Chapter 13 - I was never disappointed in you 

Jisoo and Yoongi were sitting in the bus that would take them back to the institution. Jisoo rested her head on Yoongi’s shoulder, while holding his hand. She was thankful to have him in her life now. She even felt, like she didn’t have to confess anything, as he already knew how she felt about him. Jisoo could also feel, that he liked her as well. Today all her insecurities were gone. Yoongi introduced her to his friends and did whatever it took to make her feel good.

“What do you think your friends think of me?” Jisoo asked him.

“Mmmhh… They’re probably most curious about how exactly we met”, he answered.

“Do they know?”

“No… but I think they can guess. They know where we’re going. Don’t worry though, they would never tell anyone.”

“I’m not worried” Jisoo assured him. “I’ll have to go back to reality soon anyways.”

“Just think of it this way… Wherever you are right now, you’re just taking a break. Even the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest, that’s why I’m sure everything will only get better from now on”.

“How come you always find the right words?” Jisoo wondered. However, Yoongi didn’t answer. The rest of the bus ride, they were just sitting there, listening to each other’s heartbeat. They arrived just before 10PM. Mrs. Bang was more than happy seeing them enter just on time. Jisoo didn’t want to think about what could have happened if they were late. She just had to endure the rest of the summer until she was free again. Yoongi accompanied her to her room.

“Are you going to stay with me or do you want to be alone tonight?” Jisoo asked.

“I’m just going to take a shower quickly, but I’ll come back afterwards”, Yoongi told her and left the room. Jisoo went into the bathroom as well. The shower felt really nice on her back. It had been way to long for her body to exercise. Tomorrow she would feel the pain in all of her muscles, but it was definitely worth it. After she was done drying her hair, she went straight into her bed. Only by laying down she felt how exhausted her body really was. Not exercising for this long would have negative effects. Jisoo wanted to try to exercise again regularly from now on. As her mind was already a mess, she couldn’t destroy her body as well. Jisoo was already sleepy and had troubles keeping her eyes open, when Yoongi came back in. He turned off the light immediately and came over to Jisoo’s bed. Like always he pulled her closer. Jisoo wanted to sleep next to him forever. She wanted to feel his warmth and his smell every day. The feeling she had just laying there, was the best feeling she could ever remember.

The next morning, she had troubles waking up. Her alarm told her she needed to go to class, but just as expected her muscles ached. She didn’t want to move, as her entire body felt super heavy. To her surprise Yoongi got up straight away. Usually he was a sleepyhead that stayed in bed for a few more minutes. However, he would be leaving to Daegu today. Jisoo didn’t want him to leave but she couldn’t ask him to stay either. Yoongi left to go to his room to get ready, while Jisoo prepared herself for class. After both of them were done, they met up for breakfast. The atmosphere was quite awkward. Both didn’t know what to say. Jisoo felt like saying something but couldn’t find the right words. Just looking at Yoongi’s expression he seemed to feel the same way. After they were done eating, they went back to Jisoo’s room. It was time to say goodbye for now. Jisoo took her schoolbag and faced Yoongi.

“OK then… let’s not make this awkward or anything. Have a safe trip and take care of your grandparents. Don’t forget to call or message me OK?”

“Jisoo… I…” Yoongi started. Jisoo stopped him from talking by hugging him. She wanted to feel his body one more time. She wanted to remember his warmth and his smell until she would get to see him in real life again. Of course, he wasn’t gone for good. She had his phone number and could call him whenever she missed him, but it still wasn’t the same as touching him in real life. Yoongi didn’t respond to her hug, but pushed her away for a little, to look at her.

“Take care of yourself. Don’t let anyone drag you down again. You need to stay focused OK?” Yoongi asked of her. Jisoo memorized his face and nodded.

“Let’s go then”, Jisoo said. She walked towards the door and opened it. In the corner of her eye she noticed Yoongi’s arm who pushed the door back to close it again. Jisoo turned around.

