KISS ME LIKE YOU WANNA BE LOVED

**********

"Luhan?"

Sehun gently put a hand on the older's shoulder and shock him but, not surprisingly, Luhan didn't even stir an inch.

"Luhan?" Sehun called again, starting to get a bit worried as guilt striked him square on his heart.

Receiving no answer, Sehun shakengly lifted Luhan's limp head up and gasped seeing the trail of blood it left on the black window of his car.

Cursing out loud the moved up from his seat and laid his husband's head back on the seat and then turned his face to the side to examine the damages that he himself had inflicted.

The cut in itself didn't look too bad when Sehun pushed the soft locks back, dirtying his hands with the blood that came out of it.

Sehun let go of Luhan's face and laid back on his own seat, shutting his eyes to loses and sighing.

Why?

Why the was his life so ed up?

He opened his eyes again feeling the sting on his eyes and soon crystal clear tears followed.

"I'm sorry," Sehun punched the stairing of the car in a desperate attempt to let go of his anger. It didn't help.

Hurting himself didn't help.

Hurting people who cared for him didn't help at all.

Groaning in frustration, Sehun started the engine and headed home, after another glance at his unconscious husband.

When they finally got at the mansion, Sehun picked Luhan up in his arms and carried him up to his bedroom, before rushing and getting the first aid kit.

He settled on the bed and pulled Luhan's soft locks back from his head as he cleaned and disinfected the cut.

Luhan winced a bit but soon stopped and Sehun successfully bandaged it all up. He did it messily. It was more out of guilt than concern.

After he was finished, Sehun stared at Luhan with anger, before getting up and slamming the door shut as he exited.

He went straight to the kitchen and took the bottle of soju that he kept in the top cupboard out and sipped it down straight from the bottle.

To his dissapointment the bottle ended too quick so he took several out.

By the time Sehun was completely wasted, he lie motionless on the cold floor and he hummed softly as empty bottles lie scattered all around him.

All worries were gone. Just for that night, Sehun felt completely at ease. Happy, even.

Sehun felt numb to any kind of pain.

•••••••

Sehun had wanted many things in life.

Not that he needed to ask for them though, as mostly everything was provided for him, thanks to the fact that he was a lucky baby to have been born with a golden spoon in his mouth.

Maybe that is the reason why the few things that Sehun truly desired and asked for, and were denied to him, hurt him and left an impact since when he was a child.

For instance, a four year old Sehun had really wanted a doll. He wanted a princess doll. Pink and pretty. Not because at that fragile age he knew anything about uality or anything.

He wanted it for the simple fact that he had so many superheroes and warriors already and often wondered how the superheroes and strong warriors were supposed to save princesses if he didn't have any.

He asked his mom and she laughed at him. Then she asked his dad and he frowned at him.

Sehun didn't get the doll and he was still left confused who his superheroes were supposed to save.

An eight year old Sehun really wanted a bike. He didn't hesitate once to ask his dad. After all, his friends from school all had a bike already and Sehun too wanted it. Not for the simple fact that he wanted it or needed it.

He just wanted to experience the rush of going against the wind and feel like flying.

His dad denied his request asking him "Why do need a bike when you can have all the cars you want in the future?"

Sehun tried to convince him, but apparently his argument wasn't strong enough to move his dad's opinion on the matter.

He did ride on his friend's bike once after that but, the fact that he had to wear a cast for an entire month, convinced him that it was better to forget about bikes.

A ten year old Sehun had wanted a puppy. He wanted a fluffy and white puppy to be exact. Small and cute.

He didn't get the puppy no matter how hard he tried to convince his parents but, because he had a strong heart, Sehun moved on.

A fourteen year old Sehun had wanted to choose his own subjects in highschool. He knew he was big and mature enough to make his own choices in life. It was his life after all.

To be honest, he didn't care much about all the other subjects but he did want to have music in his timetable.

That caused one of the biggest arguments in the Oh mansion but, again Sehun didn't get what he wanted.

What he did get though was the determination to fight for things.

He knew he couldn't win against his mom and dad for the simple fact that they were his parents, but he was also aware of the fact that they couldn't control his life forever.

