Seungwan knew she was in a dream as her sister’s back faced her.

“It’s not your fault, Seungwan.”

“It isn’t? Really?”

Turning to face Seungwan, a sorrowful smile graced Jessica’s face.

“Really. It was as Taeyeon had said. I am happy that you were happy and I will continue to be happy as long as you are.”

Tears streamed down as she listened. Despite knowing that this was a dream, Seungwan could not resist the urge to lunge forward and hug her sister.

“I miss you Sooyeon, Jessica, whoever you choose to be. I want to hear your voice again, I want to share my problems with you again. And I want to listen to your troubles too. Why can’t I do so?”

Jessica lifted her hand to caress her younger sister’s face lovingly.

“You can’t… I’m sorry to you too.”

It broke Seungwan’s heart to hear her sister blunt admittance. “Jessica, tell me what exactly happened. Why? Was it simply depression? Was it?”

Jessica had pulled away from their hug and looked at Seungwan in the eyes. There was so much grief in them that Seungwan wished she could endure it for her sister.

“Tell me, Jessica. Was it as Taeyeon had said? Was there truly something else?”

Jessica merely shook her head and backed away from Seungwan, her form slowly ebbing away.

Seungwan became frightened. This was just a dream and it might be a long while before she could have such an amiable conversation with her sister again.

“Don’t go, Jessica.”

Joohyun was jolted awake when she felt Seungwan trembling in her arms. Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, Joohyun wondered if she should wake the girl up. Seungwan muttered and fidgeted even more however this time, there were no tears. Perhaps this was an improvement for Seungwan.

Before Joohyun could decide, Seungwan’s eyes had shot open. As if still immersed in her dream, Seungwan darted her eyes around. She lowered her eyes embarrassedly when she found Joohyun staring intently at her.

Joohyun tilted Seungwan’s face up with a finger and gave her a smile.  

“A dream about your sister?”

Seungwan gritted her teeth. “Y-Yea…”

“What was it about?” Joohyun prompted gently.

“We had a really friendly conversation with each other this time round.”

Joohyun nodded.

Seungwan held her head as she tried to recall the details.

“Joohyun, I have decided to try and find out what happened to my sister. What could perhaps be the trigger for her suicide.”

Joohyun thought she felt a sense of relief emanating from her chest. Like a cork that has been popped from the bottle. With an assuring smile, Joohyun nodded and said, “I will support you along the way. Take your time, Seungwan.”

Seungwan tucked her legs towards her body. “And I have decided to come out to my parents.”

Joohyun’s worries grew. “Seungwan… you want to tell your parents even after knowing…” Joohyun had to pause before she could utter the following, “knowing… what your sister has suffered through?”

Seungwan closed her eyes and maintained her silence for a while before reopening them. “Yes, I will come out to them about my uality but I will not tell them that I am in a relationship.”

“But why?”

“I got a sense that this might be the first key step to me finding out why my sister took the path she did. And besides, after hearing what Taeyeon told us… I became more convicted of my earlier decision. I don’t want to live a life where I have little to no control.

“Joohyun… I’ve ever done a terrible thing to my sister. I accused her of living an indignant life and I regret it so much now. I just realised that all these while, I have been the one who is escaping the situation. I hid all my activities from my father because I was afraid of confronting him directly. I am the one who is living an indignant life.”

Joohyun had lunged forward and embraced her tightly right then. “I don’t want you to think that of yourself. Seungwan, no matter what you have done it is all in the past. … . … Please give it some more thought. Seungwan, I don’t want you to be hurting.”

Seungwan returned her embrace. “I am sorry… I sounded like a wimp don’t I?”

“No, you don’t.”

“I do. I know that, Joohyun. I hate this part of myself too. But I promise you that I will think consider this through. I won’t do it so soon anyway, perhaps after our finals, perhaps sooner, perhaps later. I don’t know… I just don’t want us to be too affected.”

Joohyun breathed a sigh of relief and nodded eagerly. “That is enough time for you to think thoroughly.”

