Chapter 28 - you should feel lucky

Jisoo didn’t let go of Yoongi for a little longer. She wanted to recharge herself with energy. Eventually she had to let go and they went inside. Their friends were all sitting around just chatting with each other. Jisoo was nervous. Yoongi who noticed how uncomfortable she felt put his hand on her back to give her a little push. Jisoo was glad that he was by her side, because without him she would never be able to do it. As the two approached the group, their friends noticed them walking in. Their voices stopped abruptly, and all their eyes were on Jisoo. Yoongi only told them that he wanted to meet everyone as he had to tell them something important that they didn’t know so far. He didn’t mention Jisoo at all, therefore it was only natural that all of them were surprised. Jisoo couldn’t read their expressions. Where they shocked to see her here or rather happy? She wasn’t able to distinguish between their facial expressions. The ones that caught her eyes the most were Jennie and Hoseok. Jennie’s eyes were full of sadness that pierced Jisoo’s heart. Jennie probably still felt bad for sort of quitting their friendship after it had only started a few weeks ago. Hoseok on the other hand didn’t even dare to look at her. Was he feeling bad for her, her brother or for Yoongi? Or did he just not want to look at her, because he hated her? Jisoo had no answer.

“I brought a surprise guest” Yoongi tried to joke around to lift the atmosphere. No one was able to say anything though. Yoongi looked at Jisoo and nodded his head then both of them sat down. “The reason why I wanted to meet like this again, is because there are still some things that you don’t know. As I consider all of you as my family, I think it’s only appropriate to tell you, because you deserve to know, and I also want you to understand me and Jisoo a bit more. I know both of us aren’t your friends for as long as the rest of you, but you still accepted us for who we were and I’m really thankful for that” Yoongi started without an announcement.

“Yah Min Yoongi!” Namjoon finally interrupted him. “Why are you making everything sound as if this was goodbye?”

“Actually… I need to tell you something this time”, Jisoo started to take the word. “I know that I made all of your lives really confusing ever since I showed up. From the moment I entered all of your lives, everything just went up and down, but it was the same for me. I’m not the same person I used to be and I’m still in the process of finding out whether I like it or not”, she explained. Nobody said anything and Jisoo couldn’t bear to look at them any longer. She looked on the floor and continued to explain. “As all of you know, my brother died a few months ago. Officially it was due to his cancer, but I believe Yoongi told you what really happened. In reality, he committed suicide and threw himself off the roof of the hospital he was staying in”, Jisoo explained while getting all choked up. It was the first time she talked about Seokjin with anyone besides her parents and Mr. Lee. It felt weird but at the same time she felt as if she broke out of a cage. “As you can imagine it was quite hard on me. My brother… was my light in the darkness, he was my world, my everything. After he was gone, I went a little crazy I guess, because I just didn’t see the point in pretending to be a perfect little family anymore. One thing led to another and I ended up in psychological treatment.” Jisoo looked at Yoongi to see if he was still OK with whatever she was saying. He just smiled at her slightly to encourage her. “That’s also where I met Min Yoongi. It was as if I was finally able to see the light again. I found joy in the little things again. When I’m with him I feel safe and sane as well. But after a while he started to distance himself from me and I didn’t know why. After I got out of that place, I couldn’t go back to my old self, but I could also not move forward without resolving the issues with Yoongi. I guess you all still remember that night at the party. It’s when Yoongi told me the reason for his behavior and that he knew my brother”, Jisoo continued. She noticed that everybody was quite tense as if they didn’t know how to react to her words.     

“I know that it must’ve been hard for you as well. I know that Yoongi told you about my brother quite a bit. However, what Yoongi told you isn’t exactly the truth…”

“Jisoo…” Yoongi interrupted her but Jisoo just looked at him and shook her head. He was worrying about her again. When would he ever think about what was best for himself?

“I don’t know how all of you reacted when he told you his side of the story, but I did blame him. Honestly, I was so devastated, and I felt betrayed. Then I went through Seokjin’s things in his room for the first time since he left me and ended up finding his diary. I read it all and…”, Jisoo was all chocked up. A tear started falling down her cheek. Yoongi took her hand and looked directly at her. He was trying to make her stop talking but Jisoo didn’t want to stop. “After I read everything, I felt even worse. I was blaming Yoongi for something that wasn’t his fault. It turns out that my brother made this decision long before he even got to know Yoongi. Even if the two of them had never met, Seokjin would’ve taken that decision. I guess meeting Yoongi only influenced the timing. The truth is… he did it because of me.”