That's why he took secret music and dance classes.

It was the first time he did something his parents denied him, going against their wish.

Somehow, somewhere deep in his heart he felt guilty for deceiving them, but, on the other side, he knew that he was right too.

An eighteen year old Sehun had wanted to enroll in a dance academy.

His secret classes even got him a scolarship for it but, once again, he didn't get to do so.

First of all his parents were angry at him for the secret lessons. Then he even argued for taking the scolarship which he really worked hard to get.

He knew his father had the money for it and he didn't really need the scolarship but he had wanted to show his parents that he really wanted it. That is why he worked hard for it.

That year he got enrolled in college. Preparing for his studies of business and managemet that he will take years later at university.

A twenty year old Sehun fell in love for the first time.

He wanted nothing but to stay with her forever. She left him after a year.

He truly loved her.

Losing her was like losing hope for Sehun.

Then he tried to love his best friend Baekhyun. But it wasn’t the same. Baekhyun was not her. But Sehun tried anyway just for Baekhyun to leave him too.

No matter how hard he tried, he never got what he truly desired.

Perhaps that is the reason why Sehun couldn't love Luhan.

He couldn't want him.

What if he started loving Luhan and he, like her, left him?

What if he wanted Luhan and Luhan got taken away from him, just like his every other dream since a child?

Luhan was one thing that he got without asking. Maybe in another life he could have loved and cherished him like he deserved.

But not in this life.

Sehun was too broken to love again.

••••••••••

A loud ringing was blaring in Luhan's ears when he regained consciousness.

That, and the fact that his head was throbbing in pain, made him want to go back to whatever dark place he had came from.

But, to his horror, Luhan felt his stomach upturning and, without thinking twice about the fact that his body was hurting all over, he got up from the bed he had been lying on and ran to the first door in the room.

To his luck it was indeed what he had been looking for.

Thankfully he made it to the toilet just in time and emptied the content of his stomach. He felt the acid coming up and run down all over his throat and tears swelled in his eyes, knowing that it was his own fault for drinking in first place.

He knew he wasn't drunk anymore, given the fact that he could think coherently again. He was in control of his body and mind again. That didn't mean he forgot what happened, what he did and said, while he was drunk. It were blurry memories but he knew. Mostly his mind was filled with the memory of Sehun kissing him on the dance floor and that saddened him. He wished he didn't remember.

Luhan was still crouched over the toilet seat when he felt strong arms pulling him up.

Instantly Luhan pushed the person away as he flushed the toilet.

He didn't want anyone to see him like this. It was so embarassing. Luhan quickly went to the sink and rinsed his mouth throughly as he cleaned his face.

Feeling a bit better Luhan pulled back and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Specifically at the ugly looking bandage covering his forehead.

"Are you okay?"

Sehun's calm voice snapped him out of his fantasies and he frantically left the bathroom to escape his husband, the memories of what had happened in the car running vividly in his still dazed brain.

Luhan realized that he was at his mansion again and in Sehun's bedroom to be precise, so he decided to make a run for it and hide in his room, but as he was doing so a sharp pain ran through his body making him gasp for air.

The impact with the car's door must've been hard if he had passed out like that.

Luhan kneeled on the floor, holding his head in his hands. The bandage was messily done but at least it wasn't bleeding anymore.

"Are you okay?" Sehun asked again as he looked down on him.

Luhan looked up and noticed that something was different with Sehun. It wasn't his appearance or anything but his eyes.

Sehun's eyes were looking at him with worry?

"I am okay. Just..." Luhan said slowly moving his gaze to the glass that Sehun was holding, "Just that my head hurts a bit."

"I think you should rest," Sehun said. He put down the glass on the floor and pulled Luhan up. This time, Luhan didn't fight him off.l

"Luhan?" Sehun asked giggling like a child.

"Y...yeah?"

"You're shaking, Luhan," Sehun continued to giggle as he helped Luhan in bed. The same bed that he had thrown him out just a few days ago, "Why are you shaking, Luhannie?"

Sehun slightly pushed Luhan back on the bed so that he was lying down and for a very scary moment Luhan wondered if Sehun had intentions to continue what he had started in his car.

But, to h