Chapter 6 – Why are you here?

The next day Jisoo got up at 7 to get dressed. Her goal of the day was to show everyone that she wasn’t crazy and that this wasn’t the right place for her. The first step was to look like a normal High Schooler. She opened her closet and checked out the clothes. As there was no school uniform she just assumed she could wear whatever she wanted. She went for black jeans and a pink sweater. While looking through the other clothes she had, she noticed Yoongi’s sweater hanging there as well! Thanks God it was here. At least she could give it back to him, on the other hand… it was better not to meet him for the next few days, no months, no even better years. The moment she would see him she would just die of embarrassment. She checked in the bathroom, there was no makeup, only her other products. Well going with the natural look would save her time in the mornings to have more time for breakfast. As it was still early she decided to go eat breakfast already. Maybe this way she wouldn’t be bothered by anyone.

She entered the dining room, and to her surprise it was quite packed. Everyone who was around school age was there. At least that meant she wasn’t the only one with the military schedule. She found an empty table and went there after loading her plate with her breakfast. After she was done she went back into her room to take her notebook, some books and pens. She was nervous. It felt like the first day of school for her even though this wasn’t a school. Her only problem now was, she didn’t even know where to go. She decided to go to the front desk and check if Mrs. Bang was there to ask her. Of course, Mrs. Bang was there and so Jisoo walked up to her.

“Mrs. Bang, I’m supposed to go meet my teacher, but I don’t know where to go. Would you mind showing me the way?” Jisoo asked in a very polite manner, as she had been taught to be polite in every situation in life.

“Ms. Kim! You really do have a voice! In this case I’ll gladly show you the way…. Let’s go!” Mrs. Bang said and stood up. Jisoo regretted to have asked, she was getting annoyed again. What was wrong with the people in here? What the hell did her parents tell them? Did all of them think she was mute or something? She just wasn’t in the mood to talk nonsense with people. Seokjin expected her to live her life the way she wanted, so Jisoo decided to not talk if she didn’t feel like it. It was of no use to talk to people that didn’t listen anyways.

To Jisoo’s surprise Mrs. Kim led her to a staircase up to another floor. Jisoo never noticed the staircase and she did not even think that this institution had a second floor. Every time she looked out of the window she thought it was just a one-story house for some reason. Apparently, this building was taller than she expected.

“The second floor is used for medical treatments and private sessions with your doctors. The third floor are the teaching facilities. As you know we want to make your stay here as comfortable as possible, that’s why we tried to incorporate everything in one building. The teachers and doctors that work here are all highly skilled, so you don’t need to be worried with your education or wellbeing”, she continued without even checking if Jisoo was listening to her. Soon they arrived on the third floor, where Mrs. Bang left Jisoo in front of a room.

“This room is used by Ms. Choi, she will teach you and the others your age. I hope you can enjoy the morning and learn a lot. Your parents expect you not to fall behind on your studies. As you know you are also expected to join your last year of High School after your treatments here this summer, but Ms. Choi will explain the rest to you. Let me know if there’s anything, if not I’ll go back downstairs”, Mrs. Bang said without even waiting for Jisoo to respond in any sort of way. Jisoo was already getting annoyed. First, she had to go to class in a house full of crazy people and of course everyone had expectations again. She was wondering if this would ever end… could she ever be in a situation where there were no expectations? Why did she always have to meet these expectations anyways? It was so frustrating for her, but of course she wasn’t dumb. She knew she had to pay attention in class to keep up her grades and not destroy her future. She definitely wanted to rebel and just do whatever the hell she wanted, but destroying her future was not part of her plan. The weird part was being trapped in a house and be taught by a private teacher though. At first Jisoo always had an additional home teacher to help her study and keep up her grades, later she told her parents she wouldn’t need one, as Seokjin was helping her with her studies every day in the hospital. It was no surprise to her, that her parents agreed, considering Seokjin has always been the best in his level while he was in school. Jisoo had been so proud to have had such a smart brother! Now she had to make him proud as well. She entered the room. Ms. Choi was sitting at a table right in the front of the room. It basically looked like the miniature version of a classroom, just without lockers and with no decoration. Jisoo was wondering if they had classrooms in prisons, because if they had they probably would’ve looked like this.

