Chapter 16 – Yoongi: You love her

“What are you doing over there?” Yoongi yelled over to the young man. Seokjin turned around and looked at Yoongi. “I’m just enjoying the view”, he said. Yoongi was annoyed by this boy’s frivolity. “Don’t you think you’re a little too close to the edge? Just walk back a few steps…” Yoongi convinced him. He had no idea what that boy was planning to do, but Yoongi didn’t want him to do anything stupid. He had enough of stupid decisions.

Seokjin came over to Yoongi. “What’s your name?”

“Min Yoongi”

“It’s nice to meet you, Min Yoongi! I’m Kim Seokjin.” Yoongi just nodded politely. “Do you know how to play chess?”

That’s how Yoongi’s and Seokjin’s friendship started. The first week they played chess every morning, as Seokjin said he was busy in the afternoons. It was fine with Yoongi, as his friends came over in the afternoon anyways. They either played chess or watched a movie. It felt like they knew each other since their childhood, even though they didn’t know much about each other. After a while Yoongi found out that Seokjin was the son of two politicians. However, Yoongi had never cared for politics, therefore he didn’t even know who these “famous” parents were. Seokjin seemed to like the fact that Yoongi didn’t care about his parents.

“What did you do to end up here anyways?” Seokjin asked after a few days.

“I broke a few bones. I’m now in rehabilitation…” Yoongi told him. “What about you? You look pretty normal to me.”

“Well… what should I say? Time is hunting me I guess… I’m slowly waiting for my death”, Seokjin said in a dramatic voice while smiling.

“That’s not funny…” Yoongi said.

“Truth is… I have cancer”.

Yoongi didn’t know what to say. He felt so bad for even asking.

“What’s with that face? Don’t worry I’m over it already!” Seokjin tried to explain himself. How could he be over it? What kind of a weird person was sitting across from him? Who was OK with their certain death? Yoongi had to think about the nurses he overheard a few days ago. They were talking about a brother that was basically a lost case… it was probably Seokjin they were talking about. Yoongi didn’t know how to react.

“Stop looking at me like that. I’m fine”. Seokjin assured him.

Yoongi had to think about, how terrible it must be for his family. Even though he tried to end it all, it was OK for him. He would’ve only regretted it, if his grandparents had to see him like this. For Seokjin however it must be worse. His family knew he was dying but just didn’t know when. “It must be hard for your family…” Yoongi said.

“Well… I mean I think my parents accepted it already. They’re quite rational people… my sister on the other hand tries to ignore it and pretends like nothing is wrong”.

“How come?” Yoongi wanted to know. He knew the sister was the one who brought snacks for the nurses.

“She always talks about what we’re going to do after I get out of here, even though she knows that there’s nothing left the doctors can do”, Seokjin explained.

“No offense… but if there’s nothing left for you to do, why aren’t you at home, enjoying the rest of your life?” Yoongi asked confused.

“I just can’t… if I would leave the hospital, it would be the same as just killing myself in front of her eyes. I can’t let her go through this”.

Yoongi was getting confused and angry at the same time. What was wrong with this guy? Why would he simply die in a hospital, when he could enjoy the last moments he had? Yoongi thought he was an idiot.

“You don’t have to understand this… I just do what’s right for her”, Seokjin explained.

“What?! Do you really think that’s what she would want? Do you think she wants to see you suffer in here, slowly waiting for your death?” Yoongi said.

“No… if I stay here, I can at least pretend that I didn’t give up hope yet. I just don’t have the courage. In my opinion it’s better for her to get used to me not being around as fast as she can. She can’t live without me, and I can’t live without her”.

Yoongi’s anger only became stronger. “What’s wrong with you? Just make it clear to her already. Stop giving her hope! You’re only making it worse!”

“I’m trying to prevent worse things from happening. I can’t just break her heart in several ways! You just don’t understand…”, Seokjin said, while his voice sounded desperate.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit too much to let your sister influence your life like this? It’s your life, not hers! I can’t accept you thinking about the consequences for her… you have your own life for god’s sake! I know it’s none of my business, but I don’t think this is right. What right does she have to keep you here?”.

Seokjin didn’t answer for a while. It was the first time Yoongi had seen him exhausted. He only knew Seokjin as a warmhearted, nice and happy person. The expression he had in his face now scared Yoongi. It was hatred and desperateness at the same time. “She’s all I have… she’s the only reason I’m still alive. I want her to be the last thing I see before I leave”.

Yoongi was still a little angry but he managed to calm himself down. “I mean I don’t know anything about her, but to me it seems your relationship is not healthy for either of you. You should let her go and she should let go of you. You can’t stay here like a prisoner just because you don’t want to make her sad.”

“Do you know how many years I’ve tried to?” Seokjin said in a quiet voice. What did he mean? Seokjin hadn’t been sick for years. As far as he told Yoongi, he had only been diagnosed a few months ago.

“What do you mean?” Yoongi wanted to know.

“You just don’t understand… she’s not my real sister, we’re not related whatsoever”.

