Chapter 18 - Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone

Jisoo ended up going to the coffee store to meet up with Jennie. “Thank you for meeting with me again”, Jennie said politely. Jisoo was confused. What was with this girl? Why was she trying to be so polite all of a sudden? Jisoo sat down across from her and waited for her to explain.

“I think I should say sorry first. I might have been too aggressive before. I was accusing you without letting you tell your side of the story, sorry. The thing is just… you know the guys are really good friends of mine, I guess that’s why I went a little overboard.”

“Maybe you should start by explaining what you think is going on here… because I’m not even sure what you’re talking about”, Jisoo argued.

“Oh… sure ok”, Jennie started. “I’m just going to start from the beginning. So… The boys from Yoongi’s dance crew, as well as my team we’re really good and close friends. We meet from time to time, go to competitions together to cheer each other on, or we just hang out. The thing is, Yoongi never really shared much with us girls but we still noticed that something was going on. He was super happy a few weeks ago, but then, all of a sudden he seemed to be totally out of it.”

“What do you mean by totally out of it?”

“Well… he wasn’t really there mentally. His thoughts are somewhere far away, and one of the guys told me that he gets drunk quite often these days. For goodness sake! He’s not even allowed to drink! I tried talking to him but he totally blocked me out. He only comes to practice once in a while, so all the boys are really worried. When I asked what the reason for his behavior was, one of my friends told me that you’re the reason. They said you two were in a relationship, but it didn’t work out. When I saw you sitting in the cafeteria all pretty and relaxed I just freaked out I guess… Sorry again. But it doesn’t make sense to me to see you so… normal, while Yoongi is devastated. I just think if we don’t help him soon he might lose himself again”, Jennie explained.

“Then just give me his number already. I’ll call him and we will resolve the misunderstanding. I just want to see his face, but I had my own issues for the last couple of weeks.”

“I know…” Jennie said in an apologetic voice. “I’m just not sure if a call will make him better. I think you two really need to meet face to face and talk it out. I can’t stand to see him like this.”

Jisoo changed her mind about Jennie. She was actually nicer than she ever imagined. How could she be so caring for her friends? Why would she help Jisoo without any conditions? Jisoo almost thought it was too good to be true. All the time she waited to contact Yoongi, because she was afraid of what he would say. Even after she got out she searched for him, but couldn’t even find him. Now this girl just appeared in front of her and made everything she wanted come true like a fairy. Maybe she was dreaming…

“Maybe I can arrange a meeting. Let’s see how can we do this? I guess if I tell him I’m going to bring you along, he won’t come. We have to make it look like a coincidence”, Jennie started to scheme a plan. Jisoo wasn’t all to fond of the idea. She didn’t want to lie to Yoongi. However, Jisoo agreed to come when they had a performance. If they were performing in the street or some other place, Jennie would let Jisoo know. It seemed like an OK plan. Jisoo rather wanted to just go meet him right now and talk to him, but Jennie convinced her not to. Jisoo hated this, but Jennie was right. Whatever it was that made Yoongi like this, it definitely was partly Jisoo’s fault. If she just showed up right in front of him it might not be good for him.

“Give me your phone”, Jennie demanded. Jisoo wasn’t too sure of what to do. What did Jennie want to do now? Even though this girl right across from her was super nice and helped her, Jisoo just couldn’t trust her. She never really trusted anyone, except for her brother and Yoongi.

“Do you want his new phone number or not?”, Jennie asked impatiently. Just thinking about Yoongi, Jisoo handed over her phone without a second thought. “OK, so now that we’re done with the plan, how about we hang out some more?” Jennie wanted to know.

“I’m not sure… my parents expect me to be home early today so…” Jisoo started.

