Chapter 7 - I don't have a dream

The next morning Jisoo woke up still sitting on the couch. Yoongi was still there as well. She noticed that she had wrapped her arms around his. What time was it? Has she been sleeping like this? This was so embarrassing. Her heart started racing like crazy. She wanted to free his arm and slowly took away her left arm first, which was on top of his. The other arm would’ve been trickier. She didn’t want to wake him up. She slowly moved her right arm towards her but then Yoongi took her hand in his.

“Let me sleep a little longer” he said and put his head on hers. Jisoo felt the blood rushing in her face. What time was it? She didn’t want to stay there. How could he sleep like this anyways? This was crazy! She didn’t know what to do. If she would take out her arm it would be ok, but she couldn’t just stand up now with his head on hers. He would fall down on the couch and immediately wake up, which would be even more embarrassing. She decided to wait for him to wake up, she couldn’t escape right now and to be honest this wasn’t the worst position to be in.

He smelled really nice and his shoulder was comfortable as well. Her hand looked so tiny in his. It felt like this hand could protect her from all evil. Even though she was in an unfamiliar place, this person she just met gave her the feeling of safety. It felt so nice that Jisoo actually did fall back asleep. When she woke up she was lying on a pillow on the couch and had a blanket on her. Yoongi was gone. She checked on the small table. The ice cream bucket and the spoons were gone as well. Maybe this was a dream and she was simply seeing things again she wasn’t supposed to see. Then on the other hand… who put a blanket on her? The light from the outside indicated that it was early in the morning. Jisoo got up, folded the blanked and put it neatly on the couch. On the way to her room she passed the kitchen. Mrs. Park was already there backing bread for breakfast. Jisoo stopped by.

“Good morning Mrs. Park, may I ask what time it is?”

“Ah, Ms. Kim! Good that you’re awake. Yoongi told me to wake you up if you’re not up by 6AM. You woke up yourself, which means you didn’t sleep so well did you?” Mrs. Park said to her. This meant it wasn’t a dream. Min Yoongi had been there for real.

“It’s 5.30AM so you have enough time until your classes start. You should get some rest in your room” Mrs. Park suggested. Jisoo nodded and went back to her room. She looked in the mirror in her bathroom, she looked awful again. Her hair was all over the place, but at least she was wearing normal clothes this time. She wanted to take a shower. First, she went to her closed to take out some fresh clothes. She saw Yoongi’s sweater hanging there and felt her face burning again. How could she be so embarrassed again? She ran into the bathroom. She took a really cold shower to get her head straight. The cold water woke her up entirely. It was nice and refreshing. She was still feeling hot though, so she put on a white T-Shirt and a pair of blue jeans. She threw herself on her bed. Her heart was still racing. She took her phone and saw two new messages. The first one was from yesterday evening.

               10:52 PM ~ How was your day?

The second one was from this morning

               5:14 AM ~ I’m going to school, see you later

Jisoo was sure this was Yoongi’s phone number. He asked her the day before if she had checked her messages and the times also matched. She was too embarrassed to reply anything though. Jisoo guessed he was around her age and it was Monday after all and summer break didn’t start yet. It was normal that he had to go to school. Jisoo was still somewhat disappointed. She opened her school books to prepare some things for class later. When it was time for breakfast she went into the dining room to eat.

The rest of the day was no different. In class she learned what was necessary for the next test questions and filled out the paper afterwards. On the test paper she filled out the day before she had 100%, which made Ms. Choi more than happy. After lunch she went to see Mr. Lee, but both of them mutually agreed to not have this conversation again. Jisoo decided to go back to her room to study. She needed to get her mind off of a certain someone. She had to think of him all day. She didn’t know if she was embarrassed because she liked it or because she thought that he actually liked it. She put her alarm on her phone to not miss the group session again. When the time arrived, she went upstairs to join the group. For Jisoo it was as useless as it had been the day before. She was glad the day was over. As she went back to her room she continued studying. She did get bored after a while though. Eventually she took out her notebook to continue to draw pictures to decorate her room. She drew quite a while until she decided that some of the pictures were good enough. As she didn’t want to rip them out of her precious notebook she decided to redraw them on a bigger piece of paper. She drew scenes from her memories as a kid. Places she’s been to or she still wanted to go to. She was totally in her own little world, when her phone woke her up from it. She went over to her nightstand, where her phone had been. She received a message:

