After two in the morning I come home, exhausted from top to toe from the recording. Jen has written a note that she has left on my door, writing that if I want to hang out during the last hours before she will go back to Sweden I can wake her up because she went to bed early and can sleep on the flight. So I think about it; I don’t have an early morning, so to stay up a couple of hours extra just to see my sister – I think I can do that. I wash up and change into sweats to be comfortable, and I head upstairs with Tiger in my arms. Jen is awake when I look inside the room; she is lying in the bed and reading a book. “Hi, you’re awake?” I ask and come inside. Only the bedside lamp is on. “Mm… I got this book from Maria to read on the flight,” Jen answers and shows me the book. “She bought it in Sweden, she says, it’s about … saying yes instead of no. It’s very inspiring.” I sit down on the floor with Tiger. “I didn’t know you liked those kinds of books,” I comment. I don’t recall my sister reading anything at all. “I don’t read much,” she admits, saying what I remember from her. “But this is easy reading.” Tiger runs around in the room while playing with a toy mouse I brought with me upstairs. I am exhausted: my body is exhausted, and I have brought a bottle of water with me to keep my throat okay. As my focus turns to Tiger, playing with her, the silence gets longer between me and my sister. I think I am a bit sleepy, and it is also because I don’t really know what to say to Jen. In a few hours she will be at the airport, about go head back to Sweden and who knows how many years it will take until we see each other next time? “How did your … thing, go?” Jen asks, putting away her book and she lies down to hand her hand down to join in the play with Tiger if she gets close. “It went well,” I nod. I think she know what I was doing, she maybe just doesn’t find it real to say ‘recording’ or ‘performance’. I don’t ask her about it, it’s too short time to start fighting again now. I pout as I wiggle the toy mouse above Tiger, my cutie lifting her paw up to try catch it. “What are you going to do when coming home?” “Work,” she chuckles. “I will work and train at the gym with Lisa.” I don’t know who Lisa is. “You’re still working at the clothing store?” I wonder. We have talked a lot about what she is up to but I can’t remember that detail if she is still at the children’s clothing store or not. “Yeah. I hate everyone there though beside from two people. Even the boss is annoying,” she mutters. “There is one girl who only moves the socks around while we are supposed to unpack the new arrivals, and she doesn’t even greet the customers entering the store; I told the boss about it but she hasn’t done anything about it.” And we sit for an hour not really saying much but still talking while playing with Tiger. I stay in the room while she starts to pack her things; I head downstairs when she is getting dressed just to see Emelia filling up a thermos with something hot. “God morning,” she greets me, glancing my way. Emelia looks the most like a ghost when she is newly woken; pale skin, light long hair covering most part of her face and she is wearing a long cardigan that looks to be of the same size as her body. “Morning,” I mumble and open the fridge. “I’m hungry.” “You haven’t slept, I guess?” I shake my head. “I thought of keeping you company to the airport,” I comment, scanning the fridge. I am hungry but I don’t crave for anything, so it is difficult to decide what to eat. Emelia smirks at me. “I’m actually happy you’re coming along. I don’t connect well with your sister; it would’ve been an awkward ride.” I kind of knew that. Emelia and Jen were good friends in fourth or fifth grade I think, but before and after they haven’t really talked much at all. I don’t really know why, it just happened in third grade that our circle of friends were different so we didn’t hang out much in school. I never minded because Emelia and I were stuck together like glue, talking about animals, cars, writing… pretty much that. Emelia prepares coffee for herself and hot tea for Jen, as they seemed to have talked about it yesterday before going to bed, and they are both on time for what they have decided on. I am like the third wheel lying in the sofa waiting to be told when to leave. Because it is just back and forth from the airport, I stay in my sweats, putting on better socks and a bra, other than that I get warm in a winter jacket when getting to the car. Emelia drives, I sit next to her and Jen is in the back, and none of us says much at all for the first minutes when we go on the road. The drive to the airport will take about an hour, and we stop one time on the way to fill the tank and to buy some bread for breakfast. I get some Coca Cola too, to stay awake. We talk a lot about Jen and about home on the way to the airport, I follow my sister through the door and we hug each other awkwardly before she goes to check in. It’s not much of a “goodbye” between us, just awkward words and awkward hug before we part ways – she will return to her reality and I will return to mine. The sigh I give out when taking my seat next to Emelia makes her look at me strangely. “What?” I ask, sinking down in the seat. “Relieved?” she