Seungwan managed a small smile and Joohyun’s back. “President, you sound like you were going to faint for a second there.”

Joohyun’s urgent nods that came later almost made Seungwan laugh.

“I thought you were going to dash back to your parent’s house and confront them. I was half-ready to chain you up until you have dispelled of those thoughts.”

Seungwan truly laughed right then and pulled away from her girlfriend to have a good look at her face.

“Really? You really thought I would do all those? And you are really thinking of using a chain on me?”

Joohyun wore a pout on her face and nodded. “Really…”

All the sombreness from earlier dissipated as Seungwan beheld Joohyun’s adorable face and revelled in her cute antics.

Seungwan inhaled deeply before she spoke. “I’m sorry for making you anxious, Joohyun. I promise to do my best to not overthink and steer away from negative thoughts.”

Joohyun nodded and the comforted look on Joohyun was all Seungwan asked for or nearly all of what she asked for. Seungwan topped it off with a kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead and got the pleasure of seeing Joohyun’s face radiate with heat.

“Seriously… you keep doing that,” Joohyun said shyly as she palmed her own face in an attempt to dispel the heat.

Letting out a snort of laughter, Seungwan kissed Joohyun again, this time round on one of the back of her palm.

“Son Seungwan…” Joohyun whined a little.

“Yes? My Bae Joohyun.” Seungwan asked sweetly.

Joohyun looked fondly into Seungwan’s eyes before pulling her girlfriend into another hug. “I love you. Please be well.”

A dull ache developed in Seungwan’s chest. Seungwan had made Joohyun worry again. “I love you too and I will be well.” For you.

**

Finals soon creeped in on them. Yet, even during that time, the Blue Vanguards had never let up with their practices and performances. Joohyun wondered out loud how Seungwan could keep up with her grades and maintain such a busy lifestyle. Seungwan had kept to her promise of keeping her mind free from negative thoughts about her sister. Being with her band members actually helped and studying with Joohyun helped even more. Seungwan would always reply to Joohyun’s touches with a sneaky smile and a sudden kiss to Joohyun’s lips. The calm before the storm. Both Joohyun and Seungwan knew it.  

That night, Seungwan had returned home for a long overdue dinner with a distinct objective in her mind. To come out to her parents.  

Her mother had been elated to hear that Seungwan was finally returning home for dinner. The dinner was as Seungwan’s mother had promised, a tranquil one. After their dinner, Mrs Son had implored Seungwan to return home during the summer and enquired even more about wellbeing. Guilt gnawed deeper now that she was faced with her mother.

Seungwan tried to be a good daughter and gave her parents appropriate updates. It was a good lead in to her true agenda after all.

The atmosphere was peaceful and Seungwan felt a little regretful that she might be shattering it.

“Father, mother, I actually have something I need to tell you.”

It was odd that Seungwan should sound to uptight in such a relaxed environment and that naturally caught her parents’ attention.

“What is it Seungwan?” Her mother started, unable to keep the anxiousness out of her tone. “You know you can tell us anything right?” Her mother coaxed.

Seungwan hesitated for a moment and her eyes met with her father’s for a brief moment before she veered away.

Mr Son cleared his throat. “If you have something to say then do it with conviction. The night is not getting any younger.”

Her father was right. Do it with conviction. And so, Seungwan did it.

“I like girls,” Seungwan said bluntly.

There was a moment of stunned silence.

“W-What?” Her mother choked. If Mr Son had been surprised, he had done well enough to not let it show.

“When did you find out?” Mr Son asked, in a business-like manner.

“Several years ago. Before Jessica’s death.”

There was something in her father’s eyes and Seungwan noticed it. Something that resembled slightly of… guilt?  

“Seungwan… did you… find out about your sister? Somehow?” Mrs Son asked, clearly in distress, her eyes darting between her husband’s and her daughter, almost as if she were ready to take control of the situation should it turn awry.  

Seungwan steeled herself as she made it an effort to look into both her parents’ eyes. Fortunately, Taeyeon had told her about her elder sister if not Seungwan might have died of a surprise when her mother had said that