               8:21PM ~ don’t forget to eat

It was from Yoongi. “OK” she replied. In return she got a smiling emoticon. Jisoo’s heart raced again. This guy was annoying as well… he confused her too much. Didn’t he text her saying they would see each other later? Or was the translation “till I see you again one day”? On the other hand, he was right, Jisoo should eat something. She went out of her room, lucky for her there was still food on the buffet. It seemed like everyone would usually eat dinner earlier here. Jisoo was always someone to eat quite late. During exam periods she often ate at 11pm or even later, but here she had to eat while there was still food. She didn’t really have an appetite, therefore she decided on some vegetables and a pudding for dessert.

After she came back to her room she got ready for bed. She took her phone and checked if she had gotten any more messages but there was nothing. She decided to text him.

               ~ How was your day?

After that Jisoo decided to continue watching a drama she occasionally watched on TV in Seokjin’s room. It was quite boring but at least it could help her to get tired.

               11:46PM ~ Typical Monday. I’m sleeping at my friend’s house, don’t wait up for me.

Jisoo saw the message and became angry. “Who does he think he is? Why would I wait for him?” she said out loud. She her alarm for the next day and put her phone aside. Then she put her blanket over her head. While trying to fall asleep she kept cursing on Yoongi but also on herself. Why did she keep having expectations? She didn’t want anyone to have expectations of her anymore either, so why did she still have them of other people? She decided to stop being like this. She knew that having expectations would not help her get out of here. She wanted to concentrate on her studies, maybe she should work hard and then apply for a university outside of Korea, then she wouldn’t have to deal with any of her current life. In a foreign country no one would know who she was and she could finally just live in peace. As she couldn’t fall asleep she started to look at university rankings and decided to aim for the best one. Money wasn’t a problem for her and her parents would probably not refuse if she wanted to go to a prestigious University.

The next few days were pretty much the same. She went to class and got 100% but then didn’t even bother to tell Mr. Lee that she had nothing to talk about. She used all her time to study for the University entrance exams. As soon as she could go back to a normal school again she didn’t want to be behind the others in her class. From time to time she checked her phone but there were no messages. Not even her parents texted her. For Jisoo it appeared like the world forgot she even existed. Then on Thursday evening she finally heard his voice again.

“Don’t you think you’re overdoing it?” Seokjin asked. Jisoo turned around from her desk in her room and saw her brother sitting on her bed.

“You’re here again” she smiled.

“I thought I told you to live your life and enjoy every second… but as always my beloved sister doesn’t listen to me…”

“I’m kind of in prison, so I can’t really do what I want in here” she mentioned in a sassy tone.

“Didn’t you meet any new friends in here?” he wanted to know.

“Well there’s a cute little kid, but other than that not really. One of my classmates hates me and another guy I met is just driving me crazy…” just thinking about Yoongi made her angry again.

Seokjin smiled as if he knew everything but still said “Tell me about him”.

“About who?” Jisoo asked perplexed.

“The guy that makes you angry… you usually don’t get angry or annoyed. It’s something you never show”.

Seokjin was right, she wasn’t the type to get angry at people, she wasn’t even someone who would get annoyed. Usually she would just deal with the situation and find another solution, but lately she just didn’t want to do it anymore. The endless search for a way to please everyone… she was sick of it. Jisoo told her brother everything about this mysterious Min Yoongi.

“To me this sounds as if you like him, but you’re too afraid to admit it” Seokjin smirked.

“Whatever…” Jisoo said and turned back to her desk facing her study book with embarrassment. After a few moments she concluded: “I think I’m rather afraid to lose him too…”. She wanted to look back at her brother but… he was gone again.

