked the time, it was already 6PM. They would need around two hours to go back, and if they would come back too late, they would get into trouble.

“Let’s order some food before you leave then”, one of the guys suggested. Jisoo still didn’t know all of their names but it was easy to remember them anyways. The boys started to clean up the place and ordered food through an APP. Then all of them went outside into the courtyard of the old building. Two of the boys started to make a fire, and just as they were done a delivery guy came by. For Jisoo it was amazing. It felt like she was on a field trip with school or camping somewhere. Even though she had never done any of these things it was great. She usually ate food that was perfectly served and freshly homemade. She never really had delivery food or anything similar. All of them were just sitting around the fire, enjoying the food and laughing. Jisoo wasn’t sure if she had ever experienced such an atmosphere. She couldn’t explain what she felt, but that moment with Yoongi right next to her was simply perfect.