Can’t sleep. Need to do something to take my mind out of stressful things, scanned through my drafts, and realized I have this JunDong AU stuck in WIP hell since Q4 of last year haha. Yes, this is the long oneshot (turned two-shot) I promised in a prev chapter. And contrary to the title, not every scene occurs at night and involves whiskey lol

So, yeah. Angsty, Slow-burn JunDong drinking “buddies” AU. Can’t promise it’s going to be pleasant. Can’t promise I’m gonna update the 2^nd part soon too. Just needed a break, so. T^T

(Also am I the only JunDong author left here..? Lmao come back y’all please!)

 

Warnings: heavy monologues; less dialogues, dubious canon compliance, overlapping yet sequential povs, OC plot devices, hints of anxiety & eating disorders, and careless use of alcoholic drink types and names

 

---

 

 

To be honest, being fond of alcoholic drinks and liquor isn’t something Donghyuk thought he’d do. He was aware of the negative side effects it can give to the body, and the images of men drinking wasn’t all that cool to him. But it was inevitable that he’d go into it, and thinking back on everything, was also inevitable for him to develop the fondness. After all, a lot of memories that are close to his heart (and almost broke it) have something to do with it, one way or another.

 

And with Koo Junhwe. Unexpectedly.

 

The first time Donghyuk tasted alcohol wasn’t when he turned 21. It was when he was a few years younger, on the night before the WIN finale. He couldn’t sleep with the gears in his mind continuously stirring and his stomach flipping every 5 minutes, so he went out of his shared room with Yunhyeong to watch tv.

 

Jinhwan was coincidentally at the kitchen, sipping from a can of Cass that Donghyuk had once seen hidden deep in the lower cupboards. The elder had stopped in the middle of another sip, blinking at him in mild surprise, before raising a finger to his lips as if to say “Don’t tell.” Donghyuk had shrugged and sat himself at one of the dining chairs across, choosing to comfort himself with the presence of the mat-hyung instead of the midnight tv replays.

 

“Can I have a sip?” he’d daringly asked; anything to get his mind off what-ifs. Jinhwan rejected him by telling him point-blank that he’s a minor and that he should be in top condition for the next day. Donghyuk didn’t push.

 

But then, Yunhyeong came out a minute later, also unable to sleep. Then Bobby with his Pooh bear, Hanbin and finally Junhwe.

 

Soon, the lone Cass can was joined with another one; shared between the older members. As maknaes, he and Junhwe only watched the hyungs, though he bet Junhwe was dying to take a taste. It’d be his first time too, Donghyuk believed. As if they’d taken pity, or it was a matter of team spirit, Jinhwan eventually let him and Junhwe have one small sip.

 

Junhwe volunteered to be first, smirking at himself and pretending to take it in stride before gagging. The hyungs cackled at his fellow maknae then told Donghyuk he can back out if he wanted.

 

He could, but letting Junhwe be embarrassed by himself doesn't feel right either, so he grabbed the can from Junhwe and gulped one sip.

 

He gagged too of course. The hyungs laughed again and dropped the immortal line of alcohol being too early for them. Hanbin was pulled into it because of his flushed face.

 

Junhwe shrugged at that assessment with a deep set frown. Donghyuk turned to him, sticking his tongue out in embarrassment. He smiles when Junhwe drops the frown to snicker at him instead.

 

The next night, right after the WIN finale, Donghyuk cried his heart out. The hyungs, both despaired and tired, pulled out some of the remaining hidden sojus and beer cans from inside the cupboards. “Come drink with us.” they told him and Junhwe. Their manager was there but said he won’t tattle, just for that night.

 

As maknaes, they didn’t decline. But even without saying anything, both of them ended up not consuming any alcohol at all. He sniffed and rubbed away tears the whole time while smiling at Yunhyeong’s joke attempts. Junhwe stayed uncharacteristically silent beside him, eyes dead locked on the table. Their hyungs understood and didn’t push them to take a sip of the soju shots.

 

Under the table, Donghyuk reached towards Junhwe, patting his kneecap in a gesture of silent comfort. He didn’t expect Junhwe to reciprocate or say anything, so it was quite a surprise when he felt Junhwe’s hand cover his own, squeezing his fingers as if to say “I’ll be fine” before letting go a moment after.

 

And though he was the one who wanted to comfort, Donghyuk was the one who felt reassured instead. It was enough.

 

 

--

 

 

Of course, it was during the night of his 21st birthday when Donghyuk had legitimately drank. It was the perfect time, Donghyuk thought. He was finally an adult. Had finally debuted with his sworn brothers. Perhaps the tears and hardships would lessen a little from then on.

 

It was so very late at night and everyone was tired from filming the whole day. However, Bobby whipped out 3 bottles of expensive soju seemingly from out of nowhere (he later found out it was hidden underneath the stash of clothes under Bobby’s bed) and suddenly the rest of the hyungs started cheering, telling him it’s time to induct him into their country’s drinking culture.

 

Junhwe complained, saying he’s “technically” an adult too already so why wasn’t he included? Jinhwan and Yunhyeong gave Junhwe the Disappointed Mom look while Hanbin and Bobby stood up to fetch the leftover birthday cake from the fridge.

 

With a sense of camaraderie, he’d sided with Junhwe and had cheekily pushed one bottle of soju towards his chingu while taking another one for himself. The two eldest shook their heads at their antics, warning them.

 

Needless to say, Hanbin and Bobby went back to the living room to see him and Junhwe gagging and slumping on the floor (once again). The two took advantage of that to dump the leftover cake on his face. Junhwe wasn’t spared. Chanwoo was too amused to help and instead, had filmed them on his phone.

 

He’d reached out to spread the icing on Junhwe’s face more, laughing louder at the other’s shriek before taking revenge. “Still kids, both of you!” Jinhwan exclaimed amidst Bobby’s obnoxious laughter. By that time, the flavor of soju had settled on his tongue, somehow letting him be used to it. Donghyuk still doesn’t like it but perhaps, if he’d drink it in moments like this, laughing and celebrating with s, he’d enjoy it like how most people do.

 

“Yah, you’re getting too brave messing with me just because it’s your birthday.” Junhwe told him when the laughter died down a bit. Donghyuk had smirked at him, trying to taunt, but ended up laughing again. Junhwe laughed back.

 

Both of them are adults now. He’ll try to get used to alcohol soon so they can drink together.

 

 

--

 

 

But with all the intense practices and concerts, it took much longer before Donghyuk started appreciating the adult drinks. Let alone, drink with his chingu who had already leveled up ahead of him in terms of alcohol tolerance.

 

Korean schedules were nowhere in sight and their everyday lives consist of going to the airports and doing two concerts a day. The concerts were welcomed though, and he much rather sing and dance on stage every other day instead of having nothing to do, but sometimes it can be draining. It doesn’t help that he can see the same with s, at how the pure passion for music and their job started ebbing away little by little. They were all tired.

 

Eating good food was such a comfort. He found himself grabbing a bag of chips during concert waiting time backstage, or going all out with his orders whenever the team eats out. Most of the times it’s enough. Yet there are instances too when it wasn’t.

