“Oppa!” I call out when getting through the door to the alley, stepping out in the late evening air. Manager Lee turns to the side with a cigarette in mouth, ready to lighten it. I want to go up to him, take that cigarette from him and throw it away, but instead I take a few steps forward, keeping distance between us but I can see his face in the neon lights surrounding the buildings above us. He looks angry. “Oppa,” I repeat. “You’re not supposed to be around me when I’m smoking, remember?” he shortly tells me and turns away. “Don’t smoke when I’m here then,” I answer with a frown. Manager Lee and I have definitely gone through a lot, and we can get so mad at each other at times that I think he really hates me. This year has been crazy between us, as if we are testing each other for how much annoyance the other one can take before flipping the table. I remember how he snapped completely after I hurt my leg at our concert, how angry he got when I didn’t want to take the painkillers and he just said all these things he thought and it was the first time I thought he actually want to work with me. He is, after all, assigned as my manager and not 5 Pieces’. “What happened in there?” I quietly ask, trying to do it in a chilled tone but I’m certain he knows my concern. “I took the glass from you,” he answers and I think he rolls his eyes in annoyance. “With Julia,” I add. He turns around, staring at me. “Don’t do that again.” “I’m not, you’re the one doing it,” I mumble. I don’t look at him as I walk over to the wall to lean against it carefully, hoping it isn’t dirty. The smell of the cigarette reached me when I stood over there, that disgusting smell. “We’re not having this conversation, Hannah. Not now, not ever,” Manager Lee answers. “If the two of us won’t have it I will bring it up with someone else,” I warn him and he looks up at me again. “What do you want?” he mutters. He knows what I want. I want it undone that he had with my friend – twice. “I want you to be honest with me,” I answer, “The same way you want me to be honest with you.” “No,” he shakes his head and takes a step to the side, “You have to be honest with me because that’s how I can do my job correctly. I don’t have to be honest with you.” It’s probably true. Standing there with me is an employee at SM Entertainment, the man working with me, the one spending his days making sure I follow my schedule, don’t overeat or skip meals, the one that makes sure I practice and learn what I need to know. I have to be honest with him so he can do his job correctly, that is true. And I know he doesn’t tell me the truth often, when I ask what was said at a meeting recently or about his opinion on something. At times he does what he is told. He is not working for me; he is working for SM Entertainment. Yet, I get upset hearing him say the truth. “You got jealous seeing her with that guy just now,” I say instead of bringing up other things. I need to stay on the track. “I did not.” His voice is low, a warning telling me he is not having any patience for this conversation. “Then why did you get angry?” I wonder. I want to ask if he likes her, but I don’t think I have the heart for it. What’s different now compared to a few months ago? I don’t want him to like her, I don’t want him connected with her – she is my friend and he is our manager. I don’t know why it upsets me so much, I just really don’t like it. I am frowning thinking of it, and just like it happened inside I don’t know if he answered my question. It takes seconds before I realise I can’t even remember what I asked. My frown disappear and I look at the side, quietly going through our conversation again in my head but my own thoughts that were thinking of what has happened keeps interrupting that my mind ends up becoming a big mess of memories and thoughts and I end up ignoring everything in my head. I glance up at him as I saw him turn away, but realises he in fact turned towards me. My eyes are playing a trick on me; no, not my eyes, it’s my mind. This hasn’t happened in a while. I don’t get this confused often, my mind messes up the information my senses brings me. From the corner of my eye I am certain I saw him turn away from me, but when looking up it was the opposite. It doesn’t happen often. I might forget I turned my alarm on; that’s why I check it several times after going to bed. I might get confused with what someone said and do the opposite because I am certain that is what I was told… “Hannah?” Looking up I realise I have spent too much time in my head and it’s like my head lifts up in an on-switch and my eyes focuses on Manager Lee. “I’m going back inside,” I mutter and start heading straight to the door. “You don’t have a clever comeback on my answer?” Manager Lee makes fun of me. He must’ve answered my question. What did he say? I have no memory of him saying anything at all. Glancing at him, I think of something to say, something neutral, but I can’t even remember what it was I asked and for that leave without saying anything to him. Since a car accident four years ago I have had so much trouble with my mind, mostly about numbers and colours but also about my memory from time to time. It’s nothing severe; some weeks it happens a lot while other weeks it is nothing. Because my mind has never interrupted me on the stage or in practice, no one has noticed it. I’m happy for that; that I can work without trouble. It could easily have been after the accident that my mind could play tricks on me, maybe I would forget the lyrics or the choreography – my career would end if it happened. But my mind seems to be locked away when it comes to music. I don’t forget lyrics or dance steps; it is a wonder actually, that my mind is messed up at times but never when it comes to music, and for that I can focus on what I like to do without worrying about the past. It’s not a big deal that my mind becomes messy at times since it doesn’t interrupt my life. I head back inside and sit down next to Carolina without a word. “We’re leaving soon,” Carolina tells me. It is the happiest she has sounded all evening. We still have a meeting after this, a laid back meeting but it is still a meeting, so I look around thinking our manager is gathering us to leave. I see Manager Lee returning and I turn away. I have no idea what was said out there. I didn’t even get an answer about him and Julia. And Julia … She is not making out with the model anymore, she is laughing with him and someone else, talking and being polite. She mixes fun with work. A pat on my shoulder makes me look up, and Manager Kim smiles down at both me and Carolina. “Manager Lee will go with you to the van, Emelia is coming too while I gather the rest,” she says. I really do not want to go with Manager Lee, but before I can come with an excuse to maybe use the bathroom or something I am