Chapter 11 – Can you stay with me?

The next day it was finally Friday again. She was excited but worried at the same time to get to see Yoongi today. She decided to tell him, but at the same time it drove her crazy. During class she couldn’t fully concentrate, which ended up in her having poor results on the test questions.

In her session with Mr. Lee, he knew right away that her mind wasn’t on the topic.

“What’s going on today? You even forgot to finish your list…” he said in a slightly disappointed tone.

“I think… I need to tell you something”, she started. “There’s something I didn’t tell you yet…” At first, she wanted to talk about her feelings for Yoongi, and how he made her change, but then she decided to tell Mr. Le something else.

Mr. Lee was curious and raised his eyebrows but waited for Jisoo to tell him.

“I’m not sure if I’m actually going crazy, but… I see my brother from time to time”.

“What do you mean by, you see him?” Mr. Lee asked.

“It’s like he’s physically there. I know it’s not real, but I don’t want it to end.”

Mr. Lee wrote something down in his notebook. “This is very important. Can you tell me when you see him and what you talk about? For example, do you think something triggers it for you to see him there? How does it feel to you?”.

“Well… I’m not sure. I think he appears in a safe place when I’m alone and I want to talk to someone. I just tell him about my day and my worries. But it seems as if he knows everything anyways. I think he’s somewhere in my subconsciousness. He tries to help me figure out a problem and helps me to find a solution. It feels very… familiar. After he’s gone, I feel like he was actually there. Sometimes I even think I can smell him as well.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Mr. Lee wondered.

“I didn’t want you to think I’m crazy…”

“Oh dear, why would I think that? Something like this is not common but it happens. I’m not sure if you’re religious or anything, but in my opinion, there are only two options. One, he’s really a product or your subconsciousness, therefore you already know the answers deep down. Two, he’s not ready to fully leave you yet. Maybe he still has unfinished business left. This might actually sound crazy to you, if I as a doctor tell you this story, but there are a lot of cases where family members or lovers keep seeing their deceased loved ones. Of course, other people might think it’s crazy, but the number of legends and stories tell us that it might be actually true…”

Mr. Lee didn’t think she was crazy? Did he actually believe Seokjin was a ghost that wasn’t ready to leave the world of the living yet? But what could Seokjin still have to do here? Why would he stick around to see Jisoo suffer and confused? She didn’t want him to see her like that. For some reason Jisoo expected another reaction from Mr. Lee. At the same time she was glad he didn’t think she was totally nuts.

“When did he appear last and what were you talking about?” he kept asking.

“Yesterday actually. We were talking about… what happens after I get out of here. He thinks I’m scared to go back to my old life.”

Mr. Lee nodded. “What do you think? Are you scared?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe a little?” It was hard for Jisoo to find the words to explain. “I think I’m just not ready to show everyone my real self. I’m scared to fall back into my old behavior. I feel like I’m gonna lose myself again after I have to go back to reality. It’s like if somebody could look inside of my head, they would probably mock me. They would laugh at the me who’s lost her path as if I’m nothing anymore. I can already hear my old friends laughing about me”.

“You don’t even consider these people as your friends though, and I know you quite well by now. You don’t care about people’s opinion. I think you’re scared of something else”.

Mr. Lee was right. Jisoo didn’t care about the people at school, they could badmouth her all they wanted. It wasn’t like Jisoo ever cared about things like that. She was used to not listen to unimportant people. The media often said things about her family or even about herself that weren’t even true. She had learned from an early age to not trust people and to only believe what she definitely knew was right. What was she so scared of? There was nothing she could loose by showing the world who she really was…

“Jisoo, I know you’re at an age now, where you should be taking decisions for your future and think about what to do in life. However, I think you should just live in the moment for once. You can’t pre-calculate your life. It’s not like you will never see him again after you leave. We’re in the 21^st century, you can just give him a call or meet up after school”.

Jisoo was perplexed. What was he talking about? Of course Jisoo knew, but how did Mr. Lee know? Was it that obvious?

“Come on Jisoo, you have nothing else on your mind lately. I think your friendship will help both of you to overcome your problems. Maybe none of this is a coincidence.” Mr. Lee said.

