Chapter 50: What Should I Say?

It was a quiet day without much work in the studio. Himchan played with the mannequin head curling and uncurling her hair to kill the time.

    “Himchan!!!”

    “What do you want, Youngjae's secretary?”

    “My name is Jooe”

    “What do you want, Jooe?”

    “I had a Barbie Deluxe Styling Head and spent hours combing her hair” she said as she saw Himchan curling the mannequin’s hair.

    “I'm not playing here, I'm trying to make these boring curls more interesting” he pointed the curling iron at her in a threatening way “What do you want, Youngjae’s secretary?”

    “I was wondering if you already talked to Youngjae”

    “I’ll do it later”

    “Yesterday you said the same thing”

    “What’s the rush?”

    “The partners call nonstop, asking me where he is and I say in America, but if they find out he’s actually at his apartment and he hasn’t left for weeks he’ll be fired, I’ll be fired!!! We’ll be fired!!!” she counted to ten to calm down “He doesn’t love his job, but I do love mine”

    “Being a secretary?”

    “Not that! I mean the fashion world. I love fashion, so much I study fashion design. This place opens doors and allows me to meet great designers” she said “Please, make Youngjae go back to work before the partners fire him”

    “If he doesn't want to leave his apartment, what do you think I can do?”

    “Talk to him, convince him to come work, you're his best friend” she said “Aren't you worried? He hasn't left his apartment for two weeks”

    “It’s already been two weeks? I thought it was two or three days, but two weeks…”

    “Yes, two weeks”

    “Now I’m worried”

Himchan went to Youngjae’s apartment after work. He knocked and rang the doorbell many times and nobody answered. He sighed and took the spare key to the apartment out of his bag, and then opened the door.    

    “Young…?” Himchan couldn’t finish his sentence because the stench of something rotten overcame him and then he saw the hallway that led to the living room, it was full of garbage bags “Garbage truck comes at dawn every day, you know” he kept walking and stopped in shock as he reached the living room, there were garbage bags everywhere as well and there were wastes that weren’t even in bags.

    “Don’t you have maids for this?” Himchan shook his head and went to Youngjae’s room where the lights were out. The first thing he did was to get the lights, and dropped the jaw when he saw all the trash in the room. Youngjae always had been kind of OCD and had everything clean, specially the place where he slept, however that bedroom was a dumpster; there were clothes, pizza boxes, rolls of toilet paper, big bottles of cola, broken glass, dirty plates, etc.

    “What the hell is going on here?” Himchan thought, maybe he got the wrong apartment, but the key he had worked, so he was in the right one “Youngjae” he saw a bulge under the blanket “Is that you or more garbage?” he didn’t want to approach the bed without knowing what was underneath, and then he remembered he had a selfie stick, he took it out of his bag and extended it and used it to poke the bulge “Are you Youngjae or are you a bag of garbage? Or a giant rat, I wouldn’t be surprised, this place is a landfill”

    “My eye!!!” Youngjae pulled the blanket off “What are you doing here?!!!” he looked at Himchan with one eye while he rubbed the eye he poked.

    “You’re alive” Himchan said, relieved, and reached out to hug him, but the bad smell from him made him retreat “How long haven't you taken a shower?”

    “What. Are. You. Doing. Here?”

    “How long haven’t you brushed your teeth?” Himchan asked as he saw food in his teeth “How long haven’t you shaved? I can see a mustache and shadow of a beard”

    “Turn off the light and leave” Youngjae laid on the bed “I hate light”

    “I think you hate bathing and cleaning more” Himchan said, confused “I thought you were taking a few days off, but you haven’t left your apartment for weeks and it’s clear that you haven’t taken out the trash, done the laundry or washed yourself”

    “What does this means? Are you sick? Do you have depression?” The elder asked “You can tell me anything”

    “Let me sleep” Youngjae got out of bed and went to the kitchen.

    “All you do is sleep? It’s sign of depression or sickness…” The other followed him, concerned “If I’d known you were like this I would’ve come sooner”

    “I’m fine”

    “You look like a beggar that lives in a dumpster” Himchan studied the kitchen, and like the halls, the living room and Youngjae’s bedroom, it was chockfull of trash “Do you throw parties every night? How can one single person make so much garbage?” he opened the fridge to find it empty “You’re really stuck in here? You don’t go out? Not even for food?”

