39: In which Tao is the head chef at a very prestigious restaurant, he's got his hands full with a disobedient refrigerator called D.O., and Sehun is a busboy who occasionally moonlights as Tao's very own Mr. Fix-It. Pairing!TaoHun/SeTao, Restaurant!AU, Refrigerator!Kyungsoo, Crack!Fluff

“Yah.”

Oh god. He’s going crazy. Really, truly, certifiably insane becau—

“Yah!”

Scratch that. He isn’t going crazy. He’s already there. Where’s the straight jacket because Tao is a chef and knows better than anyone what goes on in his kitchen so he knows for sure that what he thinks is happening can’t really be happening. Fridges hum sometimes, sure. But they definitely do not talk.

“Excuse me, but now you’re just being rude.”

Except it’s 1 am and there is no one else in the entire restaurant, front or back. And yet someone is talking and if it isn’t Tao then of course, of course it must be the fridge. Tao’s too exhausted for this.

“What?” His voice is weak, defeated. He’s talking to an industrial size refrigerator and he’s probably insane.

“Aish! Finally!” The fridge—D.O.—is indignant and sort of smug and Tao kind of wants to smack it like it’s a real person or something. But then Tao remembers how much the stupid thing cost and how proud he once was to have D.O. in his kitchen so Tao clenches his fist and bites his tongue, hard. He wants to cry.

“What?” He repeats himself and he’s frowning now, rubbing hard at the panda bags under his eyes because it’s still 1 am and he’s still freaking exhausted. The day was already a long one when Jongdae went home sick right before the evening rush and Tao is so done. Just done. “What do you want…err…D.O.?”

“My mechanical anatomy is malfunctioning.”

Huh? What? Tao is a chef, not a handyman, and he probably knows more about the difference between scallops and scallions than he does about the inner workings of a refrigerator.  And scallops are so clearly not scallions that saying Tao can tell the difference is basically like saying he knows nothing at all. Which, in the case of annoyingly talkative refrigerators called D.O., he really doesn’t.

“What does that even mean?” Tao doesn’t know why he keeps talking to this machine like he and it are holding a two way conversation because it’s very clear to him that refrigerators can’t do that. He pulls his phone from his back pocket and holds it up to his face with a squint, not expecting the cellular device to start talking too but wanting to check just in case it decides to share with D.O. that Tao is sending out a frantic SOS to any and all restaurant employees.

Jongdae won’t respond; even if he isn’t sick the waiter has enough self-preservation to pretend so that Tao doesn’t get angry at being abandoned during the restaurant’s high tide. The head chef’s been known to break a few plates every once in a while. Or else go all wushu revenge warrior on some poor employee’s . Either way, Jongdae is sick.

Which leaves three other viable candidates. Or actually only one. Technically there’s Yixing and Baekhyun and Sehun but Tao saw the way his pastry chef and his restaurant’s host practically ate each other for dinner with their eyes. His food is great, dammit; if it doesn’t get eaten, there’s got to be a reason. For those two the reason was pretty obvious and now they’re probably busy getting busy. Tao doesn’t want to consider that. The details are nauseating but the point is that Tao is all on his own. With Sehun.

Busboy Sehun who sometimes changes light bulbs because he’s tall like that. And who makes emergency grocery runs when the restaurant is out of salt—which always happens no matter how much Tao orders in bulk. And who maybe also reminds Tao not to forget his own dinner while busy making food for everyone else.

Busboy Sehun who definitely has a crush on his boss. AKA the head chef and owner of the restaurant. AKA Tao.

D.O. is busy explaining what exactly is wrong, but Tao is having a mental breakdown and ignores him. It. The freaking fridge.

“I know food intimately. It lives inside me.” Gross. “And the food inside me is slowly spoiling. Something is wrong.”

Tao still isn’t listening because fridges can’t talk and if his does then that would mean Tao really is crazy. He hopes he’s not. If Tao happens to open the fridge to check if it’s still cool inside, that’s only because he’s feeling hot in the kitchen all of a sudden. It’s got nothing to do with D.O. Absolutely nothing. D.O. is a refrigerator and Tao is a chef and—

Tao’s phone beeps him out of a potential frenetic spiral. Thank god. He could have followed those thoughts really deeply down the rabbit hole which would have been bad. It’s nearing 1:30 in the morning so Tao can’t quite recall why that would be bad and he honestly doesn’t even care anymore. He just knows that rabbit holes are made by talking rabbits that don’t exist in the way that talking refrigerators don’t exist and so both are very bad.