“So what do you suggest I should do then?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“I want you to live Jisoo. I want you to enjoy the moments you have an cherish them. I don’t want you to think about everything in your life over and over again. Of course, we want to find out where your path leads you, but this will take time. It doesn’t happen in just a few weeks. Time will not stand still just because you’re not moving on. In my opinion your life will only get better if you actually let it in. You have to open the door to your life. If you keep it locked you’re going to remain in this state for too long. You’ll regret not taking your chances.”

Jisoo still had to think about Mr. Lee’s words for the rest of the day. She went up to the rooftop. She couldn’t see much as it seemed to be raining soon. She just laid down on the wooden floor and looked up to the sky. Maybe Seokjin was like her guardian angel, but at the same time Jisoo was angry. If something like a god existed, why did he take away Seokjin from her? Why did all of these things happen? After a while of thinking she felt pathetic. What was so important about her problems? There were people struggling everyday as they didn’t have a job nor a home, while Jisoo was just laying there drowning in self-pity.

Just thinking back, she was ashamed of herself. This wasn’t how her parents raised her. Of course, she was angry at her parents for not being there for her when she needed them, but Jisoo knew quite well that their work was important. They were politicians, but they always helped people in need. Every time Jisoo felt left alone she knew deep down that she couldn’t be angry. Her parents had a lot of foundations that helped disabled children, homeless people or lesser privileged people in this country. They have always put the greater good as their priority. As a kid Jisoo didn’t understand it and was angry at them for never being there. Now she finally understood. She had money, she had a good life, she had a home and a bed to sleep in. However, she was still complaining. She was just tired of herself. She didn’t want to be so selfish anymore. Maybe she just used Yoongi as an excuse to become a better human being.

Jisoo thought she knew the reason for her misfunctioning relationship with her parents. The reason why they didn’t even call, the reason why they have never really been proud of her was due to herself! Unlike her parents or Seokjin, Jisoo only thought of herself. She didn’t care about others, and never even thought about it. Her parents must’ve been so disappointed in her for being such an egoistic person. How could Seokjin even stand her? How did he deal with her childish behavior all this time? She felt pathetic. She closed her eyes and just laid there for a while. Soon after it started to rain. Jisoo didn’t move. The rain on her face felt really nice. She wanted the rain to wash away her worries and her sins as well. Jisoo wondered about Seokjin again. If he really wasn’t made up from her mind, how was he feeling? Was he feeling cold? Was he relieved to be like that? Was he actually happy with his decision? The cold rain started to mix with Jisoo’s hot tears that came out of her closed eyes.

What was she supposed to do? Should she try to become a better person or just keep living her life as she had always led it? In his letter, Seokjin already told her what to do… but it was hard for her. She didn’t know how. He wanted her to become a hero for others. He wanted for her to live and enjoy her life. He told her, he would be watching over her. However, nothing had a meaning. How could he demand things like that, but leave her behind anyways? The only think she really looked forward nowadays, was to see Yoongi. At the same time, she didn’t want to burden him. She didn’t want to fall in love with him, as she was scared to ruin him.

Maybe Jisoo had telepathic abilities, but just thinking about Yoongi, made him appear.

“Yah! Why do you never take your phone with you?” he scolded her. “You’re going to get sick if you stay here like this”.

Jisoo opened her eyes and saw him standing right above her with an umbrella. Just looking at him Jisoo thought about the reason of their meeting. If god really existed and meant all of this to happen, then he had sent her two Angels. Both of them were guarding her, when she needed them the most…

“Are you going to get up or what?”, Yoongi continued.

Jisoo sat back up. She was completely soaked.

Yoongi gave her his hand to help her stand up. “Let’s get you dry first” he said, with an understanding look on his face. Without saying anything else they headed to Jisoo’s room.

“I’m just gonna take a warm shower real quick”, Jisoo said while taking out some fresh clothes from her closet. After she was done, Yoongi was still waiting in her room. She was glad he didn’t leave. He was sitting at her desk and looked at all the pictures she drew.

“Did you memorize my face while I was sleeping or something?” he asked her while looking at a picture of himself. Of course, Jisoo didn’t remember drawing it, as she usually just started drawing without much thought. Her cheeks started to blush.

“No! I just have a good memory”, she said while taking the picture out of his hand. She put it in a folder that was laying on the table and glared at him. Jisoo saw a picture of Seokjin on the desk as well. It was the same picture Yoongi had seen before, the very first day she met him in here.

