Joohyun had fallen asleep by their study desk while studying for the finals. On their desk, beside her face, was a cup of instant ramen and the sight of it made Seungwan’s brows furrow. Knowing that Seungwan would be out for her family dinner, Joohyun clearly did not bother about getting proper dinner for herself. If Seungwan had done the same, she was certain Joohyun would give her an earful. Seungwan sighed as she paced over to her girlfriend and cleared the instant bowl of food. 

Remembering that she had brought food back from her house, Seungwan then went to heat the food containers up in the pantry. Soon after, she returned to their room to wake Joohyun up.

Rubbing her eyes sleepily, Joohyun stretched a little and grimaced when she heard a crack in her joint. The sight of it amused Seungwan so much that she thought she could be entertained for life just by watching her sleepy girlfriend. A sheepish smile slowly materialised on Joohyun’s face as she pulled Seungwan in for a hug. It was Joohyun’s hug that enabled Seungwan to cast away her heavy emotions from earlier. Joohyun’s hug always had an instant effect of warming her heart.

“You’re back. It’s so late,” Joohyun complained a little when the peeled away from each other, detecting the smell of cigarette on her girlfriend.

She fiddled with a lock of Seungwan’s hair and sniffed at it playfully as well.  

“Yes, I’m back. Sorry, I met Taeyeon after having dinner at home,” Seungwan replied with a wry smile.

That fully woke Joohyun up. “You met Taeyeon? For what?”

“To pass her some of my sister’s belongings.”

Joohyun was momentarily surprised into silence but later offered a smile of condolence to Seungwan. “How was Taeyeon? And how are you?”

Seungwan wiped her face with her hand and sighed heavily. Now, as she was facing Joohyun, she felt as though she was barely above the surface of the water and was at the risk of drowning in her own dark thoughts again.

“Taeyeon was moved I think, hopefully I did not ruin her night.” Then, after a short pause, Seungwan added, “I am fine.”

“These days, when you say you are fine, I usually won’t believe it.”

Joohyun still read her all the same.

Seungwan shut her eyes. “Just a little sentimental I guess. I gave her the originals of my sister’s works, her handwritten song lyrics.”

Joohyun had knowledge about those lyrics since Seungwan had told her about them and knew just how much her sister’s work had meant to her. Her girlfriend nodded and reached a hand out to Seungwan’s face. “You did well.”

“Enough about me. What did you have for dinner.” Seungwan mustered a stern look as she asked.  

As if only just realising that her instant cup noodle was missing, Joohyun whipped her head around. Her eyes finally settled on Seungwan’s and her earlier sheepish smile returned.

“I had instant cup noodles,” Joohyun confessed.

Seungwan sighed in defeat. “Are you still hungry?”

Joohyun pouted a little as she patted her belly. “I think so.”

“Thought you might be. I’m heating some food up now. Get them from the microwave while I take my shower.”

The glimmer in Joohyun’s eyes told Seungwan that her girlfriend had understated her hunger and she shook her head in amusement.  

When Seungwan was done with the shower, she was surprised that Joohyun had not touched her food yet and was instead waiting for her to be done.

Seungwan pursed her lips. “I have already eaten, I am not hungry.”

Joohyun nodded with a smile. “I know, I was waiting for you to feed me.”

“Seriously? Are you a child?”

Joohyun nodded again, with her eyes rounded with interest.

Seungwan had to laugh at that and she appreciated Joohyun’s attempt at cheering her up.

Unsurprisingly, Joohyun ate hungrily and did not wait for Seungwan to feed her. Seungwan watched with her head propped up on one hand.

“Eat slowly, you look like you are starving.”

With a spoon in and a huge smile on her face, Joohyun nodded. Seungwan did not wish the shatter the smile on Joohyun's face but she decided to not withhold what she had done during her family dinner. 

“Joohyun… I came out to my parents.”

Joohyun choked and she stared wide-eyed at Seungwan in disbelief. “Y-You really did that? I thought you went back just for a dinner? You didn’t tell me.”

Seungwan flashed an apologetic smile as she held Joohyun’s hand.

“I didn’t want to worry you. You were studying. I am sorry I told you I might be doing it after our finals. I just thought it was a good opportunity for me to do so.”