“Why did you clos…” she wanted to ask, but in that very moment Yoongi took her face in both of his hands and kissed her on her lips. Jisoo’s eyes were wide open. She was shocked by the speed. She didn’t even have time to finish her question. Her face felt like it was on fire and her heart was beating like crazy. After a few seconds of irritation Jisoo closed her eyes as well. Her entire body sparkled. She felt like she was on fire. She had no idea how fast her heart could beat without exploding. All of these emotions and feelings overcame her. Yoongi’s soft lips on hers felt… she couldn’t even find the proper words to describe the magic she felt. However, the kiss was over too soon. Yoongi took a step back. He looked a little shocked by his own action as well. His eyes wandered around Jisoo’s face. Then Yoongi got himself together again.

“I think… I should… get going”, he stuttered. Jisoo who was still standing in front of the door nodded like a robot and stepped away from the door. Yoongi opened it and looked at her again.

“Bye…” he said with a smile that looked a little forced. Just like that he left her room, while Jisoo was still in shock. Did this really just happen or was she dreaming? This had been her very first kiss, with the very first person she truly loved. After a few moments Jisoo finally realized it was real and started to smile like an idiot. She put her hands over her face and crouched down. She had to shake her head to make sure she was awake. Jisoo wanted to focus. She stood up and went out of the door, but Yoongi was gone.

Jisoo still felt like a little girl at Christmas. This was like the best present she could ever ask for. With this huge smile she went to class. She couldn’t pay attention to Ms. Choi the entire day. Her teacher noticed as well, but didn’t say much, as she had never seen Jisoo this happy.

“What’s going on?” Mr. Lee asked her. “I’ve never seen you so… lively!”

“I think… I love him”, Jisoo announced.

Mr. Lee’s expression was somewhat strange. It was a mixture of sadness and happiness at the same time. It could’ve been Jisoo’s imagination as well.

“I guess your trip yesterday was nice in that case”, he noticed. Jisoo nodded and told him everything that had happened. It didn’t feel weird to tell him at all. She just wanted to share her feelings with someone. If she wouldn’t tell Mr. Lee she would explode as she didn’t know where to put all of these emotions.

“How do you feel now?” he asked her.

“I feel like I’m worth loving. I’m just so happy right now!”

“What are you going to do, if something changes?”, he asked further. Jisoo didn’t want to think about it. Why would anything change? She would get out of this house in two months and have a normal life, like everybody else. She would go back to school, apply for University and on top of it all have a boyfriend that totally supported, and understood her. Jisoo felt like nothing could go wrong in this very moment.

“I hope you will stay this happy for a long time”, Mr. Lee told her.

The next few days Jisoo was still extremely happy. However, she managed to calm down and to focus on her studies. Yoongi didn’t text her yet, but she was assumed he arrived safely in Daegu. In the evening Jisoo felt a little uneasy though and decided to text him anyways.

10:46PM ~did you arrive?

Jisoo didn’t get a reply and decided to go to sleep early. Even after a few days, her muscles still hurt. Jisoo decided to start practicing from next week on. She couldn’t let her body be wasted for nothing. She wanted to become strong and healthy again. She wanted to get her life together again, to make her parents proud and to finally accept herself for who she was.

Just like that a week went by. Jisoo worked on herself with Mr. Lee mentally and physically. She used her free time to exercise and study. She trained the choreography the boys were teaching her, as well as basic muscle training. Her new temporary goal was to get out of this place as a different person. She didn’t want to be the fragile and lost girl, she wanted to be strong and independent, but considerate at the same time. She wanted to become a better human being. She even thought she was on her way to achieve that goal. Another week had passed and Jisoo felt healthier day by day. Maybe coming to this place had a positive outcome regardless of being there voluntarily or not. Either way, she didn’t hate her parents for sending her there anymore. She rather wanted to talk to them and tell them everything she never did. Most of all however, she just wanted to hear her mother’s voice. Even though their relationship wasn’t ordinary, it was still her mother. One evening she decided to call her mother. She was nervous. What if her mother didn’t want to talk to her? What if she would blame her for being the way she was right now? Still Mr. Lee also thought it was a good idea to call them. Jisoo collected all her courage and dialed the number.