 

There was this one night in Japan when he felt restless even after a satisfying steak dinner. He laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling and his breathing getting faster by the minute. Then when he turned to the side to sit up, he caught a glimpse of the empty white-colored Kirin beer can that wasn’t included in the hotel’s complimentary drinks. Bobby had consumed that before they had eaten out.

 

It was weird how Donghyuk didn’t think of asking Bobby to drink with him when the desire to do so hit him. It should have been the most probable train of thought but instead, he remembered that time during his coming-of-age birthday, of the hyungs’ laughter while he and Junhwe smacked each other with cake frosting - both of them still averse to the bitter taste of soju.

 

He decided he wants to drink with Junhwe, his same age friend. Surely he and Junhwe can relate to each other the most.

 

Not necessarily, he found out.

 

Junhwe was in his own room when Donghyuk knocked on the door and let himself in. But there’s also Jinhwan and both of them are sitting at the small living space, a jade-colored glass bottle standing on the table between them, two wine glasses filled by a fourth with scarlet. Red wine.

 

“...what’s up?”

 

Being honest shouldn’t be a problem. Donghyuk could have said he wants to drink with Junhwe and since their eldest is already there too, the three of them can drink together. The more the merrier, right? He can take advantage of the time too to improve his tolerance.

 

But the sight of the two of them… Donghyuk felt like he’s intruding on something. Minute details became magnified; the red color of the drink they’re sharing, how their hands are so close, the crease in between Junhwe’s eyebrows...

 

His breathing started to quicken again.

 

“Do you have extra facial tissue? I already used up mine.”

 

Jinhwan reacted fast, standing up from his seat and offering his since he brought the large-sized packet. Junhwe stretched an arm towards the hyung, stopping him from leaving, before pulling his packet from the TV stand.

 

“Here.” Junhwe tosses and Donghyuk catches easily. “Anything else?”

 

How about inviting him to drink too?

 

“No. Thanks!”

 

He’d smiled and left, scolding himself for the expectation he let himself have and the accompanying irritation for not having that expectation come true.

 

Good for Junhwe though. He has someone to depend on now.

 

Good for Donghyuk too, because when he returned to his shared room, Bobby greeted him with a playful grin as he proudly showed a small bottle with strawberry illustrations at the bottom part of the label. His limited Japanese vocabulary is enough for him to read the characters on the sticker. Sparkling wine, strawberry flavor. Light and sweet, it said.

 

“Might be easier for you than a Kirin or an Asahi.” Bobby explains, still with the grin.

 

Donghyuk’s breathing calmed down. Grinning back, he happily accepts his hyung’s offer.

 

This should be much better.

 

 

--

 

 

Eventually the sparkling wine became too light for Donghyuk. The sweetness doesn’t comfort him any longer so he’d taken it as a sign for him to level up.

 

Full-bodied wine was the most tempting option.

 

White wine first, then red. He discovered he liked them both, much more than the light sparkling variety. He’d drink whenever he’s allowed to, when there’s no concert the day after, or when he just wanted to relax.

 

Bobby’s his go-to person by then but the rapper wasn’t that fond of wine so he’d rarely join Donghyuk. Jinhwan on the other hand, was fast to notice Donghyuk’s new preference. Their eldest was happy and willing to recommend him his favorites, but was also quick to say the standard reminder about moderation. It wasn’t really convincing given that Jinhwan drinks more often than any member of their group, but Donghyuk didn’t argue.

 

“Did you get tired of drinking with June?” he asked because this is already the fourth time they’re sharing wine.

 

They were sitting at the dining area of their dorm, tasting a 2004 Cabernet Sauvignon that Jinhwan had purchased from a Duty Free. The night was particularly quiet given that half of the members are out visiting families. That included Junhwe.

 

Jinhwan responded to his question with a snigger and a small sip from his wine glass.

 

“No. I love drinking with him.”

 

Donghyuk nods.

 

“But it doesn’t hurt to have a conversation with another person, especially when said person can make more sense.”

 

That made Donghyuk chuckle and tease his hyung about dissing someone who’s not there. Jinhwan shakes his head in amusement. “What? Don’t tell me you think otherwise.”

 

Well. Donghyuk wasn't exactly in a state with Junhwe where he can confidently agree or disagree. Unlike Jinhwan.

 

“I’m not sure hyung. I don’t talk or spend time with him like this as much as you do.”

 

“Ah.”

 

His words seemed to have taken Jinhwan aback. There’s a pregnant pause, intentionally taken to gather thoughts. Donghyuk had started swirling the red liquid in his glass when Jinhwan spoke again.

 

“You know, I’m positive June wants to drink and talk with you like this.”

 

Donghyuk smiles in default, not quite sure how to take the new information in.

 

“That’s nice. June never said anything to me, though.”

 

“He was saving a bottle of sparkling rosé wine.” Jinhwan narrates with a hint of a question in his voice. “Yeah, it was around our first few Japan tour concerts.” Another pause, realization dawning. “I asked him why he got that bottle but he said it’s none of my business. You were so into sparkling drinks that time.”

 

That cracked Dongyuk’s smile a bit. “S-So…”

 

“So,” Jinhwan grins. “I think he was saving it to drink with you. The probably chickened out as usual and ended up drinking that bottle by himself. Haven’t seen it since.”

 

That was both a big relief and disappointment. It’s very, very nice to know Junhwe had some thoughts of drinking and hanging out with him, and even made an effort - if Jinhwan’s right with his conclusion. More than the relief however, Donghyuk doesn’t understand why Junhwe didn’t so much as given him a hint about it. Why would his chingu chicken out? (And what’s with “as usual”?)

 

“Or the sparkling wine was just a coincidence and he just really doesn’t see me as an enjoyable person to hang out with.” Donghyuk averted his gaze a bit, choosing to stare at his own glass and not at Jinhwan. Afraid that he’ll unintentionally reveal something he doesn’t even know yet.

 

He’d felt Jinhwan’s gaze at him - scrutinizing more than friendly, and so had stretched mere seconds into what felt like hours.

 

“I can say the same about you. You don’t really give any impression that you’re interested in June more than being a labeled same-age friend.”

 

But don’t take it the wrong way, Jinhwan had added quickly. He only said it in hopes that Donghyuk would be the one to take the initiative, because they all knew Junhwe wouldn’t. Koo Junhwe wasn’t the kind of guy who would approach you first, even with the people he already spent years with. There were very few exceptions and Donghyuk obviously wasn’t one of them.

 

And yes, Jinhwan was right. Donghyuk really didn’t show enough outwardly interest. It wasn’t obvious to him before but now that it’s pointed out to him, Donghyuk felt ashamed.

 

“If you take the first step, I’m sure June-ya will jump into it.” Jinhwan finishes with a big gulp of his wine and a soft smile - meant to reassure and to encourage.

 

Donghyuk was indeed encouraged so he agreed, swallowing up the remainder of his wine like how his hyung did.

