“What do you think this song means to your fans?” I blink at the question spoken out before I smile. “You mean [Dream of Me]?” I ask with a laugh and I shift position in the chair a bit uncomfortably, my fingers scratch the back of my head. “Um… I don’t know that actually, but I hope they know that … without them, none of this would exist for me. And that they are my dream. I wouldn’t get to sing and perform if it wasn’t for my fans, and I wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I am if it wasn’t for my fans. I hope they know that, and then they can take on the song however they want.” My solo promotions are slowing down. I got concerts left, but this weekend I am wrapping up my promotions beside from pre-recorded performances for next weekend when we will be abroad. I am doing interviews today, I have had my goodbye stage for [New Me] on Show Champion and the tears inside me from Las Vegas are welling up more and more as it is not just the missing of a certain someone I am facing, but also the goodbye of my first solo album promotions. I am upset for being emotional these days, and I can’t seem to forgive myself for not keeping myself together on the inside. A pre-recording for the weekend’s Music Core is what I do after Wednesday’s Show Champion. I will be in Taiwan on Saturday for SM Town’s concert so I can’t attend the live stage, which is why we have created a special stage for tonight’s pre-recording. We have invited fans, and they attend the two songs we film. I had bought snacks and food earlier to the 200 fans as well because it will take around six hours until we are done. MBC prepares the stage for [Dream of Me], a round stage for me to stand on with fans surrounding it. It isn’t a big stage but big enough to walk on a few steps back and forth. It is beautiful, the wall in the back reads out my name in really nice letters, and my fans are filling the place with balloons. For me, I have dressed up too for the ballad; a high neck long beaded gown with a sheer mesh sweetheart bodice embellished with radiant jewelled accents that flatter my figure down to my waistline. The a-line skirt is flowing with layered chiffon and the dress is customized in a purplish colour. When I first walk inside the hall, the staff has told the fans to make a path over to the stage in the centre, and I feel myself blush at the reactions of me in this long beautiful dress. It is different from the black mini dress I wore earlier tonight for the [New Me] pre-recording. My hair is long and wavy and I wear silver bracelets and rings, earrings too, to match the bodice of the dress. Stylist Sung Hyo is holding my left hand and making sure I hold up the dress to not step on it and she is the crucial part that helps me get up on the stage without ruining my dress. Long dresses are beautiful, but I have short legs and this dress was made in Europe, so even in high heels it reaches down to the floor. The good part is that I look tall in it, and absolutely beautiful. I can say that; I look beautiful. “You look beautiful!” a fan calls out. I only smile at the compliment as Sung Hyo is talking to me at the same time. She keeps talking though, standing below the stage at first telling me what not to do in this dress and ends up getting up on the stage to fix the dress to make it look wider. She takes my hand against when telling me to take a small step forward, and for some reason my fans starts screaming. Maybe they thought I was about to fall, I don’t know. It takes a few minutes before the PD says we will start the rehearsal. We do half the song, I don’t sing exactly as high and focused to save my voice – my voice is okay today, I think resting from singing and hectic work in Las Vegas helped out – but just in case since I have performed [New Me] already and [Dream of Me] is a demanding song vocally. It is the first time performing [Dream of Me] and all I can long for is to stand on stage with my members. I love this, don’t take me wrong, I love that every fan in this hall is here for me, to watch my performance and hear my voice, but at the same time it feels like I miss something important. I am not good at performing ballads alone, because I can’t use movements like in pop songs or backup dancers to fill the stage with me. I like the stage today because the stage is small and the place is filled with fans looking to really enjoy the recording, but I still wished I had four friends with me on the stage. After the rehearsal I am smiling out at my fans. “Are you tired?” I ask them through the microphone. They have been here for hours, and they were here hours before coming in as they lined up outside wanting to be one of the 200 to be part of the double recording. By my question they shake their heads, and I see many of them smiling. I squat down to rest my legs a bit in the high heels. “Are you sure about that?” I ask my fans, doubting their answer. “You have to be honest with me.” “A little,” someone answers and more of them say about the same, “But it is worth it.” I pout with my lips a bit. “You guys have worked harder than me this year, I’m extremely grateful for it, but you need to make sure you take care of yourself, alright?” “You too!” “Hannah works the hardest!” “You’re too kind!” “Take care of yourself too, Hannah!” My smile is wide hearing their words, and I do notice that no one says ‘we will take care of ourselves’. I tell them; “If you guys take care of your health, I’ll take care of mine.” Right away there are countless of people saying they are healthy, saying they are taking good care of themselves, and I end up laughing when I hear the staff laugh at the sudden energy they get to say they are doing well. “Are you ready, Hannah?” the PD