It’s suffocating being with the others inside, the fresh and cold air might clear my mind. I hug Tiger against my chest with one arm, holds Milo’s leash in the other and I have the hood of my winter jacket covering half of my face. I don’t know what to do. I have never hated Christmas before. But I have never celebrated it traditionally without my family either. Maybe it’s too much, to have my members’ families be in our home for the holiday, to be happy and enjoy Christmas like we all grew up doing. I couldn’t even invite Kyung Ho, knowing he would feel more left out than me because of the language barrier; just yesterday he wasn’t so excited to talk to Emelia’s nephew who is around the same age as Kyung Ho. It just doesn’t feel right, Christmas this year. And I can’t call Jonghyun either. Maybe I should go to the practice-room again- ah, I can do that. I can tell the ladies that it is an urgent meeting or something, and then have … I wonder if Manager Lee could give me a ride. I turn around to go back home. I can’t bring the pets with me to the agency. I didn’t come far, so I am back home within minutes and I leave both pets there before heading out again – worried someone will come look for me in the house – and I go out on the street to call my manager. When the call gets through I start thinking of what to tell him. Can I tell him the truth? No, I will have to come up with something better. “Hello?” Manager Lee sounds tired answer the call and I feel so bad for calling him. My steps are slow once I am out of sight from our house. “Oppa, its Hannah… Are you- are you busy?” “It’s my day off, I got nothing planned.” Right. Since we are supposed to be at home celebrating Christmas our crew is having the day off too. “Oh… okay. Then it’s nothing, I’m sorry for-” “What’s wrong?” he asks, sounding a bit nonchalant. “Did you fight with the ladies?” “No… I…” Can I ask him on his day off? “Just out with it, Hannah,” Manager Lee sighs. “I want a ride to the agency.” “What? Why would you-” he stops himself and sighs. I can almost see him in front of me how he starts rubbing his temple. “It’s Christmas, Hannah, why would you go to the agency?” “I have to practice…” “You have practice tomorrow.” “I need to practice more.” “No.” “No, what?” “No, I am not giving you a ride to the agency. What’s wrong staying at home? Aren’t you watching that … TV thing you have talked about for years? Shouldn’t it be now? And aren’t you having dinner with your family later?” Manager Lee asks me. “I…” I mumble, tearing up again. I wipe the tears while trying to find the words to tell him. “Um… sorry for calling you, Oppa, I-” The cell phone flies out of my hand, up in the sky and I get quiet following it with my eyes. I turn around in the surprise to loose my phone, and Jonghyun is standing there, putting my phone to his ear. “Hello?” How did he get here? When did he get here? I stare in shock at him. “Ah, Manager Lee,” Jonghyun says to the phone but his eyes are focused on me. Is he checking who it was I called? “No, don’t worry, I take it from now. Please enjoy the rest of your day.” He has this force coming from him again, something that’s not right about him. No, it’s not that there is anything wrong, he seems angry, and his body language as well as expression shows it too much. I want to scream at him for some reason when he puts my phone in my jacket pocket. Has he been following me? How can he just show up like that, take my phone and … and be here? “What are you doing out here in the cold?” he asks. Why is he angry? “Are you crying because of me?” That’s not just anger… I am so confused over this man. Is he angry at me or what is it? “I’m not,” I blurt out at the second question and I turn away to wipe my tears. “What are you doing here anyway?” “You invited me.” I give him a glare. That was before he got angry at me! I want to scream at him so badly, to cry and hit his chest for getting angry at me over nothing and for not talking in two days, my brain plays the scene out but it doesn’t reach out, and before my idea can become action soft hands cup my face, fingers caressing my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Jonghyun whispers, “For getting upset and for behaving like that. I was selfish, okay?” I shake my head with a whine, but he holds his hands so I can’t shake my head. “You are mine and only mine, Hannah,” he says in that strict tone again, staring at me and taking the air out of me. “I don’t like sharing.” “I didn’t do anything wrong.” “You didn’t answer my calls for a whole day.” Okay, so I did do something wrong. “I’m sorry for that.” “Mm,” leaps out from his throat as his fingers glides up through my hair. “I missed you,” I breathe out by his touch. It’s like everything that has been falling apart is being pulled back together. “I wanted to see you so badly,” Jonghyun tells me, “I came over last night when I got your text, but I never got out of the car.” Why not? Why did he come now? My tears warm my eyes when I know I have missed him a lot. All those thoughts going through my head, yet here he is. I wrap my arms around him for a hug, burying my head against his chest. All day I have been surrounded by people but I have felt so lonely, and like a dream he comes when I’m about to fall into a hole. Jonghyun has his arms around me too, his head leaning down over mine. “I should’ve come earlier,” he mumbles in my hair, “I should’ve known better.” What does that mean – he should’ve known better? “Come on, we should get inside before they start eating,” Jonghyun whispers to me, but when he tries to take a step away I hold on to his jacket tightly, not budging. “Wait a little bit…” I don’t know if I’m ready to go back yet, and I’m happy that he doesn’t move, instead Jonghyun keeps his arms around me and wait until I’m ready. When walking back I can’t say anything though. I’m embarrassed, I don’t know what to tell the others when we come back. What