The beep from his phone is Sehun who’s on his way to the restaurant to save Tao from himself and that’s bad too. Sort of. Maybe Sehun can get D.O. to shut up because Tao’s tired of hearing D.O. wax poetic about essentially birthing the food that Tao uses in his award-winning cooking. That’s good. But maybe Tao doesn’t know his own feelings for the deliciously tall busboy and he’s just so delirious with exhaustion right now that he can’t be liable if he does something unprofessional. That’s less good. (Read: bad.)

D.O. is declaring himself mother and Tao father of all of the restaurant’s dishes when Sehun finally steps in from the night. Tao is so happy to see another human being that he practically mauls the poor busboy whose cheeks turn red so quickly that Tao can feel the heat of Sehun’s embarrassment and it’s hot against his face.

“He likes you. I can tell.” Yes, thanks so much, D.O. As if Sehun’s drunken confession the night the restaurant had its grand opening and Tao treated everyone to drinks after closing wasn’t enough of a hint. Tao had no idea. Really.

Sehun’s breathing is suddenly really shallow and ringing loudly in Tao’s ears so the chef pulls away. He lets the busboy take a step away even though Sehun really needs to look at D.O. and just make the stupid refrigerator stop talking. Tao isn’t sure how much more he can take. That thing is rude and outspoken and frankly, downright disobedient, and Tao is so done.

“Sehun.” Tao knows he’s whining but that gets him stuff.  That and Sehun always smiles when Tao does aegyo and Tao likes that smile. “Something’s wrong. With the fridge.” He waves an arm and it’s vaguely in D.O.’s direction but the clock on the wall reads 2 am now so Tao might have just gestured to the storage pantry instead. He doesn’t know.

“It’s D.O.” It isn’t, actually. Refrigerators don’t have names. And Sehun doesn’t seem to hear any of D.O.’s squawks of outrage as the fridge’s doors are manhandled open and closed in search of the problem so Tao is pretty sure that he’s right and D.O. isn’t really talking. Was never really talking. Doesn’t really talk.

“Oh god. I’m going insane,” he says and Sehun is crouched on the floor but now he’s looking up at Tao with a question on his pretty face and a hand mussing bed head that might as well be hair for all that it does to Tao’s libido. Sehun’s eyelashes are so long and his lips are so red and his mouth is exactly in line with Tao’s crotch and at a perfect height for so many wonderfully naughty things but especially—

Tao. Stop. Tao. This is Sehun. Busboy Sehun who talks with a lisp that Tao hates because it’s just so damn cute and distracting. And who gushes over the silliest things like a smile from Tao or a compliment from Tao or just Tao. And who quietly replaces the plates that Tao breaks when Jongdae inevitably annoys him and Tao throws something.

Busboy Sehun who Tao is beginning to realize is actually a pretty great guy. And if he just so happens to also have a face and body that disrupt Tao’s thoughts and make the chef want to do things to Sehun in his kitchen that would make the place unsanitary for eternity, that’s pretty great too.

“I’m insane,” Tao repeats himself. “You—I—How did I miss this? You?” He isn’t talking about D.O. anymore and it seems like Sehun can tell. One second the busboy’s bending over to see if the refrigerator’s even plugged in and the next there’s cold metal biting into Tao’s back where he’s pressed up against the counter by the entirety of Sehun’s body. His breath hitches when Sehun leaves even closer and it’s an irritating reaction. How the hell is that possible? Right now Tao can’t even breathe.

Their noses brush. Sehun smells like toothpaste, the kind that makes Tao want to sneeze. He doesn’t and then they’re kissing. Somehow. All of a sudden. And D.O. is whining something like “My eyes!” and Tao’s so tired he’s practically just yawning into Sehun’s mouth but they’re finally, finally kissing.

Sehun pulls away first. That’s pretty fair since Tao pulled away from the hug first earlier but right now it’s just exasperating to Tao who only wants two things: sleep and Sehun. D.O. keeps complaining about public displays of affection and Tao extends that list to three things: sleep, Sehun, and a new refrigerator.

Disclaimer: Does this count as crack? I don't even know.