“You’re brother is quite handsome”, Yoongi noted.

“How come you know this is my brother?” Jisoo wondered.

“Well…” Yoongi started. “I mean… last time you said he isn’t your boyfriend, so my conclusion was he must be your brother then”.

As expected Yoongi was quick witted. He might as well really be a genius.

“So? How was your last week of school?” Jisoo tried to change the topic.

“It was ok I guess… I passed all exams and now it’s finally summer break”.

Jisoo just stood there awkwardly trying to control her blushing face. She was wondering if it was the right moment to confess, but she decided not to. She wasn’t brave enough yet.

“Are you feeling better now after your shower in the rain?” Yoongi smirked at her.

“Don’t you feel pathetic sometimes?” she asked him.

“In what way?” he wondered.

“I mean… don’t you sometimes feel like all of your problem are unimportant? We have more than eight billion people on this planet, that’s why I was wondering if it’s ok to make such a big deal out of my thoughts”.

Yoongi thought about it carefully. “I think everyone on this planet should feel important. Just because you think you’re not contributing enough, doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference. It doesn’t need to be something big. Just by being you, you can be of help for someone.”

“How can you help someone though?” Jisoo wondered. It was something she never did, that’s why she also didn’t know what to do.

“It doesn’t need to be an action you know. Just by being there for someone or listening to that someone you can change someone’s heart. You don’t have to physically do something in order to be important to someone.”

Jisoo wondered if that was Yoongi’ role in her life. He never really did anything, he just listened to her and was there for her when she needed it. He was indeed important to her.

“I think we shouldn’t think of things like that… I used to think about it as well, but I realized that you won’t find an answer for yourself. It will only give you sleepless nights and takes away all of your energy. Not everyone in this world has a purpose, but it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it anyways”, Yoongi explained.

“Maybe you’re right” Jisoo agreed. If she would think about it too much, she would drive herself crazy.

“How about we watch a movie? I can bring my laptop over if you want” Yoongi suggested.

“Sounds good! I’ll dry my hair real quick then” Jisoo said. She went back to the bathroom and blow dried her hair. She actually looked quite ok this time. In the end Yoongi never complained about her looks anyways, but she still wanted to look pretty. As she walked out of the bathroom she cleaned up her desk and cleaned her room a little bit. It was not dirty or anything, but she still wanted to make it cozier. Yoongi came back with his laptop and some snacks. He had changed into sweatpants and a hoodie, which still made him look super attractive. He sat down on the bed and opened his laptop. Jisoo came over as well and sat next to him on her bed.

“Oh wow, why do you have so many folders? How can you find anything” she wondered.

“These aren’t done yet, I still need to finish them and then I can organize them”, Yoongi explained the chaotic desktop.

“What do you mean by you have to finish them?”, Jisoo wondered.       

“Well I just… I like to make songs.”

Jisoo didn’t expect this answer. What did she think all these folders were for anyways? She was kind of impressed. “Are all of these songs you made?”

“Yeah…” he said without a change in his tone.

“Wait… do you sing as well?”

Now Yoongi looked at her with a weird facial expression. “Of course not… I let other people sing it, but I like to make beats and I also write some lyrics…”

“Wow that’s really impressive!” Jisoo said. She wondered what the songs were about. This little secret that she didn’t know about him yet made him even more mysterious. How many talents does this guy have anyways? “Can you show me some?”

“Well… they are not really good to be honest. I’m not sure if…” he said but stopped.

“If what?” Jisoo urged him.

“It’s a little embarrassing to show them to you to be honest. These are songs I wrote together with my crew, it’s kind of our hobby besides dancing…”

“I promise I won’t laugh if they are bad ok?” Jisoo begged him. She really wanted to listen to them. Then Yoongi gave in, nodded and opened his music player. The songs she heard were really awesome. They had a Hip-Hop vibe to them and the lyrics were amazing as well! Jisoo heard different voices, some were singing, others were rapping.

“So you rap huh?” she said, while clicking on the next song.

“I guess you could call it like that”, he hesitated. Jisoo listened to at least ten songs without saying anything to Yoongi. He on the other hand just waited for her judgement. After she was done listening she turned to face him.

“These are awesome! I mean seriously!” she cheered. Yoongi was surprised by her praise.

“Are you serious right now or are you joking with me?” he wanted to know.