“Jisoo please…”, Yoongi tried to intervene but Jisoo kept talking.

“He did it because he didn’t want to burden me anymore. He wanted me to live for myself and not for him. He thought that if he was gone, I could finally find my own way. I still blame myself, but I think that’s a burden I will have to carry for the rest of my life and Yoongi as well. The last few days my head felt like exploding. There were so many words in my head that I should’ve said to Seokjin and to Yoongi as well, but I couldn’t take back what I’ve never told them. I was drowning in my own regrets when I coincidently met Yoongi and we tried to resolve the issue.” Jisoo had to wipe away her tears because she couldn’t see clearly anymore. “That’s why I came here like this today. I wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you and how I reacted. I totally understand if you’re disagreeing with my point of view, but to me you are all precious friends. You’re the first people that accepted me for who I am and not for who everyone else thinks I am. Ever since I met you all I was genuinely happy for the first time. I finally enjoyed life again. This is why I want to apologize. I know I still have to work a lot on myself and it’s still a long way to go, however I know that I don’t have to walk this path alone”, Jisoo said while looking at Yoongi.

“That’s what I wanted to let you know… I’m not asking for forgiveness but for your understanding. If you hate me and never want to see me again that’s OK as well. I just don’t want to regret never telling you… I’m sorry”, Jisoo finished her confession, knelt down and put her head on her folded hands in front of her on the floor. Then she started to cry silently while she felt Yoongi’s hand going over her back. For a while no one said anything, the only comfort was Yoongi’s warm hand on her back.

“We never thought it’s Yoongi’s fault and we also never questioned your intentions Jisoo” Jennie said with an unstable voice. Jisoo slowly looked up and saw that all the girls were crying. The boys as well had teary eyes, especially Taehyung and Hoseok. All of them were sort of speechless. Jisoo wondered if they were touched by her apology or if they just didn’t have words left for Jisoo. Jennie came over to Jisoo and hugged her tightly.

“We are sorry for treating you like this, we should’ve resolved this all together. I’m sorry as well for not staying by your side when you needed me. From now on we’ll never let this happen again. You two have our backs ok?” Jennie said without letting go of Jisoo. After no one said anything for a while one of Yoongi’s friends, Jungkook tried to lift the mood. “How about we skip practice today and have a dinner party? Let’s just order all kinds of things and play games outside at the fireplace?”, he suggested while wiping his cheeks. Jisoo was so happy and relieved right now. Even though no one really said it, it seemed as if they accepted Jisoo’s apology. To Jisoo it seemed as if her friends were as awkward with emotions as she was herself. The other boys agreed as well, the girls however were still crying and weren’t able to say anything. After Jennie finally released Jisoo, Cheayoung and Lisa came over to attack her as well. “There is nothing we can say to make up for our betrayal Jisoo, but we’re never gonna let it happen again!” Chaeyoung said. Lisa was still crying too much to be able to say anything.

Jisoo didn’t know what to say. Tears just came out of her eyes. “Stop crying already and help us to order food”, Jimin tried to lift the atmosphere. The other boys agreed and just put their hands on Jisoo’s shoulders and her back. After she calmed down, almost everyone went outside to start the little get together. Only Jisoo, Yoongi, Namjoon and Jennie were left inside. Namjoon stood in front of Jisoo and whipped away her tears with his hands. “Yah, Kim Jisoo. You don’t look nice when you cry… we’re friends don’t forget that. No… actually we’re family and we will always support one another ok?” Namjoon said with a bright smile. Jisoo just nodded because she still wasn’t able to speak. Then Namjoon turned to Jennie and petted her head. Both of the girls were still full of tears, but Namjoon told them to get it together to have fun now. The girls agreed and all of them went outside to join the others and to start the fire at the little fireplace. Yoongi walked right behind Jisoo and whispered “Good Job” into her ear. Just this little whisper made Jisoo feel butterflies. “Yoongi, how about you go buy some drinks with Jisoo at the convenience store close by?” Namjoon suggested and Yoongi agreed. Without asking for Jisoo’s opinion he just started walking. After a few steps he locked back to signal Jisoo to come along. She ran behind him to catch up with his speed. As soon as she was next to him she took his hand. She wanted to hold him as she needed his mental support.

“I guess they’re sending away the Omegas” Yoongi joked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… we joined the pack last so I guess they have to sort out their thoughts right now”.

“Do you think it will be OK even though I lied to them?” Jisoo wondered.