“Oh sure, don’t worry about it”, Jennie said. Then both of them got ready to leave. Outside Jisoo called her driver to come pick her up. While waiting Jisoo checked her phone to make sure it was real. She really had Yoongi’s phone number now. She had mixed feeling about it. On the one hand she was happy and glad to finally be able to contact him, on the other hand she was scared. What if he really didn’t want to see her again? Would it only make it worse if she tried to call him? Jisoo tried to push away negative thoughts. She would wait for him patiently, and Jennie would help her out as well. It was only a matter of time until she could finally meet him, therefore she needed to be patient. Truthfully Jisoo just wanted to ask Jennie where the exact location was, where the guys usually practiced. She wanted to go there right now and find him, but without remembering where it was it was pretty much impossible to find him on her own. Jisoo was wondering if Jennie didn’t give her more info about Yoongi because she didn’t want to or because she actually didn’t know that well herself. When Jisoo’s driver Kim Wonhae finally arrived she was glad to go home for once. It was just a very eventful day. She had to organize her thoughts. Just everything today was out of the ordinary, but all she wanted was to have an ordinary day…

First there were her classmates that kept talking about her behind her back, then there was the new situation with Jennie and on top of it all Yoongi only made her more confused than ever before. Arriving at home, Jisoo tried to concentrate on her studies. It was a trait that she enhanced to a maximum, but today she just couldn’t bring herself to it. It was OK though, it was only the first day of school, so it would be OK to slack off a little bit…

At dinner her parents wanted to know how she felt to be back in school and of course Jisoo told them everything was fine, and that everyone was very nice and welcoming. Jisoo and Seokjin had always been the perfect actors, but the worst of it all was, that their parents believed every single word they said. Jisoo was afraid to drift back into her old behavior. She didn’t want to lie to her parents, but what was she supposed to say? Should she tell her parents that she was in love with a guy, who was nothing like what they would expect? Should she tell them that she was constantly searching for someone who had too many issues on his own? They would probably not even understand…

Later that night Jisoo just couldn’t fall asleep. She rolled around in her bed but nothing helped. She went outside on her balcony and looked into the sky. The stars were so pretty… She wondered how Seokjin felt about living up there, up in the stars… She missed him terribly tonight. She just wanted to have him by her side to talk. What should she do? Should she wait for Yoongi to come back to her or should she go to him before it was too late to save him? She just didn’t know what to do… She took her phone and stared at Yoongi’s number. Maybe it wasn’t smart to call him, but Jisoo couldn’t stand it anymore. She didn’t know what time it was or what she was supposed to say if he picked up, but she had already put her phone on her ear. It rang only three times, then the voice mail answered the phone. Jisoo felt like her heart got stabbed. This either meant that he knew exactly who was calling and blocked the call on purpose or he just didn’t want to be bothered at night. On the inside Jisoo already knew the answer. The rest of the night was even more sleepless than before.

For the rest of the week, Jisoo tried to not think of it, but of course that wasn’t possible. She tried to concentrate in class but she just couldn’t. She didn’t even notice the others talking about her anymore, and after two to three days they had lost their interest in Jisoo anyways. The only thing that everyone was still talking about was Jisoo’s relationship to Jennie. That girl just kept sitting at lunch with Jisoo. At first Jisoo thought it was suspicious and weird, but then on the other hand it was nice to talk someone that wasn’t as snobby as everyone else in this school. They talked a lot about each other, but explicitly tried to avoid the guy topic. It seemed like Jennie noticed Jisoo’s terrible mood and tried to cheer her up. It almost felt like a friend that she was talking to.

Thursday morning Jisoo’s class only started at 10AM, which was why she arranged therapy sessions with Mr. Lee on that day before class. Arriving at his clinic Jisoo felt a little uncomfortable. This wasn’t as welcoming and cozy as she imagined it to be. It looked more like a hospital to be more exact. In the end the appearance of the building shouldn’t matter though. As she walked into Mr. Lee’s office she felt secure and save again. Here she didn’t have to deal with the outside world and she felt great just to see Mr. Lee’s face.