    “I have an app for food, but the stupid delivery man said I made him cry. Whatever, I still have this” Youngjae grabbed a suspicious looking burger and rubbed it in his friend's face before throwing it into the blender and turning it on full speed “See? Food and drink” he turned the blender off and took a sip.

    “Very nutritive” 

    Youngjae ignored him and grabbed a bottle of ketchup and drank.

    “Stop it, it's disgusting. I don’t know why I haven't vomited yet” The pink-haired man looked around trying to find a place to sit, but there were slices of pizza and dirty dishes on the chairs, so he passed “Look, I love you, you're my best friend since forever and I want to help you with whatever's happening”

    “Nothing's happening, I'm fine”

    “Ok. The last time I saw you fine it was at the launch party, so something happened at the party or soon after”

    Youngjae walked out the kitchen and returned to his room, Himchan followed him, and then the younger slammed the door in his face “Open the damn door, you aren’t fine!!!” Himchan banged on the door “What happened at the party?!!!” he yelled and yelled and waited for a reply, but the black-haired man ignored him.

    “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow with decent food and we’ll talk” Himchan said “And it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about what’s going on with you. We can talk about soccer or video games. I won’t give up on you. Friends don’t do that”

Jongup always exercised and Daehyun wanted to know what the fuss was about. The gym in the house was very complete. The equipment was high tech, the treadmill got a TV and Daehyun watched a movie while he ran, everything was perfect until his phone started ringing and he went to answer. He forgot to turn off the machine and fell off and knocked his forehead against the wall. The phone kept ringing without giving him time to complain, so he got up and reached the phone.

    “Jongup” Daehyun said as he patted himself on the forehead.

    “What are you doing?” the younger asked.

    “Nothing” he looked at the treadmill, didn't want to say how he fell off, because Jongup would laugh.

    “Can you bring me the flash diffuser? I left it in the living”

    “There are many of those in the studio, you can use those”

    “They're all occupied”

    “Then wait, sooner or later you'll get a flash diffuser”

    “I don’t think so, there's a lot of photo-shoots”

    “Why do you need a flash diffuser anyway? You're going to take pics outside the studio, use the sun”

    “Yeah, 'cause the sun let me modify it” Jongup said “I know you don’t want to come to Ego and meet Youngjae…”

    “I haven’t thinking about him for days, thanks for reminding me his existence”

    “Don't worry, Youngjae is in America” Jongup said “Just come with the flash diffuser before Hyoseong fires me”

    “I'll go, but you'll have to buy me lunch”

Daehyun brought the flash diffuser to Jongup who was getting ready to go with the staff to Han River to take photos.

    “Thank you for bringing me this” Jongup took the flash and put it in the backpack “But someone had a spare one and lent it to me”

    “Why didn't you call? I wouldn’t have come”

    “I wanted to see you” Jongup gave him a bag of MacDonald’s.

    “More cheeseburgers?”

    “I promise that tonight we'll eat something else”

    “I'd like something homemade, no more burgers or pizza”

    “I'll drop by the mall after work and buy groceries”

    “Buy steak, make me steak”

    “Why don't you make me steak? You haven’t cooked for me since that breakfast, I miss your cooking”

    “I'll cook for you some other day, but tonight you cook. It’s your punishment for making me come here”

    “You haven't seen Youngjae so far”

    “Stop saying his name, are you in love with him or what?”

    “I'm in love with you”

    Daehyun blushed and pouted “See you later” he said and Jongup watched him go with a grin.

Daehyun missed Himchan, so he went to the studio to say hi. The stylist saw him first and spoke up before he could.

    “Stay away fro me, you betrayer. You have some nerve to bring your traitor to my kingdom!!! Leave, I don't want to see your back-stabber , go away, Judas”

    “Sometimes I don't understand what you're talking about, this is one of those times” 

    “You don't know what I'm talking about, snake” he scoffed.

    “I don't”

    “How many times did I ask you, BEG YOU to let me dye your hair, double-crosser”

    “This?” Daehyun touched his now blond hair “I was just helping a friend, she needed a male model for her homework”

    “I know, I'm her teacher, so imagine my face when she showed me the video of her doing your hair, Taylor Swift”

    “What?”

