Chapter 15 - going back to reality

Jisoo did not understand what she was reading. She stood there in shock not knowing what to do. What did he mean? Would he not meet her again? Was that the reason for him to not answer her calls or messages? Was she the reason or was it something in his life, that Jisoo just didn’t know? After reading the letter again and again she lost all her strength. She sank down on the floor. The last time she received a hand-written letter was after her brother’s death. It was a goodbye letter, and apparently, so was Yoongi’s letter. Jisoo didn’t want to accept it and called Yoongi’s phone number. She tried several times without him picking up. Eventually she couldn’t even get through. It seemed like Yoongi turned off his phone. Jisoo just sat there crying her heart out.

Her only friend and the only person she cared about after her brother’s death left her as well… How could she survive the last month in here without him? How could she become strong if there was no one she could rely on? How could she keep on living? She had too many thoughts in her head. She stood up from the cold floor and walked over to the fence that prevented her from falling down the building. It wasn’t too high though. She leaned over to check how high this building was anyways. Even if she would fall now, she would only break all of her bones.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Seokjin’s voice ranted behind her. Jisoo turned around to see her brother’s face. He was angry, she could see it. She could tell just by looking at him for a second. He seemed disappointed.

“I… don’t know…” Jisoo replied, while more tears came out of her eyes. She wanted to run over to her brother and hug him, she wanted someone to hold her and to console her.

“Were you trying to jump? You promised you won’t!” Seokjin asked again, still with an angry voice.

“I didn’t promise you anything! But I didn’t try to jump… I swear!” Jisoo said, while getting angry as well. “Why are you here anyways? You left me here all alone! So why would you show up only now? All this time I needed you but you left…”, Jisoo couldn’t continue. She was too choked up. Suddenly Seokjin’s expression changed.

“Sorry…” he said. They didn’t say anything. Jisoo turned around to look at the sparkling city, that was so far away right now. She tried to stop crying but the tears just came out endlessly. After a while Seokjin was standing next to her looking at the city as well. Jisoo felt like she could actually feel him next to her. Maybe his presence really was real.

“What are you planning to do now?” he asked his sister.

“About what?” Jisoo asked.

“Everything… You only have a month left in here. What are you going to decide for yourself?”.

“I will finish my sessions here and keep studying. Then I’ll go back to school and get into the best Medical University we have in this country. I don’t want people to leave anymore…”

“Sounds like a good plan, but what about him?”, Seokjin continued.

“I’m not going to see him again…”, she said with an angry voice. She sounded like an angry little girl that was pouting.

“Why? You were happy”.

“Apparently he wasn’t…” Jisoo said while whipping away her tears. Now she wasn’t sad anymore, but rather angry. “I hate him! How could he do this to me?”.

“He probably has his reasons to do what he did… I mean sometimes it’s better to lie to someone in order to protect that person”.

“So you’re saying he’s protecting me? For me it sounds more like he just lost his interest in me…” Jisoo whined.

Seokjin laughed a little bit.

“What’s so funny? Are you enjoying seeing your sister’s second heartbreak?”

“You really are still a child… But why the second? Who did I miss?”, he wanted to know.

“You! You idiot!”, Jisoo told him while whipping away the last tears from her face. Seokjin didn’t reply at all but kept looking at the city. They kept standing there for a while just enjoying the night view. “What did you mean by I’m still a child anyways? I’m almost an adult by now”, Jisoo urged him.

“Well… How should I put this? You’re whining and nagging about Yoongi, even though he only did what’s best for you. Did you even consider his feelings? Did you ever think about how much he must be suffering by letting you go? I just think it’s a little childish of you to react like this”, Seokjin explained. He was right. Jisoo only thought about her own heartbreak. She didn’t think about the pain Yoongi was going through because of her. She didn’t know if she was the reason for his pain or if it was something else that was somehow connected to them, but she only cared about herself… again. Why was it so hard for her to be considerate and to think of others? Was it because she felt left alone? Or would she forever be such a selfish person?

“Then what should I do?” she asked her brother. She needed his guidance and she didn’t want him to leave.

“You should stay strong and search for him. If you don’t face him in reality you will regret it forever. You should tell him how you feel, before it’s too late and I think you should give him a chance to explain it to you truthfully.” It made sense. If Yoongi wasn’t planning to face her and stay away like a coward, she just had to go to him and confront him. However, Jisoo wasn’t ready. She wanted to finish this month in here on her own, with her own strength. She wanted to become healthy and a better person. After that she would find him and ask him for an explanation. It would give both of them time to figure out what was important for them. Maybe Jisoo’s sadness would go away in a few days. Maybe she really just used Yoongi as an excuse to finally feel something. Maybe what she felt for him wasn’t even real.