“Ms. Kim good morning! You’re very early!” she smiled at Jisoo. “I still need to explain some things to you, so it’s good that you’re here already. You can take a seat on the very right next to the window. Everyone has their own assigned seat here”.

Jisoo walked over to the table and sat down.

“Ok, I know this isn’t exactly the place you want to be right now, and I guess you would rather want to have school with your friends back in your High School, but at the moment we can’t change this situation. I have gotten your school records and I’ve seen that you’re an outstanding student. I hope you will be like this here too! My task is to help you keep up the grades, which means we will first teach you how to pass the exams for the current year and then continue on to prepare you for your last year. Basically, what I will do is teach you the basics you need in order for you to apply them on the test exams. My lecture is structured like this: From 8 – 9.30 AM I will give you guys Input. From 9.30 to 10 AM we will have a small snack break and after that it’s your individual study time. During this period, you can work on your homework, test exams or whatever you still need to hand in to me. I will be here in case you have any kind of questions. Do you have any questions so far?”

Jisoo was a little overwhelmed by the amount of info she had just gotten, then on the other hand Ms. Choi seemed to be really nice. Basically, this was school just in a small class with the only difference that she had to come here every day. As long as she would be able to follow her teachers next year she would be fine. Snack time also sounds amazing. Maybe this wouldn’t be too bad… Other than Jisoo’s desk she noticed that there were two other tables next to hers.

“Right, we have to other classmates that are your age. One is called Park Soo Young and the other is Song Yoon Hyung. They should be here soon. In the meantime, I’ll go downstairs to get some coffee. Do you want me to bring you something on my way back up?” she asked. Jisoo shook her head. As Ms. Choi left the room, a boy came into the room. He didn’t even look at Jisoo and sat down at the table next to hers. Jisoo didn’t mind and took out some paper and a pen. She looked out of the window and saw the entire city. It was beautiful. She stood up to walk over to the window to observe her surroundings a little better. Ever since she arrived here she didn’t really take a look outside of the building. She knew about where this institution was, as it was quite famous. Everyone in her social class knew this place as the best psychiatric facility in Seoul. Usually all the rich kids would come here if would have a short mental breakdown. Now that she thought about it, she didn’t see anyone that looked older than a university student. She knew that this place was just outside of Soul. By the look of the view she had from the third floor, Jisoo guessed that it was located on a steep hill. It would take her around 2 hours to get to the city center or maybe a bit more if she had to take a bus. Her home was just across the entire city. Not that she missed her home, but it was still the only place she had ever lived in her entire life.

“You! I want you to stay away from him!” a voice behind Jisoo said with a slightly aggressive tone. Jisoo turned around to find the creepy girl standing right in front of her.

“Yah, Park Soo Young!” the boy next to Jisoo’s table said, “will you ever get it? He has no interest in you… You’re crazy…” The girl’s eyes turned dark. She turned around and walked up close to the boy, which in conclusion must’ve been Song Yoon Hyung.

“If you don’t want to die, you should shut your mouth” she replied with a creepy smile on her face.

“Everyone calm down, it’s time for class. Take your seats” Ms. Choi announced. Jisoo didn’t even notice her coming back in. The girl took her seat without a word and Jisoo followed her example. She wanted to impress her teacher and not get into trouble anyways. MS. Choi seemed tough as she didn’t even bother with Park Soo Young’s behavior. To Jisoo’s surprise the morning passed by like a normal school day without any kind of interruption. During the snack break everyone went downstairs to get some refreshments or fruits. Only Jisoo stayed behind in the classroom. She used the time to take out her notebook and drew. The rest of the morning was quite effective. Jisoo liked to do some school work on her own. Most of the test questions were easy, this way she felt like she accomplished a lot in her first day already. A few weeks had already passed ever since she looked at math problems. It was quite nice to busy her mind with something like this. Jisoo actually thought she could make a lot of progress on an educational level here. The teacher was only responsible for three students; therefore one could say it was basically a private learning session.

After class Jisoo handed in her school work to Ms. Choi.