“Of course I’m serious! You guys could actually become a boyband or at least do something with music later on… people would love this kind of music!”.

Yoongi seemed a bit embarrassed but still laughed a little awkwardly. He scratched the back of his head. “Well… I only showed you the good ones. Anyways… what do you want to watch?”

Jisoo just stared at him with an amused smile on her lips.

“What?” Yoongi asked.

“Nothing, choose whatever you like” she said. She really liked how cute he was in that moment. He seemed to be really passionate about his music, but wasn’t sure if it was actually good enough to show it to people. She also liked that he showed her the songs without too much hesitation. It seemed like he didn’t show them to a lot of people, so Jisoo felt a tiny bit special. She really wanted to know if she was as important to him as he was for her. She wanted to ask, but at the same time she didn’t want to ruin the evening. The last time she had watched a movie, was with her brother a few days before his death. She wanted to have a new memory. She didn’t want to think of her pain every time she tried to watch something. She wanted to just enjoy watching a movie with a person she really liked. Jisoo knew that she had already fallen way too hard for Yoongi, but there was no point in stopping now. Mr. Lee was right, she should live in the moment, that’s why she would enjoy the evening.

“Can I click on play or do you want to keep staring at me?” Yoongi asked her.

“Oh… You can start”, she said while taking the snacks.

They were watching an American Superhero movie. It was really funny and Jisoo enjoyed it. She enjoyed the jokes in the movie, that made her brighten up. She also enjoyed Yoongi’s warmth next to her. After a while she put her head on his shoulder. She expected him to just let her and not react in any way but he took her hand and linked his fingers in hers. Jisoo wanted the movie to never end, in order to just sit there like that. The movie was over but neither of them moved. There was a moment of awkward silence.

“Thanks for watching a movie with me” Jisoo then said to break the silence.

“Maybe we should sleep, you have to get up early again tomorrow”, Yoongi suggested.

Jisoo nodded but didn’t want him to leave. She didn’t let go of his hand. Meanwhile Yoongi used his free hand to turn of the laptop.

“Can you teach me how to make songs one day?” Jisoo asked him.

“Do you really want to?” he asked her.

Jisoo nodded. Yoongi’s eyes changed. They started to sparkle a little as if he was really happy that Jisoo wanted to share his passion. “OK, sure!” he then said. He put the laptop on the nightstand next to him and still didn’t let go of Jisoo’s hand.  He turned in order to sit in front of Jisoo. He just looked at their hands.

“Can you stay with me?” Jisoo finally asked.

Yoongi looked at her for a while, but nodded in the end. Jisoo finally dared to let go of his hand. She arranged her pillows and crawled under the blanket. After a few moments, Yoongi cleaned up the snacks from the bed and put the rest on Jisoo’s desk. He walked across the room and turned of the light in the room. After he came back he crawled under the blanked as well and pulled Jisoo closer without hesitation. Jisoo loved this about him. Even though he wasn’t lighthearted he still made her feel like all the worries in the world were unnecessary. She wanted to stay with him as long as she could. She knew herself that “forever” was a big word, but at least she wanted to stay with him for long. She didn’t want to let go of her guardian angel. Yoongi fell asleep really quickly. He seemed to be exhausted. It must’ve been hard to balance school and everyday training with his crew. Jisoo wondered if he ever slept properly. She studied his face in the dark. She already knew every single centimeter of it, but still didn’t have enough to just look at it. This boy had so many facets. His dark eyes when he was worried, his naïve expression when he was sleeping, or his beautiful smile when he experienced a moment of happiness. Jisoo loved all of it.

The next morning, she didn’t want to leave his arms when her alarm was ringing. Yoongi was annoyed by the alarm sound though. He reached over her and took her phone to turn it off.

“Let’s go eat breakfast after you’re ready” Yoongi suggested while stretching in bed. Jisoo sat up and nodded. The night was over too soon. While Jisoo was getting ready in the bathroom, Yoongi made the bed and waited for her at the window. Jisoo saw him staring outside with an empty look. She had to chuckle a little, he indeed wasn’t a morning person at all. Just looking at him she felt at ease. She walked over to take his hand. Then she dragged him to the door to walk to breakfast. Yoongi didn’t refuse at all. They loaded their plates with a lot of food and sat at Jisoo’s regular place.