Finally, Yoongi understood. Seokjin was trying to protect her. His sister was all he cared about. He didn’t want her to confuse her feelings, and he didn’t want to break her heart in more ways than it was necessary. “You love her, don’t you?”, Yoongi concluded.

“She doesn’t know, and I’m not going to tell her”, Seokjin said after a long pause. For Yoongi everything made sense now. Seokjin would be happy when the afternoon finally came around, because by then he would get to see the person he loved. He didn’t want to go home, as he was scared that his feelings would overcome him. He didn’t want to take away the last bit of hope she had left, as it would destroy her more, than if he just died in this hospital eventually.

“So you’re just going to pretend until your last breath?” Yoongi asked. However, Seokjin didn’t answer.

“Why would you do this?”, Yoongi asked. He couldn’t understand.

“There’s nothing else I can do for her”, Seokjin finally answered. Of course, Yoongi didn’t understand what Seokjin meant by that, but he didn’t want to argue any further.

“It’s not that I want to kick you out or anything, but my sister will come here any moment… so…” Seokjin started.

“I got it… I’m out then”, Yoongi said and put his hand on Seokjin’s shoulder. He felt like they have been friends for years, even though they only knew each other for a few days. All his anger that he had built up inside of him was gone now, just looking at Seokjin’s face. His eyes sparkled and were full of excitement while talking about this girl. He couldn’t fully understand his new friend, but how could he anyways? How would it feel like to be in love with someone that you can’t have? Even though they weren’t blood related, she was still Seokjin’s sister. They have been raised as siblings, so how could he develop such feelings? On the other hand, it was none of his business. It wasn’t his life, but somehow Yoongi didn’t want to see his friend suffer. He left the room and slowly walked back to his room on his crutches. That was the first time he had heard her voice.

“Jisoo! You’re early today!” one of the nurses said. Yoongi wanted to see her and turned around.

“The last class got canceled today” she said. Yoongi couldn’t see her yet but her voice sounded excited. Then she turned around the corner and stood walked to Seokjin’s room. It was the most beautiful girl Yoongi had ever seen in his entire life. His heart jumped for a second. He couldn’t explain why, but he was instantly drawn to her. Just looking at her, he understood why Seokjin was in love with her. Her entire appearance was simply perfect. However, she didn’t look happy. Jisoo stopped in front of the room breathed in and out, put on a big smile and opened the door. For Yoongi it was obvious that she was pretending to be happy. Anything else would’ve been strange anyways. It must’ve been hard for Jisoo to come here every day, pretending to be fine, while her brother was slowly dying. Yoongi felt so bad for her, but at the same time he felt bad for Seokjin. Both of them were suffering their own personal destiny, and they couldn’t do anything about it.

The next few days Yoongi kept visiting Seokjin every day, even though he was still a little angry about the argument they had before. But he needed to move his body anyways. In just a few days they had become friends. Yoongi who wanted to end his life and Seokjin whose life was ending even though he didn’t want to.

“I’m really sorry… I wish we could just switch places”, Yoongi said.

“What’s wrong with you! Why would you want to do that? You would die soon…” Seokjin joked around to lift the mood. Yoongi didn’t react to the joke though.

“I’m serious right now. I feel so bad for you. It’s not fair! Why would you die?”.

“Well… that’s just how it is… can I ask you something?” Seokjin continued with a serious tone. Yoongi nodded. “You try to kill yourself right? That’s why you’re here.”

“How do you know?” Yoongi asked.

“I guess I overheard the nurses”, Seokjin answered while scratching the back of his head. “I’m just wondering… why did you do it?”

Yoongi had to think hard, why did he do it? “I think I was just sick and tired of not having hope. It’s like you’re searching for the right path, but you only end up doing the wrong thing like a fool.”

“How did you do it and how did it feel like?” Seokjin wanted to know.

“I… I jumped off the highest bridge above Han river. I just hoped that the height would be enough, but in the end,  it only crushed my body… Strangely… I felt at peace in that moment”.

Seokjin smiled at him: “That sounds nice”.

“Only if you want to die sooner I guess…” Yoongi said in a sarcastic tone. “But let’s not talk about things like this, it’s not going to help you”.

“Nothing can help me I guess”, Seokjin joked around again.

“Do you always joke around like this?”

Seokjin nodded. “I think so… that’s how I was raised”.

“Yah! Who are you?” Yoongi laughed. “You’re like a robot!”

Seokjin laughed as well. “Yeah, I think you’re right. My parents are just a little worried. If Jisoo or me would behave in a badly manner it would get through the press pretty quickly”.

“Why? What do your parents do that you will be in the press?”

Seokjin raised his eyebrows. “Do you never watch the news or TV in general? My parents are all over the place”.

Yoongi just lift his shoulders. He didn’t know.

“That’s a first… I never had to explain to anyone who I was! My parents are politicians you know… but I guess you must be someone important as well to be admitted in this hospital”, Seokjin joked again.

“Oh… no I didn’t know. I guess you and your sister are good at being actors then” Yoongi laughed. “My parents… well… they are top managers in a company, so I guess they have too much money to spend.”

