Chapter 24 - Seokjin's Diary

Jisoo’s first day in middle school:

Today was Jisoo’s first day of middle school. She was so excited when school finished. I waited for her at the entrance to go home together. I remember how badly she cried when I had to move up to middle school. It broke my heart as well, because I always liked to go to school with my sister. Today I was so happy too! We are finally reunited and can go to school together for another year, before I’m going to High School… I hope this year never ends! She learned so many things today already! I think she will become very smart and I will help her with her homework.

…

Her first crush

Today I found out that Kim Jiwon the little brother of my friend is in the same grade as Jisoo. It seems like he has a crush on her… I don’t like it. He doesn’t seem to be that smart and he seems to be a trouble maker as well. I hope Jisoo won’t get involved with him. At the same time I don’t think I need to be worried, as she doesn’t care about boys yet. Let’s hope she never will…

…

Last day of middle school

It was the last day of middle school today. I can’t wait for our family vacation! It’s going to be great. It will be only Jisoo, me and our parents. I know Jisoo was sad all day because we won’t be going to school again together for another two years. I hope these two years will go by quickly. Of course I see her everyday at home, but it’s still not the same. It worries me sometimes, because she depends too much on me. At the same time I’m happy to be a good brother to her. I want her to grow up to be an independent girl, and I know she can succeed.

…

Last day of High School

Today wasn’t a good day. I don’t know what to do. I tried to keep it in for such a long time but today I came to the realization that it was inside of me for way too long. Just seeing Jisoo’s sad eyes killed me. She was so sad for me to leave school. At the end of the day I waited for her at the school entrance. Usually she came out all excited to meet me and to go home, but today was different. In general she liked to boast to her friends about me, but today she straight up ignored me and walked to the car. Inside I asked her what was going on, but then she blamed me for leaving her there alone. Jisoo and I became really good at pretending, but Jisoo has become better than me. For the first time I realized that she hated being in this school. She even fooled me into thinking she enjoyed being there. I can understand… for both of us it’s hard to pretend to like these other students. Even though they have similar social backgrounds as we do, it seems like they aren’t raised that properly though. All they care about is what brand someone wears or what their parents do. Our parents have always taught us to be considerate, even though I have my doubts about Jisoo sometimes. I feel like she wants to be considerate but doesn’t know how to. I try to teach her but I’m scared it will be too hard for her after I go to university. Today she seemed to hate me. I never felt like this… we we’re always a team. Today was also the day I realized that what I feel isn’t brotherly concern. The way she looked at me and told me that she hated me for leaving her there stabbed my heart in several ways. I always thought that I’m just an overprotective brother, but that’s not the case. I like her…

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What did she do?

Today I got a weird call from Jisoo. I think she tried to harm herself somehow. Just by the tone of her voice I know that something is wrong. She’s probably alone today, as our parents are out on a meeting like usually. Jisoo said she was at school until late at night and only came home when it was already dark outside. Lately she’s having troubles keeping her grades at the top that’s why I think our parents are stressing her too much. I feel bad for her. Even though I don’t want her to compare herself to me, she always does in the end. I have always been a top student, therefore our parents want her to be the same. However, it’s too much pressure for her. Maybe I should’ve slacked off in school a little for her… I’m just scared that she will eventually succeed in hurting herself. I can’t live in a world without her, I just can’t…

…

The diagnosis

I went to the hospital today without letting my parents know. I felt strange all day long. I felt pain all over my body, so Jisoo made me go to the hospital. They checked the basic things, but then they wanted to do more checks. Jisoo who came with me was getting nervous. At the end of the day they said I might be really sick and wanted to keep me there overnight. I refused and went home with Jisoo. At home I tried not to get too scared of what might happen tomorrow when I go to the hospital again. The weird thing is, that I enjoy this situation. A while ago Jisoo came into my room bursting out in tears. I tried to calm her down and hugged her for a long time until she fell asleep in my arms. I know it’s selfish, but I like looking at her sleeping right next to me. Right in this moment I can feel the warmth from her body. She looks so beautiful even though I feel sorry. Because of me she worries and because of me she’s exhausted. However, I don’t want this moment to end…

…

To the hospital again

I can’t believe I’m actually sitting in a hospital bed right now. After all the checks yesterday I had to do more procedures again today. It turns out that I’m actually sick. The doctor explained to me that it had to do with a rare inherited gene that I’ve gotten from my birth mother. I don’t know what to think or what to feel. I have this picture of Jisoo’s crying face stuck in my head, as if it was burned onto my brain. I don’t know how long she cried today. For some reason I’m not scared. I believe that the doctors will do everything in their power to save me. The funniest thing today was, that I was thinking about the time after my death. I know that they couldn’t save my mother back in the day. Even though science advanced a lot since then, I still think that my time has come. I keep thinking that maybe this isn’t a punishment but liberation.

