Chapter 43: Loser.

“Youngjae” Daehyun knocked on the bathroom door and nobody answered “Youngjae...” Daehyun knocked again and this time he noticed that the door was open and without a second thought, he went inside. Right at that moment Youngjae stepped out of the shower and their eyes locked. It wasn’t the first time Daehyun saw Youngjae half- and Youngjae didn’t used to care at all, but after Daehyun’s love confession, everything had changed. Youngjae, all red flushed from head to toe, grabbed the nearest towel and quickly wrapped it around his waist.

    “I thought you escaped through the window” Daehyun tried to explain why he entered the bathroom without permission, he didn’t want Youngjae to think he was a ert. Everything was awkward after the damn confession. “You’ve been in the bath for hours” Daehyun averted his eyes and turned around and anxiously played with his hands.  

    “There's no window here” Youngjae said “Besides, we're on the 15^th floor, how the hell would I escape? I'm not Spiderman”

    “Sorry, I...”

    “Just leave so I can put clothes on”

    “Sorry...” Daehyun mumbled and rushed off.

Daehyun returned to the living room and walked back and forth with his arms crossed. The suspense was killing him. He needed to know how Youngjae felt about him now that he knew his feelings for him. He cold sweated and gasped for air, his pulse sky rocketed, he still couldn’t believe he got balls to say I LOVE YOU to Youngjae.

    “Hey” Youngjae showed up with his hair still damp. He wore a black sweater with white and blue stripes and jeans.

    “Hey…” Daehyun held his breath and waited for Youngjae to continue their conversation.

    “It's not raining anymore, we can eat outside”

    “Are you serious?” The elder's eyes almost popped out of his head.

    “Yeah, I’m starving”

    “What about our conversation?”

    “What conversation?”

    “What conversation?”

    “Yeah, what conversation?”

    “You gotta be kidding me” Daehyun said, flustered. Youngjae was playing dumb like Daehyun never said I LOVE YOU to him “I said I LOVE YOU!!! Remember?”

    “And?”

    “And?”

    “Yeah, and?” Youngjae rubbed his neck and wished to be Houdini and just fade “What do you want me to say?”

    “I don’t know” Daehyun threw up his hands in frustration “What are you feeling? What are you thinking? Are you disgusted? Shocked? Mad? Confused? You gotta be feeling something! You want to punch me?!”

    “Why would I want to punch you?”

    “I don't know! You're a guy and I'm a guy and I told you that I LOVE YOU!!! It’s understandable if you’re grossed out!!! It’s fine if you want to hit me!!!”

    “You’re overreacting” Youngjae chuckled “I didn’t hit Himchan when he said he wanted to me”

    “This isn't a joke! I'm serious when I said... when I say I LOVE YOU!!!” Youngjae was the most frustrating thing ever, Daehyun thought “You have to say something!!! Anything!!! I never thought I could fall for someone this crazy, so crazy I’m going crazy… I know you’d never love me back, but I ended up confessing my feelings for you anyway… So please, say something…”

    “I don’t know” Youngjae exhaled sharply. Hours ago he cornered Daehyun and made him confess. Now he was the one who was cornered “Look… I… What do you want me to say? You already said it all… I don’t love you back” The younger’s words hurt more than a thousand punches “And the truth is that you don’t love me either. You’re just confused. Natalie left and you're redirecting your feelings and desires to me because we hang out a lot...”

    “Look, you need to get out more, meet more people, you know, you have to go out with girls…”

    “You want me to go out with girls?”

    “Yes, go out with girls... or boys… if that’s your thing… You’ll realize that I’m right. I’m just an infatuation. You’ll get over me soon” 

    “You aren’t an infatuation”

    “Come on, you barely know me. We just met a few weeks ago, besides... even though your feelings are real... I don’t reciprocate. I’m already in love with someone else”

    “Don't tell me it's Lizzy”

    “Of course it’s not her, I haven’t seen her in years”

    “Then who is she? It’s a she, right? Right?”