“I’m so glad to see you Jisoo! It feels so empty without you!” Mr. Lee said as she walked in. Jisoo was glad too. She used to see this man every single day for almost three months. It was a weird feeling to meet him only now. Jisoo was almost excited to talk to him, just because she could actually tell him everything without paying attention to her words.

“So? How were the first few days back at school? Is it bearable?”, he wanted to know. Jisoo told him all about her first day, how she heard other students talk about her and how she didn’t really enjoy going there in general. She also told him about the situation with Jennie and Yoongi.

“What do you feel about her? To me it sounds like you’re not quite fond of her”.

“Well… I’m not quite sure what to think honestly. On the one hand, she’s really nice and she helps me out. On the other hand… it just annoys me that she know things about Yoongi that I don’t! I’m angry at her a little… It’s like… why doesn’t she just tell me where I can go meet him? To me it seems like she doesn’t want me to meet Yoongi, but I’m not sure if it’s because she wants to protect him or because of something else.”

“I would rather say you’re a little jealous, aren’t you?”, Mr. Lee joked.

Jisoo blushed. Maybe she really was jealous. Jennie was beautiful indeed, no wonder Jisoo felt a little inferior to her. Jennie was also popular in school, but didn’t really care about it. Jennie was basically exactly how Jisoo wanted to be like but couldn’t. On top of it all it seemed like Jennie knew more about Yoongi than Jisoo and it bothered her too much.

“Maybe you’re right… but I guess I have to stick to her to finally meet him again.”

“What are you going to do if the meeting doesn’t work out the way you hope?” Mr. Lee asked.

“I don’t know… I just hope he will explain. I mean if he really hates me, then I’ll leave him alone, but I just don’t think that’s the reason…”

“What about your brother?”

“What about him?”

“Did he show up again?”, Mr. Lee wondered.

Jisoo became sad again all of a sudden. She pretended to be happy for the last three days but it was just to hard now, thinking about Seokjin. “No…” Jisoo said with a discouraged voice. She wanted her brother to appear right in front of her, but it seemed like he didn’t want to help her this time. The session was over too soon, but Jisoo had to get going if she didn’t want to come to school too late. In school it finally seemed like a regular day. The other students lost their interest in Jisoo as she wouldn’t talk to anyone more than necessary. Only at lunch people were looking at her, as Jennie sat with her again. Jisoo tried to push away her jealousy. Actually, Jennie was amazing. Jisoo felt like they had already become friends even if they only started talking to each other a few days ago.

“Namjoon told me that you dance as well, is that true?” Jennie asked. Jisoo wondered which one of the guys Namjoon was, but she couldn’t remember. She knew their faces and their names, but she couldn’t match them yet. At the same time she wondered how much Jennie knew from the guys and how much they would talk about Jisoo. Jisoo tried to not think about it too much, otherwise she would just be discouraged again. She wanted to see not only Yoongi, but all of them. She wanted to have fun with them again and hang out at a bonfire like they did last time. For Jisoo it was such a valuable experience.

“Yes, I used to dance ballet for several years”, Jisoo answered.

“Then… are you interested to get back into dancing?”

“Mmmhhh I haven’t thought about it yet… Why are you asking?”

“Well, me and two of my friends have a dance crew as well. I was thinking if you’re interested you might wanna join? We were searching for a fourth member for quite some time now...”

Jisoo felt excited. Just imagining to dance again made her so happy. She wanted to feel the freedom she usually felt while dancing. She wanted to feel nothing but the beat of the music. She wondered why Jennie offered it to her but she was actually considering to join. “I would love to, but I’m not sure if I’m good enough”, Jisoo hesitated. She didn’t want to be a burden to them or bother them.

“You won’t be! Awesome! I’ll let the girls know then. We’re probably only going to meet next week as I’m going on a business trip with my parents this weekend, but I’ll let you know where and when we meet!” Jennie announced in an excited voice. Jisoo was happy as well. She wanted to do what she loved and this seemed like the first step.

