Chapter 19 - Yoongi: Only for a little while

After getting out of the hospital Yoongi continued to visit Seokjin. He always managed to come in the early mornings, before school started or just right before Jisoo would arrive. For some reason he didn’t want to meet her. He was scared to get too involved. Even though he promised Seokjin to protect his sister, Yoongi didn’t even know how to do that. He couldn’t even protect himself…

However, Yoongi checked the internet about Jisoo and Seokjin. Just by reading different articles he found out everything about them, or at least what the world thought they were like. It was interesting. The Seokjin he got to know from the media was nothing like the Seokjin he met in the hospital, therefore Yoongi concluded that the Jisoo he only knew from his screen wouldn’t be like the real Jisoo. Just seeing all these articles made him appreciate his simple life he had with his grandparents. Even though his parents weren’t as famous as Seokjin’s family, they were still well known. Yoongi couldn’t imagine living his life in front of cameras every day.

The day before Seokjin jumped off the hospital roof, Yoongi went to see him in the morning. They were having breakfast together and just talking like usual. It felt like they had been friends ever since their childhood. If Yoongi would’ve know that this was the last time he would be able to see his friend he would’ve chosen his words wiser, but that day he didn’t think too much about the impact his word could have.

“Do you think it would be easier for Jisoo if I were gone?” Seokjin asked him all of a sudden. Yoongi didn’t quite know what to say.

“It depends. No matter what it won’t be easier. You’re her brother and you’re precious to her, otherwise she wouldn’t come here every day. At the same time it must be a burden for her to see you here like this. She has to wake up in the mornings with the thought that every day could be your last day.”

“Then it would be better for her if I leave her rather sooner than later…” Seokjin concluded.

“I mean sometimes it’s better to get it over with. It’s like a plaster… if you rip it off quickly it hurts, but it won’t hurt as much as if you rip it off slowly”, Yoongi said.

“Right…” Seokjin said, while he seemed to be in his own thoughts already.

“You never know what will happen though. Who knows? Maybe they will invent something tomorrow that will make you healthy again. Jisoo never loses hope so I think you shouldn’t lose it either”, Yoongi then said to cheer Seokjin up.

“You’re probably right”, Seokjin said, even though he didn’t seem all that convinced. The two friends kept talking for a while until Yoongi had to leave for school. He only had late classes that day, so he spent around three hours with Seokjin. These were the last three hours they had spent together. Yoongi prepared to leave the hospital while Seokjin stared at him for quite some time. Then he smiled at Yoongi.

“Thank you for everything Min Yoongi. Don’t forget to keep the promise” Seokjin said. Yoongi thought Seokjin’s behavior was a little out of the ordinary, but he didn’t think too much about it. He knew Seokjin quite well by now, so he also knew that Seokjin just had some dark days sometimes. Yoongi understood, more than he actually should have. What happened next however was something Yoongi never thought would actually happen. The next day Yoongi went to the hospital, but Seokjin wasn’t there. He asked the nurses about it. That’s how he found out. At first he didn’t believe a single words, but the nurses explained to him again. He checked his phone to search the news and there it was. The articles said that Seokjin died due to his illness but Yoongi knew the real reason. Yoongi ran out of the hospital. He ran without stopping. He didn’t know where to go or what to think. Somehow he ended up at the bridge. That’s were he broke down. All these thoughts he had while running kept coming back. This happened because of what he said to Seokjin. It was his fault! He told Seokjin that it would be better for Jisoo if he died quickly. These weren’t exactly his words, but that’s how Seokjin interpreted them. It was all his fault…

Yoongi didn’t remember how long he just cowered on that bridge, crying his heart out. What did he do? Did he actually kill someone through his words? He just couldn’t deal with himself. After it was night again a police officer came by. The officer was checking the bridge, as the police station had gotten a phone call about someone lying on the bridge. Yoongi couldn’t even talk in that situation. The police officer brought him to the police station where Yoongi’s mother later came to pick him up. The next couple of days Yoongi didn’t leave his room, he didn’t eat or answer any of his calls. He wanted to die as well, but he felt like he didn’t even deserve to die. He had to live with the punishment he deserved for what he did. He didn’t only kill someone, he also took away someone loved from a family. Yoongi kept thinking of how he could do something about it, but it was too late. Seokjin was dead and it was his fault. How could he ever meet Seokjin’s family? How could he keep his promise in protecting Jisoo?  He didn’t know what to do.