    “Why you want to know?” Youngjae backed away, reluctant.

    “I just want you to be happy... If she makes you happy, I'm happy... I'll be able to move on...”

    “I don't wanna say”

    “Please, I’ll never bother you again”

    “It’s Dasom. I love Dasom”

    “What's the matter with you?!!!” Daehyun yelled at the top of his voice “You said I can't love you because I barely know you, so how on earth can you love Dasom if you barely know her?! You just met her a few weeks ago!!!”

    “It’s different”

    “Why? It’s because Dasom is a woman and I'm a man? It’s ok if you have feelings for her, but it’s wrong if I have feelings for you?”

    “I didn’t say your feelings are wrong... I just don’t love you. I LOVE DASOM”

    “You can’t love Dasom!!! You can’t!!!”

    “I can. I started having feelings when I saw her in a wedding dress at one of the photo shoots. And when Nahyun broke up with me and Dasom was there, I wasn’t sad, I was happy because she was with me, that’s when I realized that I had fallen in love with her. I don’t care about Nahyun anymore as long as Dasom is with me, she’s everything I want”

    “You don’t understand” Daehyun shook his head, he wanted to say You can’t love her because she’s not real!!! She’s me!!! I am me!!! You love me!!! Dasom wasn’t the one who was with you!!! I, Daehyun, was the one who was with you during all that time!!! You want me!!!

    “Ok, I know it’s weird. She’s your sister, your twin… actually… but”

    “No!!! You don’t know!!! You don’t know anything!!! There are things about her you don’t know…”

    “You’re right, there are many things I don’t know about her, but the things I know, I love her. She’s beautiful on the outside and on the inside as well. She’s smart, kind, funny, cute, hardworking…”

    “I love her smile, I love to make her laugh. Her laughing is music to my ears. I used to think Nahyun was perfect, but Dasom is more than perfect. She’s all I’ve ever wanted and more” Youngjae’s feelings for Dasom seemed so genuine that Daehyun wasn’t able to burst his bubble. The little courage he had to say I’m Dasom died away and the next thing he did was to go to his room, pack his things and leave for the train station. Youngjae did nothing to stop him.

Daehyun was used to waking up with the delicious smell of breakfast made by Bang Yongguk, but that day, the elder was at his real job, he had a lead in the drug case and Daehyun had an empty fridge.

    “I know, I’m starving too” Daehyun said as Ganji barked at the fridge loudly “We can go out and have breakfast in a fancy restaurant…” Suddenly, the doorbell rang “Maybe it’s Yongguk hyung with food” The young man went to open and found Jongup.

    “I’m glad to see you too” the photographer said as he saw disappointment in the other’s face.

    “Sorry, I’m starving, last night I went to bed without eating” Daehyun led him to the living room.

    “I can’t imagine you going bed without eating” Jongup mocked.

    “I’m not always eating” Daehyun said and that was the truth. It was hard to eat when he spent hours thinking about Youngjae. He hadn’t seen him again since he took his stuff and left the hotel. For a delusional moment, Daehyun thought Youngjae would go after him, he even waited in the train station, but Youngjae never showed up.

    “We can go out” Jongup said, unaware of Daehyun’s feelings.

    “Can we?”

    “I already ate, but I don’t mind eating again just to be with you” Jongup said “But first let me ask you something”

    “I’m an open book”

    “Have you sent the photo for the contest yet?”

    “I won’t participate. I don’t have any photo”

    “But you went all the way to Busan to take photos!”

    “Those pics didn’t come out well”

    “I don’t believe you. You’re the greatest photographer ever. You can take the best pictures ever with your eyes closed”

    “You think too highly of me, I’m just a loser” Daehyun sometimes felt like a loser, but after Youngjae brushed his feelings off so easily, he felt like a loser all the time.