“You didn’t lie… Actually, I’m really proud of you. You just left out a detail. As long as we both know the whole truth it will be fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s OK to have secrets”, Yoongi convinced her. “You know, your brother once said this to me: If you can’t love yourself, you also can’t love other people. You mistake other people’s love and wander. Just remind yourself that our friends are never going to let us down.”

Jisoo didn’t know what to reply. She wasn’t sure what she thought about herself. Did she hate herself or was she OK with the way she was? She didn’t know. The only thing that was certain, was Yoongi by her side. They kept walking down the neighborhood until they reached the convenience store. Both of them didn’t have a problem with silence as it was something both of them were used to, together however it was a comforting silence. Arriving at the store they bought some soft drinks, cups and some paper plates as well as chopsticks for everyone and went back. As they arrived back to meet their friends, they had already started the fire. Hoseok and Jungkook were playing around dancing while others were sitting around the fire. They arranged some pieces of wood to use as a seating arrangement, whereas most of the boys just sat on the ground.

“Guys the drinks are here!” Namjoon called the two dancing guys over while Jisoo and Yoongi approached the group. Jisoo felt a little awkward. She only really knew a little bit about the girls and the boys were basically strangers to her. As if Namjoon could read Jisoo’s thoughts he suggested that the boys should properly introduce themselves to Jisoo. Yoongi started to take out the beverages and arranged the rest of the supplies, while Jisoo sat down next to the girls on a piece of wood. Then the boys started to introduce themselves. It turned out that Jungkook and Jimin had been best friends ever since as both of them grew up in Busan. As both of them were passionate dancers, they received a scholarship to join a High School in Seoul for Contemporary Arts. That was also where they met Hoseok. The three of them became good friends and ended up forming the dance crew. Namjoon had always been super smart and talented as well. He enjoyed making music and therefore his music teacher once enrolled him in a producing competition without his knowledge. He was then invited to the same Arts High School the other three boys were at. The three met Namjoon when they were in the school hallway and had seen Namjoon making music on his laptop. All of them were so impressed that Hoseok walked straight up to him. Namjoon however wasn’t sure if he wanted to pursue music in the future and therefore didn’t accept a place in the High School, as the one he attended was better in ranking. As his family was in Ilsan, Namjoon lived in Seoul alone, because his parents wanted him to take the opportunity to study at a good school. His own high school also offered him a lot of financial support due to his outstanding grades and that was also how he was able to go to New Zealand to study English. That was also the time Namjoon and Jennie had gotten to know each other. The three boys kept annoying Namjoon for as long as they could until Namjoon finally agreed to joining their crew, even though he didn’t really think he could dance. The fifth member to join was Taehyung. He had always been a bright and caring person. What Jisoo didn’t expect was that he had a terrible relationship with his father. His mother had died a long time ago, therefore each conversation with his father was heated. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, Jisoo kind of knew that there was more to the story. Taehyung ended up getting a room in the same student dorm that Jimin, Jungkook and Hoseok lived in. It was a mixed dorm for a few different schools, as a lot of different High Schools were all close by. Taehyung managed to cover the costs by working at two different part time jobs and he also applied for governmental support as the parental problems were also known to the authorities. With his personality however, Taehyung managed to find friends in the dorm quickly. Just by meeting them he also developed a talent in dancing, he didn’t know he had before.

The last member to join was Yoongi. As Yoongi had not been in Seoul for long he didn’t really feel at home at first. He didn’t like to be at his house and therefore often just walked around in the city. One time he had seen the boys dancing on a self-composed track that Namjoon made. Even though Yoongi had never been to talkative or interested in anything, he couldn’t hold back his curiosity. As the boys announced that they made the music on their own before the performance Yoongi wanted to know who exactly made it. He then got to talk to Namjoon and they ended up sharing their phone numbers to discuss their passion further. One thing led to another and somehow the boys managed to involve Yoongi in their crew.

Just listening to their stories Jisoo felt even more awkward. These were genuine people that worked hard to get to the point they were now. None of them had an easy life, as they always had to prove themselves to others. However, it was amazing how they became so close. It was a bond stronger than family. A bond nothing could break that easily. That was one of the reasons why Jisoo could understand their reactions towards Yoongi. No matter what terrible thing any of them would do, they would always have each other’s back. Jisoo was a little jealous and ashamed at the same time. She was ashamed for whining all the time, when other people had a worse life than her. However, these people didn’t complain, they rather tried to make the best out of the situation. That was one of the reasons Jisoo was jealous of. She wanted to learn to live her life that way as well. She wanted to learn to put other people’s needs first and not her own. But most of all she wanted to be included in the family. Jisoo knew that they did accept her in, however it was still just the beginning. She would get to know all of them better over time, but it was a long road to go for them to fully accept her with all her faults.

