Hannah’s Point of View It feels like when you start to read on a new chapter, excited for what you already have read and curious to continue reading, and maybe you can’t help but to let your mind travel a bit into your own world of fantasies for what will happen in this new chapter and page you have opened up and yet has to read. There can be new things emerging in the new chapter, they might surprise you or make you cry, it can develop new emotions or attachments to things you didn’t expect to feel or know. How exciting it is, to turn the page and see the new chapter.   A hand is held out over my papers on the table, the fingers start to tap on the surface with short nails that shows signs of have been bitten off. A nervous habit I have never understood. The tapping is to get my attention but the sound of the bracelet around the wrist is more disturbing than the tapping for me, as well as the breathing of my dear friend who is leaning over the table, desperately seeking attention. My eyes have been stuck on the papers for a long time now, I can feel it in my neck that the reading, taking notes and playing the songs over again are putting my body in an uncomfortable stiff position after some time. My wrist has started to hurt from all the work today but I am too focused to stop, maybe just stretch my back a bit, but I am too determined to do this that I haven’t even heard my name being said. When I reach out my hand to replay the song, my friend sits up straight at my movement and her hand is dragged over the table so she pulls some of my papers with her. “What?” I ask her annoyingly and grab my papers for them to not fall on the floor, knowing I use a rude tone but I am trying to concentrate and she should know that by not disturbing me. It is enough that she is in the same room. Those fingers start tapping on the table again, over at the corner, and it seems like she does it now without being aware of it. That makes it annoy me even more. “Have you made up your mind yet?” “No,” I shortly answer. “Is it close?” “Stop bothering me.” The tapping of her fingers stops when she glides away from the table in the office chair and I turn my focus back on my papers and the music in my ears. I know I shouldn’t be so annoyed at my friend when she is this nervous; after all, I am the one making the decisions now. I am nervous too, which is why I can’t make up my mind. For the past few months I have been working hard on making my solo album, for the past two months when I haven’t been away for concerts I have spent most of my time working on the album – whether it be at home or here, at the studio. I was the one who requested at first to not set a date for the solo album release because when I now have gotten the chance to help out with the production and song-writing I don’t want to stress and have any pressure to finish it quickly, but once I got to the studio and the ideas started to flow I have been working so much on the album until now that I could easily release it in a month. All songs have been recorded and finished, most of the songs have been approved and confirmed by the agency as well, it is just the last songs to make a decision of. That’s where my friend comes in. Carolina had planned to get the chance to help out with the album. She asked me many times how it is going, what songs I am writing, if she can give me any help, coming with demos of her own saying it would suit me, and in the end the two of us worked together in the studio because Carolina’s songs are good. Most of them are different from my taste; they are different from the way I sound. Carolina’s songs are a lot like Carolina; odd and unique, very suited for my friend but not for me. But together we seem to have made a few songs and also with the help of others we have found this middle point where our styles and genres meet – and now I have to decide which ones I want in my album. Our concert tour ended this past weekend with an encore stage in Seoul, we ended one chapter but we are starting on a new one already. Next week it will be December and our schedule will be packed with things to do; award shows, Christmas single promotions, preparations for the New Year. Somehow it feels like we have to rush things after all, to have time to finish everything before December ends. What I am sitting with now is a bunch of lyric-sheets, to make a decision where I have to sort out these in two piles; one to keep and one not to keep. The last songs for my album. After my decision has been made the chosen songs will be presented at a meeting with the agency, and they will do the final decision. But I can’t seem to make a decision. Why? Because the songs in front of me have been worked with Carolina, that’s why my friend is so nervous; I decide which of her songs will be in my album. I can’t decide because I seem to like all the songs. There is one song I am certain of and that’s the one song Carolina actually featured in on the track as not just a producer but a singer too. A sad ballad, really artistic (all of Carolina’s songs are artistic) with me singing featuring Carolina for some parts. It is actually one of the few where we wrote the lyrics together. Carolina has come with completed demos, lyrics and music all together for me to record in the studio, but this is a rare song that Carolina and I worked on together. I had the idea of the song; a few sentences written that I showed Carolina and the artistic genius who is my friend spent the rest of the day making the song. [Bittersweet] is the name of the song – when something is good but there is a bad part about it. I love the song actually, it is simple and it doesn’t have any really complicated parts with extreme high notes or sudden changes in the melody. To my surprise Carolina is quiet until I am done. She hums on a song for a bit one time but other than that she waits with surprisingly a lot of patience until I give out a loud sigh. “I might be done…” I mumble, uncertain of my decision and I can’t look away from the papers. I know by being in this position I have to turn down some of my friend’s songs, but the more I think about it the more I know that if the roles had been reversed and I was the one waiting for the result I would’ve wanted Carolina to only think of herself for the chosen songs. She will know that; that the songs I don’t chose doesn’t matter when there are songs I do choose. And after her own solo promotions that ended just the other week, Carolina has enough confidence in herself to know that the songs I don’t choose are still really good. At the sound of my voice, Carolina glides back to the table and impatiently shakes her legs waiting for me to hand her the chosen tracks. “Ohm…” Carolina nods when seeing what tracks I have chosen and I can feel the frown forming in my forehead when I wonder what that ‘ohm’ means. Is it good or bad? I watch her read through my notes for choosing just these songs, wondering what she is thinking of. I write notes for the meeting, for them to know my reasons when they listen through the songs. “I