if Emelia will be so angry at me for leaving that she slaps me? My hands are sweaty when we come inside the house. I went to leave my jacket and get Tiger first in the other house; not trusting Tiger alone with Milo and Ace. “Oh, you’re back!” Maria smiles widely when looking inside the hall. “We were wondering when you would be coming.” “Sorry, it’s my fault,” Jonghyun says with a smile while taking off his shoes. “She had to wait for me.” The smile I had plastered on for Maria fades as I look up at him, hearing Maria is already gone chatting with others. He is lying to Maria? And they knew he was coming? Jonghyun smiles at me, leaning closer while taking his jacket off. “How mad do you think they would be if they find out you were trying to ditch them on Christmas?” he whispers by my ear. True. But I still didn’t expect him to lie like that, I think I’m impressed. I kick off my shoes and take a few steps inside the hall, bursting out in a smile when Emelia’s mother comes inside the hall. “Hannah, I thought you went to the bathroom, and you come back with him?” she laughs and before I know it Jonghyun is next to me, stretching out his hand to give a polite greeting. “It’s … Jong-hyun, right?” I nod, smiling when seeing what Jonghyun is wearing. He has dressed up in a red turtleneck, a black blazer and dark jeans. Has he dressed up to come here? “We were waiting for you before taking our seats,” Emelia’s mother says and walks out of the hall. I look up at Jonghyun, my heart up in my throat, not knowing how this will turn out. Jonghyun has a language barrier with these people too, yet somehow I’m not alone anymore. He smiles down at me again, takes his hand in mine and holds on to it as we walk inside the house too. “Eh, eh, are you wearing a couple look?” Carolina laughs as soon as she sees us, and I blush because I got the same thought when I saw his clothes. Both are wearing something red, then jeans. The colours match too; the same red colour. “What did she just say?” Emelia’s nephew asks and I am smiling at the mix of Korean and Swedish already. Definitely, just having someone next to me can make a difference. Two big tables have been placed at the centre of the kitchen and out to the living-room, making it sixteen seats but we are twenty-two people so we have put six seats by the living-room table – we will sit on the floor. “Everyone,” I shyly say when they are starting to point out who will sit where. “This is Jonghyun.” He is holding on to my left hand tightly when hearing me introducing him to my members’ families, and I wonder if he can feel how nervous I am. He has met some of them, during 5 Pieces’ concert in Sweden a while back, but I’m not sure how many can remember that time. “Nice to meet you,” Maria’s brother says in Korean when stepping forward to shake Jonghyun’s hand. He is super tall, but the Korean words surprises both Jonghyun and me. “My name is David.” He then goes over to Swedish to ask how he says he is Maria’s brother in Korean. “It’s my brother,” Maria happily says from the other side of the table. “Ah, it’s nice to meet you,” Jonghyun lowers his head politely when knowing who this tall guy is. “The boyfriend, right?” David asks me and I know my cheeks gives him the answer. Jonghyun looks at me, probably also knowing what Maria’s brother just said based on my face. Emelia nudges me on the side when walking past me. She knows I’m good now, because I have Jonghyun next to me. I introduce him to everyone, saying who is related to whom before we start with dinner. “It’s the first time I’m seeing this set up of food,” Jonghyun smiles next to me when we are filling out plates in the kitchen to bring to our seats. “What’s that?” “Um…” I don’t know the names of everything in Korean, so I say them in Swedish and Jonghyun repeats it every time. Someone tends to laugh at his try to say something in Swedish, asking him questions through me about what Koreans do for Christmas and so on. Fork and knife is used when eating, and for some reason I am fascinated by Jonghyun. He is surrounded by Swedish people, people speaking a language he doesn’t understand, and yet he looks relaxed and comfortable, he is friendly and social. Why is he so perfect? We are sitting on the floor in the living-room; Jonghyun, me, Carolina, her brother, Emelia’s nephew and Maria’s older sister Agnes who is four years older than us. I am talking a lot to Agnes during dinner, about her mostly; she has been studying, she is now working at a kindergarten near their apartment where Molly also works. Its fun how Maria’s parents have moved out of the apartment all their children have grown up in, to live in a house on their own while Molly and Agnes are the two now living in their childhood home. Carolina and her brother aren’t saying much, but when they do it is more like a private conversation between the two of them, and Carolina helps out whenever Jonghyun needs some translation. Emelia’s nephew is curious about Jonghyun though, as he is the foreigner here. I think I needed someone next to me. Watching my members have their families around them, the only ones I could turn to today have been our pets. With Jonghyun here, I’m happy; I can enjoy the company of the others. It’s not the way I want to feel, I want to be comfortable spending Christmas with my members and their families and talk about memories and what they are doing, but it didn’t seem to work; now it works, thanks to him. After eating, Jonghyun helps us with the dishes. Maria’s father, Jonghyun, I, Julia and her mother, Emelia’s mother and sister are the ones fixing the dishes while Emelia takes some of the others out on a walk with the three dogs, and the rest stay in the living-room talking. It’s actually quite humorous to see Jonghyun like this, not knowing what anyone is saying but imitating the things everyone else is doing when fixing the dishes. Quietly he asks me where to put things, and I’m c