12:14

The Past

My head hurts as if someone is playing hockey with it. The first feeling for today, how charming .. I decide to open my eyes, and I find myself in the same small room with the white curtains. It's empty now..  Ah D.O left yesterday. What time is it? I wonder, when I notice my thirst. My dry throat makes me reach for the water, but instead I take my phone from the side table.

"Sehun-ah, why aren't you answering?" The worry in my voice is so big, it can embrace the whole planet. I want to talk to him. I want to know.. Why didn't he tell me before? Just what on earth stopped him from telling me Kai was my boyfriend? Did he really not know his co-member had a girlfriend?

D.O maybe knew... Or not. He didn't leave a sign that he knows we dated.

- Jongin has died a year ago -

This is the sentence I did not want to believe. Why? Just how did he die? I couldn't wait anymore and I did not intend to.

Sehun didn't pick up his phone, so I just ended the phone call and angrily threw my phone on the white blanket covering me, where it landed softly.

I need to know. More than anything. I took my phone again and googled it.

"Kai exo"

There were so many titles. I ran through them until I reached a topic.

The more I read, the more my eyes were drowning in tears. I had to cover my mouth, so I don't release any sobs. The fans' comments were sad and it didn't make me feel any better. In fact it made it worse.

There was no sign he has ever dated me. This person and I were a secret. This photo was either my imagination, or he didn't wanna let anyone know, including his closest friends. If they were his friends for real, my voice whispered. If not, I needed to find his best friends..

I ran through my contacts once again.

"Hello, miss, what can I do for you? You haven't been home yesterday. Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine. I had a lot of work" I answered my maid "tell dad not to worry.. Have you found the picture?"

"I'm afraid not, miss. We have searched everywhere and no one claims to have thrown it away or even seen it. I'm sorry we can't find it anywhere."

It's so dear to me. It is..

"It's OK" I replied "I'll be home in some hours. Please prepare my bath"

"Yes miss.. What do you want me to tell your father?"

He hasn't even tried to reach me, I thought.

"Don't tell him anything. I'm perfectly fine. Just a bit tired. The new job is terrific"

"Yes miss"

I hung up and lay down on my pillow.

The picture is dear to me.. I need it so badly. And I regret everything. He didn't even have the chance to come and see me, this stranger whom I was so close to. I meant his stars and his sky.

"I'll help you remember" D.O's voice vividly swam into my head.

When? You're not here.

The next I remember was getting off my bed and out of the hospital. The doctor told me some words of how to be careful about something I didn't even hear. I didn't hear anything he said. I just wanted to get to the funeral house as fast as possible.

Why the funeral house? I don't know to be honest, but I need to start from somewhere. I want to see it with my own eyes no matter how hurtful the truth will be. That he is no longer among us.

"Taxi"

The taxi stopped and I rolled in fast.

The sun didn't make it less cold for me. I was shaking in that taxi and I don't even know why. Was it even cold or it was nervousness? With each minute I was getting closer and closer to the person my head has chosen to erase, my heart beat faster and faster.

When I reached the funeral house, sun shined brightly, I had to cover my eyes from the sudden blindness I got when my sight fell on the white blinding snow.

Inside, I found him. His picture, and piles and piles of bouquets of flowers fans left him. As expected, there were no traces of me, of my existence in his life. I was just nothing, like there was never me and him.

I found myself staring at the picture of Kai.

"Are you OK? I wasn't there for you." My voice was shaking even though I didn't feel anything .. anything special. Yes.. He was someone once upon a time. But now...

"Many things have changed" I touched the glass where his face was. He was smiling as if nothing has happened. That smirk, the same smirk that was drawn on his face the day of the concert. "I am not sure where to begin" and where it will end... My thoughts returned to Sehun, but all I thought of him was .. How happy we will be, or.. How happy we can be despite what happened to Kai. Was it worth it to be with Sehun if Kai never deserved me.. After all this? I have forgotten him after all, even if we were something before? Do I have any right to love Sehun right now?

But he was there for me.. All this time.

"Sehun doesn't know" I stated to the picture in front of me, as if I needed Kai's permission or his reassurance "he doesn't, does he.. We were a secret, weren't we?"

Kai kept on smiling and smiling until my void turned into despair, and despair into anger. It wasn't fair! None of this was fair. It was so unfair I wanted to kill myself. Why did I exist right now after he was dead, leaving only questions and questions behind him. Questions that were even more than the piles of bouquets in this room.

"Weren't we? Hm? We were a secret right? It's not my imagination, right? I'm not hallucinating, and stop laughing!"

Kai stopped laughing, but his face turned into nothing but some blurred colors of something that once was, but will never be.

"Yaa.. " my sobbing voice echoed in my ears "tell me"

My hand shakingly reached for my phone in my pocket and without even thinking of anything, I just called ..

"Sehun?"

There was no answer, my sobs got even louder.

"Sehun, I need you more than anything. Come back, please, please! Please! Com..e..co..me" I hiccupped "please come back. I think I'm.."

It was true. There was nothing to prove us. Even the memory wasn't enough to prove anything. Even the picture was gone! It was gone!! Where did it go?

It never was, you pabo.

"I think I'm cra-zy" I admitted it to myself, to him, to the whole world.

"I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't want to be a part of this"

He died without you. He lived without you. You two were not a secret. You never happened to be anything!

"I think of stupid things, I overanalyze things, and I have hallucinations. I think I can't live without you. I just need you by my side, only you! You make ever.yth..thing..feel alright. I love you" my voice died in this last confession, a single whisper colored by loss and vanity. I missed him. He was my home and I was homesick. I wanted to see him, to hear him. Just f