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Worries

I did something really stupid today. I know I will die soon, which is why I want to be true to myself at least in the very end. I want to spend the rest of my life in peace with the person I love. It’s not enough for me to just see Jisoo for a few hours every day. I want to be with her for real. I know I can’t but that’s just how I feel. Mom was in the hospital this morning. I asked her if she would consider getting a divorce but she didn’t understand. I told her that I was in love with Jisoo and to my surprise she wasn’t shocked. I told her that I wanted to be with Jisoo, but Mom made clear to me that it wasn’t an option. I came to the realization that she was right. Do I have the right to destroy Jisoo’s life? Even if I would be happy for a few weeks, it wasn’t for sure that Jisoo would be. She sees me as her brother and probably nothing else. If I told her about how I felt she would be too confused about what to think and not come visit me every day anymore. Not seeing her will be worse than not being able to fully have her. If I die in a few months and would succeed in making my parents get a divorce it would only destroy all of their lives. My parent’s reputation would break into pieces and Jisoo couldn’t have a normal life anymore. I can’t do this to her, I just can’t. I love her too much. I rather die in pain than causing pain to her.

…

In the hospital

I met this guy today. I went to the rooftop just to get some fresh air, but it seems like he was scared for me to jump.  Somehow, we ended up talking for a long time. He’s really nice, but I wonder why he’s here… It seems like he broke his legs. I want to know why. For some reason I want to know more about this Min Yoongi. Even though it’s strange, I feel a connection to him. I feel like he could play a major role in my life, how ever long it might still be.

…

Min Yoongi

The boy I met is just really interesting. I realized today, that Min Yoongi tried to kill himself. He said he had no more hope in this world and he didn’t find another solution. I understand him. There’s also no hope for me… The only thing I look forward to is to see Jisoo’s face. When I asked Yoongi how he had felt in the moment he jumped he said, that he was at peace. It sounds nice… being at peace with your life…

…

It’s him

The more I get to know Yoongi, the more I seem to understand Jisoo. My dear Jisoo… she managed to fool me. Whenever she’s here I actually believe that she enjoys the time she spends with me but in the end I know that it’s torture for her. She spends all of her free time with me just to make me happy, but when did I make her happy the last time? When did I ever really know how she felt like? I don’t blame her for not telling me… what is she supposed to say anyways? She would never tell me that it hurts her to see me here like this. She would never let me know how sad she really is. My death is inevitably, but I just don’t know when to let go.

Yoongi told me so much about him, however everything he says reminds me of Jisoo. It seems like Yoongi just feels the same as Jisoo. It’s funny how these two are the same but still different. The only difference is that Yoongi opened up to me and says whatever is on his mind, while Jisoo just tries to protect me from her dark thoughts. I wish she wouldn’t… I wish she would just scream at me or cry or at least say something that she really believed in. The more I think of them the more I’m certain. If Jisoo would ever meet Yoongi she would fall in love with him head over heels. Sometimes I think Yoongi could be the only one that could save Jisoo. He’s the only one who could truly understand her and the only one who wouldn’t care about who she was and what she did. If he liked her as well he would try to be there for her despite all of the flaws she thinks she has. The closer I am to my death the less I understand Jisoo. How can someone this perfect not be able to love herself? How can someone like her, who always puts my wellbeing before her own, not be able to express her true self? I just hope with me gone she will finally have the chance to be herself. I don’t want her to be a doll that just does what its supposed to do. I want her to be free…

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Goodbye

Yoongi made me go through with my decision. I already decided to do this when the doctors told me that there was nothing else they could do for me. First, I wanted to live for Jisoo but now that doesn’t even make sense anymore. How can I make her suffer like this? I know that there is nothing left that the doctors can do for me, therefore I don’t want my family to suffer any longer. I don’t want Jisoo to suffer anymore.