    “I don't know more words for traitor!!!”

    “No, I mean, what, you're a teacher?”

    “I give conferences from time to time because I’m the best, but you don't think so, since you let a student dye your hair, instead of me, viper, rat...” Himchan went to Naver before continuing “Horse, goat, nutria, camel, raccoon”

    “What are you doing now?”

    “Naver say these are the most treacherous animals”

    “Ok, let it go” Daehyun shook his head “I'm sorry for being a treacherous raccoon, I'll let you dye my hair next time”

    “You bet I will” Himchan said “I want that too” he pointed at the McDonald’s bag.

    “It’s all yours, I’m sick of cheeseburgers” Daehyun smiled “I’ve really missed you very much” he rested his head on the elder’s shoulder “Let’s catch up, I have many things to tell you”

    “You can come by tomorrow” The other said with a burger in his mouth.

    “I’m here now”

    “My shift’s over and I’m leaving”

    “Himchan” a man entered the studio, looking worried “Jimin had an accident on her way here, you have to replace her”

    “I have a date”

    “You’re the head stylist”

    Himchan sighed and looked at Daehyun “You go with my date”

    “I don't think your date will like me”

    “It's not a real date, it's just Youngjae. I told him I’d stop by his apartment with decent food”

    “Call the restaurant and tell them to deliver it to him”

    “No restaurant will do that, he made the delivery man cry” Himchan sighed “He’s been eating junk food, that’s unhealthy. I promised I’d get him a decent meal, but since I have work, can you do it for me?”

    “I’m busy”

    “You wanted to stay here and catch up”

    “I suddenly remembered I’m busy”

    “You let a student dye your hair, you cheater, you owe me”

    “I’ll do anything but that”

    “So you’re going to make him starve to death”

    “He won’t starve, he can buy food on his own. It’s time for him to do things on his own instead of having you or Jooe doing everything for him”

    “He hasn’t left his apartment for weeks” Himchan cut him off “He’s become reclusive and spend all his time in his room. He doesn’t even go out the bed to take a shower. He should at least change his pajamas, but no…”

    “Why?” Daehyun asked, not sure whether he had to care or not.

    “I don’t know. He’s like that since the launch party. I think something bad happened to him”  

    “Nothing happened” Daehyun thought about the kiss that Youngjae gave Dasom. He hadn’t thought about that for days, because everytime he did, he turned sad. Youngjae kissed him because he thought he was Dasom, he only saw Dasom, he loved her, he said it so many times that always killed him a little.

    “You know what happened” 

    “You’re worrying too much, nothing happened” Daehyun said “Give me the food money and the key to his apartment”

    “You know what happened!”

    “You want me to get the food or no?”

    Himchan reluctantly gave the money and the key to Daehyun, even if the younger said that nothing happened, he knew he knew what was wrong with Youngjae. 

Daehyun had tried to avoid Youngjae for weeks and now he was at his apartment. He opened the door and a foul smell invaded him, he held his breath before coming in, but he was unable to advance as he saw dozens of garbage bags in the hall.

    “Youngjae?” Daehyun called, it was the first time he said his name out loud after a long time. Nobody answered, maybe he was sleeping, he thought and went to the kitchen. He bumped into trash with every step, he passed by the living room, there was junk everywhere. Himchan said Youngjae hadn’t left the apartment in weeks, but didn’t he have cleaning ladies? Maybe he made them cry like he made the poor deliver man cry, Daehyun thought, that wouldn’t be a surprise, Youngjae knew how to be mean.

    The kitchen was dirty like the halls and living, there were clothes and food on the counter and table, he didn’t know where to put the bag with food. Suddenly the phone rang and he answered with his free hand, it was the stylist who called.

    “I’m already here” Daehyun said “And you could’ve told me this is a dumpster. I try not to breathe. Are you laugh…?” Daehyun shut up and froze as he saw the biggest rat ever. The rodent stared at him with perturbing eyes before disappearing into a bag of chips.

    “I’ll never eat chips again” the blond said and the rat came out the bag of chips and stared at him again with very disturbing eyes, and then this time Daehyun screamed at the top of his lungs and threw the phone at the rat. He wasn’t watching and the phone hit Youngjae who had left his room after he recognized Daehyun’s voice, he went to the kitchen, but instead of seeing the photographer, he saw a phone flying to him and hitting him on the forehead.