“I think you should go back in, it’s getting cold. I don’t want you to catch a cold”, Seokjin said.

“Will I see you again if I leave now?” Jisoo wanted to know. She wanted him to stay with her, but she knew it wasn’t possible.

“Of course!” Seokjin said with a bright smile. Jisoo smiled at him and left him behind. She had to let go of her brother. She couldn’t force him to stay with her all the time, otherwise she would never move on… She went back to her room and got ready for bed. It was already 3AM. It would be a very short night.

The next day Jisoo tried to follower her normal everyday routine. Of course Yoongi’s letter was still in her thoughts, but she tried not to think of it. In class it worked out fine, but during her session with Mr. Lee she couldn’t pretend anymore. He could read her like an open book, therefore he knew something was off.

“What’s going on Jisoo? You seem a bit confused today.”

“It’s just… I’m scared that all my efforts so far are for nothing.”

“How so?”

“I think if I let people become too close to me I’ll either hurt them or I am the one who gets hurt. I thought I could become a better person if I start to be considerate of others, I thought everything would be fine if someone loved me… I thought… I could change”, Jisoo said. She felt so exhausted. She had no more energy to even explain. Or course Mr. Lee knew what was going on anyways.

“This is about Min Yoongi isn’t it?”. Jisoo just nodded. “Well the thing with Yoongi is… how should I say this? He’s complicated, more than you think. I’m not sure what’s going on between you two, but he always puts himself last. If he did something that hurt you, then I don’t think it was his intention. I’m not allowed to talk about the details, but some things in his life happened that changed him and someone else’s life. He blames himself, even though it’s not his fault. He probably doesn’t want to burden you with the mess that’s inside of his head.”

“You’re saying he doesn’t want to see me again because it’s better for me?”, Jisoo asked.

“He probably thinks you’re better off without him. He was always like that. The first time I met him, he thought he was not worthy of being important. You know… you two are not that different, and that’s why I thought you could work out your issues together, but unfortunately it seems like Min Yoongi still needs time on his own.”

Jisoo wasn’t quite sure if she understood what the doctor was saying… Yoongi changed someone’s life? If he felt guilty, it meant he didn’t change that person’s life in a positive way. Then on the other hand it meant, that Yoongi did care for Jisoo… She just wanted to know what was going on inside of him, she wanted him to share it with her, she just wanted to be by his side. “What should I do now?”, she asked him.

“That’s something I can’t tell you… what did you feel after your argument?” Mr. Lee asked.

“That’s the thing… we didn’t have a fight or an argument or anything… He just left a letter behind saying he doesn’t want to see me again.”

Mr. Lee raised his eyebrows. He seemed a little shocked. “He didn’t even talk to you in person?”. Jisoo just nodded and looked at her hands. “I know this is none of my business… but may I ask how far your relationship went before he wrote you this letter? Did something happen that any of you could regret? Or did anything happen that made you two uncomfortable?”

“Why are you asking this?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“It’s just… even though Yoongi is a bit particular, just leaving a letter and not talking to you in person seems a bit… odd. The Yoongi I know would just try to argument with you, he would try to make up some lie, however, he’s running away right now.”

“So do you think he’s running away from me or from himself?”

“I don’t know…”

“I mean we weren’t a normal couple so to speak. We never really confessed feelings for each other, but I mean… we did sleep next to each other more than once. I liked to feel his warmth and to hold his hand, while telling him everything I wanted”, Jisoo told Mr. Lee.

“What happened before he left? Were you two fighting?”

“No! I already told you, we were never fighting. We just… I mean… we… kissed”. Just thinking about it made Jisoo blush. Then she noticed a change in Mr. Lee’s face. He usually was pretty neutral. Jisoo couldn’t read any emotions in his face, but today it looked like Mr. Lee was worried. Jisoo knew that Mr. Lee had a long talk with Yoongi. She didn’t know the whole conversation, but she knew they were talking about her. She knew that being with her made Yoongi somewhat uncomfortable, but at the same time they couldn’t stay away from each other. Even though Jisoo knew, that she made Yoongi suffer, she couldn’t let go of him, and it seemed like for him it was the same. If he didn’t like her, why did he sleep next to her, while embracing her? Why would he kiss her? Why would he run away from her?

“Maybe it’s best if you two stay away from each other until both of you sorted out your thoughts….” Mr. Lee then said.

“I think so too… Seokjin said I should try to talk to him when I’m ready for it”, Jisoo confessed to Mr. Lee.

