#np Ra.D's Can't Forget Anything

2019

I hate him, I hate how he’s acting all nice like this towards me when I did the otherwise. He should’ve ignore me like I did to him. Every day, I told myself that I’m already over this stupid feelings but sadly, I can’t help but to care. Has he already taken enough sleep? Has he eaten? Those questions always popped into my mind whenever I thought of him.

Sometimes I wonder, should I forget everything and act as if nothing happened between us, all the stupid confession 8 years ago as well as his drunken night, and continue to live a peaceful life with him? But then again, I know I would fall deeper if I did that. Like the law of physics said, the higher you jump, the greater the damage you’d contract.

I’d just hurt myself in the end.

Dammit. I just don’t know what to do. I hate myself for being like this.

The sound of the chair on my left shook me from my daydream. He’s here that I start to tremble again... I thought I had lost him when I got out of the hotel.

Deep breath…

I close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to calm myself down and turn to look back at the view outside.

Not too long after that, it starts to rain. Usually, hearing the sound of the rain always calms my mind but now, this strange quivering still won’t go away.

Maybe it’s because he’s here.

“Remember our school days, Bona-ya?” His deep voice vibrates into my ears.

We never talked about our high school days... My heart starts to beat faster. High school days, such childish days… Those days are filled with him, a small circle of friends, teachers and exams.

Days that I wish I could go back and change everything.

“It was rainy like this, I’d always check on you at the study room and bring you coffee whenever exam periods were near.”

Yes, I remember that vividly. My heart fluttered the first time he did that. At the time, I thought, ‘Oh, he never did this to any other girl but me. I must’ve been special…’ Then on the next exam month, I would wait for him at the study room and pretend to be asleep so that he would come and bring me that same can of black coffee.

How silly…

My vision’s getting blurrier as I recall that memory. It’s frustrating on how I couldn’t stop myself at that time. I shouldn’t have started all this mess. If I knew this kind of pain is going to hit me, I’d stop long ago.

“I’ve always wanted to talk to you about things like that… I know things happened but the truth is, not a single day in my life since you left that I hoped for you to come back home and we would talk to each other again about old memories with smiles on our faces. You’re still very precious to me, Bona.”

Stop. How I wish he would stop.

“B-Bona, I –“

“I want to forget. Everything… I want to forget them, so that my heart won’t stupidly flutters because of things you did to me back when we were young. The way you patted my head whenever I achieved something, the look in your eyes whenever we ate and talked to each other, the way you would bring food and come all the way to my house to teach me English. Even the day we first met, I want to forget them. All.”

My throat feels dry, my chest hurt as I said those words to him. No, I didn’t mean what I said. Those memories… They are so dear to me, I don’t want to forget. That time, liking him by myself was blissful enough. But that temporary bliss has turned into a nightmare, a nightmare that I don’t want to wake up to because I’m afraid if I did, I’d lose him.

“We shouldn’t have ever met again…”

I can’t hold it any longer. When I turn my back, tears immediately fall but I quickly brush them away with my fingers. I have to leave, I can’t cry in front of him again but right when I step outside of the small café, I instantly take a step back.

It suddenly starts to pour harder but no, I can’t get back inside. I have to run through the downpour but before I can make my way, an arm is suddenly wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me back, close into his firm chest.

I recognize this familiar chypre scent. It’s Wonho.

“You can’t get sick, Bona. Let’s go.”  His voice quivers as he instantly open his umbrella when I look up to him. My body gave up as we walk together towards the hotel under the same umbrella.

The way he firmly has his arm around me, the warmth of his body, his addicting scent…

I just can’t stop.

*

“What do you want me to do?”

“This marriage shouldn’t have ever happened.”

He pauses at my remarks. Wonho then brings his palm onto his face and lets out a deep sigh. The atmosphere inside the room turns gloom, I feel like crying again but I blink repeatedly and bring my head up, take a deep breath, slowly exhaling.

“Okay... We’ll file for a divorce. Two years at least. Or when your father’s condition getting better if you want it earlier. How’s that?”

I hold my breath when he uttered the word ‘divorce’.

“If it’s that what you want.”

“What do you want, Wonho-ssi?”

His body at the end of the bed freezes when I ask that question. The brief silence deafens my ears before he starts to speak again.

“I want what you want, Bona.”

I sniff, scrunching the hem of my shirt tight.

The rain outside slowly ce