10 - You're afraid to get out

Jisoo’s alarm woke her up from her sleep. She thought she could never sleep again due to all of her excitement, but it seemed like her body was exhausted enough to sleep. She was still laying in Yoongi’s bed. It was so nice and comfortable. Her own room felt more like a hotel suite, whereas this room made her feel like home. She looked around. She couldn’t tell how long he was already staying in this room. He said he was a patient here before and that he now lives here for his own sake. Everything did look used but still new. It couldn’t have been more than a year Jisoo thought. She wanted to look around more, but then decided not to. She didn’t want to invade his privacy. Of course, they were friends, she even slept here and they had already told each other things they would never tell anyone else. She still didn’t want to overstep her boundaries. She wouldn’t like for others to sneak around in her room either. Jisoo rearranged the bedsheet and headed to the bathroom to check how awful she looked like this time. She either looked quite OK or she was just blinded due to all her joy. In the corner next to the sink she saw a few brown bottles. She wanted to know what they were and checked them out. As she was no doctor she had no idea what the words meant on the bottles, but they weren’t vitamins for sure.

Suddenly Jisoo felt guilty. She obviously wasn’t the only one struggling. How could he always just listen to her whining without saying things himself? She was always just complaining to him. He always just gave her support, but he never received anything from her. She wanted to be there for him as well. She knew that she was already head over heels for him, but even if he didn’t feel that way towards her she wanted to help him at least as a friend. She wanted to change, she wanted to be considerate and not only think about herself and her troubles.

Jisoo looked in the mirror. Who was this girl? What she saw was someone vulnerable, someone that cried more in one month than in the rest of her life combined. At the same time, she saw someone that made friends with strangers, started to rebel and even wanted to be considerate of others. She actually cared for once. For a second Jisoo wondered if that was just temporary, or if this was her true self. Even thought she didn’t want to be sent here in the first place, it seemed like she actually did make some progress in here. She was feeling good. She didn’t try to be anyone else but herself and the people around her were accepting it. Maybe she shouldn’t see her stay here as a punishment but rather as a chance for her own self-development.

On her way to the door Jisoo noticed the picture wall again. She wanted to take a closer look. On the pictures he seemed happy. Jisoo noticed a lot of pictures with his dance crew. They seemed to be really close. Jisoo wondered again how someone that looked so happy on these pictures would have such dark thoughts. Then on the other hand, she was the same. In her High School no one would ever believe that she had mental health problems. In the media they have always been portrayed as a perfect family, therefore they were obviously happy. At least for the outside world.

What about her parents though? Did they really not care? Jisoo thought about calling them at home, but then decided not to. They wouldn’t listen to what she had to say anyways… they never did. Jisoo rather wanted to focus on her studies and her therapy with Mr. Lee. She started to really like this cute, old man. After talking to him she actually felt good.

For the rest of the week Jisoo continued to do well in her class and actually learned new things this time around. Her therapy with Mr. Lee helped her too.

“Before I gave you my diagnosis, what do you think was your problem?” Mr. Lee asked her.

“I thought I was only grieving. I never considered that I could have problems mentally to be honest. Looking back at what you told me, I think you might be right though. I think I’ve always just relied on my brother too much. I sometimes think I put the weight of my world on top of his shoulders, so I understand where your diagnosis is coming from”.

Mr. Lee nodded and poured in another cup of tea. “Do you know what my diagnosis means?”

Jisoo wasn’t quite sure if she understood the question. Did she know what it meant for him to diagnose her, or did he mean the mental problem itself?

“Let me explain it to you: An anxiety disorder leads to worries that could cause to affect your everyday life. In your case for example it would be the avoidance of social situations. It can also be seen in excessive fear of emotions in general. Due to this kind of disorder it can lead to behavioral disturbances which you have encountered after your brother’s death. Therefore, I would think that your anxiety only appeared after Seokjin’s death. For the depression on the other hand I think the root is somewhere else. It can often manifest as sadness, worthlessness and guilt. What you need to understand is that anxiety and depression are not the same, but they are often experienced together. That’s just my thought though, I want to know, what’s your opinion on this?”

Jisoo listened carefully to his explanation. “I think I can overcome my anxiety, if I find something I really want to do. It’s just hard to find it. The negative thoughts are different. I don’t know how to work on it. It’s like I try to think positively but then there’s some demon in my head that tells me nothing is worth it. I think both, my anxiety and negativity, do certainly affect my daily life. I never really had real friends, but even my classmates that I was close to, are gone. It’s been a long time since I’ve last considered someone as a friend.”

“Talking about friends there’s still something I’m really interested in. On the lists you gave me I found something odd. On the second list you only wrote two things. The thing you like is Min Yoongi but the thing you hate is Min Yoongi as well. What does it mean to you? Or maybe I should rather ask what he means to you…” Mr. Lee asked her.

Jisoo was perplexed. She didn’t remember writing that. She thought her two lists looked pretty much the same. Did she space out or something? Maybe Mr. Lee was playing a trick on her again… then on the other hand she never mentioned Yoongi’s name and even if he knew him, Mr. Lee had never seen them together.