The next day was just the same. Jisoo felt trapped. She wanted to get out of this house. She couldn’t stand to stay there every day. Opening her room window wasn’t enough. She felt like running, she wanted to let all of her anger out, but she still didn’t get permission to get out. As far as she knew she could leave the institute once a week but so far, she wasn’t allowed too. Was it due to her refusal of speaking with Dr. Lee? It was Friday evening already. She had been here for almost a week now but she still didn’t feel like anything would change. Jisoo decided to break out. She knew it was a dumb idea but whatever…

She couldn’t go out from the front door but maybe she could climb down a window? Her window was no option, as that side of the building was too steep for her to jump down. She would just break all of her bones. The windows in the living room and the dining room didn’t fully open, you could only tilt them. The kitchen didn’t even have a window… Jisoo was stuck. They had to have some sort of rescue staircase though. Jisoo waited until it was 10PM to make sure no one would bother her on her search. As the time arrived she started to look for another way to get out. She wasn’t even surprised that no one was around at 10PM. Weirdly everyone kept the rules in here. Weren’t rules meant to be broken? Especially in a house full of freaks…

Jisoo checked the second floor but she couldn’t find a way out. The therapy rooms were closet at night and the windows in the hallway couldn’t be opened as well. She decided to try the third floor even though she knew, she wouldn’t be successful. As expected there was no way out. Just to make sure she checked every single door. They were all locked. She arrived at the very last door. It didn’t have a sign with any name on it. Maybe it was an empty room that no one used. Jisoo put down the doorknob and the door opened! What she found wasn’t a room with a window though. The door led her to another staircase… was there a fourth floor in this building? No one ever mentioned something like this. Jisoo was a little scared, as she had been wandering around the house in the darkness. What would she find if she went upstairs? She was thinking of Horror movies… maybe there was a room full of dead bodies or the biggest psycho ever was locked up there. Jisoo closed the door again and turned around to go back down. Halfway through the hallway she turned around again and decided to go up. She wanted to know what was there. She felt an adrenaline rush and was excited but scared at the same time. She walked up the stairs really slowly just to make sure no one would notice her going up. At the last step she found another door. She put her hand on the doorknob. Her heart was beating so fast and loud that she could physically hear it. Jisoo took all her courage and but the knob down. While opening the door she closed her eyes. She was too scared to look. After a few seconds she didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary. She only felt a fresh wind. Wind? Jisoo opened her eyes, what she saw was beautiful. She could see the nightlights of Seoul! This was the rooftop! Somehow Jisoo didn’t expect this house to have one…

Jisoo walked further. It was really spacious and there were a few plants along the fence. It seemed like someone even built some sort of shelter which could be used if it was either too sunny or if it was raining. There were even a few pillows and some blankets… this place was amazing! Jisoo felt like she just found a treasure no one ever told her about. It was nice to feel the fresh air. Even though she didn’t leave the building she still felt as if she was outside. It was such a relief. She took one of the pillows and arranged it so she could sit comfortably and look at the night skyline of her beautiful hometown. The institute was really just outside of the city border, one could see the entire city!

Jisoo didn’t know how long she had been sitting there. Just looking at the beautiful view she wondered why she was left all alone. Her brother was gone, her parents didn’t even call so far, and her friends left her even long before all this mess. Maybe her being there was the punishment for her selfishness. It was true, she never really cared for anyone but her brother. Looking back at them Jisoo realized that both of them were just the same. Both selfish and hopeless at the same time. How could life be worth living for if they only lived for themselves? Maybe that’s why their relationship was so deep, they both understood each other’s needs. They both searched for something special that could make their lives more meaningful. They both had to pretend to be perfect and always had to act polite and respectful. No one ever asked them what they wanted. Their entire lives were planned beforehand. Maybe they only lived for themselves, but while being together no one would notice how narcissist they really were. Even now, Jisoo only thought of how broken she was, how much grief she had and how she could get out of here. She never even wasted a thought on the other patients. To be honest she didn’t even know any of them. Looking at her parents she wondered if they were like this as well or if they just never taught her how to be considerate of others. Maybe she was just a mere bad human being.

"Do you need a tissue?”

The voice startled Jisoo so much that she had to scream.

“Yah! Why would you scare me like this?!” she asked.

It was Min Yoongi. He just stood there with a backpack over his right shoulder, looking down on her.

“Sorry, but you kind of trespassed into my secret hideout and you’re crying, so I figured I should at least say something.”

“How long have you been standing there?” she wanted to know

“Maybe a few minutes, I don’t really know. Why are you crying though? Isn’t the view super awesome?” he asked her.