After a few days he finally got out of his room again. He met his friends. He didn’t tell them exactly what had happened, but they didn’t ask further. He tried to continue to live, while carrying this burden and the guilt forever. This was his punishment. He also called Mr. Lee, but didn’t tell him what happened either. He just told him that he did something terrible but that he wanted to deal with it on his own. However he managed to convince his mother to let him stay in the institution. His mother was a good friend of Mr. Bang and therefore they arranged it somehow. Yoongi knew that this was the only save place for him right now. If he would ever explode or lose his mind, he knew that Mr. Lee would be there to help him. Yoongi felt as if the weight of the entire world was on his shoulders, but he had to carry it on his own. In the institution he would have a place to deal with himself for a while. He couldn’t stay at home with his parents. They wouldn’t even understand him, even if he told them. Mr. Lee was pretty much one of the only people that knew how it looked like on the inside of Yoongi’s mind. His friends Namjoon and Hoseok knew a lot as well, but he never told them anything explicit. However, they probably had their own theories about Yoongi.

Yoongi tried to cope with the situation as good as possible. He went back to school, kept hanging out with his friends, and pretended that everything was ok. It almost seemed as if everything could get back to normal until he saw Jisoo in the city center. They had a performance on the street. Dancing helped Yoongi to push away all thoughts. While he was dancing he didn’t think about anything, but after their performance he saw Jisoo sitting close to them on a bench. He felt like someone punched him directly in his face. For a second he couldn’t move. He just stared at her.

“Yah, isn’t that the sister of the guy you met in the hospital?” Hoseok asked Yoongi. “You know… that daughter of these politicians”. Yoongi couldn’t talk. He just nodded his head. “She doesn’t look all too well… maybe you should go over there, you knew her brother after all. We’re going to clean up the rest”, Hoseok told him. Yoongi didn’t know what to do. How could he walk over to her and talk to her? He didn’t have the right to… however, his body moved on its own. He walked over to Jisoo and stopped right in front of her. He wanted to know how she was feeling and he also wanted to keep his promise to Seokjin. The worst part however was, that she was even pretty while crying. Yoongi had never seen her up close like this, but she was the pretties girl he had ever seen. How could he protect her? He didn’t know, but it seemed like Jisoo wasn’t doing all too well. He started a somewhat casual conversation with her. Just seeing her made him worry. She seemed to be lonely. She seemed like she didn’t sleep well in a long time either. Yoongi had never been good at small talk and therefore he also didn’t know what to say, but it seemed like Jisoo enjoyed watching them dance. The guys were done packing up and so Yoongi wanted to leave with them too. He didn’t want to leave Jisoo there alone but what else was he supposed to do? He just asked her if she really was OK but he would believe every word she would say. He was bewitched by her face and her eyes. These were the eyes of someone that understood him, and he understood the pain in her eyes as well. His guilt was too strong though. He didn’t have the right to get involved with her any more. The only wise conclusion was to leave now, and so he did.

The rest of the evening he couldn’t concentrate. He kept walking through the streets thinking about her. He promised Seokjin to protect his sister, but what would he think if he saw them now? Seokjin would probably be angry. He would lecture Yoongi on how he didn’t do his job right, but what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just go up to this girl and get involved in her life. He wouldn’t be of much help, he would only make it worse. At the same time he didn’t want to see her again. She would always remind him of what he had done to Seokjin. That night however, the beginning of his end started. He wanted to buy some water in a convenient store but bumped into some punks on the street, because he wasn’t really paying attention to where he was walking. The men he encountered weren’t all to amused. They started to become aggressive and started pushing Yoongi around. Before they could break out into a fight Yoongi started running. It was already pretty late at night and it was dark, therefore running was the only chance to get out of this stupid situation without any harm. They kept chasing him for about twenty minutes until Yoongi arrived at that road. He kept running until he ran someone over at a crossroad. That person fell on the floor.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry!”, Yoongi said while getting up again. Then he saw her, that girl – Kim Jisoo. Maybe this really was his punishment, there was no other explanation. However he heard the men yelling somewhere behind him. He had no other choice than to hide with Jisoo. He couldn’t let them hurt her. He promised…