The next day was just like the others. Jisoo was so glad that it was finally Friday. She didn’t really enjoy going to school, but at least she enjoyed her lunch time with Jennie. Even though they weren’t real friends yet, it felt more real than any other friendship she ever started in this school. After school Jisoo’s driver picked her up and brought her home. Arriving there Jisoo started to do her homework. After a while she wanted to check something on her phone, however she couldn’t find it. She rummaged in her backpack until she finally found it. Looking on the screen of her phone, she noticed six missing calls from Jennie. What was going on? Jennie never called her, she only sent her text messages. Jisoo called her back to check what was going on.

“Finally! Why are you not picking up your phone? Whatever that’s not what’s important right now. The guys are going to be performing in the city center today. If you want to use your chance you should go now! Namjoon told me they are going to be there until 7PM…” Jennie said in a very fast manner. However, Jisoo could follow every single word. Her entire body started to burn with excitement. She finally had a chance to see Yoongi.

Jisoo ran out of the house like a crazy person. She just needed to see his face. She asked her driver to drop her off as close to the city center as possible. Then she ran through the streets until she finally heard some music. Her heart was beating like crazy. She saw a crowd of people close to her and approached them. It was them! She tried to get closer but couldn’t quite see everything. However she did see Hoseok. She was so glad but scared at the same time. What was she supposed to say? She tried to get closer but there were too many people. Jisoo decided to take a few steps back and wait for the performance to end. They would have to clean up their things afterwards anyways and she waited for almost a month now… these few minutes wouldn’t make such a big difference now. She sat down on a bench that was close by. Just sitting there reminded her of her first time meeting Yoongi. It was pretty close to this place as well. She had been sitting on a bench as well after their performance. Last time there weren’t that many people though. At the same time it was the beginning of the weekend today after all. Jisoo waited there for about twenty minutes until the performance was over. The crowd of people started to move away from the scene. Jisoo took all her courage and stood up. She walked up to the guys slowly. She started to see a few faces, while her heart started beating even more. She was so nervous. Then she finally saw his face. Just seeing it, she couldn’t continue walking. She just stood there in front of them. They didn’t notice her at first, but she couldn’t even make a sound. Yoongi’s face looked like it should be, his eyes however were filled with darkness. Jisoo could see that he wasn’t doing well. His eyes were frightening. Then Hoseok finally noticed her standing there. He looked a little surprise at first but then he seemed to be worried. He looked over to Yoongi who still didn’t notice Jisoo there. He walked over to him and talked to him. Jisoo couldn’t hear anything, but then Yoongi finally looked at her. The gaze he had in his eyes was piercing Jisoo’s heart. What had happened to make him like this? They looked at each other for a few seconds, but then Yoongi kept cleaning up the scene. The other guys cleaned up as well, even though they kept looking at Jisoo from time to time. Were they ignoring her? What the hell! They were almost ready to get going, but Jisoo finally approached them.

“Yah! Min Yoongi!” she almost screamed. Yoongi stopped and turned to face her, but didn’t say a single word. He only looked at her with his dark eyes and appeared to be annoyed of her being there. Jisoo’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you not going to explain?”, she asked him. Yoongi just kept looking at her without saying anything. Jisoo took his hand and begged him to answer. “Please! Just talk to me already!”

Yoongi pushed away her hands and took a step back. “There’s nothing left to explain”, he said while picking up his backpack. He put it over one of his shoulders and started to walk away. Jisoo on the other hand was getting angry. What in the world was this? What did he mean by there’s nothing left to explain? There was so much he had to explain in fact. How could he just walk away like this?

“Wait! You can’t just walk away!” Jisoo screamed after him.

Yoongi turned around again. He sighed and walked up to her. “Don’t you get it? I don’t wanna see you again! Please… just leave me alone!” Yoongi said.