Even though I know this is the right thing to do I’m scared. Not for me but for Jisoo and Yoongi. I know Jisoo will be devastated. She will be sad and heartbroken, but I’m sure she can get over it. Yoongi however is something different. I know he had been struggling mentally for a long time, and I know he already tried to kill himself once, luckily without success. I just hope he won’t blame himself. It’s not his fault and I just hope he knows that. I made this decision even before I got to know him. I just don’t want to be a burden to my family and I kind of want to get it over with. I wouldn’t do this if there was a 1% chance, but I know that there’s none. I don’t want to live in this world if I can’t be with Jisoo. I don’t want to live in this world that gives me no choice but to ignore my feelings. Maybe it’s good like this… this way I don’t have to see her getting married to someone I can’t stand. This way I can keep on loving her even if I’m far away. This way she will be free of me.

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It’s time to go

Yoongi visited me this morning. I envy him a little. It would be great if I could live as well. I asked him to protect Jisoo for me and I hope he will. I hope they will meet each other on a beautiful sunny spring day, and eventually both of them could start to bloom. He made me realize again that I’m shaking and that I’m afraid, but I keep going forward with my decision. I hope both of them can meet their real selves that are hidden in the storm of their thoughts. Now that the end is here, I wonder why did I want to hide my precious self like that? What was I so afraid of? Why did I hide my true self? But I guess Jisoo and me have always been like that somehow. It’s OK though. After Yoongi promised me to take care of my beloved Jisoo I’m at peace. I can finally go and leave her here without having to regret anything. Even just now before she left the hospital, I tried to say a genuine goodbye, but I just couldn’t do it. I hope she won’t curse me forever. I think I’m ready now. In the past I used to write things down because I didn’t have anyone, I could share these thoughts with. Now I don’t even know anymore why I’m still writing this… maybe deep down I’m hoping for Jisoo to find it. Maybe then she will understand. Maybe then… she will eventually find her will to live again. This world is beautiful, and I was lucky enough to love and be loved by wonderful people. On top of it all I never had a bad life, so I guess it’s OK to say goodbye now. I’ll keep on watching this beautiful earth from somewhere else…

…

Dear Jisoo,

If you read this, it means you found my secret folder. Of course, you knew how to get in. I secretly hoped you would find it one day. I’m sorry I had to do this to you, but it was the best for all of us.

How have you been lately? Did you move on? Did you find joy in your life again? How much time has passed since I left? Has it been days, months or even years? I just hope you’re doing well.

I know you must have mixed feelings towards me right now. You might hate me for leaving you or maybe you’re even glad that you don’t have to carry this burden anymore and pretend that everything is OK. We were both really good at pretending. I wanted to live my life for you, but as I kept doing that, I just couldn’t bare the storm inside my heart anymore. My real self, inside the smiling mask, I revealed it entirely. If you’re too confused right now I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen, but I couldn’t control my feelings. April 23^rd, the day our parents got married, has been a cruel date for me for a long time now. It was the day we became a family but also the day when I had to lock my feelings for you away. The last few weeks in the hospital however I figured out that you fooled me as well. You became so good at pretending that even I believed every single word you said. Just like always you had a mask on and greeted me with cheers. I was your star and I tried to shine as if nothing was wrong. But the moment I should’ve shined for you the most, was when I had to take my mask off. I’m a lost star and I’m going to find my way home, where ever that place might be.

Whether or not you met Yoongi, I just want you to understand. This isn’t his fault and it isn’t your fault. I made this decision on my own for no one but for myself. I know it sounds selfish but once in a while you need to put your own desires first too. I hope you will do so as well. You were the only reason that kept me alive for that long, but I think it’s now the time to live your life on your own. I don’t want you to remember anything bad about me, therefore I decided to leave before I would change into something, I didn’t want you to see. I know this must be shocking to you but that's just the way I feel. I tried to ignore my feelings for a long time but eventually I had to be true to myself. I hate that I love you because I can't.... Despite it all I will keep my watch over you, and I hope you will meet people that accept you for who you are without having to put on a mask any longer.

I only have one last request… If you didn’t meet Yoongi yet, I would like for you to find him and remind him of the promise he made and that none of this is his fault. I want both of you to live a long, healthy and happy life.

I love you, Jin