“The reason why I’m so interested in this topic is due to the fact that first, there’s nothing else on the list, and second, I am familiar with this boy”.

He was familiar with him? Basically, he was trying to say that he knew him. How though? Jisoo knew that Yoongi was a patient here before, maybe Mr. Lee was his doctor as well.

“I have the feeling that the friend you mentioned last time was him… am I correct?”

Jisoo nodded her head.

“He’s not someone that would search much contact with the people in here, or even with people in general. It makes me wonder why you two became close…” Mr. Lee continued.

“I’m not sure if were exactly close or anything but I consider him as a friend” was all Jisoo could say. She was a little embarrassed as she totally didn’t remember writing this… ever!

“Didn’t you say you don’t have friends?” Mr. Lee continued asking.

“Well, I mean I met him after all this mess happened. It’s just nice to talk to him I guess”.

“And what do you feel when you talk to him?” Mr. Lee wanted to know.

Jisoo didn’t want to talk about Yoongi, she was afraid she would start to smile like an idiot. But she decided to tell Mr. Lee whatever he wanted to know. He was trustworthy enough and if it would end up in an embarrassing situation Mr. Lee would ignore it and act like an adult right? “I feel… safe and accepted.”

Mr. Lee raised his eyebrows. “That’s all? Nothing else?”

“What else do you want me to feel? Should I be thankful or something like that?”

“That would be a start. You must like him a lot if he’s all you have on your mind lately”.

Now Jisoo was actually getting annoyed again. It was none of his business who she liked or not. What was she trying to say? She thought they were talking about how she could get better and not about her friendships.

“What I’m trying to get at is, that I think you want to like him even more, but you can’t. Aren’t I right?” Mr. Lee added.

It hit Jisoo like a basketball directly in her face. She knew what he was trying to say. Jisoo did like Yoongi more than anyone else, but she was scared to let these feelings out. She didn’t know how to like someone sincerely. She didn’t even know if she was capable of loving someone besides her brother. She felt like her ability to love died with Seokjin all along.

“It’s hard to love someone, if you can’t love yourself I guess” she then said after a while of silence.

“Exactly”, Mr. Lee agreed. “But I wonder why you think of yourself that way? That’s the third thing I want to work on with you.”

“I just don’t think I’m anything special”, Jisoo said.

“See this is where you’re completely wrong. I’m not sure how much you know about Min Yoongi, but I know him quite well… he wouldn’t waste his time on just anyone”. Mr. Lee said while smiling. Jisoo wasn’t sure what to reply.

“Your next task I want to give you is making another list. I want you to write down things you like and don’t like about yourself. Maybe your new friend can help you out on this”, he added.

Another list? As much as she liked Mr. Lee, she was annoyed by him just the same amount. Jisoo wasn’t sure what all these lists could actually help her with. All she wanted was to get out of here and have a somewhat normal life again. On top of that she wasn’t in the mood to write another embarrassing list. She gave up her inner fight and decided to do it anyways. Yoongi didn’t come back the entire week so far, but they texted each other every day. She didn’t know what to write on her lists. She laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She didn’t want to bother Yoongi, but she wanted to hear his voice. She called him on his phone, but he didn’t pick up. Jisoo was disappointed. In that case she would just keep on working on her list. What did she like about herself and what not? She had no idea what to write… there was nothing she especially liked about herself but there was also nothing she hated.

After a while her phone rang. Yoongi was calling her back!

“Jisoo, did something happen?” he asked.

“No, I… just wanted to hear your voice”, she said.

“Just ask already… I know you want to say something” he then said.

Yoongi seemed to know Jisoo quite well already. Could he hear her curiosity just by listening to her voice?

“I talked about you with Mr. Lee today… he said he knew you”.

“Oh so Mr. Lee is your doctor! That explains a lot. He was mine before as well”, Yoongi told her, “his approaches seem a little odd but he’s a really nice guy.”

Jisoo’s hunch was right. That’s why Mr. Lee knew Yoongi.

“Did he say something about me?” Yoongi asked her.

“He just said you’re a particular person as well”, Jisoo said. “He wants me to write a list about myself, but I don’t know what to write. He said maybe you can help me as we’re friends… so… I mean I don’t know if you have time for this but…” Jisoo started.

“Sure, I’ll help you” Yoongi interrupted her. Jisoo was thankful, but at the same time she didn’t know what to ask him.

“Do you think I’m… pretty?” she finally asked.

“What do you mean? You’re gorgeous!“, Yoongi said. After an awkward pause he added: “I mean… it’s not like you’re bad to look at”.

Jisoo couldn’t reply. She was so happy. Did he just tell her she was beautiful? She had to put her hand in front of in order to not start laughing like an idiot. After a few seconds of silence she got herself together again and continued asking as if nothing had happened. “What else is positive about me? Or maybe you can tell me what’s awful about me…”, she urged him.