asks in the microphone. I stand up again, nodding and lightly touching the skirt to my dress, shyly smiling at my audience. I feel really pretty in long dresses, or maybe it is elegant? I dress up pretty much every day, I wear makeup and different outfits, but to perform in long gowns are somehow special, it makes me feel like I am really dressing up. We start the performance, cameras filming and I am not nervous at all. I am comfortable, I miss my members but I love the message in my song and the crowd standing around me. I was asked in an interview earlier today what I think this song means to my fans. For me, [Dream of Me] is a song to say exactly how much my fans do for me. I can have thousand of people telling me I and tell me to go back to the hole I crawled out from, and even if it would just be ten fans there telling me they want to hear me sing or watch me perform, I would ignore those thousand and work my hardest for those ten. Seeing them during the recording, I imagine that they know that, I imagine that they understand what they mean for me. While singing I feel joy to be here, to face my fans and sing that they are my dream. I know I have a lot of ups and downs, more in my mood than in my life, but this career is the best part of my life. I might cry floods in private, but right here, I would only cry the good tears. The happiness of who I am, who I have become, who I meet, of who inspires me. There is a part in [Dream of Me] where everything stops, the spotlight dies out and in the hall; I smile seeing the light sticks my fans hold up. Then the music comes back and the spotlight shines on me as I sing the high notes, and I am smiling widely while trying to focus on the singing. The first take comes to an end and when the cameras stop rolling I cover my face and laugh. My fans started to scream so much at the end and they scream more when I laugh. I don’t know why I laugh, I feel happy seeing they enjoy my performance. We do it one more time. I squat down at the side for a verse this time, singing for the camera and the fans there, and I can’t stop smiling just at that part, looking in the faces of my fans completely lost in my ballad performance. When the second recording is done I squat down again, and this time it is because I am surprisingly tired in my body from the high heels and the way I have been singing is even making my jaw tired, but my tired sigh turns into laughter as my fans keeps cheering and applauding. “That was the last one, guys,” I say when the PD announces we are done. I smile at them as they say they want to stay. “Did anyone of you watch this past week’s Music Core?” “Yes!” they answer loudly. I look at the side, seeing my stylist bring it over. I stretch my hand out to get the Music Core 1st place trophy and the cheering roars out around me. With the microphone to my lips, eyes on the trophy in my hand, I wait for the cheering to die out a bit. “I was given this backstage earlier,” I tell them and look out at my fans. “I wasn’t here for Music Core when [New Me] was announced at the week’s winner, given me a … Triple Crown at Music Core and also the fourteenth win for [New Me].” I find myself giggling after saying it as they cheer, saying I deserve it, and I just stay squatting there looking around me at my fans. “You deserve it,” I tell them in the microphone, and they roar, liking it. “I’m very serious, everyone. This album wouldn’t have existed if it wasn’t for all of your love and support. Each trophy I have received at music programs, I have wanted to hand out to all of you. It is yours, because it is mine, okay?” “Yeeees!” they happily answer nicely and I laugh when I thank them. “Now, I know it’s late and we all want to get home to our beds…” “Noooo!” I lean my head back with a laugh. “Yes!” I laugh at them. “Sleep is important. Now, before we all head home, would you guys want to take a picture with me? It might be a little difficult because there are so many of us, but … um… can we give it a try?” We have a staff member take the picture from one end of the crowd, and I stand out a lot even if I am sitting down on my stage, but it is a nice picture and my trophy is there. “Thank you, everyone!” I call out after getting off the stage, heading out. “Make sure you get home safely, sleep well! Goodnight!” {Instagram, 5P_HANNAH: Finished the recording with beautiful Puzzle. You got my love <3 Make sure to watch the special stage on Saturday’s Music Core!!! ^^,} ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ Gaping, I yawn while looking out the window at the fast train. In the morning I went to Gyeongju for a fan-signing and now I am heading back to Seoul for M Countdown and after that I got two more recordings for next week’s The Show and tomorrow’s Music Bank. I have slept surprisingly a lot this week, so I am restless sitting on the train now. And SHINee will be at M Countdown. I look to my right side where Chae Hwan is sleeping, and some seats further away there is a little girl with a colour book. She has been sitting with that colour book for an hour now, truly focused on colouring the pages. “We’ll get in the studio on Monday,” Manager Lee tells me. He is working. “Mm,” I nod simply. “That was supposed to be your day off,” he adds. I sigh and lean over the table between us to reach for the tablet where he has the schedule. Sunday, I will go back to Korea from Taiwan for Inkigayo and two final fan-signings, Monday was supposed to be free, Tuesday I have my concert in China, Wednesday and Thursday are also free. “We’re going to America on Thursday,” I point out seeing we have schedule in America on Friday. “Ah, right, I need to check that up, true,” Manager Lee remembers and I give him the t