“Jisoo is that you?”, her mother’s voice asked. Of course she would know it was Jisoo, as they would see the number who was calling.

“Mom…” Jisoo said. She couldn’t say anything else. She was all chocked up, while tears came into her eyes. It had been almost two months now that she didn’t talk to her parents.

“How are you doing sweetie?” her mother asked in a soft tone.

“Good… I think I’m gonna get better”, Jisoo replied, while trying to not let her mother hear her emotions.

“How are the doctors? Mr. Bang sends us an update once a week, but I want to know how you really do. He told us you opened up to your doctor and that you’re doing well in class.”

“Oh… yeah.” Jisoo was a little angry. Even though she was here, not knowing how her parents were doing, they knew everything about her life. It felt like she was under control even in here. However, Jisoo decided to calm down and not let her thoughts drift off. She didn’t want to fall back into her old behavioral patterns. This time she wanted to be better.

“The doctor is really nice and my teacher is great as well”, she confirmed. It felt so weird to talk to her mom like this. It felt like she was talking to a stranger. She remembered Yoongi saying, his parents didn’t even know him. Now Jisoo wondered if her parents knew her at all…

“Mom… I…”, Jisoo started, but couldn’t finish the sentence. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to say. For a second she felt like there was nothing she could actually tell her own mother.

“Jisoo… it’s OK. I know you’re still upset with me, and I know that you’re still mourning for Seokjin. Your father and me only want the best for you, so please understand our decisions. We weren’t trying to lock you up or force you to do anything… we only wanted you to get better.” Her mother’s voice sounded so fragile. Even her tone was softer than Jisoo had ever heard her mother talking. Jisoo felt bad for hating her parents all that time. She felt sorry for being such a spoiled brat. She knew her parents loved her, in their own way. Even if they would never express it, Jisoo knew deep down, that her parents deeply cared for their daughter. They just handled their grief differently than Jisoo.

“I’m sorry, mom. All the things I’ve said to you and the way I behaved… I didn’t understand that you were hurt as well. I’m not going to disappoint you anymore, I promise!” Jisoo said.

After that, there was a long pause. After a few moments her mother finally replied. “I was never disappointed in you Jisoo. Your dad isn’t here right now, but he loves you very much as well. You’ll be home soon, so endure it for a little longer until you feel comfortable with your life again, OK?”.

Then they hung up. Jisoo was glad she called her mother. She didn’t expect her to be that understanding. Maybe her parents didn’t know exactly what was going on inside of her, but they still understood that Jisoo needed time. Time would heal the wounds, even though the scars would remain forever. Jisoo knew that she had to work on herself in order to lead a somewhat normal life again. She had to stay here for less than two months. She wasn’t ready to face the real world just yet, but she knew with Mr. Lee’s help as well as with Yoongi by her side she could overcome the difficulties.

She got ready for bed and laid down. She couldn’t fall asleep. What was Yoongi doing? She decided to call him. Just hearing his voice would calm her down. The phone rang a few minutes, but he didn’t pick up. He was probably busy with something. Jisoo didn’t think too much about it, as Yoongi seemed to be hard to reach most of the times anyways. Just like that another week had passed. Still no message from Yoongi. Jisoo started to get worried. She started to have troubles sleeping again, just like she had shortly after Seokjin’s death. Here in the institution, she was usually exhausted enough to just fall right asleep, but her body had gotten used to the routine in here a long time ago. It was at times like this, when Jisoo felt so alone. She had talked to her mom once in two months, her brother didn’t show up again and Yoongi was out of reach. She wanted to fall back into self-pity, but she knew that wasn’t an option. She had to stay strong and overcome whatever difficulties were in front of her. She continued working on her plan for the future. She had discussed the influence Seokjin’s death had on her, how he was her everything. Lately she wanted to become a doctor. She wanted to find a way to help people like Seokjin. She wanted to give the people, that had no hope left, a new perspective. She wanted to change something, not only for her but also for others. She wanted to help, just like her parents helped others. From now on she wanted to be considerate. Even though she was proud of herself and her progress, she was still anxious about Yoongi. Why didn’t he answer any of her texts? Why did he never pick up her calls? Did something happen to him? Jisoo stayed up night after night, thinking about these questions. She only had four weeks left until school started again, therefore she concentrated on her studies. After another ordinary day she headed back to her room. It was then, that she saw Yoongi’s room with an open door. Jisoo was more than excited, it felt as her heart would explode soon. She ran over to his room. She wanted to hug him and tell him all about the last few weeks, but the second she entered the room she froze. It was empty… of course the bed, wardrobe and desk were still there, but nothing of his personal belongings were there. The wall was painted in white and Mr. Park was cleaning up the room.