“Well… just… I don’t think there’s anything awful about you. The only thing that comes to my mind that I don’t like is… well how should I put this? I have never seen you laugh. I know how you look like when you’re sad, but I’ve never heard you laugh so far. I’m not sure if you know how to…”

“What do you mean? Of course I laugh!”, she countered. Or maybe she didn’t laugh… Jisoo couldn’t remember the last time she actually did laugh about something. She cried a lot but laughing? Maybe that was also part of her change. If who she was now, was her real self, then she actually really didn’t know how to laugh. It made her frustrated that Yoongi only knew her depressed self. She wanted to share happy moments with him, she wanted to laugh and really mean it.

“Well I guess I’ll have to make you laugh for real next time” Yoongi promised.

They kept talking for almost two hours. It wasn’t anything important, but it was still important to Jisoo. She liked just hearing his voice. It made her forget about so many thinks. He listened to what she had to say, and she listened to what he wanted to tell her. He was her very first real friend but at the same time Jisoo knew that he was as well her very first love.

“Are you coming back here soon?” she wanted to know.

“I’m probably coming Friday. Why do you miss me?” he joked around.

“Of course not!” Jisoo replied.

After their call Jisoo felt a lot better. Besides Mr. Lee and Ms. Choi, Yoongi was the only person she had a real conversation with. She still had no interest in getting involved with the other patients in this institution. She didn’t feel like she needed to. Summer break would start this weekend and after that she would get out of here. She was still hoping that she might get out sooner if she showed Mr. Lee her progression. It’s not like they could keep her locked up here forever. If she would show Mr. Lee that she got better, they should let her go. Of course, she could try to pretend like she always did, but she actually wanted to get better and Mr. Lee would see right through her anyways. There’s was no point in lying to him. Jisoo thought it was a stupid reason, but after the call she realized what Yoongi said was true. He had never seen her laugh wholeheartedly. At the same time, she had also never seen him laugh. Jisoo remembered the pictures he had in his room. He looked so happy on them. She wanted to meet his friends, she wanted to see him laugh and she also wanted him to be genuinely happy.

“What are you thinking so deeply about?”, Jisoo heard Seokjin’s voice behind her.

“You’re back!” she said.

“I guess you needed to tell me something”, he smirked.

“So many things happened while you were gone… why didn’t you show up sooner?”

Seokjin who was casually sitting on her bed replied: “You didn’t need me.”

“I always need you…” Jisoo said. “It’s just… I think I’m falling in love, and I don’t know what to do about it”.

“What do you mean? Why don’t you just go for it? You don’t have anything to lose.”

Jisoo didn’t know why she was feeling that way, but something stopped her. She couldn’t just give it a try, as she was scared of what would happen afterwards.

“It’s just… do you think two broken people can help each other rather than intoxicating each other? It scares me to be with him, but I don’t know if I can turn back now. What if… what if it’s too difficult for him? What if I’m just using him as an excuse to feel better for a second? What if… what if he actually doesn’t even like me that way?”, Jisoo asked her brother.

“I don’t understand what you’re scared of. I rather think you two can help each other to find happiness again. I actually think you’re using yourself as an excuse. What’s so hard about accepting who you are? He has no reason not to like you. You could just ask him you know… You’re still young! Don’t act like it’s going to be the end of the world if he doesn’t like you back.”

Seokjin was right! She could just ask Yoongi about how he felt. If he would feel differently at least she could get over it soon… right?

“What if he actually does like me too?” Jisoo asked Seokjin.

“Then I don’t see where the problem is…” Seokjin replied with a facial expression Jisoo couldn’t analyze.

“Let’s say he does… what happens after I leave this place. What if he only likes me in here?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“This is so unlike you Jisoo. Since when do you care about other people that much? I think you are changing for the better here”, Seokjin told her.

She was changing? It was true that she did behave differently in here, but did her personality change as well? Maybe Seokjin would help her to do her homework, like he always did.

“Tell me, how did I change?” she wanted to know.

“Mhhhh… I would say you actually care about people now. It’s not just Yoongi, but it also seems like you don’t want to make trouble here for your doctor and your teacher. Usually you would just not make trouble to get out of here fast, but I feel like you started to like these people. I also think you started to speak your mind. When I was with you of course you told me what you thought, but that was just me. In here you tell strangers about your opinions, even though you used to choose every word you said with great attention. You would never say anything without a thought, if there were others around.”

“Is that a good thing?” Jisoo wondered.

“I think it is. It seems like you can finally be yourself. The problem now is that you’re afraid to get out”.

Jisoo didn’t understand.

“What’s with that face? You know it’s true. The only reason why you’re afraid to talk to him about your feelings is yourself… You’re scared that he will not like you outside of here, because you think you will turn back into the robot you were before. You don’t have to be like that anymore though. You can just be you, here as well as outside of this building”.

Maybe for Yoongi it was similar. Maybe he could only be himself in here, and that’s why he decided to live here, as a safe place for his thoughts. Seokjin was right. She was scared to get out of here. It wasn’t that she couldn’t get out or anything. She never ever requested for a leave. Sure, she wanted to break out one time, but after she breathed in some fresh air she didn’t even think about that again.

“I’ll ask him!” Jisoo decided.