 

He wished he was assured too, that he was confident enough in the foundation of his bond with Junhwe to truly trust Jinhwan’s assumptions.

 

 

--

 

 

Donghyuk did take the first step.

 

But it didn’t end well.

 

“What is he doing stupidly playing in clubs like that?”

 

“Did he think he’s some big shot now? He’s just a rookie.”

 

“I pity his fans. Look at him being all smug clubbing without a care.”

 

It shouldn’t matter. So what that Junhwe’s having fun in a club? He’s human, barely an adult and wants to experience the things people their age do. But Junhwe is also an idol. One of the most popular members of his group at that, thus had a lot more eyes drawn to him.

 

And so the heavy backlash despite a number of fans defending Junhwe. There’s a call from Yang Hyun-Suk’s office asking him to see the boss alone, in which he surely ended up being harshly scolded and warned of repercussions. Everyone chose not to mention it afterwards. They just exchanged comforting hugs and pats on the back, and that was it. Junhwe acted like he’ll be alright, like how he always does.

 

But come night, when Hanbin was out in the studio with Bobby, while Chanwoo, Jinhwan and Yunhyeong were at Winner’s dorm, Donghyuk happened to overhear Junhwe crying inside their room. He could have done an about-face and let his chingu have his alone time; cry out his frustrations and wake up the next day with renewed vigor.

 

That didn’t sit very well with Donghyuk, however. It bothered him so much and just standing there doing nothing worsened the feeling. There was a last shot of hesitation, reminding him that he probably wasn’t the best person to comfort Junhwe. Yet Jinhwan’s words of taking the initiative also resurfaced, so Donghyuk decided it’s time.

 

He’d brought in two bottles of soju and a large-sized bag of barbeque-flavored chips. Junhwe cursed when he offered to keep him company, all the while wiping his tears and adjusting himself so Donghyuk can sit beside him.

 

Donghyuk resisted the urge to grin for not being rejected. Looks like Jinhwan’s right about taking the initiative.

 

And it was going well at first. He’d handed Junhwe one bottle and Junhwe accepted it without any complaint. The junk food was opened and they silently sipped and ate. It wasn’t one bit awkward and Junhwe even leaned his body more to him, enough so their shoulders are bumping. The soft playing of a Bruno Mars song in the background is a nice touch.

 

Then Donghyuk started talking and things went south.

 

He wanted to give reassurance, to comfort Junhwe further using words. It wasn’t your fault, he said. But it’s still a valuable lesson learned. I’m here for you. Let’s do better next time.

 

Junhwe tensed up, sighed heavily, then placed his soju bottle back on the floor. Donghyuk watched in nervous confusion as Junhwe stood and grabbed a jacket flung over Hanbin’s desk chair.

 

“W-Where are you going?”

 

“Out. Jogging.”

 

Why? Donghyuk almost blurted. Junhwe left their room before he could even think of a better thing to say, and he stayed there wondering what he did wrong.

 

Much later, when it was almost midnight and Junhwe still hadn’t returned, he’d went out of their room to see if the other members knew where his chingu was. Turned out he didn’t even have to ask anyone. Jinhwan’s door wasn’t closed, a gap opened enough so the light of a low lamp filters out and the hushed voices from inside can be heard if he stood directly in front of the door. There were sniffles, soft sobs, and frustrated grunts.

 

One more careful step and Donghyuk was able to peek. Jinhwan and Junhwe were sitting side-by-side, Junhwe’s head downcast as Jinhwan rubbed circles on the other’s back. No words were exchanged; only the silence and Donghyuk instantly got it - the reason why Junhwe closed himself to him earlier.

 

The shame Donghyuk felt was so heavy he felt suffocated. He still had a lot to learn.

 

 

--

 

 

And an apology to give.

 

Donghyuk offered a can of the peach flavored carbonated drink plus two packets of convenience store hotbars. They’re the only things he can manage considering the “No alcohol before flight” rule the managers have on them.

 

(The peach drink technically contains alcohol, but no one except Hanbin gets tipsy from it, so.)

 

“I’m sorry.” he simply said, knowing Junhwe won’t need explanations and excuses.

 

Junhwe accepted his peace offerings then told him to buy another one of the peach drink from the store. “I can’t be the only one getting in trouble for this.”, he said. Donghyuk smirked, Junhwe smirked back, and that was that.

 

Junhwe still hadn’t opened his heart more, but that’s alright. He’ll just apply what he’d selfishly advised to Junhwe: do better next time.

 

--

 

There were many “next time”s but he ultimately didn’t grab them.

 

Thing is, when he can barely hold himself up, he has no business trying to build onto his bonds with other people. Days went by so fast and the pressure pushed onto them had been increasing tremendously. Their concert sales statistics had been huge, yes, but so was the helplessness in maintaining what they’ve established at debut. One by one, their homeland fans move on to other groups, and the frustrations with waiting would bleed into disappointment and high expectations. All the while, they can only watch and give the usual promises.

 

Barely any sleep, memorizing lyrics in 3 languages, familiarizing choreography for songs that may or may not be released. Sometimes it’s so difficult to breathe, Donghyuk felt like he was drowning. Shopping couldn’t do much for him anymore. Not as much as how food and drinks comfort him, that is.

 

Before he knew it, he’d started hearing passing remarks; started reading loosely-made comments.

 

“Dongdong’s getting thick. So cute.”

 

But ‘getting thick’ wasn't what he had in mind.

 

“His cheeks are full compared to before. He must be eating well.”

 

He’s indeed eating well. Was it a bad thing..?

 

“Shouldn't he think of losing some weight now? kekeke”

 

...Maybe he should. He didn't feel as light as before.

 

So that’s what he did. No food as much as possible, complement that with exercising at the gym. If his body can gain weight easily, it can lose it just as easily too. Anything to please their fans.

 

A few months, he did that. A few months and he could finally look in the mirror and be confident that he’s a better version of himself. But instead of praises, he got outcries.

 

s and their dear fans were worried. Suddenly, the better side he worked hard for became something horrific. Numerous tangles formed in his head, confusion and shame mixing in, and Donghyuk didn’t quite understand. He only wanted to improve himself so he can make their fans happy; show a better image to s too. What went wrong?

 

It was a few days before Christmas when he’d snapped. There was a Black Label Jack Daniel’s hidden in their dorm, gifted by one of their close YG staff awhile ago. He knew Jaeho-manager’s personality enough to guess where the liquor was hidden, and his luck didn’t fail him.

 

The bottle was already opened, perhaps by Jinhwan or Junhwe (or both). Jaeho-manager wasn’t there, his other members were doing their own things and no one was paying attention to him at the very moment. He had a mug with him and filled it up with the alcohol right then and there.

 

He couldn’t finish it; was quite a while since he last drank. The next thing he knew, he’s vomiting in the bathroom. Not much later, he’s taken to the hospital.

 

All their managers scolded him. His mom scolded him. s will probably scold him the moment he got back. He felt bad, ashamed, nervous at the same time. Relief only came when the Christmas Vlive he should have been a part of, has ended. s said they missed him and their fans left hundreds of comments wishing for him to get well.