Just standing in the small alley with Jisoo made his heart beat really fast. Just looking at her even in the darkness made his entire body react. He knew he should let it go, but for some reason he just couldn’t. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to know how she felt, and he didn’t want to leave her. He turned off his consciousness and took her to the closest place to eat. Even though she was a little suspicious at first, she really enjoyed the food. Yoongi was so fascinated by her. He had never seen a person that never ate street food in her entire life. But he was more interested in the way she talked. She managed to talk as if nothing was wrong, even though Yoongi knew everything she said was a lie. It was ok, he lied to her as well… he couldn’t tell her what he really wanted to. He could only try to give her a moment of relief. He just wanted her to think of nothing for a little while. He knew that everything he had been doing today was wrong, but he still did it anyways. The two of them drank way too much Soju, even though both of them were underaged. To be honest both of them probably needed it to lose all the tension they had inside of them. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, but he wanted to keep talking to her, he wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything would be OK, but she wasn’t ready. She got a little angry and just left. Yoongi decided to go after her. It was freezing, and she didn’t seem to have a jacket with her. He promised to protect her, so the only thing he could do was to give her his Sweater and to call a taxi. He wouldn’t see her again after this coincidence, therefore he tried to make sure she would get home safely at least. Even though he had her phone number now, he never actually planned to call her. It was just a reminder for him. A reminder that he could never forget.

Yoongi never imagined his punishment to be this cruel. Why did this girl have to show up at the institution just a few days later? Was god trying to make his life a living hell? It was so weird to have Jisoo there. He felt strangely attracted to her, even though he knew it would end up in a total mess. The very first day he didn’t want to get involved with her whatsoever, but Mrs. Park urged him to bring her some food. He couldn’t just bring her food and then ignore her afterwards, so he decided to at least have some small talk with her. She didn’t seem happy at all, he could see and hear it in her voice. Just looking at the pictures she was drawing he felt terrible again. Her drawings were amazing and really realistic, but what he saw wasn’t creating a positive emotion inside of him. Jisoo drew so many pictures of Seokjin that it hurt Yoongi on the inside. It was all his fault that she missed her brother this much and he couldn’t turn back the time. Yoongi was so glad when Mrs. Park called for him to finish with the work he had started in the kitchen. Even though he didn’t have to, he really liked to help her out. It made him concentrate on something for a little while.

The next time he saw Jisoo in the dining room he couldn’t do anything else but go straight up to her. She was like a magnet that pulled him towards her. He couldn’t even stop himself. Just having a somewhat normal conversation with her bewitched him even more. This girl was so fascinating. Even though she wasn’t doing well at all she still managed to keep a strong appearance. If he wouldn’t know better, no one would ever think she was struggling. Yoongi just kept staring at her. Even though she was beautiful, he could read all of her emotions in her eyes. Her eyes were crying out loud for help.

In the evening all of the residents were in the living room, Jisoo as well. For Yoongi it was like he couldn’t really see anyone but her. It drove him crazy. That evening was one of the rare times he played the piano again. He loved it, but at the same time it always reminded him of his grandparents that he so dearly missed. Jisoo seemed to like it though, therefore it was OK. To her it must’ve felt even worse to know that her brother decided to end his life. If she only knew what really happened… That night he couldn’t fall asleep at all. He was thinking about her and Seokjin all night long. He understood his friend. He understood how her brother could fall in love with her. She had something around her that made him want to protect her. Even though he didn’t know her well he would do what ever she would ask of him if she only wanted. It drove Yoongi crazy. He didn’t want to get involved with her! He rather wanted to forget everything about her and her family. He just wanted to run away from his fate, but he couldn’t. He knew that he could never get rid of this burden, but this was just too much. He promised Seokjin to protect his little sister out of petty and because he didn’t want to disappoint his friend. Now that she was here with him, he didn’t know what to do. He just tried to be nice to her and to make her somewhat comfortable. He would never be able to take away her grief…