didn’t write this one,” Carolina comments and shows me one of the papers. I nod. “Not all are yours,” I quietly say and lie down my head on the table. I’m tired. The clock on the wall behind me shows that I have been here for almost four hours. Much longer and I will be late for my dance practice. “It’s good…” Carolina mumbles when reading the lyrics. I wrote [Breakaway] several years ago, before our time in Korea. I wanted to travel and see the world, meet different cultures and I was mad at my family and I ended up writing the song about spreading my wings and break free. During our first year in Korea when we received tons of training I brought it out to prefect it a bit and to make a melody to it, and some weeks ago I began searching through all of my notes after it; a high pile of notebooks I have collected for over ten years. It was fun going through them because the oldest have text in Swedish and English, while the newest ones are in Korean and English; I even have some in Japanese. It was my decision- no, it was what I needed, to have this song put in the album – as a reminder of my past and family. The key of this album is personal. It is personal for me, which is why I have doubted so much about some of the songs with Carolina; it doesn’t lack anything as songs other than that I can’t find some of them personal. I have been sitting and falling in love with the songs and text, finally making my decision. Carolina looks up from the notes with a soft smile. Her smile is unusual, she always have this bright smile covering her face that either looks beautiful or dumb. Her smile now is touching, reminding me of how she smiled at the concert this past weekend when thanking all of our fans for their undying love. “It will be a brilliant album, magnae,” Carolina says and I know I must be smiling like a big idiot when it starts to hit me. “It’s pretty much done now,” I sigh and start gathering my papers. “All songs are done,” she answers, nodding and putting down the papers to have me sort them out in piles. My heart is beating fast by the thought that I have finished one chapter already, one chapter for the book that is my album. I have more chapters to come, but for now it feels like the first part is completed. “Should we eat ramen before heading home?” I pout at the suggestion. “I can’t,” is the answer she gets as I stand up with my papers in the map held carefully in my arms. Carolina pouts too. “Why not?” “Practice,” I say. She knows I have practice but it must’ve slipped her mind because her face-expression says she remembers it now and she follows me out the room saying she might find someone else to eat with or she can just eat it by herself. We part ways and I head to another floor to leave the chosen songs to the office so they have it later at the meeting, and then I head to the practice-room. SM Entertainment is filled with people this week. Those working on up-coming projects, there are meetings to set schedules for December and for next year, and a few idols are in the building as well. For me, I don’t meet anyone in particular when going to the practice-room but as soon as I enter the room I lower my head in a greeting to my teacher. The room is large without windows, mirrors covering two walls and over by one corner it is a sofa and equipment for music and practicing. My teacher and choreographer is the cool Kim Ji Hwa, she is always strict and precise and she is the best teacher in the practice-room I have ever had. She is a tiny Korean woman. When the group first met her, Carolina mistook her for Boa-senior. She is a flawless choreographer and has worked on my solo songs since the beginning in 2010, when I first made my solo debut. You can say she is 5 Pieces’ choreographer, though the group’s choreographies are made by others she is often the one teaching it to 5 Pieces and adapting it to the girl-group. “Are you ready to begin?” Teacher Ji Hwa asks when I have changed my shoes and warmed up my body. Nodding, I stand over to take my position on the side a bit behind my teacher. We have been practicing the choreographies for three songs from my album. The title track [NEW ME] that have been modified a bit with time to work for a performance, then also a song we named [RETURN (addicted to you)]. Both of them were made at the beginning of these preparations, and I have been practicing the choreography for the title in two months now. But the song I am practicing today was practiced yesterday too, it is new for me but I like it. The song is called [Only My (Fight)], it is an R&B dance song that we first were planning to have me stand there and sing with some back-up dancers dramatically dancing to make the performance more artistic. I can’t remember how it ended up with me doing the dance, but I for sure like it – I am too awkward standing still and sing for a song like this. It is the second day learning and practicing the choreography for this song, it is just me and Teacher Ji Hwa in the practice-room and my beating heart from the studio is still beating hard by the thoughts of my own album being in the making. Will people like it? No, I don’t care about people, I care about the fans. Will they like what I have prepared? Will they like that it is a personal album for me and enjoy the music, maybe bringing the lyrics into their own situation the same way they have done before? What will their thoughts be? I am worried, mostly scared, but at the same time I can’t wait to be standing on the stage for my solo comeback and face my fans again. I have been promoting as 5 Pieces’ Hannah for the whole year, it will be nice to step out as a solo artist again. Not that I mind working with my ladies, we have had a blast this year and I know it gets a bit lonely working without them, but 2015 has so many things planned for 5 Pieces that maybe working as a solo will not make me go completely crazy of the ladies. The mirror-reflection continues to show my movements, how I am corrected by Teacher Ji Hwa and how we both are so focused on the practice that time just flies by. It’s clear in the mirror how my pastel purple hair has gotten lighter and lighter for the past weeks. I hadn’t made up my mind on how to change my hair this time as I have spent the previous promotion dying it in a bunch of pastel colours like blue, green, pink and purple; I have been waiting for our tour to end before I can dye it differently, so I have kept the purple colour and then re-dying it in a lighter purple each time it was needed the past months. To dye it in another colour this time means starting something new for me, like ending the promotions we have had and to start new ones, with a fresh start.  For practice I have put it all in a pony-tail, to not be disturbed by sweaty hair in my face, and I continue to practice until sweat is dripping down my neck [Only My (Fight)] is a really good song about standing up against lies and people who want to make you fall, standing on your own feet. I love it from beginning to end, especially the line *tried to push me to the edge* and a sim