 

“We just want you to be healthy.” they said. A huge burden had been lifted but a smaller one replaced it. That’s totally alright. It’s a needed burden to make sure he won’t worry s and fans again.

 

Yet he felt a bit empty too, as if something inside him, that he couldn’t quite put on, remained unsettled. It felt like he’d lost something along the way.
 

 

--

 

 

What barely saved him was a text message sent to him a little past midnight. It was eery seeing Junhwe’s name flash on his notifications, telling him that his chingu had sent him not a KKT message, but an actual sms.

 

“Just want to make it clear that I do have your number.” the text message said. “Saved it twice keke.”

 

Also,

 

“I meant what I said in the vlive. You’re 3/4s of our dumb group so do us a favor and go back to being our Kim Donghyuk.”

 

Three-fourths… He was surprised when Junhwe said that during the Vlive. So his fellow 97-liner wasn’t exaggerating? It’s difficult to believe though. Also, their Kim Donghyuk?

 

iKON’s Kim Donghyuk. His brothers’ Kim Donghyuk. Then asking him to “go back”... was Junhwe implying he wasn’t himself anymore?

 

A small irritation brewed inside Donghyuk. Who did Junhwe think he was, assuming things about him? They weren’t even truly close - a fact Donghyuk had always been bitter about underneath all the worries about his skills, his image and worth.

 

...But then, if he asked himself who “Kim Donghyuk” really is, would he be able to answer it confidently? A shiver ran down his spine.

 

His fingers slightly shaking, he typed in his reply.

 

“‘Your’ Kim Donghyuk? Who’s that?”

 

It didn’t take more than a minute before Junhwe responded. Somehow the speed of it made Donghyuk even more annoyed.

 

“Someone who loves himself enough to know the most important things. His music, his dance, and his happiness.”

 

Donghyuk didn’t reply after that.

 

It was so Junhwe-like to type out the words in a straightforward fashion, getting his point across clearly and without frills. Did Donghyuk feel offended? Quite. It didn’t really help to be told by someone who has everyone’s immediate love and attention even if he wasn't doing anything. Yet Junhwe’s words also made Donghyuk think hard about what he was doing. If his actions truly came from loving himself. If he still recognizes Kim Donghyuk.

 

He ended up sobbing under the hospital sheets when he finally got the answer. It was difficult to swallow but it’s alright because at the end of it, he found the will to face everyone - their fans and his precious members, more honestly. From there, he'll start once again.

 

 

--
 

 

The day he was discharged, all the members were there waiting. They welcomed him back to the dorm with cheers, pulling him into a group hug and reiterating his value in their group and in their friendship. He was about to tear up but Bobby and Chanwoo told him it wasn’t allowed in a festive mood, so he laughed away the pending tears.

 

He was also promised a party for his birthday in a few days. It wasn’t a gesture Donghyuk was particularly expecting, but it was still a very nice way to start a new year.

 

“It’s your party but don’t expect to have even champagne. Managers’ orders.” Junhwe told him when they retired to their shared room. Hanbin was once again out for his night-shift of making music.

 

Donghyuk shrugged. “It’s okay. I don’t plan to drink, anyway.”

 

“Yet. I bet you’ll try the hard ones as soon as you’re fully recovered.”

 

“Yeah, but with discretion.”

 

Junhwe snickered. Donghyuk watched him climbed up to the top bunker of their double-decker bed.

 

Meanwhile, a bulbasur plushie caught Donghyuk’s attention, sitting beside his fox pillow. He vaguely remembered it being a fan gift. Not for him, though. What was it doing in his bedspace?

 

A cough from the top bunk, and then,

 

“...ah, seriously why are there so many bulbasurs from fans. I need to let go of a few.” Another cough.

 

Donghyuk blinked at the awkward delivery of the words before staring at the plushie. Somehow he’s reminded of that early morning before a scheduled flight, when he gave Junhwe hotbars and a can of carbonated peach drink.

 

A peace offering.

 

He smiled, acknowledging the gift with a happy remark about how his fox plushie has a new friend now. There was another cough from Junhwe, and then nothing. Donghyuk chuckled softly at that. The new year’s already showing promise. He can definitely do better now.

 

 

--

 

 

It was after a particularly intense day of dance practice, a week after they’ve been given Bling Bling choreography, when Donghyuk finally decided to try with Junhwe again.

 

“I’m thinking of getting some soju. Wanna come?”

 

Junhwe glanced at him from the TV, hopping off from the couch and patting his pockets to see if his wallet’s there. “Sure, but we’ll also get ddbeobotki. I’m not drinking without it.”

 

Donghyuk expected as much, pausing for a moment to gather words. “Okay, then how about lamb skewers and wine next time?”

 

It’s a bit embarrassing how he unconsciously held his breath while he waited for Junhwe’s answer. Because while he was getting nervous by himself, Junhwe just nodded at him in a carefree way - as if he didn’t catch the underlying meaning in Donghyuk’s question.

 

But Junhwe did because,

 

“I’m game. After that though, let’s go back to the basics with chicken and beer. You’re getting too infatuated with wine.”

 

Well, then.

 

“Sounds like a plan.” Donghyuk couldn’t help the grin splitting on his face. Junhwe smirked amusedly, teasing him for being too excited for more alcoholic adventures before going ahead towards the front door.

 

It’s not the liquor Donghyuk’s excited about, actually. But that shouldn’t really matter.

 

 

--

 

 

Thinking back on it, it should have mattered. Because if Donghyuk had contemplated more on it - on the reason why he didn’t care about whatever drink they were going to consume together because his focus was on the person, and how it had been that way from then on, maybe Donghyuk would have prepared himself more; anticipated and adjusted accordingly, pull back before he stepped over the line.

 

But he didn’t so when he’d became aware, he was already on the other side of the line and not even remembering when and how he stepped over.

 

“...Are you and Bobby-hyung…?”

 

It’s quite amusing how it dawned on him. There weren’t fireworks of celebration or the slow motion sequences in dramas where the romantic soundtrack plays. The clock had just 11:47 on a November night, almost 2 months before the release of a hit song that would redeem them in the eyes of their boss and their homeland. All Donghyuk had was the four walls of the messy dining area for the setting, Dean’s Instagram playing from his phone as the so-called soundtrack, and the noises of two young men chomping on shrimp chips as sound effects. The two glasses of Chivas Regal whisky drowned in ice served as accent.

 

He’d tilted his head at Junhwe’s vague question, to which he was given a shrug and the repeated inquiry. This time, much clearer.

 

“Are you and Bobby-hyung dating?”

 

Donghyuk could still afford to be entertained at that moment. He’d winced and laughed and blurted “I’m going crazy” about 3-5 times before sipping from his whiskey, shaking his head. He wondered out loud if he should admit it or not - just for the giggles, and Junhwe rolled his eyes at him. “Just answer!” Junhwe insisted with a childish pout and Donghyuk blurted, “No, of course not!” in between another laugh.