Jisoo then thought it was only fair to tell them more about her life. She told them about her passion and about what she liked. She also told them about her family and that it was way less perfect than everyone thought it would be. She told them how she never really felt as if she had an identity. The truth was, she didn’t know who she was yet, but she was determined to find out.

Finally, the delivery arrived. All of them were excited to eat the food. When everyone had a full plate and a cup Namjoon started a toast: “To our friends, to our loved ones that can’t be with us today and to the new Jisoo”. It was nice! All of them applauded for Jisoo, all of them cheered her on. She had never felt this sort of support in her live. This was different than her brother cheering for her, as he always did it quietly without a question. These people here were different. They were supporting her with whatever may come next. It was a journey they would take together.

They were eating and playing games the entire evening. Jisoo however, was the only one in her school uniform. She didn’t even think of bringing extra clothes as she had been way too nervous for today. Yoongi, who had been sitting next to her on the ground, noticed that Jisoo was a little cold and got up. He went inside the practice room and brought back a jacked and a hoodie. He put the jacked on top of her legs and handed her the hoodie. Jisoo smiled at him thankfully.

“Yaaaaah!” Jungkook said loudly. Jisoo was confused. What was going on with this reaction?

“You should feel lucky Jisoo”, Namjoon explained while giggling. “If one of us would be cold, he would just let us freeze to death” he laughed. Yoongi just sat down and ignored everyone’s laugh. Jisoo thought it was adorable. All of them kept talking about Yoongi’s weird habits and Jisoo liked it even more. Even though she was wearing one of his hoddies and could smell his fragrance it just wasn’t enough for her. Jisoo got up, walked around Yoongi and sat on the ground. She arranged herself so she could put her head down on Yoongi’s legs. He didn’t refuse and made sure the jacked was covering her legs.

“Woooow. I never imagined someone like the princess Kim Jisoo herself to lie down on the dirty floor”, Jennie said laughing. Jisoo had to think back for a moment. It was true… ever since she met Yoongi she did things that she wouldn’t have done before. She ate streetfood, she walked around with no make up on and with no sense of fashion. She nowadays didn’t care anymore what people thought of her, she didn’t mind dirt on her skin and she didn’t care that some of her friends had a different social status. Jisoo had to smile. Was she going to turn out as a more carefree person than before?

Yoongi looked down on her and smiled as well, then he started to play with her hair like he usually did.

“You guys are gross” Jennie said with a mocking disgusted tone in her voice, while the others started to laugh. Jisoo thought that she could also hear a little jealousy in her friend’s voice. She was sure that there was more than just friendship between Jennie and Namjoon even though none of them would ever admit it. It made Jisoo smile even more. She felt amazing right now. All that mattered in that moment were her friends, Yoongi’s arms around her and her future journey to find herself.

After that day Jisoo was happier than ever before. She could be herself and people liked her that way. She ate lunch with Jennie every day and of course it caused another storm of gossip in the school. Everyone wondered what had happened, but of course no one knew the truth. After school they danced together. Jennie gave back Jisoo the key for the practice room. Even though she missed Yoongi like a mad person, she couldn’t see him every day. Even though they lived in the same city the distance was still too far to meet up daily after school. Of course they could, but it would mean that both of them wouldn’t have the time to dance with their friends and their performance would be affected as well. As Jisoo’s parents liked Yoongi a lot and Yoongi’s parents as well liked Jisoo they had a lot of freedom in their relationship. Their parents didn’t get involved much and in order for it to stay like this, both of them had to keep their grades up. The two arranged a schedule with their friends. Therefore, every Wednesday they didn’t practice at all so Jisoo and Yoongi could meet up alone and everyone else could keep up the pace in school. Friday night was the day the girls and the boys would all meet up regularly. Saturday and Sunday were the only days they didn’t really have a schedule whatsoever. The schedule was annoying for Jisoo, she felt as if she was a kid again, where all of her activities outside of school were scheduled in detail by her mother, but as long as she could meet her friends and Yoongi it was bearable.