“So you did see you brother again…”, he noted. “Maybe it’s best to concentrate on our last four weeks here, this will give you time to think about what you truly feel about Yoongi and he will have time to calm down his thoughts as well”. Jisoo agreed. She first wanted to clear her head before she would be able to confront Yoongi. She had to get her life back in order, she had to keep going without letting go of him. She would wait for him until he was ready.

That was how she spent her last weeks in the institution. She studied hard, she exercised in her free time and made huge steps with Mr. Lee. She felt quite good lately. She was sure she would come out as a new person. A person that was worth to be loved and a person that was able to love others. With Mr. Lee she arranged more sessions for the time school started. He had told her that he had his own clinic that she could go to in the mornings. Jisoo agreed to meet him then, as she felt like she had to continue her sessions with him in order to not freak out in the “real world”. They kept talking about how Jisoo will feel like going back to school, how it would feel like to go back to her house and to try to live another life. She was a little scared but wanted to accept the challenge. Then the time to leave arrived. Jisoo wasn’t sure if she was ready, but she had to face reality sooner or later. She had only left this building once with Yoongi, but after that she never dared to go out alone. Today was the day that she moved out. It was Friday, and on Monday her last year of school would start. She started packing her things. As she opened her closet she had to think of Yoongi… again. His sweater was still there. She never had a chance to give it back to him. She did think about him every day, even just going through her notebook she noticed so many pictures of him. She only remembered drawing half of them, but she liked every single one of them. It made her miss him even more. After all this time here she didn’t even call him once, but he also didn’t contact her either. However, she was finally ready to face him. She couldn’t live without him and she also knew that she needed him. Sometimes Jisoo wondered if he had it worse than her. He blamed himself for something she didn’t know about, but he still felt like he had to carry that burden alone. Jisoo wanted to be there for him as well, she wanted to support him and just stay by his side. She wanted to help him carry that burden. After all that time thinking about Yoongi’s motives, she realized that she loved him, and more importantly, that he loved her as well, otherwise he wouldn’t have written these words in the letter.

Jisoo was done packing. She still had some time before someone would come pick her up. She went to look for Ms. Choi to say goodbye and to thank her for all the hard work. After she found her she also wanted to say goodbye to the other people she liked in here. She also stopped by in Mr. Bang’s room to politely say goodbye. The only person she would really miss genuinely in here was probably Mrs. Park though. She was like a mother replacement for her in here. And she made the best food.

“I know I should be happy for you to leave this place Jisoo, but I think I’ll miss you!” Mrs. Park told her. Jisoo would miss her as well, but she gave Mrs. Park her phone number so they could stay in contact. After saying goodbye to everyone, Jisoo used her last minutes to go back to the rooftop. She hoped to see her brother there, but he didn’t show up this last month. She desperately hoped that she would be able to see him again. She didn’t know what she should do if she couldn’t have that chance again. She breathed in the air again and enjoyed the view one last time. This rooftop was where she spent her most important moments. It was here where she shared good and bad memories with Yoongi. It was their little secret hideout, that she now had to leave behind. This time however, she felt ready. She knew she could do it. She would go back to school as a changed person. She would show everyone that she wasn’t crazy.

Jisoo’s personal driver, Kim Wonhae, came to pick her up. Jisoo always had a good relationship with him, as he was good at keeping secrets and he always knew when to talk or when to be quiet. Jisoo was happy to see him. “I’m glad to see you!”, she said as he entered the institution. Jisoo had been waiting at the front door with all her things already. She wasn’t good at saying goodbye, so she wanted to get out here as soon as possible.

“You look great Jisoo!” Kim Wonhae said. Jisoo did feel great. She finally did it. She completed her treatment in here and she actually felt like she changed. She knew that she made a progress. Even though she didn’t want to come here in the first place she was glad now. Everyone thought she was here to deal with Seokjin’s death, but the truth was that she tried to find herself in here. Mrs. Park and Mrs. Bang said goodbye to Jisoo again, as she was leaving through the door. Just breathing in the air outside of this building felt so great. Jisoo felt so free and strong, she wanted to challenge the whole world in that moment.

Kim Wonhae drove her home and chatted with her at the same time. It felt like back in her childhood. He always knew how to lift her mood. “You seem different Jisoo”, he then said. Jisoo was glad to hear this. He didn’t tell her if she was better or worse than before, but at least he could notice a change. “Oh Jisoo… the thing is… your parents won’t be home until Sunday. They are on a convention”.

“Oh…”, Jisoo said. She was disappointed. She didn’t want to show it though. What did she expect? Just because she changed didn’t mean anything else changed. She never cared if her parents weren’t there, because she could spend her time with Seokjin. However, it would be different this time. She was going back to reality, even if it meant she had to overcome her old life. She couldn’t let herself be dragged down by things like this. She wanted to go back to school and do well and she wanted to find her way back to Yoongi.