The next day he went to meet his crew, but they noticed that Yoongi wasn’t really concentrating. “What’s going on? You seem to be out of it today”, his friend Jimin noticed. But Yoongi assured them that he just wasn’t sleeping well lately. He didn’t want to tell them about Jisoo yet. Even though they knew that Yoongi met Seokjin in the hospital, he never told them what had happened. He was scared to tell them, because he didn’t want to lose his precious friends. At the same time he couldn’t tell them about Jisoo, because he didn’t even know what he felt or what he should do about her. As he usually slept in the institution on the weekends he went back there that night as well. His parents were OK with it, as they didn’t even know that he slept at Namjoon’s place during the week. Yoongi however had a deal with Mr. Bang. If he would show up on the weekends and go to a consultation once in a while, he would cover for him. Yoongi was glad that he could count on Mr. Bang. However, he didn’t want to go back this time. He was scared to meet Jisoo. He was too drawn to her and it terrified him. He arrived shortly after 10PM, therefore he didn’t meet anyone in the hallways. He tried to fall asleep but he just couldn’t get any rest. He dreamed about Seokjin just standing at the edge of the rooftop of the hospital. He watched Seokjin fall down, without being able to help. Yoongi had these sorts of nightmares more often lately. It drove him crazy. Would he have to live like this for the rest of his life?

He needed some water and went to the kitchen with his pills. He just stood there not knowing what to do about his life. It was annoying but he couldn’t just end it. He promised Seokjin and he didn’t even deserve to decide what to do with his life from now on. He didn’t notice Jisoo standing there. He didn’t want her to see his pills or his confused face. It seemed like Jisoo also had a sleepless night. He helped her to find some food and joined her eating ice cream. She was way too cute. He could’ve watched her eating ice cream the entire day, but he knew he shouldn’t have. Jisoo somehow ended up falling asleep right next to him and eventually abused his shoulder as her pillow. Yoongi felt awful. His heart was beating so fast, he was afraid it would wake Jisoo up. He kept looking at her and memorizing her face. She was beautiful. How could he ever tell her the truth about her brother? How could he ever tell her the truth about him? Everything Jisoo knew about him was pretty much a lie. He didn’t want to lie to her, however the truth wouldn’t help her. He also realized that he didn’t want to tell her the truth because he was greedy. He wanted to know more about her and he wanted her to stay by his side just like that. He liked to feel the warmth of her body, to smell her beautiful hair and to just look at her gorgeous face. He had already fallen for her and now he didn’t even know how to turn back.

The next morning he left her there quietly. He didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of his actions. As he would be gone for the rest of the week, he could think of how to react to her from now on. He texted her a few times during the week just to support her and to be some sort of a friend to her. Truthfully he knew however that he didn’t do it for her, but for himself. He was almost excited when the weekend came around. He usually just liked to be in the institution as he didn’t do anything stupid over there, but now he had something to look forward to. He went to the kitchen where Mrs. Park left some food for him in the fridge and ate it. He wanted to see Jisoo, but he couldn’t just knock on her door. Maybe she wanted to be alone, or maybe she was sleeping already. As he needed to clear his thoughts he went to the rooftop. It had been his hideout since he came there. He built a little construction to stack a blanket and a few pillows. He sometimes just liked to spend the night outside as he felt suffocated in his room. What he saw when he went upstairs, however made him realize his sins again. Jisoo was sitting there crying her heart out.

Yoongi was so hurt to see her like that. After watching her for over 10 minutes he was finally brave enough to go over to her. At first it seemed like Jisoo was embarrassed to cry in front of someone but after a while she just ignored Yoongi’s presence. He tried to lift up her mood but it seemed like Jisoo just needed to cry for a while. Yoongi offered his shoulder to her support and to his surprise Jisoo accepted his help. He would’ve thought that she would block everything he would try, but she opened up to him. Yoongi was so glad he could help her for once, at the same time he didn’t want her to open up. Why was she telling him about her deepest thoughts? If she would only know what he had done, she would probably hate him. He didn’t want her to hate him… he just wanted to be there for her. Yoongi blocked out his guilt that night. If he would just help her out a little bit it wouldn’t turn out in a total mess right? He only wanted to support her for a little while, until she was ready to face the world again. Only for a little while he would allow himself to like her. Only for a little while.

Deep down however, Yoongi knew that it was already too late. She already had him in the palm of her hand. There was no going back. He could either tell her the truth or go on with the lie...