Even after a few weeks had past, Jisoo still had a racing heart whenever she was with Yoongi. He made her feel so many things at once. Sometimes Jisoo wondered how her heart could handle it. On a Sunday Jisoo went over to Yoongi’s house for lunch. Yoongi’s parents, especially his mother, were really fond of Jisoo. It was great to feel this approval. The first time Jisoo met them was at her own house. She had been so disoriented back then, that she was afraid what Yoongi’s parents thought of her. Yoongi obviously didn’t care at all whether his parents liked his girlfriend or not but for Jisoo it was important, because she didn’t want to feel awkward and unwelcomed at his house. The first time she came over here was the day Yoongi just introduced her as his girlfriend. His parents did raise their eyebrows and seemed surprised, but at the same time satisfied. Yoongi however was sure that they probably made a thorough background check on her just to find out where they met. Jisoo however didn’t mind. His parents weren’t as bad as Yoongi used to say. They were nice people. However, Jisoo could feel that they didn’t really know how to react towards Yoongi sometimes. It was natural though. They had been away pretty much all his childhood; therefore they didn’t know how to express their feelings to him. Yoongi had always been bothered when they demanded him to eat together, but when Jisoo came over it was ok for him.

This time Yoongi’s mother opened the door for Jisoo.

“You’re early Jisoo, I’m not quite done with our lunch yet”, Yoongi’s mother said happily.

“Oh that’s OK, please take your time madam” Jisoo replied politely. Of course she was early… she couldn’t wait to see him. Yoongi’s mom told her to just go upstairs to his room. She would call them when she was finished cooking. Yoongi’s house was a little similar to hers. It was too big for only three people but it had everything someone could wish for. The biggest difference though were the walls. At her house there were paintings and family pictures everywhere. At Yoongi’s house however there was nothing. Jisoo understood why he never really felt at home here. Some parts of the house looked more like a museum rather than a house. Yoongi’s room however was the exact opposite. He had pictures on the wall, his books were unorganized and it really looked like someone lived there. Jisoo walked into his room and saw Yoongi sitting in front of his laptop. He had headphones on so he didn’t hear Jisoo approaching. Jisoo walked up to him from behind until she reached him. She put her arms around him and folded them on his chest. She kissed the top of his head softly. Yoongi took off his headphones and looked up to stare into Jisoo’s eyes.

“Finally…” Yoongi said. Jisoo couldn’t resist and kissed him on his lips.

“What are you doing?” she wanted to know after she sat on his bed. It looked like an editing program. In fact Yoongi was working on music. He always did this, but Jisoo had actually never seen it with her own eyes.

“Do you remember that you promised to teach me?” she asked. Yoongi was happy to hear that. He showed her what he was working on and also taught her a few steps. The song was amazing! Jisoo often told him to just major in music after High School, but Yoongi wasn’t convinced. Jisoo couldn’t understand how he could let his talents go to waste.

“Can you sing?” Yoongi wondered. Jisoo didn’t know. She never really sang, not even when she was alone in the shower. She had been taught to only speak when it was appropriate. Randomly starting to sing was not included in her upbringing. Jisoo didn’t have an answer.

“I kinda wrote some lyrics. I was wondering how they would sound. Would you mind trying it out for me?” he asked her casually while going through the pages of a notebook in front of him. What? Jisoo sing? She wasn’t sure what to think about it. She didn’t want to do it. What if it sounded terrible? It would be so embarrassing! Yoongi however had this weird power to make Jisoo do things she never would’ve in the past. She took the notebook out of his hands and read the text. Yoongi had a bright smile on his face and started the music for her. He told her to just follow the melody and so she did. It was a weird but at the same time amazing feeling. Even though the first few tones were quite shy she became a little more confident after a few words. She didn’t dare to look at Yoongi though, and had her eyes glued to the words on the paper. After the part was over no one said anything. Jisoo was so embarrassed and the atmosphere was quite tense and awkward as well. Why didn’t he say anything? Was it that bad? After a while of silence Jisoo just had to ask: “What is it?”

“Are you sure you want to become a doctor? We could just major in music together you know…” he said while smiling at her. His eyes were sparkling, and it made Jisoo’s heart jump around in her body. She had to look away because she was too embarrassed and didn’t want him to see her blushing face. He probably saw it anyways but didn’t say anything about it. It was such an awkward situation but Jisoo was lucky because then she heard Yoongi’s mom calling them to come eat lunch.

Yoongi got up and sighed, “here we go…” Yoongi whispered annoyed. He took Jisoo’s hand and they went downstairs to pretend. Both of them hated to pretend to be someone they aren’t but sometimes they just had to. Sometimes there was no other way.