“Maybe it was a bad idea to come… next time I’m gonna get some food to your room”, Yoongi said.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jisoo wondered.

“Just don’t turn around… the creep is daggering you with her eyes.”

Jisoo didn’t know what he was talking about right away. Soon she realized he was talking about Park Soo Young. It was true that she had interest in Yoongi, but so far she didn’t really say too much. Ever since the first school day she never talked to Jisoo again. Jisoo almost forgot that girl existed. Even though they were in the same class, Jisoo never really paid attention to the other two.

“Let’s just ignore her… it’s not like she’ll kill me” Jisoo joked.

“Let’s not make jokes like that” Yoongi said, while his eyes turned dark again. Jisoo was a little shocked by the change. Sometimes it was like Yoongi changed into a totally different person within seconds. Jisoo wondered which side was the real one… was it the one he only showed to her, or was exactly this side a mask he had put on for too long? Jisoo just hoped that the boy she fell in love with, was the real one.

“I should get my stuff from your room”, Yoongi said.

“Let’s go then. I need to go get my books anyways”. The two walked back into her room. Jisoo packed her books and Yoongi cleaned up his things. Park Soo Young stood right in front of Jisoo’s room, as both of them left through the door. Both of them were startled.

“What are you two doing here?” Soo Young asked.

“What are you doing here?” Jisoo countered. Both of the girls just glared at each other. Yoongi just stood there not knowing what to say. “I’ll get going then” he said.

“Min Yoongi wait!” Soo Young screamed and walked after him. Jisoo didn’t know what to do. Should she follow them as well? All her worries were unnecessary. Yoongi went back to his room and closed the door right in front of Soo Young’s face. Jisoo felt some kind of schadenfreude and then walked off to class. No one was in the classroom yet. Jisoo used her time to prepare the next chapter in the book.

“Didn’t I tell you to stay away from him?” she heard Soo Young’s voice. That girl stood right in front of Jisoo’s desk. Jisoo looked up for a second but then decided to not waste her energy on this crazy girl.

“Are you ignoring me?” Soo Young asked.

Jisoo sighed. This girl was just too much. “What do you want from me?”

“I already told you! He’s mine so stay away from him!” she screamed.

Jisoo was tired of the conversation already. “He’s not interested in you… Just accept it and leave us alone.”

Park Soo Young became even angrier. “What do you mean by us?”

“None of your business!” Jisoo said, while raising her voice as well.

“Girls let’s sit down quietly and start class.” Ms. Choi interrupted the dispute. Jisoo was thankful to her teacher for coming in just in that moment. Jisoo would never admit it, but Soo Young scared her. To her surprise, Soo Young listened to the teacher and went to her desk. They started class as if nothing ever happened. Jisoo was still surprised from time to time how well all the people in this house kept the house rules.

“OK for the rest of today I want you to work on your English test exams. This time you can use the dictionary to help”, Ms. Choi announced. Jisoo wanted to take out the dictionary from her bag but noticed that it wasn’t there.

“Ms. Choi, I forgot to take my dictionary today. Can I go downstairs to go get it?” Jisoo asked her teacher. Ms. Choi just smiled at her and nodded. Usually no one was allowed to leave the room during class time, but Jisoo was an outstanding student and it was her own study time anyways. Jisoo walked down to her room and searched for the book. She found it under her notebook and grabbed it. As she left her room she saw Yoongi walking up the stairs.

“Yah! Min Yoongi!” she called for him, but he didn’t hear her. She walked a bit faster to catch up with him. She expected him to go to the rooftop and wanted to walk back to her classroom with him. To her surprise he stopped right in front of Mr. Lee’s therapy room. As usual the door was open.

“Mr. Lee… do you have some time?” Yoongi asked.

“Min Yoongi! What a surprise! Sure come on in…” she heard Mr. Lee’s voice from inside of the room. Yoongi entered the room and closed the door. Jisoo wanted to know what was going on, but at the same time she was supposed to go back to her class. She knew what she was doing was more than wrong, but she walked up to Mr. Lee’s door anyways. If it would’ve been anyone else, she wouldn’t care, but she couldn’t suppress her curiosity.

“What brings you here? Of course, I’m happy to see you, but at the same time you being here means something is troubling you”, she heard Mr. Lee’s voice through the door.

“I don’t know what to do… I think I did something terrible…” Yoongi said.