 

He would have teased Junhwe’s for being curious about his relationship with their rapper hyung, but a follow-up question was thrown.

 

“Then do you like someone right now?”

 

Yes, you.

 

It was so automatic, so smooth - the way his mind had pulled the answer for him. So unexpected, that it took awhile for it to dawn on him. The delay had given him enough time to say his intended answer.

 

“No.”

 

Junhwe was swirling the ice on his whisky but stopped when Donghyuk uttered the word. Then a slow nod and a big gulp of the liquid.

 

By that time, it was starting to sink into Donghyuk so in an act to further pull himself together, he’d thrown the question back. Which was a foolish move, Donghyuk had to admit.

 

“How about you? Anyone you like?”

 

A glance, a shrug, then, “No.”

 

Donghyuk nodded too then changed the focus to the other members of their group. Soon enough, he and Junhwe were giggling and making fun of their members’ recent silly antics; the nature of their previous topic already forgotten.

 

 

--

 

 

Around 3 AM, when he couldn’t sleep even with the side effects of drinking, the whole conversation finally dawned on him in its full effect.

 

Yes - his mind had answered, crystal clear. It turned out he actually likes someone.

 

He turned to his right, eyes landing on the slightly worn bulbasur plushie by the wall. Sighing, he reached over to poke a finger on its nose part, a little above the character’s smile.

 

Junhwe’s smile.

 

Yes,

You.

 

“Stupid.” He groaned and buried the plushie underneath his duvet, warmth coloring his cheeks.

 

And yet,

 

“How about you? Anyone you like?”

 

“No.”

 

Plastering both hands on his face, he ignored the forming tears in his eyes.

 

“Kim Donghyuk, you idiot.”

 

He allowed a soft laugh to escape his lips. Look at him realizing his feelings and finding out it’s unrequited at the same time.

 

.

.

.

 

(

 

Yet if Donghyuk had paid more attention, he would have seen a completely separate but critically important scenario.

 

He would have noticed the tensed muscles on Junhwe’s jaw when he threw the question about dating Bobby. He would have seen how the same tensed muscles relaxed, together with the stance of Junhwe’s shoulders, when he said no.

 

And perhaps, if Donghyuk’s mind hadn’t been distracted by the sudden realization of his feelings, he would have noticed too how Junhwe’s grip on his whiskey glass had tightened when he said the same “no” about liking someone. And the way that grip never lightened, almost breaking the glass, until they bid each other good night.

 

)

 

 

 

.

.

.

 

Junhwe supposes it was meant to be - how he and Donghyuk will never be in the same footing. They have some uncanny similarities but they’re still very different people. Being of same age didn’t make things easier and instead, even became a hindrance in some ways.

 

In most ways, it’s all about their differences. At how Donghyuk is sunny and smiley and warmly open, while Junhwe is boisterous and all-smirks and cautious. Deeper than that, it’s all about the kind of person they are outside of their idol careers. It’s the kind of thought that always lingered inside Junhwe’s mind.

 

Ah, but Junhwe wasn’t fully aware of that at first. He was too busy practicing when he was 16; by 18, debut was all he thought about. At 21, his priority was to be seen as a man. Hence, the alcohol.

 

They say a man who can hold down his drink is dependable and mature, so he’d wanted to “train” his tolerance as best as he could. Soon enough though, he realized it really doesn’t matter. Hanbin at it but still remained the core of their group. Junhwe became one of the best drinkers but it’s not like he matured proportionally. Thankfully, he ended up loving alcohol (with dubious moderation, he admits) and all the conversations and bonding he gets from drinking with another person. Jinhwan is his main drinking buddy, then the other members in random times.

 

Of course Donghyuk is no exception to it. He’s even no. 2 in Junhwe’s list, but it took quite a long time before they got to that point. The reason was the proverbial wall. The same wall that still exists even now when he and Donghyuk are sharing only one tall glass of Hite craft beer, and they’re limb-to-limb talking casually by the sturdy frame of their bunk bed.

 

Somehow the setting reminded him of that night, about a year ago, when Donghyuk came in with soju and wanting to comfort him about his clubbing scandal, but had ended up unintentionally strengthening the walls of his insecurities.

 

“I have a confession to make.” he blurts, sipping a bit from the glass and returning it on the floor. This is one of the reasons why he likes drinking. The boost of confidence and fearlessness is needed.

 

“I didn’t like you.”

 

Donghyuk snorts, abandons the bag of shrimp-flavored chips he’s been holding for a moment, and grabs the glass to sip too. “Yeah, I had a hunch.”

 

Junhwe nods curtly. “You were… I don’t know, your vibe, everything…”

 

“I was too different.”

 

Junhwe thinks for a second. Agreed, but it isn’t the exact answer.

 

“No, you were too perfect.”

 

He felt Donghyuk tense up, muttering “what” as he tilted his head. The disbelief was obvious on Donghyuk’s face. By now, Junhwe’s already fully aware that Donghyuk is far from perfect. But once upon a time, he really did see Donghyuk like that, both in a good and bad way.

 

He spilled it to Donghyuk: the admiration and the corresponding envy. Of how he was both in awe and bitter about dancing - his first love, because Donghyuk was so much better with it than he will ever be. Of how he saw in Donghyuk the qualities he wished he had. The qualities he lacked outside of being an idol.

 

He’d put Donghyuk on a separate pedestal and looked from a distance, erecting a wall between them.

 

“You were like the walking embodiment of the things I lacked and it… .”

 

“No wonder you didn’t want to talk or hang out with me often.” Donghyuk didn’t answer right away but once he did, he used that tone reserved for his Vnights, making Junhwe feel a bit special. “In my defense, I was also jealous of a lot of things you have that I don’t. Your voice and your confidence, for example. That’s besides other things.”

 

And that’s why. That’s why in the end, despite the differences and the proverbial wall, they were still able to sit side by side sharing not just a glass of beer but also their awkward truths. It’s… weird and didn’t seem logical but it made sense for Junhwe. For Donghyuk too, he’s sure. And Junhwe’s glad for it because he’d always longed for this kind of connection with Donghyuk.

 

“How about now, June?” Donghyuk wrapped his arms around his knees, grinning softly at him. His cheeks pinkish from the alcohol. “Do you still dislike me?”

 

No.

 

In fact, more than this already established connection, more than the drinking sessions and the confessional conversations, he--

 

“You’re tolerable now.”

 

“Pfft. Okay. The feeling’s mutual.” Donghyuk laughed at his sarcasm then lifted up the beer glass again, sipping a bit and handing it over to him. “Here’s to being tolerable friends.”

 

Junhwe snorts but still accepts the glass, gulping what’s left of the bitter liquid. “Yeah”, he agreed.

 

Ah, but not about their feelings being mutual. Because Junhwe had lied and Donghyuk has no idea, no idea that for Junhwe, his feelings are much more than what he’d superficially implied.

 

And that is why they’re still in separate sides. He and Donghyuk remained different.

 

 

--
 

 

The process of developing “feelings” for Donghyuk is lost to Junhwe. He doesn’t know the exact steps of how it happened because when he’d become self-aware, he was already at the point of no return. But there were hints; little peeks here and there that pointed Junhwe toward that direction.

