Chapter 21 – Yoongi: Please don’t do this to me

That night he had spent with Jisoo close to him on the rooftop was another of his many mistakes. Ever since Seokjin’s death Yoongi had nightmares each night. He would wake up in the middle of the night just to remind himself of what he had done. Usually he would see himself standing on that bridge but then the dream changes and Seokjin is standing there instead of him. Yoongi tries to reach out his hand to prevent Seokjin from jumping but Seokjin just smiles at him in the dream. Then he jumps… Sometimes Jisoo was in his dreams as well. Before he met her she used to be a crying silhouette, after he got to know her a little he could even see her face in his dreams. It was scary to see her blaming him in each dream. After he would wake up he would feel terrible. He would feel bad for Seokjin because he couldn’t prevent him from leaving and he would feel even more guilty when he had to think of Jisoo. Would he ever be able to tell her the truth? Would she react just like in his nightmares and blame him forever? He didn’t want her to find out. Yoongi just liked her way too much for that to happen. He wanted to have her close like they were on the rooftop forever. He couldn’t even remember when he felt so much at ease the last time in his life. It was her that made him calm. This night he didn’t have a bad dream.

It seemed like having Jisoo there right next to him made him realize what was worth living for. He pushed away his guilt and just lived in the moment. He loved to feel the warmth right next to him. It felt as if the warmth from her body went right inside him and warmed his heart from the inside. He loved to just look at her beautiful face and to feel her arms around his. Even though he noticed her awake, he didn’t want to leave yet. He wanted to enjoy it a little longer, even though he would definitely regret it afterwards.

Just like this he started to love and regret every single second he spent with her, however he couldn’t stop himself. That day he realized that he already went down this path without thinking. Just seeing her was enough for him. He liked how she was embarrassed about the situation, he liked how she easily got angry, he liked to as well. What he didn’t like however was seeing her cry. He had left for the week due to his school schedule. During the week he usually slept at Namjoon’s place as it was the most convenient. Just thinking about her made him go crazy. He knew he shouldn’t be with her, as he would only cause her pain in the very end. However, he didn’t know what to do. That weekend when he got back to the institution he wanted to tell Jisoo everything, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t get the words out. He could’ve said sorry a million times, but Jisoo would still not really know what he was trying to say. Even after he tried to run away, Jisoo waited for him patiently. She was ok with him having secrets and it made Yoongi feel even worse. If she only knew what kind of secret he was keeping…

That was the second time they had spent the night together. Yoongi slept so comfortably without nightmares, that he almost thought it was a nice dream for once. Just looking at this girl next to him made him happy. Before he left to go to the city, he kissed Jisoo on the forehead which he regretted for the rest of the week. How could it be that he couldn’t get it together when he was with her? Was this much discipline really that hard to achieve? He hated himself for doing it. He hated himself for all sorts of things, but all of them were connected to the person he loved the most. That week he had enough time to think about what he should do. He knew that he should stop getting involved with Jisoo, but he was too curious. He wanted to know everything about her. She wouldn’t be there forever after all. He made all sorts of excuses to himself to have a reason to go back to her. Even when she called him he was happy. Just hearing her voice on the phone made his heart skip a beat. On the weekend he went back to see her. Just then he had another excuse. He found her crying on the rooftop. He just looked at her for a while, feeling bad for her and at the same time he felt as if he had to do something about it. His excuse was that Jisoo needed someone by her side for a while, therefore he would try to help her. By the time she would get better he would let go of her... That’s how they’ve spent another night together. Another night, where Yoongi was at peace. Another night he regretted afterwards, but in that very moment it was perfect. He had the most beautiful girl he had ever seen right in his arms. She was someone that could understand him, even though he knew he couldn’t tell her certain things.