“Wow you did indeed finish a lot! That’s great! I’ll correct it for you until tomorrow. Have a nice day!” she answered. Jisoo went to the dining room to stuff her face with pasta. The food Mrs. Park cooked was amazing. If she did cook all of this every day by herself she was a goddess in flesh and bone! Jisoo wanted to prepare herself mentally for her session with the shrink. She kind of hoped Min Yoongi would be there as well, but he didn’t show up. After finishing her food Jisoo went directly to the second floor to find out where her doctor was. With all the papers she had gotten from her teacher in the morning, she also received some lists with emergency phone numbers, house rules, therapy schedules and a house plan. On her schedule it stated that a Mr. Lee Deokhwa was her therapist. On the list it also showed a room number, this way it was easy for Jisoo to find the room. She just wanted to get it over with. Of course, the door was open. Jisoo wasn’t quite sure what she thought of all these open doors. She felt like there was no privacy in this house. Even the classroom’s door had been open the entire morning. Maybe she was just too used to be in closed rooms, but the openness in here made her uncomfortable. She didn’t really like to not be in control, this also included the knowledge of who was close to her and who could listen.

“Ms. Kim you’re right on time!” a man said. “Come in please. You can close the door if you like”.

Jisoo walked in and closed the door. The room had two couches with a small table in between them. The room looked like a cozy living room. Mr. Lee was quite an old man. He was probably already a grandpa but surprisingly he didn’t wear a white coat. He was just wearing jeans and a button-down shirt. Jisoo sat down on the couch across from him. She didn’t know what to expect.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Good” Jisoo answered.

“Then why are you here?” he wanted to know.

“I don’t know. I woke up and I was here” Jisoo replied. What kind of therapy was this? Jisoo thought it was strange. Mr. Lee started laughing. What was so funny?

“Young lady… you’re the first one that gives me this kind of answer. Usually my patients tell me their entire life story first” he smiled.

“Everyone here seems to know my life story already, so I’m not going to waste your time” Jisoo said.

“You really aren’t an ordinary young lady, I see. Then how about this: You can tell me what’s on your mind lately” he suggested.

Jisoo didn’t know what to say. After a while she replied “I’m not crazy. I don’t have anything I could tell you”.

“Who said you’re crazy? Do you think so yourself or did someone say this to you?”

It was true, no one told her she was crazy, everyone just said she needed help.

“Then don’t try to fix me… I’m not broken… I’m… there’s nothing you could help me with” Jisoo stated.

Mr. Lee didn’t say anything for a while, instead he was writing down some things in his notebook. He finally looked up from it, placed the pen on the table and smiled again at her.

“In this case we are done for today”.

Jisoo didn’t understand the meaning of his words. “What do you mean?”

“We’re done for today, you can leave.”

“Just like this?”

Mr. Lee nodded his head. ”You see Ms. Kim, I cannot help you if you don’t want help. If you cannot open up to me our session makes no sense. Therefore, I would suggest we shouldn’t waste each other’s time. Maybe you should think about what you want to achieve during your time here until tomorrow and then we can try to start again”, he suggested and stood up. “I will go eat some cake now. I will see you tomorrow Ms. Kim”. Just like that he left the room. Jisoo stayed behind.

On the one hand Jisoo was more than confused right now. Why would her doctor leave and give up the treatment after only five minutes? On the other hand, he was right. Jisoo didn’t want his help, so why should he waste his time on her? Jisoo was angry with herself. What was she expecting anyways? She decided to go back to her room until the group session in the early evening would start. She had a little less than three hours. She could at least watch some shows on her phone or draw some pictures to decorate her wall. Or maybe she should prepare some school work for the next day? She wasn’t sure, but first she wanted to get out of this room. She was still angry and felt a little bad as well. Mr. Lee seemed like a cute, nice, old grandpa. Maybe she hurt his feelings? Jisoo put away that thought. At least he would have time for cake now. He should be thanking her.

Jisoo went back inside of her room, but what she saw left her speechless. Seokjin was casually standing at the window looking outside. Jisoo froze for a few minutes, just looked at him and felt a tear falling down her cheeks. She wanted to run over to him, but she couldn’t move. She knew this wasn’t real.

“Why are you here?” she finally asked.

Seokjin turned around and smiled at her. It was such a nice, big smile. It warmed Jisoo’s heart. She was so happy to see him, but at the same time she was scared for him to disappear.