 

A hand gently clasped on his kneecap in comfort, for example. A can of alcoholic peach drink offered as peace offering. Even the spoken comforting words that felt patronizing to him were all factors.

 

There were other memorable moments, perhaps even much more of the fleeting ones that had slipped in between the depths of the greed for music and the cracks of his insecurities. All of which led to the moment of realization.

 

That revelation story wasn’t any more interesting.

 

“Wow, the song is daebak.”

 

“Makes you wanna cry with the leads, right?”

 

“Yeah, and look at that shot. It’s so good.”

 

Unlike this movie he’s watching with Donghyuk, wherein the theme song plays in the background and a dramatic shot is used to show the main guy realizing his love for the main girl, Junhwe’s realization happened in quite a chaotic setting. It was on the stage, during an encore among iKON’s screaming fans.

 

“Do you think it's like that for other people? Like they'd hear their favorite love song in their head and they'll feel like everything's in slow mo?”

 

Junhwe doesn't know about other people. But for him, it was more of a reflex action by his brain and when it dawned, all he had was cold sweat and his inner voice hitting the final nail with, “, really?” It was the most boring eye-opener ever.

 

“Yeah, I don't know. Maybe.” He coughed a bit then took another sip of Jinhwan's experimental cocktail. It still tasted weird. “Or it could be like a snap. No fireworks and ballad OST.”

 

Like that moment when Junhwe caught sight of Donghyuk serenading their fans with Long Time No See during that encore stage. He’d looked, watched the way Donghyuk’s lips curved into a smile, at how his eyes twinkled under the arena lights, the adoring gaze he had towards their fans. And like the “snap” he mentioned, Junhwe had thought - with clarity and solemn acceptance,

 

“June-ya? You got quiet.”

 

Ah, I like him.

 

Donghyuk blinks up at him, not knowing how the eye contact makes Junhwe swallow a lump in his throat in an attempt to control himself from leaning down to taste his lips. Junhwe frowns and sips from the cocktail glass again, grimacing a second after.

 

“You’re still trying to finish that up?”

 

He lets Donghyuk take the glass away and watched him gobble up the remaining contents as if to show he could do better. It didn’t end well with Donghyuk coughing and snatching his cider from the coffee table to ease up the taste. Junhwe allows himself to laugh.

 

“How are you going to upgrade to whiskey when you can't even handle Jinani's cocktails?”

 

“Says the one who grimaces at each sip.” Donghyuk sticks his tongue at him then drinks from his can of cider again. The movie transitions into another scene showing comedic banter between supporting characters. “Jinani-hyung will kill us if he saw our reactions.”

 

Junhwe shrugged. “He would, but he isn’t here and we won’t be telling a soul.”

 

“Yeah.” Donghyuk nudges their shoulders together, giggling softly. “It’ll be our little secret.”

 

Junhwe clenches a fist, resists the urge to tell Donghyuk to stop doing and saying things that made him more endearing.

 

He should have said it though, or at least hinted on it because Donghyuk didn't stop being endearing with his words and actions. It would be months before Donghyuk became fully capable to drink whiskey and by that time Junhwe would already be desperate to keep himself in check.

 

Yet hoping for that reality check, he would make the mistake of asking about Bobby. The results of that seemingly nonchalant conversation should have given him resignation, but instead had crushed his spirits while mockingly emphasizing that his feelings still have no plans of pulling a stop.

 

 

--

 

 

If Junhwe’s main drinking buddy is Jinhwan, for Donghyuk it’s Bobby.

 

It was a natural turn of events. Donghyuk and Bobby always had a special connection that extends beyond just being close friends and team members and when they turned adults, Bobby was quick to patiently guide Donghyuk into Korea’s drinking culture. Jinhwan took over that role from time to time, but that’s beside the point.

 

Junhwe often thought about it - the true nature of his same-aged friend’s relationship with Kim Jiwon. Once upon a time, he'd just fleetingly wonder about it, like a casual thought that disappears as soon as his attention is shifted elsewhere. It evolved when he developed feelings for Donghyuk, thus the sleepless nights of exhaustive pondering as Donghyuk and Bobby's laughter softly echoes throughout the dorm.

 

Suffice to say, Junhwe ended up convincing himself Donghyuk only sees Bobby, will only see Bobby, and no one else.

 

That's why it's quite a shock for him when Donghyuk started going to him more often than to the rapper, when drinking is involved. It's easy to label it as just a friendly gesture, but Junhwe's feelings enable him to see more and twist it to a perception he desires. For example, thinking the reason why Donghyuk spills deep stuff only to him, the reason he smiles and laughs and relaxes a little more when they're together, the reason why Donghyuk looks at him like that, with or without alcohol, is because Junhwe is special.

 

Junhwe finds himself hoping, and that shouldn't happen. He's comfortable with what he has with Donghyuk, of the nights drinking together and of the days they play around and work in ease of each other's presence. Never mind that he wants to press his lips onto Donghyuk's, and touch him much more than the pats on the back and shoulder squeezes.

 

So what did he do? On a night of their usual drinking session, he asked about the real score between Donghyuk and Bobby for that needed reality check. Donghyuk dashed that out however and to Junhwe's panic, he ended up being so stupidly relieved.

 

And with that same stupidity, he asked if Donghyuk liked someone. The “no” should have been enough of a pull back down, but instead became a fuel for his controlled frustrations.

 

Because “no” means Junhwe isn't special, isn't liked by Kim Donghyuk, and Junhwe despaired over it. He underestimated the magnitude of his feelings.

 

“How do you get over an unrequited love?”

 

“...is that a hypothetical question, or…?”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

Of course it does, Bobby said. The context would apparently help him decide whether to give the idealistic answer or not. Bobby pauses to open another beer can, eyes flitting over him in curiosity due to his question. Frankly, Junhwe doesn't even know why the he's asking such a thing from the original thorn in his unrequited love perils.

 

“You go see other people.” The rapper's tone is rather serious when he blurted the words. “Go far away and date.”

 

Perhaps the dread on his face is so obvious because Bobby followed it up with an alternative. Either way, Junhwe doesn't see himself acting on them.

 

“Or you can pursue. Try flipping the unrequited to be requited.”

 

Junhwe watches the rapper do two gulps of the beer. He glances at his own can of the liquid, suddenly losing an interest to take even a sip. “What if you don't do either?”

 

“Then nothing happens. Both of you will go on with your life but the difference is you stay pining and the other person stays loving someone else.” There’s a small change in Bobby’s voice, his tone becoming mildly cautious. “But what do I know, really? It depends on your circumstances.”

 

The beer Junhwe ignored suddenly looked tempting. He takes a sip, then another, then decides he needs one more can.

 

“It's hypothetical.”

 

“...Sure.”

 

Bobby may or may not have seen through his bluff, but he appreciates how the rapper slides into a different topic. An attempt to lighten up his mood.

 

Junhwe doesn't quite appreciate the topic of choice though.