One of the reasons why he instantly fell in love with her was her way of talking to him. She understood him and he understood her as well. It was as if they were meant to be together, as if it was destiny for them to meet. He didn’t want to think of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be with her. Yoongi just wanted to enjoy this short time of happiness. He would have enough time to carry the burden and the guilt afterwards. That night, when Yoongi offered his shoulder for Jisoo to cry on he got confronted with the reality again. While seeing a picture of Seokjin in Jisoo’s notebook his happy bubble he was living in started to break. Just seeing that picture made him remember the real reason he was there with Jisoo. He had made a promise to Seokjin that he should’ve never made in the first place. Now it was too late though. Yoongi liked to spend his time with Jisoo, but he was shellfish enough to keep Seokjin out of his mind for a while. Just seeing how Jisoo was interested in the music Yoongi produced with his friends made him like her even more. It seemed as if there was nothing about Jisoo that he didn’t like. Even while watching a movie with Jisoo right by his side, he thought the world might change, maybe he did have a slight chance of redemption or at least forgiveness. However this rollercoaster of his thoughts was making him go crazy. He didn’t want to find excused to be with her or to be happy, but at the same time he also didn’t want to pretend that nothing ever happened. He needed to find a way to live with his guilt without losing Jisoo. That’s why he went to see Mr. Lee.

“Mr. Lee… do you have some time?” Yoongi asked.

“Min Yoongi! What a surprise! Sure come on in…” Mr. Lee said as Yoongi entered the room.

“What brings you here? Of course, I’m happy to see you, but at the same time you being here means something is troubling you”, Mr. Lee noticed.

“I don’t know what to do… I think I did something terrible…” Yoongi said.

“What do you mean?” Mr. Lee wanted to know.

“Do you remember the last thing I told you? The reason why I didn’t want to come to you anymore?”, Yoongi asked him. The last time Yoongi went to Mr. Lee and told him what had happened while he was in the hospital. He told him about his new friend and also what had happened to this precious friend.

“You said you wanted to deal with your guilt on your own. You said it was your path to take and that you had to do it on your own… Did you overcome the guilt?”

Yoongi didn’t reply right away. “I think I made it worse. I thought if I could make up for it, I would be forgiven, but it seems as if I’m just getting pulled down a dark hole”.

Mr. Lee didn’t say anything. He just looked at Yoongi and waited for him to continue.

“The time I want to erase, the memories I want to erase of that day, it seems like I can’t let go of them. Sometimes I’m so afraid of myself, thanks to my self-hatred and as time passes by it feels like I’m becoming a monster.” Yoongi said. He was devastated as he just didn’t know what to do.

“Is it because of that person?” Mr. Lee asked.

“I think I’m trying to make up for what I’ve done, but no matter what I’ll do, it only gets worse. Because of that person, I did things I knew I shouldn’t have.”

“What are you so afraid of now? Some things can’t be undone.” Mr. Lee continued.

Yoongi waited for a few moments to answer. “It’s like this love is just another name for the devil… it tells me not to hold her hand. I tried at first but then turned away from my conscience. Now I feel the sharp reality more every day, but I don’t know how to stop now. There’s red blood on my hands from being torn apart by this reality. I never thought, that my greed would become my personal hell. Every time I try to run away I keep coming back to her… Mr. Lee what should I do?”

Mr. Lee thought long about his answer. “I think you have to accept the situation first. Denying what happened to Seokjin will not help you, blaming yourself forever will not be of help either. But most of all you should think about what you feel about Jisoo.”

“I don’t want to live in a world without her… I know it might sound stupid, because we’re so young, but I think we didn’t meet by coincidence. It’s just… how can I ever tell her the truth without her hating me?”

“I can’t tell you. I think it all depends on you two. You have to tell her eventually, because running away will not make the problem go away. She will either accept it or blame you as well, but sooner or later the both of you need to understand that this wasn’t your fault or her fault. It was his decision to take this last step…” Mr. Lee said.

“But I made him take that step!” Yoongi interrupted him. Yoongi was going crazy. Not even Mr. Lee was of much help. Maybe he shouldn’t have come.

“What do you want me to say then? Do you want me to tell you that all of this is your fault? How can I? It is not! There is nothing wrong with liking someone, you only need to find a way to tell her the truth rather sooner than later.”

“What if I just leave her?” Yoongi then asked after a short pause.

“Do you think it will make the problem go away?”

“Of course not, but I don’t want to keep tormenting either of us” Yoongi replied. “I think I need some distance from her before it’s too late. I rather want her to have good memories of me than bad ones. Maybe I should just… disappear from her life” Yoongi concluded. She was better off without him. If he would just go she would be heartbroken for a little while, but she would definitely get over it eventually. It was easier for Yoongi to remain in her memory like this. He wanted her to remember him as someone she once loved and not as a murderer. He just wanted her to be happy again and not live a life full or sadness and hatred for him.