    “Youngjae?”

    In response the younger grabbed the pizza box on the chair and threw it away before taking a sit.

    “I didn’t want to hit you” Daehyun said “I wanted to hit the rat that…” he felt goosebumps, afraid the rat may do a comeback.

    Youngjae didn’t know what to say, he hadn’t talk to people in a long time. He just looked up, and holy moly, Daehyun was blond and more beautiful than ever, whereas he hadn’t shaved or bathed for days. Daehyun didn’t say anything, maybe he was shocked, he just stared at him, maybe thinking how fugly he was, Youngjae thought. If Daehyun still had feelings for him, those feelings should be dead now that he saw and smelled ugly stinky Youngjae.

    “Himchan couldn’t come” Daehyun said “He told me to get you food. I got you meat, because you like meat…” he put the bag with food on the younger’s hands “Bye” he said and literally ran away.

By the time Daehyun returned to the house, he shared with Jongup, it was midnight, however, the lights were still on. “Jongup?”

    “I’m in the kitchen”

    “I thought you’d be asleep” the blond was so tired he dropped on the first chair he saw.

    “I couldn’t not knowing where you are”

    “I was at Youngjae’s”

    “I don’t think I heard you correctly”

    “I was at Youngjae’s apartment”

    “Really, what?”

    “He isn’t in America, Jooe made that up. Youngjae’s actually in his apartment and never goes out”

    “And this is your problem because…”

    “It’s not my problem” Daehyun shrugged “Himchan asked me to do him the favor of bringing him food”

    “I guess you were happy to see him” Jongup’s heart sank.

    “I thought I would, but no”

    “Please, the times you didn’t eat and the times you cried were because of him”

    “I haven’t cried for him in days, in fact, I haven’t thought about him until this day. To be honest I no longer feel anything for him”

    “You’re lying to make me feel better”

    “I’m not” Daehyun said and Jongup’s hope went through the roof.

    “You don’t have feelings for him anymore?”

    “Well…, the only feeling I have for him it’s guilt”

    “Guilt? Why?”

    “I’ve never told anybody, but Youngjae loves Dasom… and they kissed…”

    “You mean you kissed!”

    “I was posing as her”

    “You kissed!”

    “He and Dasom kissed”

    “You’re Dasom!”

    “Whatever, Youngjae said he loved her like a broken record and they kissed more than once, but I made it clear they couldn’t have anything. I even left a note asking him not to look for her and he didn't, so I thought he forgot her, but after seeing him, I think he still thinks of her and I have to do something…”

    “Do what? Maybe he needs more time, you don’t have to do anything”

    “You should see him, he’s not fine. He’s withdrawn from life. His flat is a landfill. He hasn’t taken a shower for ages, he doesn’t even change his pajamas. His hair is glassy, he got dark circles under his eyes, his lips are cracked, his skin is saggy and pale like a ghost…”

    “Are you sure you don’t feel anything for him? You sound like you care”

    “I told you it’s guilt. It’s my fault he stopped living”

    “So what are you going to do?”

    “I’ll tell him the truth” Daehyun lowered his head “I didn’t want him to hate me, but he hates me anyway, so I’ll tell him everything first thing in the morning, and then he’ll forget Dasom and go back to his normal life”

    “Sounds like a good plan” Jongup said “Are you still hungry? I made steak and kept it in the fridge”

    “I’m still hungry”

    “Please, just call next time” Jongup took a plate out of the fridge and headed to the microwave “I was very worried”

    “My phone…” Suddenly Daehyun remembered he threw it at Youngjae and never got it back “is still at his apartment” he stood up from the chair “I need to go for it”

    “It’s past midnight, you can get your cellphone tomorrow when you go to tell him the truth”

    “I can’t, it’s Dasom’s phone too, if he checks it he’ll find out the truth”

    “So? You’re going to tell him anyway”

    “I don’t want him to find out the truth through my phone, I want to tell him, otherwise he’ll hate me”

    “You said he already hates you” An awkward silence filled the place “For someone who doesn’t have feelings for him anymore, you care too much what he feels” 

    Daehyun opened up his mouth, but he didn’t know what to say. He just wanted his phone back before Youngjae saw it.