    “Don’t say that! Never say that! You’re aren’t a loser! You’re the best!!! Let me see the pics, I’ll help you to pick one to send”

    “I already threw them away” Daehyun chewed on his lower lip. The truth was he took hundreds of pictures, but only two pictures were of the beach, the rest were pictures of Youngjae. Youngjae staring at the sea, Youngjae smiling, Youngjae walking on the sand, Youngjae eating, Youngjae goofing around, Youngjae reading, Youngjae listening to music, Youngjae driving… Daehyun didn’t know how that happened, but all the pics he took were Youngjae, Youngjae and Youngjae. Daehyun loved every photo so much he kept them in the nightstand drawer and looked at them everytime he missed the editor.

    “There’s still time” Jongup said “What’s your favorite place in Seoul?”

    “What?” Daehyun blinked in confusion.

    “You have to take pics of your favorite place” the brown-haired man said “If you don’t have a favorite place in Seoul, I’ll share mine with you” he smiled enthusiastically.

    “Daehyun!!! Daehyun!!!” Himchan rushed in the room breathlessly “Daehyun!!!”

    “Himchan? How did you get in?”

    “You never close the door, seriously, you have to close the door”

    “Hi, Himchan” Jongup said.

    “Hi” The stylist replied quickly and focused all his attention on Daehyun “I need you to come with me to the studio, actually, I need Dasom. I need her to try gowns for the party tomorrow”

    “What are you talking about? I’m done with Dasom. I already did the photo shoot for the billboards, for the cover, for the pages in the magazine…”

    “You’d think so, but nope, nope. Tomorrow is the last day of the month, Youngjae will throw a party to launch March issue in which you’re on the cover. You have to be, I mean, Dasom has to be there in the spotlight, feeding the reporters, the paparazzi, the cameras…”  

    “I don’t think so, the contract says I do the cover and that’s the end”

    “Actually the contract says you have to do everything the company says till the end of the month”

    “I hate Dasom”

    “You are Dasom”

    “I hate me” Daehyun hissed “Just let’s this get over with” he headed to the door “I swear, after the party I’m going to kill her” sometimes Daehyun fantasied that Dasom was real and then he killed her, because that got Youngjae’s heart. He thought that if she was dead, Youngjae would see him and love him.

Once in the studio, Himchan showed Daehyun (Dasom) a bunch of dresses and said:

    “I forgot to tell you the party is also a fashion show, dozens of models will walk the runway, wearing Jieun’s designs, but you’re the main model. You’ll have to change clothes several times throughout the evening…”

    “Yay, I’m so excited” Daehyun said sarcastically.

    “I know it’s been a difficult month for you, but try to enjoy the party. I promise I’ll help you to kill Dasom afterwards”

    Daehyun chuckled, Himchan always made him laugh.

    “But before starting, I need coffee”

    “So do I”

    “You aren’t friends with coffee”

    “I haven’t been sleeping well…” Daehyun said. It was hard to sleep, everytime he tried, he dreamed about Youngjae. In his dreams, Youngjae loved him back and they spent their days lying on the bed with their legs and arms coiled around each other, kissing and touching, and then Dasom came out of nowhere and took Youngjae from him.

    “Himchan hyung!” Zelo entered the studio eagerly “I’m ready for the wardrobe fitting!!!”

    “Zelo will be on the runway, too” Himchan said to Daehyun who could care less “Modeling for another designer though”

    “Hi, Dasom, I haven’t seen you for ages!!!” Zelo gave her a hug and kissed her forehead like a boyfriend would “Did you get my gifts? The teddy bear and the chocolate”

    “I did” Daehyun faked the girly voice “I thought about calling you to say thanks”

    “I’ll go for coffee” Himchan said “You want some?” he asked Zelo.

    “Himchan!” a young assistant called from the makeup station “I need help with her makeup” he pointed at the model sitting in front of the mirror.

    “You go help him, I’ll go for the coffee” Daehyun said and left.