“Is that really what you want?” Mr. Lee asked him.

“Of course not, but at the moment that’s the only solution…”

That day Yoongi decided to say goodbye. But before he would leave her life he wanted to spend one more day with her. He wanted to make up for everything he had ever done, even though it would never be enough. He just wanted her to spend time with him in the real world for once. He waited in front of her room and imagined how it would be to not be able to see her anymore. It was horrifying. Unexpectedly Jisoo showed up just in that moment. Even though she seemed hesitant he made her come out with him. Of course he asked for permission first, but it was easy to get her out. It had been the first time Jisoo was out of that nutshell ever since she got there. Yoongi could feel the excitement inside of her. He took her to places he wanted to go with her. In the end they didn’t really go anywhere but kept walking down the streets together. He just loved to hold her hand and watch her enjoy the sun. It seemed as if she felt free and it made him happy for a moment. He totally forgot that he had practice that day, but his thoughts had been too confusing the last few days. Somehow he ended up going to meet up with his friends and brought Jisoo along. It was a bad idea… he wanted to get out of her life, but now he was even introducing her to his closest friends. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, but Jisoo persisted on tagging along.

Eventually he was OK with the situation, as he had never seen Jisoo this relaxed. It seemed as if dancing was like medicine to her. She forgot all of her troubles and worries. She just danced with them and everyone seemed to be excited about it. In the evening they spent the last of their time together eating, playing games, listening to music and just talking. Having her right next to him felt as if he was dreaming. He wanted everyday to be like this. He wanted her to be a part of her everyday life. He wished he could just stop time forever but the more he wished to stop it, the faster it ran away. It was time to go back and therefore it was time to say goodbye. Yoongi couldn’t do it though. He couldn’t leave her just yet, as she wanted him to stay. He told himself that it was only this last time and so he stayed with her. He couldn’t let go of her so easily but he had to eventually. This time he didn’t sleep comfortably, as he knew this would be the last time. He was awake pretty much all night to memorize every centimeter of her face. When the morning came, he felt horrible. He had to rip out her heart with all the brutality he had for her to let go of him, but instead of doing so he did something even worse. He couldn’t control his body. He just couldn’t resist and kissed her for the very first and last time.

He regretted this the most. Why did he even do it? He knew he should let go of her but he seemed to be unable to. Him just walking out on her was the only thing he could do in that situation. He just kept regretting it. There was no other way… he couldn’t meet her again. If he would there was no return for real this time. If he would just see her one last time, he would lose himself. He couldn’t let that happen. He would rather suffer on his own than dragging her down with him. He wrote more than just one letter to find the right words. What were the right words though? I love you but I can’t be with you? Please don’t be mad at me and forget me? Whatever he would write, Jisoo would never understand it without telling her the truth. To prevent her from breaking down again he couldn’t tell her anything though. He couldn’t face her and he couldn’t tell her the truth. He just felt horrible. He had called Mr. Bang, but he told him that he couldn’t cover for him any longer if he really wanted to move out of the institution. Then Yoongi ended up going back to his parents’ house. He didn’t feel at home at all, but it was better than facing his inner demons.

The day he moved back to his parents’ house he went to the institution. He got there right in time to not meet her. He wouldn’t be able to control himself if he would see her now. That’s why he just left a letter for her and tried to erase all of his memories of her, even though it was simply impossible. Going back to his so-called home was just weird and uncomfortable. Even though he had his room, it just wasn’t a home. His parents however were quite happy with him being back. Yoongi thought they rather didn’t want to have more troubles with him. They did eat together but no one really had a true conversation. Almost a month had passed without having contact with Jisoo. Yoongi felt as if he was dying little by little each day. His life without her was terrible. There was nothing to look forward to, there was nothing to be happy about. His friends noticed it too and tried to cheer him up. Yoongi however just lost his will to live, at the same time he didn’t deserve to end it. Seokjin would never forgive him if he would, and Jisoo also wouldn’t.

Yoongi thought he would go crazy soon. The only thing that gave him some sort of hope was that school started soon. He only had to endure one more year and then he could just do what ever the hell he wanted. By then he could just live on his own without his parents being against it. However he had made a deal with his parents. As long as he would do them some favors once in a while he could do whatever he wanted. He could still sleep at Namjoon’s place if he would come home on the weekends. For Yoongi it was quite ok, as his parents never wanted him to do a favor anyways.