 Jisoo turned her face away from him to look at the skyline again: “Mind your own business…”

“Ouch…” Yoongi replied. He walked over to the shelter-like construction, put his bag down and took a pillow, which he placed next to Jisoo. “Do you prefer to sit in the dark? There are some lights here you know…”

 Jisoo looked around but couldn’t find a light. Min Yoongi knew it better of course. He pushed a button in the corner of the construction and a garland of lights which was placed all around the construction and the fence next to it started to shine with a nice and warm yellow light. It made this place even more beautiful. It looked a little like in a fairytale. Yoongi had a satisfied smile on his lips and sat down on the pillow next to Jisoo. For a while no one was saying a single word. Then Yoongi looked at her. Jisoo tried to ignore his gaze.

“Time heals wounds, but the scars will remain, you just need to find a way to accept to live with these scars”, he told her.

“Why are you telling me this?” she asked.

“I’m trying to help you”.

“I never asked for your help! I never asked for any of this to happen!” she yelled.

Yoongi was still just looking at her. “Why are you trying to block me out?” he countered.

“Don’t you get it? I don’t want to get close to you!”

“Why? Do you hate me?” he said with no change in his voice.

“No” Jisoo replied. Then she looked at him. Tears started to fall down her cheeks again. “Because I like you…” Jisoo looked back at the city. “I keep losing everything I love…”

Yoongi moved closer to her, took her head and placed it on his shoulder. “Don’t hold in your tears, you should let it all out…”

Jisoo cried like a little kid for about ten minutes until her body had no water left inside.

"Do you feel better now?” he asked her, but she didn’t answer. Jisoo didn’t dare to look at him right now.

“Aaaaahhhh” Yoongi sighed, “it’s such a beautiful and clear night. You should look at the stars! You can use me as a pillow if it will make you feel better” he laughed.

Jisoo finally glared at him: “Are you trying to make fun of me?”

He was shaking his head in denial. “Be my pillow then!” Jisoo said and put her head down on his knees. He was right, it was a clear night. The stars in the skies were beautiful.

Without realizing Yoongi started to play with Jisoo’s hair and caressed her head.

“Did you ever lose something important in your life?” Jisoo asked him

“I’m not sure…I think I just never really considered anything important enough in order to lose it”.

„What about your dream?“ Jisoo asked him while looking at the stars.

Yoongi didn’t have to think about it. „I don’t have a dream…“ he said.

„What? Weren’t you the one who told me I have to look for a dream if I don’t have one?“ Jisoo remembered.

„I thought you could be better than me. To have a dream is sometimes scary… to just live like this, to survive like this is like a small dream to me“, Yoongi explained.

Jisoo looked at him. She couldn’t grasp what was going on in his head.

„What I mean is… It’s alright to not have a dream, if you have moments where you feel happiness for a while. Does that make sense to you?“ he asked Jisoo.

„I think so“ Jisoo replied. „Was there never something you wanted?“

„Besides playing the piano everything I ever did was a made-up dream my parents forced on me. You know we all live the same life and have to become number one. It’s either number one or failure and one day I just couldn’t stand it anymore.“

Jisoo had to think of her parents, how they just expected them to have good grades, go to university and then get a good job that they would only be able to get, due to her parent’s connections. She never really had a choice but for some reason she never complained about it in the past. It was Seokjin’s illness that made her think about her life and her future. „I know what you mean. Adults trap us in borders, there’s no choice but to consent. How did you learn to play the piano though? Did you want to learn it yourself?” she wanted to know.

“In the corner of my childhood house, my mom had a brown piano. I played it wherever my hands took me and my mom later decided to pay for piano lessons. However, I just didn’t feel like playing anymore after a while”.

The thought of him not playing the piano, because he couldn’t find the joy in it anymore made Jisoo somewhat sad. It was so beautiful when he played it last time, how could someone not enjoy to do it anymore?

„It when you don’t have anything you want to do. I know it’s pathetic to not have something as common as a dream, I know, but that’s how it is“ Yoongi said.

Jisoo didn’t think it was pathetic. It was rather realistic. „All of my classmates only dream about going to a good University because that’s what their parents want. Our parents always said to do as we’re told, that it would all be fine when we go to university. I thought that was true… but then I realized that it wouldn’t change anything. I guess you don’t need something like a dream that everyone dreams, right…? “

Yoongi stopped playing with Jisoo’s hair and placed his hand on her head. „Kim Jisoo… I know you’re not mentally crazy like others in here, but I also think you’re not here for no reason“.