Joohyun’s brows were knitted with worry but she seemed to not be able to conjure up anything to say to Seungwan.

Seungwan felt bad and her earlier emotions had returned with a vengeance. It was harder than she had thought and she applaud her sister for taking that brave first step. Seungwan could sense the disgust in her parents’ expression yet they were not too harsh on her. Not yet. Seungwan guessed it must have been because of their experience with Jessica coming out to them first. The thought of it took a dig at her heart, as if someone had stuck a knife permanently in there.

If her parents had still reacted so negatively to her coming out then Jessica must have suffered worst.  

Joohyun had realised that Seungwan had recessed into frequent silences as of late and knew that times like these, she should be the cheery one. Even if she might look or sound a little silly, Joohyun did not mind as long as she could lift Seungwan’s moods.

“I have a feeling that my dad knows something more about Jessica’s death. It is just an inkling and a lot of guessing but… I don’t know… My parents confessed that my sister came out to them before.”

“They did?”

Joohyun could not mask her surprise. She had always wondered how difficult it must have been for children belonging to rich families and strict parents to admit their unconventional ual preferences. Yet, Seungwan had done it, for their sake, for her sake. A sense of foreboding washed over Joohyun and she could not help but deepen her worry.

“Yea. My mother was the one who let slip.”

“Then how did they react to you?”

“Not too well but the topic got diverted halfway to my sister. Actually… I was the one who diverted it.”

Seungwan then explained what happened to Joohyun placing emphasis on her father’s response and pausing at times to keep her emotions in check. At the end of it, Seungwan said something that punctured Joohyun’s heart.

“I got a feeling that my parents thought my sister was a disgrace, like how I would be. I think they might even want to change me or wish for a different daughter or even get rid of me…”

Warning sirens went off in Joohyun’s mind and she threw her arms around Seungwan before her girlfriend could say anything more. “Don’t think like that, Seungwan. You are not a disgrace. Whatever your parents might think of you, I don’t want you think of it that way. You are my pride, I am proud to have you as my girlfriend.”

Joohyun heard a trembling intake of breath from Seungwan then felt her girlfriend remove her arms gently.

“I will try not to. Don’t worry about me, Joohyun. Let’s focus on our final examinations first.”

Apprehension still filled Joohyun’s heart because she could see the broken parts of Seungwan in her eyes and she held firmly onto her girlfriend. “Really? Are you really okay.”

The smile that Seungwan wore did not convince Joohyun one bit. “I will be okay, love. Joohyun, weren’t you studying? Shall we study together?”

“Don’t try to divert the topic, Seungwan. I want to know if you truly think you will be okay.” Joohyun made herself sound fiercer now.

Shutting her eyes, Seungwan then gave a subtle shake of her head.

Joohyun bracketed Seungwan’s face with her tiny hands and kissed Seungwan on her forehead. Her heart ached.

“Then you should have told me, you silly.” Joohyun chided and said. “How bad do you feel? Did you feel vomit?”

Seungwan sighed. Joohyun already knew body reactions towards such triggers so well.

“I managed to hold it in.”

Joohyun narrowed her eyes. “You shouldn’t have ridden back here alone.”

Seungwan shrugged nonchalantly. “It was late, I just wanted to get back to you as early as possible.”

With a raised brow and a reproachful look on her face, Joohyun scolded her girlfriend. “What if you out?”

“I felt a lot better after.”

“Did you speed?” Joohyun asked severely.

The look on Seungwan’s face gave the answer away.

She did. Now, equal parts of anger and fear gripped Joohyun’s heart and she laid her feelings bare on her face.  

Seungwan kept quiet for a moment before she muttered, “I’m sorry.”

Joohyun did not know which broke her heart more; Seungwan speeding at the expense of her safety or the guilt-ridden apology. Joohyun did not like to make her girlfriend apologise, especially not when Seungwan was already feeling so lousy. However, if it came to matters of safety, Joohyun could never compromise. She felt herself shiver at the thought of Seungwan getting into a road accident.

“Please Seungwan, don’t ever speed, again.”  Joohyun said with a firm yet gentle voice.