They arrived at her house. It was so big, but so empty at the same time. There was no life in this house, only sadness. Jisoo couldn’t stand it. She went to her room, opened her laptop and turned up the music. She didn’t like the silence in this house. She needed some noise at least to numb the feelings of emptiness. She cleaned up her things from her luggage. She also hung Yoongi’s sweater in her closet. She wouldn’t let go of him, never. She went to the bathroom to clean up the rest of her things. Then she saw an entire box full of make up. She was somewhat surprised. She couldn’t even remember the last time she was wearing make up. It was probably the day of Seokjin’s death. After that she didn’t even have the energy to put on lip gloss. She looked in the mirror.

“Who are you?” she asked herself. What she saw was truly someone else. It was someone she had yet to meet. It was her real self that she didn’t know until just a few weeks ago. She was glad to see herself like that. She was curious about herself, she wanted to know what she could do and how far she could go. Walking back to her room she passed by Seokjin’s room. She stopped and put her hand on the door. She wanted him to be in his room, she just wanted all of this to be a dream. No, she didn’t want it to be a dream, because it would mean that she had never met Yoongi. She knew this was real, and she knew Seokjin was dead. Jisoo still tried to open the door, just to feel Seokjin’s presence. However, the door was locked. Her mother probably locked it, so no one could enter.

She went back to her room. Nothing in here changed much and Jisoo hated it. She was eager to change her entire room. She called for Kim Wonhae to help her rearrange her furniture.              

“Why do you want to change everything?” he asked Jisoo.

“I guess I just want to see the things from a different angle”, Jisoo said while smiling. Jisoo felt accomplished after they turned around the entire room. “See! It looks way better now, don’t you think so?”, she asked Kim Wonhae.

“You’re right! It looks brighter now, there is more light that comes in through the window this way!”, he complimented her.

Then Jisoo decided to go for a run. She wanted to do so many things today. She wanted to run and run and run until she had no more energy. She felt so free! She probably ran for over two hours until she almost couldn’t breathe anymore. She knew she would feel the pain again tomorrow all over her body, but that was ok. She couldn’t just waste all her efforts. Coming back home she first took a shower and then sat down in front of her laptop. She noticed a pile of letters on her desk and opened all of them. Most of them were from school, telling her the results of her exams that she had taken with Mrs. Choi. She passed all of them with 100%. Jisoo was proud of herself. Even if everybody thought she was crazy, at least she was a super smart crazy person. The other letters just tole her what books she needed to the coming year and her schedule. She saw that she started school late on Thursdays and decided to ask Mr. Lee if he had time for their weekly sessions in that time period.

Jisoo couldn’t wait to live again. She wanted to go back to school! She wanted to make friends, but this time real ones. But most of all she wanted to see Yoongi. She wanted to hold his hand, she wanted to kiss him, she just wanted all of him. However, she had to find him first. She her phone. The past month she didn’t even turn it on a lot. Ever since she tried to reach Yoongi without success, she turned it off most of the times. Now she was scared to call him again, if he would not pick up. That’s why she decided to just keep it turned off for most of the time.

She was nervous. She wasn’t ready but if she wouldn’t call him now, she wouldn’t dare to try again soon. She dialed the number and waited for a response. Then she heard a computer voice: “The number you’re trying to reach is out of service”. This was a joke right? What did that computer lady mean by “out of service”? Jisoo’s heart beat so fast, she felt like it would fall apart. Did Yoongi change his phone number? Did he really want to keep her out of his life? Jisoo couldn’t accept it. She tried again but it was the same computer voice. He seemed to really have a new number, but how could she find out his new phone number? She didn’t even know where he lived. Come to think of it she didn’t really know anything about him. She didn’t know much about his childhood, or his school years in Daegu. She didn’t know where he lived now or what he was planning to do in the future. In reality, Yoongi was a stranger to her that she fell in love with regardless. Then on the other hand she knew that Yoongi liked her as well, even though he didn’t know much about her either. He didn’t know who her parents were, he didn’t know anything about her childhood and he didn’t know about Seokjin’s suicide.

Jisoo wanted to meet him as soon as possible. She tried to remember where they were practicing, but she couldn’t remember the neighborhood. She checked the map on the internet, but none of the bus stations sounded familiar. She didn’t know where it was. She also didn’t have a phone number of one of his friends, so basically there was no way in contacting him. Jisoo decided to go into the city the next day. She had met him there for the very first time, as they were performing in the streets. The chances of them being there again might be quite high. She just had to give it a try. She had to see him. “I’ll see you soon, Min Yoongi”, she told herself.