“This is Yoongi’s room…”, she said.

Mr. Park only noticed her then and stopped cleaning up. “Ms. Kim my dear. I guess you don’t know yet, but this room will be used for a new patient from tomorrow on.”

“What about Yoongi?” Jisoo asked. She was getting more nervous with every second that passed by.

“Jisoo… he’s not coming back. Didn’t he tell you?”, Mr. Park explained. Jisoo couldn’t reply. She couldn’t even make a single sound. All the warmth went out of her body. She slowly took a step back, then turned around and left the room like a robot. She didn’t know what to think… She went to her room and closed the door. She kept standing at her door without moving. What did all of this mean? Did he just move back to his old place? But why in the world wouldn’t he even tell her? Why didn’t he reply or at least call her? Jisoo felt miserable and angry at the same time. How could he just go off to Daegu and not even contact her again? Jisoo remembered the things he told Mr. Lee. Jisoo knew that Yoongi was suffering, but was she really the reason? Did he actually not like her, but detest her? Jisoo felt sick, she couldn’t even breathe properly. She went to the rooftop, as she wanted to clear her mind and breath…

“Jisoo! Get it together!”, she told herself. “You don’t know anything for sure… you didn’t talk to him yet. Just don’t jump to conclusions!”. She didn’t want to destroy all of her progress just because she thought about possible reasons. She was not going to let herself fall back into a dark whole! She tried to calm down and sat down on the wooden floor. She closed her eyes and just breathed. After a while she felt cold, her entire body shivered. She didn’t want to go back down to see Yoongi’s empty room though. She decided to stay on the rooftop for a little while and wanted to grab a blanket and a pillow. Then she saw it. On top of the neatly arranged blankets and pillows there was a letter addressed to Jisoo. She took it in both hands and looked at it. It was from Yoongi, she could tell just by the handwriting. She had seen a lot of writings in Yoongi’s room, therefore she was 100% sure. Also there was no one else who knew Jisoo went to the rooftop at nights. What kind of crab was this? Had Yoongi been here to clean up his room, while Jisoo was busy with class or therapy? What was going on that he just placed a letter here without even talking to her? Jisoo was nervous. She wanted to know what was going on, but she felt like the letter would only give her a heartache.

“You don’t know what’s going on until you read it…” she told herself in a calm voice. She breathed in and out for a few times. Then she opened the letter. It couldn’t be as bad as Jisoo expected… right?

Jisoo,

I don’t know how to start or what I should tell you. Honestly, I’m writing you this letter because I’m not brave enough to face you. You probably already know, but I’m not going to come back, and I will not be meeting you again. I thought I could help you for a little while, and then return to my own life, but if I don’t stop now, there’s no return and I don’t want to lose part of me. I’m not sure if this is fair, or simply my punishment, but I needed to go before my will got any weaker and before I would’ve lost my last sense of reason. I know nothing I could write now would make sense to you, but that’s OK. Lately I’ve gotten confused sometimes, whether I’ve found my own happiness or my end.

Don’t worry even if I leave, you’ll do well on your own. I remember when I first met you, back then when you didn’t know who I was. Still I have always been rooting for you… Though we are putting an end to our relationship, don’t ever feel sorry to me, I will get to meet you again no matter what form, I want you to greet me happily then and move on.

You can blame me all you want, but I still want you to keep going, without looking back.

Yoongi