The last school year started and everything was pretty normal. He almost thought that he would be able to have a normal life again soon, if he only didn’t meet her then. Just seeing her made him break down mentally. When he saw her looking at him in the crowd of people when they had a street performance, he first thought he was dreaming. As soon as he realized that it was real he panicked. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go over to her, to hug her, to kiss her and to just tell her the truth, but he just couldn’t. The only way to save her was to hurt her even more. At first he tried to ignore her but she eventually approached him. He just wanted her to go away, he wanted to run as far away from her he possibly could. Just seeing her standing in front of him after over a month made his heart ache even more. He wanted to touch her and tell her everything that was poisoning his thoughts, but it would only crush her. He couldn’t do it….

Jisoo wanted him to explain but what was he supposed to say? Then he did what he thought was the only way. He told her to leave him alone and that he didn’t want to see her ever again. Even thought it was a lie, it seemed like Jisoo believed him. The pain in her eyes made him feel terrible. It was as if he stabbed the only person, he couldn’t live without with his own two hands. He left her standing there and walked away. Even Hoseok yelled after him, but he couldn’t turn back now. He just started to run. He ran as far as he could while tears came out of his eyes. This was probably the worst thing he could’ve done to himself. He basically threw away the only thing that was worth living for, however he knew that Jisoo was better off without her brother’s murderer. He hated himself so much it was indescribable. He didn’t want to live anymore, but he didn’t deserve to take this decision anymore either. He had already caused too much pain to others.

For the next couple of days he didn’t show up to practice. All of his friends called him multiple times on his phone and send him a billion messages but he just couldn’t face them. He didn’t dare. What would they think of him if he finally told them the whole truth? His friends knew pretty much everything about him. They knew that he had troubles due to the death of his friend and they obviously knew who Jisoo was. However he never told anyone besides Mr. Lee about what he had said to Seokjin. He wanted to forget it, even though it would hunt him in his nightmares forever. The last couple of days he wondered how he could endure this life though. The person he wanted to be with was unreachable for him. He even dreamed about her. She was there in this beautiful light and he tried to run towards her, however he didn’t move a single step. He couldn’t reach her…

His parents of course didn’t notice that he was feeling worse. They just thought he had a phase and that he fought with his friends, which was why he came to his house right after school. His parents seemed to like it, as they always thought his friends were a bad influence on him, but in reality his parents were an even worse influence. They practically ignored his presence but still tried to control him like a marionette at the same time. One evening his mother ordered him to join a business dinner, however Yoongi had no interest in joining.

“This isn’t a request!” his father told him.

“So what? What are you going to do if I don’t join you?” Yoongi provoked him.

“Do you really think we don’t know what you’re doing when you’re outside of this house?” his father continued.

Yoongi was confused. What was that supposed to mean? Were his parents stalking him or what? “What do you mean?” he asked his father.

“Jung Hoseok, Kim Namjoon, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook… do you really think I don’t know about these people? Do you really think there’s nothing I could do so that you won’t waste your time with them?”

“Are you threatening me right now?” Yoongi asked. He felt such an aggression inside of him. Who did these people think they were? Did his parents actually do a background check on the people closest to him? Did his own parents seriously threaten his only friends just because they didn’t fit with the family image? It’s not like anyone cared about what Yoongi did in general. The press didn’t even know much about him, so where was the big deal?

“Min Yoongi! You’re father is only trying to protect you!” his mother intervened.

“Protect me from what? A messed up future?” Yoongi exploded.

“We only want the best for you and these people are just not in your league. You have to understand.”

“You don’t even understand me! You have no idea what’s going on in my life!” Yoongi yelled. He wanted to run out of this godforsaken house but he didn’t have a place to go to right now. Usually he would end up at Namjoon’s place but he didn’t want to show up there without apologizing to his friends first. He would feel to awkward to show up now after blocking out all contact for a few days. He felt so pathetic in this moment.

“We only allowed you to hang out with these people, because we believe that you will eventually come to your senses”, his mother tried to calm him down. However it only made him even angrier.

“So basically you’re going to threaten them as well if I don’t join your stupid business dinner?” he asked.