“I thought you could need someone to talk to” he replied.

“You’re not really here, are you?” Jisoo wanted to know.

Seokjin’s expression turned sad. “No” he said.

Basically, Jisoo really was going crazy now. She started seeing dead people, but honestly, she didn’t mind. She would rather want to see Seokjin who was dead then not see him at all. Jisoo walked over to her desk and sat down on the chair. She faced Seokjin and smiled. It was so nice to see him again.

“How is it? Do you want to tell me about what happened ever since I’m gone?” he asked her.

Jisoo felt like just a few weeks ago. She would go to the hospital and tell Seokjin what had happened in school, what she ate, what arguments she had… She did the same now. She told him how she dealt with his death, how she somehow ended up here and that she missed him.

“I’m sorry I left you, but maybe the people here can help you deal with it”, he suggested. He didn’t say much throughout the conversation, but it was nice to just see him. Jisoo wasn’t sure what she was seeing. Maybe some sort of spirit or ghost? Or maybe her mind was simply playing a trick on her. Then someone knocked at the door. Jisoo didn’t want anyone to come in, but that person came in anyways. It was Mrs. Bang.

“Ms. Kim, I heard from Dr. Lee that your session didn’t go that well today. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to come to the group sessions. You’re the only one missing at the moment, that’s why I’m here to pick you up.”

Jisoo checked her phone… It was already 4pm! She didn’t notice how fast time went by just talking to her brother. Then she looked at him, but… he was gone. Jisoo stood up in shock. Where did he go to? Why did he leave her alone? “Where…” she wanted to ask but decided to not finish her sentence. If she would tell the people here, that she started to see dead people she would never be able to leave this place.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Bang. I didn’t realize what time it is. I’ll come right away.”

“That’s good then. Please go to the second floor to the big room at the very end. We’ll be waiting for you to start”.

Jisoo didn’t want to think about what just happened right now. She decided to keep away her thoughts for now and go to the group session. She went upstairs and found the room immediately. Everyone was sitting on chairs in a circle. Wow this looked just like in a bad movie where self-supportive groups would meet and talk about their problems. There was one empty seat left, Jisoo assumed it was hers. She sat down and noticed Mrs. Bang sitting there as well. It seemed like she wasn’t only some sort of secretary but a doctor as well.

The session consisted of telling everyone a funny story. Later they had to do some team building tasks. Jisoo wasn’t sure what kind of effect this should have. She thought it was childish and a waste of time. Lucky for her it was over soon. She was already sick of this place. All of this would be of no use to her. The only good thing in here were the food and the teacher. Jisoo was just glad it was over, so she could go back to her room. She threw herself on her bed and put her arm on her face. Now she had time to think about what happened today. School was quite ok; the therapy sessions were a total waste of time and she started to see her brother. She was more than happy with the latter. At least she could talk to him. What if this was the only time? That would mean she still didn’t say goodbye to him. A tear fell down and before Jisoo noticed she cried like a little girl. When she woke up she checked the time on her phone. It was already after 11PM. She didn’t even notice that she fell asleep and she also didn’t know how long she had been sleeping. She had a message notification on her phone but decided to eat something first. She was craving chocolate. Every time she was frustrated she would eat chocolate to lift her mood. She figured that they would have everything here. She went out into the hallway. Everything was dark. It seemed like they really went to bed at 10PM. What was she? A little kid? Even when she was back home she never went to bed before 1AM. It took time to go back home from the hospital in the evening and then she also had to study for tests the next day.

Jisoo found the way to the kitchen without having to turn on the lights. To her surprise there was a light in the kitchen though. Maybe someone else was hungry as well. She went in and found Min Yoongi. He was drinking a glass of water. There was also a small, brown bottle on the counter. It looked like a container for medication. As soon as he finished his glass he took the bottle and put it in his pocket.

“What are you doing?” Jisoo asked.

Yoongi seemed like he didn’t notice Jisoo come in as he was startled. “Yah! At least make a sound! Are you trying to give me heart attack?” he said with a loud voice.

Jisoo looked on the floor, she didn’t expect this kind of reaction. “Sorry…”

He sighed. “Don’t worry, you just scared me. At this time no one is around so I wasn’t expecting you”.

