#np Huh Gak's Tears Like Today

2019

His eyes… Even in this dim light, they are filled with gloom and despair. As he stares deeper into my own, my breath hitches, my heart hurts. Heaviness starts to fill inside my chest. Instead of feeling elated at his request, I worry. Something’s wrong with Wonho tonight, something terrible must’ve happened to him.

And I’d do anything to erase all of his sadness away.

“You want to talk to me about anything, Wonho-ssi?”

I can feel the hold onto my hand loosened and soon, he let go.

“No…” He looks down onto the carpeted floor, biting his lower lip. He inhales a deep breath and let go.

“It’s just… I just feel horrible.”

He sniffs while having his head down. Somehow, sadness also starts to overwhelm me as I stare at his pitiful figure.

If he feels that way, why did he ask for a kiss? I’m puzzled.

I can’t find any answer but to carefully wrap my arms around his neck. Even though his figure is much a greater build than mine, tonight he oddly feels small. With his forehead buried on my shoulder, it doesn’t take long for his stiff body to slowly relax and we stay that for quite a while.

In this silence, his regular breathings, the cyphre scent of his body sent warmth into my heart as I gently pat his back.

When we break the hug, Wonho still doesn’t let go of my shoulders. My heart starts to pound hard when he has his thumb and index finger onto my chin.

He really means it, about the kiss.

I still can’t smell any slightest hint of alcohol in his breath ever since he came into my room. He’s definitely sober but why is he acting this way? But still, I can’t keep my eyes away from those addictive lips… I gulp, trying to steady my breathings. Right now, I wish nothing but for him to come closer.

Just when our lips are inches apart, he halts.

“Would you let me?”

His hot breath hits my lips, the temptation inside me is too high but as I shift my gaze onto his eyes, I stop. The look in them… It changed but I can’t tell what kind of gaze it has turned into. Desperation? Despair? Lust?

Love?

I’m suddenly curious.

“W-Why?” That word came out like a gasp.

Yes, just why.

He flinches just when he was about to catch my lips onto his.

This is not right.

I take a few steps back, freeing myself from his hold and turn my back on him.

“Why can’t I, Bona?”

“Because you don’t love me.”

The truth that came out from my own lips is so painful for me to bear. My voice was shaking. I swallowed my tears as I said those words but strangely, tears keep pooling in my eyes.

“Because this marriage will be over. Because I know you’re just feeling guilty –“

I can’t finish my sentence when I can suddenly feel a pair of sturdy arms wrapped around my shoulders from behind, pulling me close into his firm chest.

“Just let me make you happy, Bona. I already promised you and your father. I can’t disappoint him anymore.”

That answer…

In the end, stupid tears endlessly fall. I can’t hide it anymore, I cried like a small child that Wonho quickly releases his hold and spins my body to face his. He’s clearly taken aback by my abrupt break down, the look of panic is written all over his face.

“W-Why are you crying?”

He tries to rub my tears away but I quickly swat his hand away.

“Idiot! Stop forcing yourself! I’ll feel worse if you do this!” I cried, it’s as if everything that’s been bottled inside me has finally been let out, all of the frustration I kept. “Just stop…”

I don’t know why I feel this mad, this frustrated. It’s just that I hate his answer, I hate it to bits. Everything that he has done, all the kisses, holding each other’s hands and even the hug just now…

The thought of him doing all of those just because he wanted to fulfil his stupid promise upsets me that I’m crying this badly.

‘It’s because I love you, Bona.’

I just want to listen to this one answer from him.

But sadly, it didn’t happen and I feel like tearing my chest out because of it.

“Stop crying, Bona… I-I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry!”

I broke down even more that I hastily run into the bathroom and cry my heart out.