“Are you tired?” I ask Tiger on Saturday morning when getting ready to go on my schedule. Tiger is like often walking after me as I go from bedroom to bathroom back and forth. She stops one time to start stretch out and yawn, that’s why I ask her if she is tired. After yesterday’s Music Bank I stayed chatting a bit more with the others backstage before heading home. Kyungho slept over for today’s Good Sister filming and when he went to bed last night I went to bed too, and at that point I was a zombie walking around, even my consciousness had gone to sleep, so it was not difficult at all to fall asleep once my head reached my pillow. The tricky part was waking up 4:29, and fifteen minutes later I am out through the door with Tiger. The cameras filming in the house have probably just caught a glimpse of me before I left and I am happy there are no cameras coming with me now. Outside it is cold and chilly, I am wearing a winter jacket and a warm scarf and I am almost feeling the urge to curse when stepping out on the street to see Manager Lee is not here yet. Standing out there freezing, he comes just a few seconds later. “Good morning,” a man sitting behind the steering wheel who is not Manager Lee greets me with a smile. Manager Lee is sitting on the passenger seat, telling me to get in. The man driving today has been driving earlier this week too, but I have not been introduced to him yet. I think he is a driver, and a part of me is extremely happy to not have Manager Lee drive when he is having a hangover, when he is tired or just to save me from my manager’s driving. This man is a better driver; I am a bit too conscious of the way people drive though I don’t have a driving licence myself. I am actually mentally unstable according to some doctors to get a driving licence, because I have had a traumatic experience with a car-accident putting me in a coma a few years ago. I seriously don’t want a driving licence but that don’t mean I let anyone drive me around. We head to the saloon first, in complete silence, only the radio heard in the van. At the saloon Manager Lee starts talking to me about the day’s schedule. Music Core’s pre-recording of [NEW ME] first thing now in the morning, I will rehearse for [BLAME] too so I have that done before we will go to a commercial filming during the day, then head back to the live broadcast of Music Core. “Are you tired?” I whisper to Manager Lee when we are done at the saloon, my hair and makeup completed. “In fact I am,” he answers, holding up the door for me to step outside. “I do not recall being this tired last year during 5 Pieces’ promotions, and this round has just started.” I smile at his words because last year he had it a lot easier since with 5 Pieces we have more managers so they can take turns, while now it is Manager Lee working as much as me. I don’t tell him that though. While we have been at the saloon, the driver has gone to pick up Yong Hyun’s assistant Sung Hyo and my makeup stylist Chae Hwan, so they are in the van when we take our seats. I ask them too if they are tired, hearing my manager laugh at my question but I am still curious. For me, I’m not that tired; I have gotten my sleep this night and when I woke up I felt like I would be spending today like a zombie, but after being at the saloon and my brain starting to think, I am awake. In the van we are chatting about this and that; about my comeback, making me smile as we talk about the positivity we have been receiving for the album, outfits, makeup, hair, music, performances, I have even been receiving sweet comments from fans about my personality. We also talk about my crew’s family, of what they did last night and such. The driver is named Park Jiji, it was Sung Hyo who asked of his name while we were talking. He is two years older than me and he said his girlfriend is a nurse, she work very different times of the day so she don’t mind him leaving home at four in the morning as she comes home from work at seven. He is a manager; Manager Lee says the driver is in fact a manager who has been signed up to work with us because the other managers will be working with 5 Pieces so we are in need of someone extra for my solo activities. I didn’t know that. There are currently two managers and two stylists with me when we arrive at MBC, and inside there is a crew of dancers as well. When coming to the dressing-room – a white room with a white makeup table across from the door, two black two-seat sofas facing each other with a long but low table in between and the room has a bunch of chairs piled up in the corner as the room is for me and my whole crew, including the dancers – I put Tiger down under the makeup table and make her own space there with a blanket I always has with me for her along with the travel crate. MBC is fast like always, I am heading to the stage for [New Me] rehearsals after just a few minutes since arrival, wearing my own clothes for that and rehearsals go by quickly too. I didn’t warm up before rehearsals so I took it pretty calmly, but once going backstage to get into the right outfit I warm up body, voice and mind for the pre-recording. A rose red teardrop pixie dress; a sheer mesh mini dress with embroidery all over, an absolutely stunning dress that I fill up with a bunch of metal bracelets on my right wrist, a simple ring and two necklaces where one is long in three parts and one is short around my neck. On my feet I wear a pair of high heel platform ankle boots in red; gorgeous, high, makes my legs look better but my toes are uncomfortable and I start hoping today’s recording will pass by just as quickly as the rehearsal. The stage at Music Core is round with walls in metallic and white, small screens in the walls that already are showing images of my album cover – the pattern of butterfly wings. Round lamps are patterned on the walls to lighten it up as well and when we head up on the stage this time compared to for the rehearsals, fans are filling up the hall looking absolutely amazing with purple balloons in their hands. On the way in to MBC my fan-club had been handing out the balloons to each other; but the balloons aren’t just in purple like Puzzle’s colour. I can see there is a mark on the balloons, I’m not sure if I have seen that earlier this week as fans had balloons then too, so just in case after greeting my fans I ask them what’s on the balloons. With some distance between fans and the stage, a fan at the front tries to throw the balloon over at me – failing since it doesn’t reach – and I apologetic asks a staff to hand the balloon back to the fan as some of the others had just turned the mark for me to see the black mark of wings on the balloons on each side of my name written. It is in fact SM Entertainment that has fixed the balloons, selling it for fans to have special balloons for my album promotions. We had them at the concert too, which I for a second seemed to have forgotten until I saw the