“You’re so modest! What’s wrong with you?” Seokjin laughed again.

“I didn’t grow up with my parents. They were always abroad, so I grew up at my grandparent’s house in Daegu. They raised me like a normal person I guess…”.

Seokjin laughed even more. “Wow! This is so refreshing! A rich kid that doesn’t want to be rich… the world is full of surprises.”

“Why do you think it’s so funny?” Yoongi wondered.

“I don’t even know… I just needed something to laugh about”.

“You’re saying you’re laughing about me?”

Seokjin shock his head. “No, actually I admire you! It seems like you have your heart in the right place…”

What was that supposed to mean? It was true, Yoongi didn’t really know what it was like to live the life of a rich kid, but he also didn’t want to find out. He didn’t want to have a life in the public, he just wanted to do whatever he wanted. On the other hand, it was different to be the son of top managers or to be the son of a famous politician couple. “No offense, but your life sound horrible” Yoongi joked.

“You get used to it”, Seokjin replied. “I never really cared about the press but for Jisoo it was always a lot of pressure. She always tries to control herself, sometimes I wonder if she even knows who she really is…”

“It must be hard for you to see her like that”, Yoongi noticed.

Seokjin’s face became sad all of a sudden. “I just hope she will be fine after I’m gone. She’s already under so much pressure, that’s why I hope she won’t do anything that will harm herself in the future”.

“Do you think she can’t handle it?”

“Honestly… I don’t know. If she would die tomorrow, I couldn’t control myself any longer. She’s the only reason why I still live, and lately I have the feeling she only lives to make me happy. It’s like deep down she knows that I need her. At the same time I know she’s not happy. I don’t know how she will react when I’m gone.”

Yoongi though about his answer for a long time. “I think she will be devastated, but one day she will find her will to keep going again. I’m sure! Just think of it… she will finish school, go to a great University, fall in love and get married to a really nice guy. She will grow old and have a lot of children and eventually leave this planet in peace.”

Seokjin was surprised by Yoongi’s answer. “You sound quite poetic… the thing is… I have the feeling that she tried to harm herself before. She didn’t tell me, but somehow I know. I know it sounds weird…”

“Just let her know you will never forgive her if she does anything stupid. If she loves you as much as you love her, then she won’t even dare… it’s simple psychology” Yoongi joked.

“You might be right…” Seokjin said. Both of them got lost in their own thoughts for a while. Yoongi never had to think of troubles like this. The more he got to know Seokjin, the more he felt bad for him. He was in love but at the same time he tried to protect this girl for whatever price was necessary. Not to mention that girl seemed to have issues on her own. It must be so hard to know that a loved one would be dying soon and you can’t do anything about it. Yoongi wondered how he would feel. He also wondered how his friends felt after finding out what he tried to do. He remembered all of them crying in his hospital room when he woke up. Just thinking about their sadness and now looking at Seokjin he felt so pathetic. It was so selfish of him to die, when some people didn’t even have a choice.

“You will be out of the hospital soon right?” Seokjin then broke the silence. Yoongi just nodded.

“Can you give me your phone number?” he asked Yoongi.

“Sure! But don’t think I’m not coming to see you again!”

“Once I’m gone, can you do me a favor?” Seokjin asked him in a serious tone.

“What is it?”

“Can you protect her?”

Yoongi wasn’t sure if he understood. “Who? From what?”

“Jisoo of course… from herself”, Seokjin explained.

“Are you sure I’m the right person for that? I don’t even know her”

“You’re the only one I can accept for this. I couldn’t stand another guy staying by her side if it’s not you. I mean you don’t have to be her boyfriend or anything… god no! I just mean as a friend.”

“So you want me to be her friend?” Yoongi asked perplexed.

“If you can yes… she doesn’t have that many friends you know, so I think it would be great if someone supported her.”

Yoongi still wasn’t quite sure what to think. “Why are you asking me?”

“Honestly? I don’t have that many friends I can trust either, but you seem like a good person and I think you could open her eyes to a new world, if that makes sense. You’re just so different and I think she need someone like that.”

It did make sense. Yoongi had nothing to do with all of that rich kid business. But how could he become friends with a person he didn’t even know yet? What was Seokjin expecting? Did he want him to come to the funeral and then introduce himself to Jisoo? This was just wrong. At the same time, he didn’t want to crush Seokjin’s hopes. Yoongi felt as if he couldn’t do anything about it but agreed anyways.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect her for you” Yoongi finally answered.

Seokjin’s face was so relieved. It seemed like the burden he had carried with him was finally gone. It was a burden Yoongi now took onto his shoulders. A burden that would only drag him down into a hole full of guilt and despair. He never planned to fall in love with Jisoo, he only wanted to be some sort of a guardian for her. He wanted to help her out from the shadows, but then she appeared just right in front of him like destiny. Yoongi still remembered Seokjin’s face in that moment. A tear fell down his cheeks. “Thank you, Min Yoongi” Seokjin said.