Jisoo didn’t know what to expect but she was still a little surprised when Yoongi said: „Maybe you should let them help you“.

„I don’t need help!“

"That’s not what I was thinking, but I think you need someone to talk to. They can be good listeners you know, and I think it’s nice to tell someone everything you always wanted to say. They are doctors, you can tell them whatever you want. They are not allowed to let anyone know what you talk about anyways, so you might as well give it a try“.

Yoongi was right. If they were real doctors that cared about their patients they wouldn’t be allowed to tell Jisoo’s secrets to anyone, not even her parents. Still she wasn’t sure if she was ready to let someone in and take off her mask. „Whatever. How would you know anyways?“ was all she could reply.

„You were right, I’m not taking vitamins“, was all Yoongi said while smiling. He tried to change the topic quickly. „It’s getting cold. Do you want to go back downstairs? Otherwise I have some blankets over there.“

To be honest, Jisoo didn’t want to move. She enjoyed feeling his warmth and his touch on her head. She also liked his smell. It made her so comfortable. However, she got up. She couldn’t rest on his legs forever. His blood would eventually stop circulating if they wouldn’t move.

"I think I want to stay for a little while. You don’t need to stay though, don’t worry“, Jisoo said. She stood up and walked over to the shelter construction to get herself a blanket.

„In this case get one for me as well.“ Yoongi said behind her. Jisoo couldn’t suppress her excitement. He didn’t leave just yet. Her heart was racing like crazy again. She walked over to him and handed him a blanket. „This is actually the best place to look at the clear sky in Seoul. In the city center you won’t see the stars that clearly because of the lights and the pollution. I would say tonight is your lucky night“, Yoongi told Jisoo and arranged more pillows to make it more comfortable. He laid down and put the blanked over him. Jisoo followed his example. Just lying next to him like this was a small happy moment. Maybe Yoongi was talking about these kinds of moments when he said the moments you feel happiness are good enough…

She turned around to look at him. “I’m sorry”

Yoongi had both of his hands behind his head and was still looking at the stars. “What for?” he asked.

"For asking you weird questions and for crying like a little kid. I didn’t mean to annoy you with all that nonsense…”

Yoongi turned to face her as well. He was leaning on his elbow and let his head rest in his hand. “It wasn’t nonsense. Next time you can just call you know, instead of waiting for me to find you.”

"It’s not like I waited for you! And by the way you didn’t text me anyways, so I didn’t want to be annoying.” Jisoo’s face blushed.

 Yoongi laughed a little at her. “And here I thought we were friends. You could’ve just asked where I was, but I guess you didn’t care”.

  "Where have you been? Last time you told me you live here.”

“I sort of do, but my school is so far away. It’s bothersome to drive there by bus, that’s why I sometimes sleep at my friend’s house.” Yoongi explained.

"Aren’t his parents bothered if you sleep there all the time?” Jisoo asked.

“He lives alone… and he’s a member of our dance crew so we practice together as well. It’s no big deal.”

“Oh, so that’s why. Do you guys practice every day?” she wanted to know. Remembering how awesome their performance was when she saw it that one day in the streets, they must be practicing like crazy. Just thinking about it made her want to dance again. She wanted to dance again. Seokjin always argued with her about it, he couldn’t understand why she would give it up, just to be in the hospital. Her brother knew that it was the only thing she really loved doing, that’s why he was more than against her giving it up for him. However, Jisoo was too stubborn and cancelled her classes without even telling her parents.

“Pretty much. The only day we don’t meet up to practice is Sundays. We all need to have a day of rest too, and we still need to study for school. That’s our agreement.”

Jisoo was impressed how diligent they were. Maybe deep down his dream was to keep dancing through life, or maybe it was hers.

Yoongi took a strain of her hair and put it back behind her ear. Jisoo’s eyes became all wet. She didn’t feel like crying anymore but somehow, he made her feel emotions she never thought she could.

“Can I close my eyes for a while?” Jisoo asked him. He only nodded his head. Then Jisoo closed her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so comfortable. Just breathing in the clear air and hearing the city noise far away from her. It felt a little bit like a dream but this time she knew it was real.