asks and we start heading back home. I think deeply of what to answer on that. “I haven’t spent much time with her here,” I say. I haven’t spent much time with my sister while she has been here, I have been working like 98% of the time, but at the same time it has been strange to have her around. Like a presence following me the whole time. “Maria thinks it was healthy to have her around,” Emelia tells me, her eyebrows raised a bit. “But Maria always thinks strangely so we shouldn’t listen to her. For me, it was just weird and weirder having your sister around.” “Sorry for that…” “Enough about your sister,” Emelia says and she hits me hardly on the leg. “We haven’t talked about your comeback stage! How did the recording go? Did you cry? Did they cry?” Her questions makes me laugh, the memory of the pre-recording makes me laugh too and suddenly I can’t sit still as I squeal in excitement that today it’s Thursday – today, it’s comeback day, D-Day – the first official day when everyone can see my performance of [NEW ME]. Emelia and I just laugh, I try to express how the recording went or how I am feeling but all that comes out is stuttering and laughter, and because of that Emelia is laughing too. We talk/laugh for twenty minutes but for the rest of the ride the energy has left me and I am half-asleep while we listen to music. Coming home I try to go to sleep but it’s seven in the morning, and I can’t fall asleep. It’s like I wake up when I lie down in bed and I open up 5 Pieces’ online chat-group to ask if anyone is awake and wants to go to the gym for an hour. Julia is fast to answer, ‘we leave in 20min’. I smile at the direct answer and I get dressed for a trip to the gym – after pizza, bread and Coca Cola this week, I think I need to work out a bit to wear the mini dresses for my comeback. Julia is dressed and ready when she leaves the house, and I actually have to think of when we saw each other last time. It’s strange living this close to each other but because it is two different houses so we don’t really see each other that often. “This is the weird feeling,” Julia says when we head to her car in the garage, “That you are super busy and the rest of us aren’t. I am even starting to write down a schedule of things I can do every day, I am getting restless!” “Emelia has started with horseback riding again because of the free time,” I comment, taking my seat in the car next to her. “I know!” Julia is awake, she looks eager to get to do something though it’s not that she has had little to do. The ladies have actually boasted about resting now when I am doing solo promotions because we were so busy last year, Emelia has had plans to go horseback riding in a long time but she never really found the time to match her time with one of her friends that goes horseback riding. Emelia grew up among horses, she had her own horse when we went to Korea; he was an old western horse who she kind of like borrowed, but Emelia’s life before music was basically just horses and cars, so I think it’s nice that she is going back to it after all this time. “But we are used to have a schedule, right, so suddenly it just drops and I’m just waiting for the next thing to come, right?” Julia continues to say as we leave the garage. I can’t help but to smile, realising I am not spending a lot of quality time with my ladies, especially not Julia lately. “I know it should be nice for a change to not have anything to do, and I do like it, but I get a bit restless. I think I’m gaining weight too. Mom and I are going to the gym, but Maria’s idea about yoga sounds interesting so I was thinking about doing that, and then we can take some cooking classes to learn about the Korean food; Carolina wants in on that idea. And then I remember that you know Hong Suk Chun and he is a really good cook, right?” Hong Suk Chun is an actor and restaurateur, and so much more. I worked with him for my Korean acting debut in 2012, and we visit his restaurants at times – he has the best restaurants for dates – and he is such a charmer that he texted me when my album came out to write that the album has been out for a few hours and he has still not gotten a signed copy of it. “I can give him a call and ask if he wants to share some cooking secrets,” I tell Julia. “Ah, I am so pumped up for the gym!” Julia groans. “But when do you have to leave? I was surprised you even can go. It’s comeback day.” “I have time at the saloon at noon,” I answer and Julia looks impressed, thinking we do have some time to spend at the gym then. I look forward to it. ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ “Absolutely impossible!” Manager Lee groans loudly. “You haven’t slept a bit all night and you decided to go to the gym?” That is what I get when explaining the reason I am dozing off in the van after being at the saloon; my manager is not happy with how I ended up spending those nine hours of free time. “You do know that you don’t even have time to go home tonight?” he asks me, staring through the rear-view mirror to show how unhappy he is with this. “After Mnet you have KBS recording for tomorrow and then we’re heading straight to the photo shoot, which probably will keep you occupied until tomorrow noon’s schedule.” I know my schedule, and I don’t know why he is scolding me as if I don’t know the consequences of the things I do. It’s not like I thought, “oh, it’s better going to the gym instead of sleeping now when I have so many performances coming up”. I know myself better than what he thinks, so to end his scolding I put in the earphones to my ears and I start listen to music, knowing he starts screaming at my ignorance as he sees that I am ignoring him. Then he gets quiet, probably muttering that I am absolutely impossible. It’s a childish behaviour to ignore him but we have worked a long time together now and he should know me better than that. I feel good. I am tired, the back of my head is heavy because I haven’t slept but my body is awake and I feel clearly fine, excited to go to M Countdown for the comeback, to do interviews – and I try not thinking too nervously that I will meet Jonghyun. It’s nice to have both my recordings done for the show, because now when I arrive it will be artists getting ready to the live show, I will sit down for some interviews and just wait for some brief appearances during the live show to remind people to not miss out my comeback performance, and then … just enjoy. In my own clothes going to Mnet, I am wearing a white cotton drop-shoulder shirt to a pair of light-blue distressed jeans and on my feet I am actually wearing Emelia’s drawstring knit snow boots because when looking at our shoes they looked the most comfortable and I made up the idea to not know who the owner is as no one saw me take them. Hair and makeup are done, my nails are new in white, and I feel surprisingly bright in my bright outfit and mood, so when arriving at Mnet it is no big deal to smile, wave and be cheerful when greeting people. We get to the dressing room that says ‘HANNAH’, and there are two performers here today that are my seniors: Jonghyun and Davichi. I actually looked up the line-up artists to see when everyone debuted and I think mostly everyone debuted in 2014 or 2015, and I don’t know any song of them. It’s like usual then, but Yonghwa from CN Blue, Lizzy from After School and Infinite’s subgroup, I do know. I feel old as those I do know debuted five years ago. But I am not here for the artists; I am here for the music and my fans, but just that walk to my dressing-room felt like walking through high school after graduation – every idol that has greeted me is like a fresh face. “Change first, and then … hand out my album?” I ask, looking at Manager Lee, glancing at Yong Hyun. “Or the other way around?” We aren’t in a rush, I have time to do both things but like always it is the order that confuses me and I turn to them for advice. “Do whichever,” Manager Lee shrug his shoulder, not caring at all. I pout. “Yong Oppa,” I pout at my stylist. “Oh lady, we are here to follow you, not the other way around,” he says and rolls his finger around before turning his focus on the accessories he has taken with him. It’s a simple wardrobe we have with us today, the accessories are the same that I worse yesterday as only the things we had yesterday is needed for M Countdown. Chae Hwan is busy setting up the makeup though she came here before us, and another stylist named Park Sung Hyo is also in the room, as Yong Hyun’s assistant. I start off with writing on the albums; I don’t write much, I sign one for Davichi, I just write that their songs are nice (I have heard their new album) and for the other albums I have my stylists and manager help me out on the idols here that I will hand out my album to. I write one for Jonghyun too, as a colleague, a very simple one. “Wo-hoo!” someone walks inside the room cheering and it really is no question of who it is, his mere presence gives him all my focus. My smile is too big to be real when I look at him, how he casually walks inside cheering and commenting that I am finally making my comeback. Jonghyun is wearing a mint sweater for his performance and he smiles widely when seeing how happy I get to see him. Is there awkwardness? Definitely. I think we both are aware of that we have broken up and that is where the confusion comes; we don’t know how to be around each other, we have forgotten where the line between friend and lover crosses for the two of us. “You’re signing your album?” Jonghyun asks and nods at the set of albums I have on the makeup table next to me. I nod, grimacing at the albums. “Yes… I have to hand them out…” I continue to grimace when looking at Jonghyun, seeing Yong Hyun give me a look behind Jonghyun’s back that tells me that there is still fire between me and my ex-boyfriend. I don’t mind that. At this moment I actually just want to wrap my arms around him and breathe him in, but I can’t do that so I am fully satisfied having his eyes on me instead. “I can come with you,” Jonghyun suggests, “I can introduce you to Zion.T and Crush… and I can watch you be uncomfortable greeting all these juniors with your pretty smile.” He is making fun of me, but the charming way he does it in makes me blush and I wish our last weeks would vanish. “How did you know I have arrived?” I ask him in a try to not let the whole room know I am blushing. I wonder if he notices. Jonghyun smiles as he sits down in the chair next to mine, facing me. “Everyone is talking about it,” he says