Monday morning, it is too early and usually I am just staring and quietly doing things in my usual routines. Wake up, get dressed, use the bathroom for private business, to wash my face and to brush my teeth, then I will go get a yoghurt or a fruit to eat/ drink while going back to my room to make sure my bag is packed and put it on my bed. I also make sure my room is clean and in order for Tiger to be alone for a couple of days. Not a single word is said during that time. Before leaving bed I might talk to Tiger, that’s all. If Emelia says ‘good morning’ I usually grunt in response. Like a zombie I do those things in the morning and when I’m done I either have free time to play and care for Tiger and Ace, or I will be sitting by my laptop if needed until we are leaving for the schedule. I’m usually quiet in the van as well. But today I find it a bit different. I do my usual routines at home like usually but before leaving I go to the other house. Standing in the hall, ready to leave, I am laughing – my first sound of the day. “Stop laughing, magnae…” Standing next to me with the biggest smirk on earth is Emelia, her arms crossed over her chest and back leaning against the door. She hasn’t said a thing since we came in, but her face expression says more than necessary. “I can’t possibly go around like this,” Carolina whines. “Sure you can,” Julia smiles, standing up to look at the whining one we are all smiling and smirking at; “You lost and this is the punishment.” “It’s brilliant,” Emelia comment. Carolina looks at us, her expression is depressed and I’m certain she regrets the game we did yesterday. She had been so excited at first, all until she lost, and then she forgot about it until this morning when Julia happily came jumping with the t-shirt in hand. Carolina is standing in the hall, wearing a blue t-shirt with the white text strongly at the front reading ‘I dedicate my soul to the sweetheart Julia’. She is wearing her own cardigan and jeans, but on her feet she looks super silly in sneakers – both sneakers are for the left foot. “This is stupid,” she sighs. “It’s brilliant,” Emelia repeats, “Come on, let’s go.” The only reason Emelia and I are here now is because we wanted to see Carolina; Julia texted Emelia to get help because Carolina kept saying the punishment was a joke and that she wouldn’t wear it so when Emelia came and said the others are going through with the punishment, she agreed on it – but Carolina has really been complaining all morning. I walk with Emelia out, smiling as I see Maria stand over by the front port. “Are you done?” she asks us. I let Emelia answer and I can see Maria spotting Carolina behind us; she starts laughing, leaning against the port and her knees becomes weak. Just by watching Maria’s reaction, I start laughing. “Stop laughing!” Carolina calls out behind me, embarrassed. “I can’t wait ‘til we are at the airport,” Maria laughs and pushes the door open for us all to leave. “This will be the best airport fashion ever.” I seriously hate the idea of airport fashion. When we first started out with this career there was no such thing. But as idols kept travelling and always being caught at the airport it became known as airport fashion, idols had to focus on what they were wearing and now it is even important to wear sponsored clothes when travelling. Our wardrobes are filled with sponsored clothes; our stylists have even marked them for us to know what to wear. I hate being told what to wear when I have the chance to wear what I want, but with time our wardrobes have been filled with clothes we want to wear, clothes and accessories of our own choosing. I still hate it. It’s not that I hate clothes; I hate the fact that people expect us to look great at the airport, just like they expect us to not have any flaws or mistakes. I honestly hate it. That’s why I am nowhere close to looking as fashionable as Emelia, who is wearing branded sneakers and a long black dress tied with a belt around her waist, long at the sleeves and cut-out details at her shoulders. It looks beautifully on her slim figure, long light blonde hair and pale skin. It is simple and elegant. For me, a pair of black leggings to a long white t-shirt is comfortable to travel in, a gray hoodie that Jonghyun told me to borrow for this trip (he wore it yesterday, so his cologne is embracing me) and I let the hood hide my head while a leather jacket is on top to hold me warm, I wear a simple scarf around my neck as well and my hair is in a braid hidden under the hoodie, kept hidden under the black cap I’m wearing too. I’m a brunette and my fans don’t know it. I was hiding under a hood yesterday at the agency too for no pictures of my hair to be taken. Julia said she wants to surprise fans at the MAMA awards with the shaved side, so I thought I would do the same. I’m comfortable in these clothes, and I sit in the van comfortably while Julia is taking off the high heels she wore for a few meters. Just a few months ago she was complaining about the blisters on her feet from wearing high heels at promotions all year, yet she wears them now while the rest of us wear sneakers. “There is one sad point to this though,” Maria says when we arrive at the airport and she link her arm with mine as soon as I’m done pulling the hood over my cap. “And what’s that?” I ask in a smiling tone, not having a clue what Maria is talking about but she will probably tell me if I ask that simple