 

“...and Donghyuk screeches, man. Like a legit high-pitch screech. Chanu and I were rolling on the floor but because Donggu's biased towards the maknae, I ended up getting the smack and kick. That brat. He's lucky I love him.”

 

Bobby laughs and chokes on his beer, cackling at himself right after. Junhwe spares him a small grin - just for the attempt to cheer him up.

 

Ah, but dammit. He wishes he can easily say he loves Donghyuk too.

 

 

--

 

 

Pining is manageable, Junhwe decides. It's not like he hurts Donghyuk and the other members, and it's not like he's at his wits end trying to control himself whenever Donghyuk says or does something that tugs his heartstrings even more.

 

Like Donghyuk's tight backhugs. Donghyuk's been doing that a lot more to him lately and , it's difficult. But Junhwe's good at masking his internal swooning when Donghyuk does it in their dorm, and it's even better when there are fans around to keep himself in check, so there's that.

 

… Yeah, he really isn't at his wits end.

 

His poems are his savior. The perfect outlet for his feelings. He has a separate notebook reserved for those poems, kept in a drawer and not shown to anyone else. It's filled now and he's already at poem #4 in his 2nd one.

 

Poem #5 & 6, maybe even 7, 8 and 9 will soon be in it too, because his muse decides to invade his creative space. A bottle of Gilbey’s gin and two empty glasses are raised to him as Donghyuk entered his room, a grin split on his face. It’s about 10 minutes after midnight - way past Donghyuk's usual drinking hours in the dorm.

 

“I'm feeling some gin right now and I need you to drink with me.” Donghyuk says, giggling to himself as he carefully closes the door with his foot.

 

Frankly, Junhwe’s not in the mood for drinking but it’s not like he’d rather send Donghyuk away, no. Not when these drinking sessions started becoming more and more spaced out. Junhwe sighs and closes his notebook - actions that seemed to take Donghyuk aback because he stops from going to his bed and the grin instantly drops.

 

“Oh. Were you writing? I'm sorry, I should have asked first.”

 

“No, it's fine.” Junhwe kind of hated how fast he blurted that out. “I'm running into a writer's block anyway.”

 

“Then you need a break.” Donghyuk's grin is back on his face again and Junhwe kind of hated too how he just grins back automatically.

 

Between the two of them, Junhwe has the better tolerance by far and Donghyuk is fully aware of it. Yet for an unknown reason, Donghyuk has no qualms filling up his glass with gin - an alcoholic drink Donghyuk isn’t even fond of, and consuming it as if it’s just plain water. Junhwe just let Donghyuk be for the first glass, thinking that maybe Donghyuk is feeling particularly brave tonight. He starts worrying when Donghyuk is giggling and swaying and can barely hold his 4th fill in his hand.

 

“Okay, that’s enough.” Junhwe grabs Donghyuk’s hand and carefully takes the glass out of Donghyuk’s grip. His same-aged friend pouts deeply but didn’t make a move to retrieve his drink.

 

“Seriously, what’s with you? You’re usually not like this when we drink. We barely even talked.”

 

Donghyuk sways again so he pulls himself more onto his bed, leaning his back on the wall. “What’s wrong with just drinking?”

 

Nothing. But, “Why are you even here Donghyuk?” Junhwe makes sure his tone is softer. “You can just drink in your room if you don’t want to talk. You’ll be more comfortable there.”

 

“...Are you saying I can’t be comfortable with you?”

 

Junhwe blinks, a small frown appearing on his face. Where did that even come from? “No, it’s not like that. We always talk when we drink so I’m just wondering…”

 

Donghyuk pouts again, his clouded eyes narrowing and making the air quite tensed. He says he just misses being roommates with him, of the times when he sees Junhwe in the upper bunk whenever he goes inside their room. A part of Junhwe quickly notes that Donghyuk only mentioned him and not their other former roommate - Hanbin, but he quickly dashes it away. It’s not the right time for such thoughts. Besides, he’s increasingly becoming worried about Donghyuk’s weird behavior.

 

“Why? Are you lonely?” he adds a playful sneer, to hide his growing nervousness about the situation and to make it obvious that he’s trying to lighten up the mood. Drunk or not, Donghyuk always retorts as a joke.

 

And yet,

 

“Yes, I’m lonely. I’m lonely more than ever especially when I'm with you. But it’s funny because here I am clinging to you like this despite it.”

 

Junhwe freezes in shock.

 

Everything blanked out for him. He isn’t even sure he’s properly processing what he sees and hears around. He only got out of his trance when he heard a thump when Donghyuk collapses on his sheets.

 

A surge of worry caused Junhwe to stand up from his desk chair and launch himself on his bed to check if Donghyuk is alright. He releases a breath when he sees Donghyuk just fell asleep out of drunkenness, which means he shouldn’t take Donghyuk’s words seriously.

 

But . He can’t just dismiss those words. Not when Donghyuk spoke them with unnerving clarity and an obvious bitterness. Junhwe can’t help but be anxious. Did he do something wrong? Said something offensive or misleading for Donghyuk to feel lonely with him?

 

...But why with him? Is Donghyuk's loneliness the same with Junhwe's?

 

Because he feels lonely with Donghyuk too. Cold and empty with his longing of something Donghyuk can only give. And yet Junhwe stays on his spot because he’s a coward and he doesn’t want to lose what he already has.

 

Gritting his teeth, Junhwe stands up from his bed, staring down at Donghyuk accusingly; silently pleading for an explanation. He knows he won’t get it though. Not only because Donghyuk is asleep, but because Junhwe won’t even ask.

 

 

--

 

 

My loneliness comes from being with you

because you don't know that I want you,

and I can't even let you know just how much.

 

Yet I'd rather be here, feeling lonely with you

than be lonely without you at all.

 

Secret Poem # 5 comes so easily, it makes Junhwe feel a bit annoyed. It , lacks any imagery and too realistic. Too spot on and hopeful, he isn’t sure if he wants to keep it.

 

But one look at Donghyuk sleeping soundly on his bed makes Junhwe reel. Makes his heart feel warm and content amidst the cold ache and longing, and he decided to keep the poem - just for the memory of having Donghyuk this close. Finishing off what's left of the gin, he turns over #5’s page for a new one, like how he always covers his feelings whenever they’re unintentionally (and intentionally) brought up.

 

Give in. Pull back. Move on the next day.

 

Repeat.
 

 

--

 

 

Yet Junhwe can only hang on so far.

 

He heard the news from Yunhyeong and Hanbin, and it took awhile for the information to sink it. When it did, he knew he can't go on doing nothing any longer. He foolishly thought he’ll be okay even after reaching a breaking point.

 

“I knew Minyoung has always liked Donghyuk. I didn't expect him to agree to go out with her, though.”

 

“Why not? Noona's kind and pretty. If things work out they'll be inseparable.”

 

“A Crazy dancer with our main dancer. Sounds like a match, right June?”

 

It does. It does sound like a match made in heaven.

 

“June, you okay there?”

