#np MonstaX's Myself

2019

Bona… She just, changed.

She smiled, but it appeared crooked in an uncomfortable way, nothing like the way she would smile at me the first time I showed her room when she first moved into my apartment. No more childish giggles inside the house like when we watched Lee Jongsuk’s drama many months ago.

Those fake smiles appeared even more crooked every time we met her parents. Her hands would creep around me as she talked to her father, she would also exaggeratingly say many great things about me when most of them was not true.

When we went back home, Bona would then turn back to her cold and emotionless self.

The distance between me and her just grew further.

That night when Bona burst out crying right before I could kiss her, that’s when she started to change.

That night…

After talking to Bona’s father, I thought I could erase all the horrible feelings that had been stuck up inside my chest that night by kissing her, make love to her like what her father would expect me to do.

But her sudden outburst took me aback.

All of my efforts in making this marriage work turns out to be things that she solely hates.  She didn’t want me to even touch her.

Does it mean that she’s starting to despise me?

Sure, I did so many wrong things to her, despicable things, stupid things. No surprise if she hates me to bits by now...

That’s why since that night, I couldn’t go near her.

That’s why I quit.

There’s also something different with Bona’s father. Apart from his deteriorating health, he seemed to be acting differently towards me, ever since we had the conversation in his study room a few weeks ago. I know it’s all because of the conversation we had on that awful night.

But strangely, he never mentioned anything about it to me.

He just went cold, nothing more.

Just like Bona.

I can’t lie, I hate this. This cold war but I know I’m at fault too. It’s just one simple favour from him but I can’t fulfil it. And I just can't stop feeling horrible because of it.

Maybe I deserve this.

The sound of the door clicking shook me from my thoughts. I straighten my posture on the couch and turn to the direction of the door, just to see Bona walking sluggishly towards the kitchen but there’s something different with her face.

She appears dazed.

I get up after I turned the TV off and walk hastily towards her.

“Bona?”

“Uh? Yes?” She answered my call and takes a seat on the stool by the counter.

“You’ve eaten?” I asked while resting my arms on edge of the kitchen’s counter in front of her right after I put a glass of plain water on it.

“Y-Yes.” She tries to pull up a smile but fails miserably. Hastily, she gulps the water, trying to avoid my gaze.

“You’re okay? You look pale.”

“I-I’m fine.”

Not too long after that, her phone starts to ring. Her brows arch, her eyes grow wider when she had her sight onto the phone screen that I start to feel curious. Bona glances at me a few times before she gets up and answers it.

“Yes… I’m already inside… Excuse me?!”

I can hear her shriek before her voice disappears inside her room’s thin walls.

Did something bad happened?

***

I tried to ask her about last night but she only shrugged it off. Work problem, she was just too tired, she said… But strangely, I think I was more than that. Since last night, it’s as if her energy’s drained off so fast, and so greatly too.

Is she sick?

Shaking my head, I turn my attention to the case files I’m studying. I realize it’s quite a while since I’ve flipped this page. So it turns out that I actually made not much of a progress… I lean my back further on my chair, sighing. It’s already 1 am when I glanced at my watch.

Maybe I should take a break and have a drink.

“Don’t you think it’s too fast?”