“Why are you around at this hour then?” Jisoo wanted to know.

Yoongi smirked: “I just live here, I can do what I want. The 10PM curfew doesn’t apply to me.”

“That’s unfair!” Jisoo said. She didn’t want to be bothered though. She was still hungry and wanted to eat something. “Do you know if there’s chocolate anywhere?” she asked him.

“We have chocolate ice cream if you want. Everything else is not ready to eat. Mrs. Park cooks everything fresh every day.”

Ice cream it was in that case. It wasn’t hard to find it in the freezer. She also found a spoon within seconds. It seemed like all kitchens on the planet looked the same. “Do you want some as well?” she asked Yoongi.

“Sure” he said. Jisoo took out another spoon and took the spoons and the small bucket full of ice cream into the living room. She sat down on the couch and opened the bucket. Min Yoongi sat down as well and took one of the spoons out of Jisoo’s hand. After a few minutes of them just eating Yoongi asked: “Did you check your phone today?”

“No why?”

“I sent you a message but, in this case, I can just ask you directly. How was it today? I was a little worried, as I know the creep is in your class. Did she do anything crazy?”

“Not really I guess...”

“You guess?” he laughed.

“Well I mean she threatened to kill the other guy in my class” Jisoo said, “but he didn’t seem all that impressed”.

Yoongi’s face became dark. “It’s funny how easily some people talk about death, don’t you think?”, he said in a sarcastic voice

Jisoo looked at him and was wondering what was on his mind.

“Anyway, told you she was creepy” he finally said.

“You don’t have to be here though. Why don’t you just leave if she freaks you out?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“That’s a long story…” was all he replied.

For quite some time no one said anything. Jisoo was fascinated by this guy. Why would someone choose to live with a bunch of crazy people? Why was he so nice to her anyways? At least Jisoo was glad she could talk to him like a normal person. He didn’t see her as a patient and also didn’t talk down to her as everyone else was doing.

“Shouldn’t you be going to sleep? It’s past 12AM” Yoongi said to her.

“Maybe I should, but they took away my sleeping pills…”

Yoongi looked concerned: “Can’t you sleep without them? Any type of pills only destroy you from the inside”.

“What about you then? You were definitely not taking vitamins at this time” Jisoo countered.

“That’s a long story as well… You know what, let me try something. You close your eyes and I’ll tell you a story. Maybe it will make you tired enough. It helped me when I was a little kid.”

“I mean I’m not a kid, but we can try, it’s not going to work though” Jisoo argued.

“Just relax and close your eyes” he demanded.

Jisoo closed her eyes and listened to the story.

               There was a young boy once who wanted to become a basketball player. He practiced everyday like crazy, but he just wasn’t good enough. He lost hope when he saw a butterfly flying around the ball. He wanted to look at it up close, but the butterfly flew away. The boy didn’t know why, but he had the feeling he had to follow the butterfly. He ran after it. After a while the boy was lost in the streets and was wondering why he even followed the butterfly. He realized that he would never be good enough to become a basketball player but instead he could transform into something else, just like a butterfly. From that point onwards, he didn’t care, not matter what anyone else said. He wanted to at least try to become a basketball player even if he would fail in the end. He only lived how he wanted and was guided by his own beliefs. He could have the taste of failure and frustration, but he didn’t worry about it as he was still young and immature. He wanted to go straight through his mistakes and then forget them all. No matter how thorny the road was, he wanted to run. The boy knew that there were too many things in the world that couldn’t be helped but he was too much of an idiot too give up on his dream. In the end he tried to always follow the path of the butterfly to transform into something great. He never gave up.

Jisoo wasn’t happy with the ending of the story: “What happened then? Did he become a basketball player?”

“I don’t know” Yoongi said. “The meaning of the story is to never give up and keep on going to achieve your dream”.

Jisoo was getting really sleeping. Without realizing she put her head down on Yoongi’s shoulder who was still sitting next to her. She closed her eyes. He felt so warm. She felt like all his warmth was transported into her body.

“What if I don’t have a dream? What should I do?” Jisoo asked with closed eyes.

“Then you should find one…” Yoongi replied.