mark clearly. The recording doesn’t go as fast as I had wanted, between each time we had finished the song I get to sit down and rest my feet and also my voice. We didn’t really think things through when making the songs for my album; I was pretty certain during the album making that the songs would be fun to perform, but how come I never thought of how difficult it would be to perform them? The high notes are more difficult than the choreography, and to do both is tiring. I’m not tired or exhausted; my voice is just a tiny, tiny bit weak. Well, no, weak sounds bad so I just say I’m thirsty. But my fans are incredible like always. We chat between the recordings; we do the cheer we decided on the other day, talk about food (because I want to know if they have eaten breakfast and they ask the same back to me), of course we talk about other things too. There are a lot of girls in the audience today, it’s just a few male fans and it is so clear what a difference their cheering is – male fans have a deep voice which is not heard today – but it is a sound I am used at, to have a bunch of girls shouting and chanting along during my performance. The commercial filming afterward goes by in a flash all for one reason: it is fun. What I have always disliked since I was a kid was that time flies by quickly when you have fun or have a lot to do, and time is then slow when you are bored or want time to pass. Today’s commercial filming is with 5 Pieces, and also our little brother Kyung Ho. It is for a cell phone app where you can take a picture and then add things on the picture; so our commercial is of the ladies doing our own thing, having fun taking a picture and adding figures or words in it before sending it to one another. I film my part in a room that is supposed to be my dressing-room, I am wearing a super cosy patterned sweater dress and I even have my stylists around while we film me receiving the fun picture Julia sent and I take a picture of myself to add a moustache and send it back. The others have been filming since morning and they will continue when I leave as we all have our own scenes, but before I head back to Music Core we all gather for one scene together where we all gather for a meal – 5 Pieces and Kyung Ho – and we laugh, talk about the pictures we have been sending over the day before taking one final picture to add fun stuff onto together. It is fun filming it, which makes me sad that as soon as my scenes are done I head to Music Core for my comeback stage there. “This one,” I say and point out my foot at the high heels. For today’s live performance of [BLAME] I am wearing a low-back romper featuring ruffle-trimmed lace inserts and hem, and a halter neckline with rope ties and tassel ends. It is a summer romper in a washed rose red colour, and since it is very bare on arms and back I only agreed on wearing it to a jeans jacket that my stylists have filled with hearts and wings and letters writing ‘Hannah’, ‘blame’ and so on. The heels I have chosen on from the four different pairs lined up in the room are a pair of black round-toe ankle strap pumps, simple and pretty. Coming back to MBC I have changed clothes and fixed my hair and makeup. After the pre-recording in the morning and filming the commercial, it is already time for Music Core to begin once I am done changing. “Have you worn this all week?” I look up from my phone, texting Kyung Ho and some friends, when Sung Hyo lifts up the hood of the cardigan I am wearing. “Mm, pretty much,” I shrug my shoulder. I use the cardigan backstage at the music programs to cover myself up, to not mess up my stage outfits, to stay warm and the usual reasons. Stylist Sung Hyo grimaces at my answer and I guess she is not pleased with an idol wearing the same cardigan more than once a week, but I just smile over at my makeup stylist; Chae Hwan is sitting in the sofa across from me with her feet pulled up underneath her and while she has been looking through inspiration on the internet she is smiling back at me. Sung Hyo is a great stylist, I don’t doubt that, she works well with Yong Hyun and she trusts me by asking what I want to wear on the stage; but there are small times when her opinions (like now with my cardigan) makes me think she is a little bit close minded. I have heard her talk to Yong Hyun too, how she was doubtful about a shirt to let a lady wear when it is a men’s shirt. At times she comes with questions or opinions that make me smile because we don’t care about those things. I am 22 years old; I know when my clothes are dirty, so I don’t need her to point things out for me. My cardigan isn’t dirty but as a stylist she is a lot into wear-it-once-and-never-again, kind of. I’m happy Chae Hwan isn’t like that; cute Chae Hwan is more like me, who doesn’t point out what other people are wearing though her focus is more on hair and when looking on the internet she always think of makeup. There is one person in my crew who doesn’t mind telling me what I am wearing, pointing things out endlessly and annoyingly – Manager Lee. “Unnie, what do you think of this one?” Chae Hwan asks and leans over the table between us to show a picture on pinterest.com. It hits me every time though; unnie. I am so not used to be called that. The picture she shows me is of an American actress; Mila Kunis. It is an absolutely stunning picture of the actress but I am not sure what Chae Hwan wants me to look at; those pretty light lips, that y smoky eye makeup or those well made eyebrows. “Um…” I start to drag out the word, blinking as Mila Kunis is stunning in the picture. “You want to try that hairstyle?” Chae Hwan fills out the question. “I think it would look good on you.” “It’s pretty,” I nod. If anything the hairstyle was the last thing in the picture I noticed. “I know, isn’t it?” Chae Hwan looks excited and leans back in her seat to continue looking through the pictures. She doesn’t notice my lack of enthusiasm; truthfully I don’t notice details like the others so I’m not really sure what was so special with the hair in that picture. Tiger is playing by my feet; I can feel her tail touch my slippers from time to time, and I drop my phone next to me to annoy her with my toes. My room is crowded with the dancers resting or stretching, a group of them are covering one corner playing online games together. I’m sitting alone in my sofa by the wall while Chae Hwan has three others sitting with her, not taking much space as they keep going and coming. Everyone seems to be in a good mood, I see some yawning here and there but I think we are mostly just waiting to get up on the stage for [BLAME]. I know I am – to perform the song, to meet today’s audience, to sing, to have fun with these weird friends of mine – I do miss my members, but our crew is as good as always so I do look forward to have fun on the stage with them. A knock on the door makes me sit up straight from playing with Tiger, and I lean against the backr