“It seems like the only way right now”, his father said calmly while continuing to eat.

Yoongi had to take a deep breath. He just hated his life so much right now! Nothing was going the way it should, everything just seemed to turn out even worse. “So you’re saying you’ll leave my friends alone if I join your stupid dinner?” Yoongi wanted to know.

“Only if you’re going to be on your best behavior”, his father added.

Yoongi knew what he should do, even though he hated the idea of getting involved in his parents’ lives in any sort of way. However, he couldn’t let anything happen to his friends. He had already destroyed too many other lives. If he would hurt even more people he could not even dare to breathe anymore. “OK, I’ll come along then, but don’t expect anything from me!” Yoongi said and left the dinner table without eating anything at all. He hated everything. He had never been this unsatisfied in his entire life. What was the point in living anyways? The only thing he could do now was to try to protect his friends, his real family. He decided to apologize to them when the dinner was over with. Apparently it was the next day, so Yoongi still had some time to think about how to apologize to them. On a second thought, he should just tell them the truth. If they didn’t want to hang out with him anymore after they would know the whole story it was fine as well. At least then he really deserved his punishment.

The next day he came home right after school. He got ready to go to the stupid dinner. He put on black pants and a black buttoned up shirt. It was the first time in a long time for him to be this fancy. He just preferred his jeans and a comfy hoodie, but for his friends he would endure this fake situation. He just had to sit there for a few hours and pretend to actually care about his parents. On the way in the car he didn’t talk much. He didn’t even know where they were going, but he actually didn’t care one bit. Just before arriving his mother told him again to behave. They parked the car and while walking over to the house they were invited in his mother said: “Please remember to behave well. Mr. Kim might work together with our company, so this corporation is really important not only for us but also for their party!”.

“Mr. Kim?” Yoongi’s heart started to race. He prayed that this wasn’t what he thought about right now. It wasn’t like Kim was a rare last name, but he had an uncomfortable feeling hearing that name. That person must’ve been a politician on top as it was important for the party’s reputation. Please let it not be that family…

“You know the politician… they are doing a lot of charity work and we’re trying to work together so we can sponsor their next initiative” his mother explained. Mr. Kim was really a politician? Please, please, please… this couldn’t be happening right now! He took his mother’s arm to make her stop walking as they had almost arrived at the front door.

“What is it?” she asked him.

“Don’t tell me his wife is a politician as well”, he nervously said.

“No, you’re right. You know they have a daughter too, but recently they lost his son due to an illness, so please be considerate”, his mother said. No! This was wrong! Why didn’t he ask where they were going earlier? He just never imagined this to happen. His stomach started to rebel. Everything was upside down. It was as if he would faint any second. He didn’t have a clear vision at all.

“Yoongi, are you alright?” his mother asked while seeing how his face lost all color.

“I don’t think I can do this…” he said, but of course his mother didn’t understand.

“Don’t be like this it’s just a dinner”, she said.

Yoongi stared her straight in the eyes. His own eyes were filled with terror and fear. “Please don’t do this to me… I beg you”, he said with a rough voice.

“What’s the matter?” his mother asked him again. However his father had already rang the doorbell and just in that moment someone opened the front door. Yoongi was at the edge of throwing up. His entire body started to shiver. His mother took his arm and just dragged him along. Yoongi breathed in and out to calm himself down. Was he actually going to enter the house of the family he destroyed? Was this his actual punishment? Was this how he had to pay for his sins? Inside he managed to calm down a little. At least the adults didn’t notice him panicking and freaking out. To his luck Jisoo wasn’t there yet, so he could at least try to make up some other lies to explain why he was there. He politely greeted the household and just stood there like a statue afterwards. He didn’t dare to look around this house. He didn’t want to see Seokjin or Jisoo in here anywhere. But of course reality hit him again. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone walking down the stairs slowly. At first he didn’t dare to look, but his body didn’t listen to his commands. He automatically looked right at her, as he was drawn to her like a magnet to it’s other pole. What he saw wasn’t just anyone. It was his source of happiness. It was an angel that was right in front of him. The reason of his very existence and she was simply the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his entire life, and for a second he even forgot what had happened, where he was and what was about to happen next. In that moment where both of them looked right at each other, there was nothing else on this world besides them. She was all he was able to see… she was his everything.