and points out the door a bit nonchalantly. “It’s pretty unavoidable to hear.” I don’t ask what he means with that, I don’t have time to ask what he means with that because Jonghyun’s manager comes to say he has an interview to do. Without getting to chat with Jonghyun I also forget to hand him my album, but he tell me to seek him up later so he can take the round with me. As soon as he has left the room I regret the silly smile I have been wearing since he came in, only because my stylist sits down where Jonghyun sat and he is looking at me knowing there is fire within me for my ex-boyfriend. “I know,” I whine at his expression with my arms and head fall down on the makeup table over my albums, wanting to hide myself for not hiding my feelings. “You two look to be in denial,” Yong Hyun points out at me, “You and Mr. Hannah.” I don’t like the nickname they have given Jonghyun, I have never liked it, but I have never said it out loud. “Two fools in love,” Manager Lee sighs over by the door, “Could you all get ready? We have some things to film for Mnet.” Backstage clips for M Countdown that will tease for my comeback performance throughout the day’s program, and while changing clothes and fixing my look I am whispering with Yong Hyun about my ex-boyfriend here. I am in love with him, just like I have been for years, so it feels so strange to have him a few rooms away and I can’t go see him with a loving face-expression to call him mine. Over and over I keep forgetting why we broke up, just to remember that I am the reason. When I come back to my room there is a camera put up above the TV on the wall next to the door – it is there to film for my DVD, probably backstage for my comeback. My room is pretty small but it is long, a sofa along one wall and a long makeup table along the other, a few other things too but nothing that really matters. I stay dressed in my ivory dress and over-the-knee socks, but change into slippers (a pair of paw print slippers that I brought with me from home today, a gift from fans that I got for Christmas) and a large cardigan in the wait for the music program to begin. I still have to hand out my album but I am nervous for that and I know I will ask Jonghyun to do it with me so I am extra nervous to look at him again. Just as I am getting courage to step out the room there is a junior group coming to the door to greet me. Like always, I have absolutely no idea of who they are, at least not at first; they are super tall when entering the room, glancing nervously at each other as to make sure they all are there and I suddenly miss my high heels lonely standing next to me as these boys are super tall. I see my manager smirking by the TV though, probably seeing that this is not my most confident moment. When introducing themselves they say LU:KUS, and I remember that they debuted last summer. It’s an awkward exchange of album and single between us, they are mostly talking in low voices saying they have listened a lot on my album and that they are fans of 5 Pieces. I don’t even need my members to make our juniors feel timid; this boy-group of such tall height look like they want to stand outside the room when exchanging polite greetings with me, as if the room will electrify them any second, and when they leave I turn to look helplessly at Yong Hyun. “People hate me here,” I whine, but I smile since he knows I am joking. Chae Hwan laughs at my joke too. “5 Pieces is terrifying,” Yong Hyun pouts his lips at me in agreement. “And you are on fire, lady.” My smile grows at his words. “Did you hear the cheer we decided on last night?” I ask him as Chae Hwan steps up to touch my hair, putting a lock in place. “I did,” she answers me. I hold my hand out for Yong Hyun to listen too as he looks like he isn’t really sure what it is I mean. “We always shout ‘5 Pieces’ before the stage, right? At the recording I asked my fans to come up with one I can do when being solo…” “Ah-ah, I know, they were shouting ‘Hannah, you’re burning’… or something?” “Mm, but we decided that we (the crew) do ‘we’re on fire’ and for the stage, fans will respond with ‘you’re burning’. Funny, isn’t it?” I’m like holding my hand out for him to laugh but Yong Hyun just chuckles, saying that’s not good. “I like it… My fans came up with it.” “Then it’s cute,” Yong Hyun answers and I think he is about to pinch my cheek or something but I see someone by the door so I am quickly lowering my head politely to greet Yonghwa. He laughs when I greet him politely and I think my bow makes him have to bow too. “Are you busy?” he asks, seeing Chae Hwan touching my hair again. “No,” I shake my head and I remember my album, making me turn away from him to grab one from the table – Chae Hwan steps up to the makeup to pretend she is busy. I think she likes Yonghwa. “I got an album for you!” “Oh, I get one?” Yonghwa laughs and happily steps inside the room with his hand held out to receive the album. “Are you alone?” The look I give him is confused, because of course I am alone – it’s a solo comeback. “I mean, I thought you would have your ladies here supporting you. Emelia said she was coming today,” Yonghwa says. I am not close to the members in CN Blue, but like always I have friendly members so they know pretty much ev