dragged up on my feet by Carolina. I’m angry at him, at Manager Lee, mostly because he said I have to be honest with him but he doesn’t have to be honest with me; I am trying to find out a way to give back at him for saying that but for now I am just angry at him. And I’m upset that my mind played tricks on me tonight, even if it was just briefly. Leaving the place is not difficult at all; Emelia says goodbye to a few people we passes after she has joined up with us. Julia is fast to come to the van when we have taken out seats but it takes a long time waiting for the others – which ends up being said that Maria had to use the bathroom before leaving – and sitting in the van I become the bored one of us who is not interested in talking with my friends. I’m pretty sure Manager Lee keeps glancing at me, at one point I get the thought that he noticed I got a bit confused earlier but the thought is pushed away when Julia loudly starts talking about the hot model she gave her number to. “You gave him your number?” Carolina looks like the world is coming to an end. “Well, he gave me his number. He’s hot and he said I have to call next time I come to Hong Kong,” Julia lightly says and shrugs her shoulder as if it’s no big deal – it is no big deal. “Maybe you’ll get further with him next time,” Emelia jokes and Carolina honestly looks like she is going pale thinking a stranger has Julia’s number. “Maybe,” Julia just shrugs her shoulder again. All I can see is the dark aura surrounding my manager again. He is definitely jealous – does he really like Julia? What would that mean? “Will you call him?” I ask Julia, glancing at my friend but my attention is more on Manager Lee. He reacts when hearing my voice. “I don’t know… I don’t know when we’ll come to Hong Kong next time – it could take a year,” Julia answers and it’s easy to see how happy she is to have our interest. He wasn’t that hot, but she seems to be in a really good mood. “Don’t call him,” Carolina mutters. “Why wouldn’t she?” Emelia laughs at Carolina’s boring behaviour. Emelia hits Julia on the leg. “You could take a weekend trip or something when Hannah is doing her promotions; just to have some fun.” Julia laughs and I too find myself smiling. Julia laughs because I know she won’t call him, she just brags a bit about getting someone’s number, while I smile because Emelia mentioned my solo comeback. Carolina doesn’t know that they are just fooling around and Manager Lee looks like he wants to be back in Korea. “What’s taking them time…” he mumbles with his door open waiting for the others to come. When they do come we are quickly out on the road to go to the hotel. I share room with Maria and the two of us are lightly talking about the day while washing up and changing clothes. Maria talks a lot about the dinner party, how she messed up with names and greetings and laughed everything off out of embarrassment, asking me if she made a fool out of herself instead of doing well promoting 5 Pieces but I tell her she did great. We talk about Carolina hiding and Manager Lee’s jealousy too. Maria doesn’t see the big deal with any of it. She thinks Manager Lee reacts the same way whoever one of the ladies would end up making out with a stranger; because that’s his job. Manager Kim had apparently given Maria advice in the bathroom. Managers worry all the time at events like that. About Carolina hiding throughout the evening, Maria just shakes her head saying we all know Carolina is a very awkward person – Maria too doesn’t understand the language so she understands if Carolina doesn’t warmly enter a discussion. That’s the beauty of our leader; she understands each member and takes responsibility for that. In the end we agree that the party was successful for us and wearing sweats we leave our room to go to the laid back meeting. For the meeting, I’m nervous. We are at the same hotel as Iggy Azalea, who is here for two reasons. One of the reasons is thanks to 5 Pieces. Mnet had invited Iggy Azalea to perform at the Mnet Asian Music Awards that’s in two days from now, and Mnet contacted SM Entertainment to ask if 5 Pieces could do a collaboration performance with the international star. We met back in August at an award show in Las Vegas, we didn’t talk much but we met again at the start of September when we were in New York recording some songs for our album. According to Mnet, Iggy had agreed on performing at the MAMA’s on one condition; a collaboration with 5 Pieces. There was no hesitation on agreeing on it because our agency is determined to promote us as much as possible on a global level; what promotes you better than collaborating with a global star? That’s where we go now. A meeting with Iggy and her crew to practice for the performance, which can be thought as something tired at this late hour but we will mostly just do the planning and just hang out. Hearing English is as easy as hearing Swedish – you understand every word. I’m not nervous because Iggy is a singer or international, it’s not that she is famous, I’m nervous because I am asked to perform with her. As soon as the meeting starts it is solved quickly. Iggy wants me to perform [Black Widow] with her, she has gotten to hear us sing the chorus of the song because it would be messy to have five ladies sing it while she does all the rap parts so she choose me because my voice fits the tone the best. I thought she would choose Maria, but Maria’s tone is apparently too perfect. The agency wants Carolina to do the performance, and I would gladly give her that too but even Iggy knows from when we have met before that Carolina can not pull it off. The song does not suit Carolina’s character, her image; it doesn’t suit her at all even if her voice can pull it off. So in the end there is a compromise where Carolina and I will collaborate with Iggy. Carolina does it because she is gorgeous and popular; her voice is the best as well, while I do it because Iggy asked for me and because I am seen as the y member in our team. I don’t mind that, we all know that Carolina isn’t the y member even if she definitely got to reveal a completely different side of her in our [Girls Power] promotions – red hair, tilted hat, chair dancing and a mysterious voice – but Carolina knows she is not the one who easily pulls off the y concept. For me, I am y just standing on the stage. Then I turn cute by smiling; I have never understood that, combining cuteness with iness. The meeting is super laidback. We are in a hotel room, sitting in a sofa eating chips and listening to music. It’s very laid back. Iggy takes a picture with Emelia and Julia to upload on instagram. {Instagram, Iggy_Azalea: Iggy X 5 Pieces, what will come will come soon} ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ {Instagram, 5P_EMELIA: Heard we looked like twins last night…} Emelia is having fun sho