Jisoo was so hurt by his words. Usually she would think he was lying, but this time his words sounded real. His eyes were full of hatred and darkest, Jisoo had never seen them like that. Was this the real Yoongi? Was this how he really felt about her? Jisoo couldn’t respond with a single word. She was just standing there… The other guys were looking at the both of them but they also couldn’t move. It seemed like no one knew how they were supposed to react. It felt as if someone would say something a mine would blow up. Jisoo felt warm tears falling down her cheeks but she still couldn’t move. Eventually Yoongi turned around and walked away without looking at her again.

“Yah! Min Yoongi!”, Hoseok yelled after him, but Yoongi didn’t stop or react at all. He just kept walking. Hoseok then looked over to Jisoo again. He seemed to be worried but Jisoo didn’t even notice him walking toward her.

“Maybe it’s better if you leave… people are staring…”, he told Jisoo while putting his hand on her back to make her wake up. Only then Jisoo realized that she was standing in the middle of a crowd of people. Half of them probably knew who she was and therefore a lot of them were whispering things to one another. Jisoo just nodded her head, turned around and walked away. She tried to avoid the crowded streets and kept walking into the same direction. After a while her tears stopped running down her cheeks. She probably kept walking for hours. She had no idea, but it turned dark already. Jisoo just wanted to forget everything, she wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. She ended up at the river and just broke down. She cried again like a little kid. The last time she cried this much was when she found out about Seokjin, but that was different. Even though Seokjin left her she knew that her brother loved her. Thinking about Yoongi she wasn’t so sure anymore… It felt like someone ripped out her heart, it was hurting so much! Was all she thought of him a lie? She knew there were things she didn’t know about him, but what did she even know about him?

Jisoo thought back of their first meeting. She just met a random boy, that had nothing to do with her and somehow both of them ended up in the same place. She felt such a strong connection to him, which was why she fell in love with him. At the same time she knew Yoongi was suffering from something she didn’t know about. She always thought being with him would help him, but it seemed like he only started to hate her. Jisoo kept thinking about an explanation or any reason for his behavior, but she couldn’t find one. She came to the conclusion that being with her reminded him of something that he never wanted to be remembered of. Just seeing her must’ve been a horrible reminder again… He hated her and Jisoo was about to go crazy… again.

Jisoo called Mr. Lee. She knew that he didn’t work at that time but she needed someone, just anyone she could talk to. To her surprise he picked up.

“Jisoo what’s going on?” he asked her over the phone.

“I just…”, she couldn’t finish her sentence, as tears were forming in her eyes again.

“What happened?”, Mr. Lee asked again.

“I think… he hates me…”, Jisoo started. Then she told him what had happened today, but it seemed like Mr. Lee didn’t have an answer either. It seemed like he knew something but didn’t tell Jisoo. Was all she thought she felt for Yoongi just her own imagination? Was she actually crazy for thinking that he liked her as well? Mr. Lee tried to calm her down but it didn’t seem to work. After a while Jisoo tried to calm down again. She didn’t want all of her efforts go to waste. She came to the realization that this was probably just a chapter in her life that she could get over with. It would’ve been so much easier if Yoongi at least explained. This uncertainty drover her crazy, but she tried not to let it drag her down to a dark path. She promised her brother to keep living, she promised Seokjin to be happy, and she wouldn’t even dare to try to break that promise.

“You know Jisoo… sometimes it’s hard to forgive someone. At the same time it’s even harder to forgive yourself in certain cases”, Mr. Lee eventually said. Jisoo couldn’t understand what he was saying. Was he talking about her or about Yoongi?

“As a person you need to forgive yourself first, before you can ask someone else to forgive them. Sometimes however, people change because they just can’t handle it anymore…”

Mr. Lee was right, but Jisoo still wasn’t sure what he was trying to get at. She just needed to sleep now. She felt way too exhausted to think about anything anymore. She just wanted to sleep…