question. “The rest of the crew will take the flight tomorrow – we can’t see it live when they do their catwalk of punishment,” Maria answers. “While this one…” We both turn around and the smiles on our faces grow so much seeing Carolina hiding behind her sunglasses and pretending she does not wear the t-shirt and shoes she has on. Poor one, but the rest of us are having a lot of fun seeing her so-called catwalk of punishment, like Maria called it, and we are walking through the airport surrounded by people and Julia looking like the queen and I feel so stupid for letting Carolina walk around like that. Emelia loves it too much. She looks like one of the fans surrounding us; smiling and walking in front of us to film and photograph the poor one being punished and Julia gets to tell our fans that she made Carolina loose a game. Julia is boasting, and before I know it I am walking with Carolina because I am worried she might take this personal. If our crew were with us now, all four wearing the t-shirt together and not just Carolina, I’m sure Carolina would be the one pointing at her t-shirt and tell our fans that Julia makes them wear it. Standing in line to board the plane, Carolina turns around to look at me. “Do I look like a complete idiot in this?” she asks. I do want to say she look as stylish as she always does, but truth to be told; her shoes are the weirdest thing I have seen in months and her t-shirt … well, I’m not really sure what to say of it because a fan asked me some minutes ago why I’m not wearing one as being Julia’s couple favourite or something is the most important thing for fans. But what do I tell Carolina? “Um… You look okay, really good,” I answer while nodding, maybe nodding a little bit too enthusiastic but Carolina doesn’t seem to notice. “It’s a great punishment,” Emelia says, popping up her head next to me. “I think we should do it again on the way back.” The slight fear of having to wear this on the way home as well is seen in Carolina, and I smile widely seeing that and I add; “Let’s have those that do the punishment now get to pass the next game if they want. “No way!” Maria turns around in front of Carolina, gaping at us and to our surprise there are some distant cheers reacting to Maria. “Baby, you can’t do that. Just imagine getting to see Myung on the way home, walking his catwalk of punishment and I can laugh right next to him.” “I agree with Hannah,” Carolina mutters. “Let’s say just Carolina can skip it,” Emelia chuckles. “Because I really want to see Myung do this too.” “Or you can just tell him to wear it at rehearsals,” Carolina simply suggest, shrugging her shoulder and stepping forward. She doesn’t see that her words create an idea in Emelia’s head, and I’m certain that my friend is going to do something bad to our poor dancer Myung. There are a few fans boarding the plane with us. I point it out to Julia, who is my mate on the flight today, and she ignores it completely as if she isn’t interested in knowing that sneaky pictures of us will probably be taken. I have gotten to sit next to the window with Julia sitting on my right side, and we are both getting comfortable in our seats. I keep my hood on but take off the cap, connect my earphones to the tablet that I take up from my bag and I catch a glimpse of Julia smiling when I take up some papers and a writing pad as well. She keeps it simple with an eye mask and earphones, and as soon as we take off she turns a bit to me and closes away her senses with music, shuts her eyes and she starts to relax in her seat. While she decides to sleep, I turn my focus on my papers and notes. Solo comeback… Am I satisfied with this? After talking to Jonghyun, hearing of all the people he has worked with and knowing all the time and effort he has put into his debut, I’m not so sure if I should rush this. We made a lot of songs and brought up past songs and whatnot before deciding on the songs, we have more than enough songs for a full-length album, but are the songs really that good? Will people compare Jonghyun’s debut with my comeback? What if they try to find a connection with our songs, bring up non-existing connections that will create rumours and problems and once again his fans will throw their hate in my face the same way they did when Taemin had his debut. I’m frightened, completely cold from the tip of my toes through my whole body up to the roots of my hair. I’m frightened that his fans will never get over our relationship, that someone like me can be liked by their idol. My own fans have several of reactions as well, they have their up and downs that I wonder if I will have to remind them that I’m human. I wonder what my members will say if I bring this up again; Emelia will say I am silly while Maria will come with one of her speeches on how idols are humans: that we all poop and have emotions. Then they will both hit me and say I am over this. Am I over this insecurity over myself and what I can do, of who I am? I don’t think I am, I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I do know that I am becoming better. I can stand on the stage alone, I can speak for myself, I can say “I love you” to the people I am meant to say it too – I have grown a lot in just a year. Looking through my notes, reading through the track list for my album… Yes, I am satisfied with this. I have a lot of personal messages in my album and I know my fans will feel a new connection to me – not as 5 Pieces’ youngest member but as Hannah, someone who they can relate to. But still, is it enough? I look up from my notes when someone stands next to Julia. My friend has fallen asleep, her neck isn’t holding up her head that well anymore so when looking up at Maria, I do hope she will keep her voice low. Maria leans over Julia’s seat by holding on to the seat in front of ours, and in a low voice she says in Swedish; “What are you working on?” With a glance at my notes I open my mouth to answer, but when looking up at Maria I hesitate for a bit. “Um, just … going through things for my album?” It comes out as a question and I grimace at the insecurity leaking through me. Maria gives a frown at my answer and she looks at my armrest before deciding to use that as a seat. She sits down with one thin part of her on the armrest and I lean away to both give her space and to look up at her as she hovers down to keep it private between us – not that I think anyone is listening to our Swedish conversation. “All the way to the toilet I could hear the rumbling of your mind,” Maria quietly tells me. I almost can’t hear what she says, taking out both of my earphones to not keep them as a distraction. “Now tell me, what’s that rumbling mind going through?” “It’s nothing, really, I’m just thinking of the songs and … um, well, if it’s enough…” “Oh please, I haven’t even gotten to hear half of your songs but Hyekyung Oppa is boasting about you every single day that it can’t possibly be bad,” she whispers, “and I know Carolina is super excited as well; not just for the duet you two will have, but she is actually showing admiration to your album. You’ll do well. Don’t think too much about that.” I’m pretty sure she is making things up to not let me panic at the flight, so I quietly nod my head and sigh. Maria proudly pats my head, on my hood. “I’ll tell you again; don’t think too much about it,” she says. “Come to me if you want to talk, okay? This seat is very uncomfortable…” She stands up and rubs her , making me laugh. “Fine.” “‘Fine’ you say and ‘fine’ I say,” Maria mumbles and pats me again before slinking past Julia’s legs to leave, but she leans back and points at me, “You must keep your promise to let me listen to the songs later. This week or next, understood?” “I promise.” For the rest of the flight I look out the window, being more in my thoughts than focusing on my notes. Each time I stretch on my back to look at where Maria is sitting I spot some of the fans who had followed us; I haven’t seen them try to take pictures or being sneaky or anything weird at all, making me question if they are our fans but one time when Emelia walks by their seats after talking to our stylist sitting on the flight with us, I do catch two of the girls starting to quietly squeal as Emelia apparently walked very close to them and she must’ve been very cool. When Emelia walked back, I think they commented on her light blonde hair-colour, smilingly say it suits her. It is D-2 for Mnet Asian Music Awards. Tomorrow we have rehearsals for the show as well as fitting for the clothes we’ll wear, but today we have other plans. Most of the day there is a photo shoot for Hong Kong’s Cosmopolitan, a typical magazine photo shoot in a language I don’t understand but they seem to like using English to communicate with us and that actually scares me. It’s not their English that scares me; it’s this whole we-only-praise-you-and-we-do-anything-for-you attitude that there is constantly throughout the whole day someone next to us asking if we want anything to eat or drink, to sit on or if we want a blanket or a pin. The staff is like that, while the designer whose clothes we are wearing keep talking about our different body types and that we are a challenge because we aren’t Asians wearing her clothes that are made for Asians so a lot of the clothes have to be re-made or pinned to fit our figures. The designer is super positive and she seems to smile through all day, which is scaring and uncomfortable, and she is so amazed at Maria and Emelia’s tall and slim model figures. It is a great thing that Yong Hyun is there; our stylist is the most popular one in our team as he is the one dressing 5 Pieces. He is asked so much, his English is tested on so many new levels but he does incredibly great answering the questions about 5 Pieces stage outfits and if he does everything on his own. The designer is sharing her thoughts about 5 Pieces to our stylist, commenting on how our bodies should bring problem to his job when he receives sponsored clothes. I actually think 90% of what the designer says is about the difference in five ladies bodies; I mean, does she expect us to have the same size and body shape? Whenever I get the chance I go hide in a corner, as long as I have someone I know nearby in case some staff member appears in front of me. I’m not much of social person when I don’t understand what they say, and I really do not like the attitude they show as if I am better than them. In other countries I have been in that is never shown. There they actually think they are above me, being the ones saying if I should move my foot left or right in case it is in the way for them walking past me. Not to that extreme, but it is far from how we are treated her. Like … superstars. After keeping my eyes on the time that seemed to go extra slow because I kept watching it the whole time, the evening comes and we are travellin