Daehyun went to Starbucks, bought Americano for Himchan, Mocha milkshake for Zelo (he forgot to ask the tall model what he wanted, but he thought that he might enjoy a sweet milkshake), iced latte for himself and a box of coffee for the staff. Daehyun walked down the hall to the studio, carrying the coffee, minding his own business when someone stumbled against him. Even though he wasn’t the one who stumbled, he felt like apologizing (with a girly voice, because at the time he was Dasom)

    “Sorry” he looked up at the guy that ran into him and then froze.

    “Dasom” Youngjae said, surprised.

    Daehyun felt like he was in the twilight zone. He saw Youngjae for the first time after many days and his heart began to beat rapidly. However the person that Youngjae saw wasn’t Daehyun, but Dasom.

    “Dasom” Youngjae said again, this time with a big smile, he was happy to see HER.

    Daehyun’s heart sank. “Hi…”

    “I’ve wanted to see you… I’ve been busy, planning a party, you know, tomorrow is the launch day…” Youngjae was nervous, he hadn’t seen Daehyun since he told him he loved Dasom. He wondered whether Daehyun told Dasom about his feelings or not “I’ve got something to tell you… How about we meet after work?”

    “If you have something to say, just say it now. Why wait?”

    “This is not the place” Youngjae looked around, the hallway wasn’t a romantic place to confess your love for the girl of your dreams. He wanted to take Dasom to a fancy restaurant with candles and someone playing the violin.

    Daehyun felt tempted to accept the invitation. He missed Youngjae so much that he wanted to be with him even if it was as Dasom, even if Youngjae only saw Dasom.

    “If you have something to say, just do it”

    Youngjae didn’t understand why Dasom was so cold, he felt rejected and hurt. 

    “I haven’t seen Daehyun for days… Has he told you…?”

    “Look, I have work, so I’m going…”

    “Wait” Youngjae tried to grab her arm, but he was afraid she was going to shake him off, so he pulled away “I like you… I love you…”

    Daehyun wanted to hear Youngjae say I LOVE YOU to him, but those words were for Dasom and that killed him.

    “Forgive me if I’m coming on too strong… That’s why I wanted to take you on a date first…”

    “Well, I’m sorry too” Daehyun felt tempted to say I LOVE YOU back, he felt tempted to pretend to be Dasom forever and be with Youngjae forever “I’m already dating someone”

    “You’re lying!”

    “I’m not”

    “I don’t believe you!!! You like me!!! You feel the same!!! There’s a connection between us!!! You’re just making up stuff because of Daehyun!!! It’s not my fault that I don’t like him!!!” Youngjae screamed insanely “I know he’s your brother, but we shouldn’t let him get between us!!!”

    “Don’t talk about him like that! He just wants your happiness!”

    “Well, tell him my happiness is you”

    “It can’t be me, I already have someone”

    “That’s a ing lie!!! Who is he?!”

    “It’s me, hyung” Zelo came out of nowhere and approached Dasom protectively.  

    “You? Again?” Youngjae rolled his eyes “You both have nothing in common, just because you went for ice cream doesn’t mean you’re dating”

    “But this does” Zelo put his arm around Dasom and leaned down to plant a kiss on her delicious plump lips. Daehyun’s eyes widened and tried to back away, but Zelo’s grip was strong.

    “This is an act” Youngjae waited for Dasom to push Zelo away, but she stood there like she enjoyed the kiss, and he couldn’t keep watching, so he turned around and left.

    “Sorry” Zelo released Dasom once the editor was gone “Himchan hyung sent me to find you. He needs his coffee ASAP”

    Daehyun always thought his first kiss with a man was going to be with Youngjae. He always dreamed of Youngjae and his lips, but in real life, Zelo was his first. Daehyun wasn't mad, he was fine with Zelo kissing him if that made Youngjae give up on Dasom.

    The young photographer didn’t want Youngjae to suffer, he just wanted him to be happy and he could never be happy with someone that didn’t exist.