 

Junhwe laughs and raises his bottle of whiskey as a toast to his hyung. He tips it to his lips, ignoring Jinhwan's yelp of protest as he drinks up the bitter liquid as much as he can take. The hyung is fast to take the bottle away after that, getting their glasses on the kitchen sink as a blatant sign that he's going to call it a night for the two of them.

 

“Go back to your room and sleep.” He sways a bit as Jinhwan carefully pushes him towards his door. “I don't know what's gotten into you but it's better to sleep that out. Not drink.”

 

Junhwe obliges, not having any desire to argue. His head pounds and the bitter aftertaste of whiskey settles even more on his tongue. He hates how it's no longer effective to make him feel numb, but it does remind him of that talk with Bobby. He was given three “hypothetical” options.

 

Looks like the time to make another choice has come.

 

 

--

 

 

She's… cute. Long black hair styled in simple waves, light makeup with a focus on her eyes. Her outfit consists of pastels and soft lace - an ensemble put together to show a pure, feminine image.

 

His sister does the introduction, saying how her hoobae plays the violin well and such. Junhwe only listens half-heartedly; he can already tell he and the girl has little to nothing in common. But she seems nice; smiles back shyly when he smiles at her, listens well when he talks, and gives him most of her attention.

 

Most of all, she doesn't dance like fire, doesn't sing like an angel, and doesn't laugh like the sun shines merely for her.

 

He invites her to drink with him in a very private restaurant when his noona finally left them. She says she'll drink whatever he recommends, so he orders up one of his favorite white wines - a Riesling. Cheap but perfect for pleasant conversations.

 

Yet as pleasant as their talk is, the wine somehow tasted bland, as if it's a completely different grade. Not as tasteful and satisfying as when he's drinking it with--

 

“Junhwe-ssi?”

 

It takes him a moment more to completely release a growing tension in his shoulders.

 

“Sorry, just got a shot of tiredness right there.” He gives an apologetic smile to his companion, and the girl immediately assures that it's alright. She asks if they should end the date early and just meet up again.

 

“No, it's such a waste don't you think?”

 

The girl studies him, blushes, then nods shyly as she admits she doesn't want the night to end yet.

 

“Me too.” he says as he holds his wine glass towards her for a toast.

 

She timidly responds then smiles widely after. They sip the light golden drink and it still taste bland, but Junhwe thinks he can get used to it.

 

He'll just have to reorient himself.

 

 

--

 

 

“So, what’s her name?”

 

Junhwe thought he’d be hurt with the question, but surprisingly, he felt nothing.

 

“Park Yena.”

 

Donghyuk grins and goes to the fridge to get himself a can of Chilsung cider. “She’s younger?”

 

“Nah, we’re the same age. A hoobae from sis’ university.”

 

“Ah. A fan of yours, I bet.”

 

The comment made Junhwe smile a little. “She’s a Kim Hanbin fan, actually. But she said I’m next in her list.”

 

Donghyuk laughs softly and settles beside him, both of them leaning back on the kitchen countertop with the cupboards and messy dining table as their view. Silence reigns in comfortably as they sip their cider without noise, but Junhwe notices how their fingers are almost touching on the marble countertop.

 

“How are you and Minyoung-noona?”

 

Another grin splits on Donghyuk’s face, ear-to-ear. He quickly goes into a story of one of their dates - a dance practice where they got to make a short routine to a Tory Lanez song. Donghyuk has been fond of Tory Lanez for awhile now and Junhwe remembers jamming with Donghyuk on one of the artist's less rap-focused songs.

 

A shot of hurt runs through him. Junhwe doesn't know why he's doing this to himself.

 

“I hope you won't feel lonely anymore.”

 

“Yeah.” Donghyuk smiles at him before sipping again. “Thanks. You too.”

 

That's what Junhwe desperately hoped would happen.
 

 

--

 

 

It won't happen, it seems.

 

His girlfriend’s finally going to visit the dorm after weeks of finding the right time. Jinhwan and Bobby both agreed to sleep over at the upper floor for the night, while Donghyuk is out to who-knows-where.

 

Jaeho-manager listed to him the things he could and shouldn’t do before leaving him alone. He has about two and a half hours before he picks up Yena from the team’s trusted cafe, and it should be enough to do last minute preparations. He went over the movies he planned to play and scanned the flyers of delivery food pinned at their fridge. It was only when he saw Jinhwan’s nearly empty red wine bottle that he remembered Yena wasn’t really fond of full-bodied wine, and any hard alcohol drinks. Cider is an available option, but that won’t really set a good mood. There should be a better choice somewhere.

 

So Junhwe wandered around the kitchen, half-thinking and half-looking through cabinets to see if there’s a hidden bottle of light wine somewhere. Eventually, he went looking into his storage boxes, and ended up uncovering a forgotten yet perhaps the biggest symbol of his feelings for Donghyuk.

 

Still inside the thick, white carton bag with the logo of the store emblazoned, hidden under the old jackets and shirts stacked inside one of his two storage boxes, the sparkling rosé wine looked the same as it was the day he bought it in hopes of drinking it with Donghyuk about two years ago.

 

It's been more than 4 months since Junhwe started dating. He's doing fine; he and Yena have a really nice vibe going between them that's making him feel confident about their new relationship. Yet just one look. One ing look on the damn wine, and she's out of his head. Everything comes crashing back to Junhwe. From the night before WIN finale to this very day, suddenly things became clearer.

 

And he's not alright. Instead of bringing the wine out for his girlfriend, he wants to offer it to Donghyuk - tell him that the wine was for him and him only. Like his heart.

 

It shouldn’t be that way.

 

Junhwe storms out of his room with the bottle in hand, uneven breathing and hurried footsteps towards the floor's garbage compartment. He raises the bottle to throw it into one of the bins and he almost goes through it.

 

Almost, because he can't. It ing pained him as if he's going to hurt Donghyuk himself.

 

And Donghyuk? Still fine and dandy with his perfect match of a girlfriend. Junhwe's tempted to hate Donghyuk, but the thought itself makes Junhwe hate himself.

 

“.” he lets himself laugh; anger, guilt and resignation mixing in. “I see. No choice, huh?”

 

He’s doomed.

 

.

.

.

 

(

 

Not really doomed, if only he’d let himself look at Donghyuk more.

 

For example, that day when they stood side by side drinking cider.

 

The tight line in Donghyuk’s grins. His eyes not meeting Junhwe’s when he talked about his girlfriend. The mask Donghyuk had worn, cracking when Junhwe told him not to be lonely anymore. Donghyuk’s tight grip on his drink when Junhwe said Yena’s name.

 

And how Donghyuk reached for his hand when he turned away, pulling his hand back a moment after as a bitter face replaces his barely intact mask.

 

)

 

 

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Idk if this is allowed here (pls tell me right away if I’m violating any rules), but there’s going to be a JunDong Fic Exchange at ao3 and if there’s anyone here who wants to join, please DM @dongplum and @wae_hajima on twitter. I’m joining too and will be making an ao3 account for it! Please join my fellow jundong enthusiasts! ^^