“I am very sad to tell you this,” I say with a pout, “But I have one last song to perform for you all.” Nodding with sympathy, I listen to the cries of my fans. “I saved a favourite to the end,” I comment and show my hand to the right where the piano is taken out. “This is the talented and the beautiful pianist Song Giyoon, everyone. She has been playing the piano for this song in … two years, I think, and on February 21, she will become a lucky man’s wife.” The pianist who is younger than me gives my fans a polite bow before she takes her seat by the piano, smiling at me and mouthing that I didn’t have to bring that up. I had to bring it up, boasting a bit that she is getting married – I have even been invited, not just to witness a big day but to sing on her wedding too. As a friend, I will do that. “Maybe you already know what song it is?” I ask my fans as I stand next to the piano, and they all answer the same song – [I CRY]. “You know the story of this song already too, so to end my first NEW ME concert, I want to cherish life and sing this song with you all.” I turn to my pianist and she starts playing the sad melody for [I CRY]. The lights are dark, the spotlight is blue on us, and I lean on the piano as I start singing the sad tone. I am on the first verse when I feel the tears coming; I can hear my fans singing along. For the second verse I turn around, lying with my back over the piano and someone cheers with a cry in the audience. I can sing without it being heard that I am kind of crying too, I get lost in the music and my lyrics and my fans, and I take my hand across the piano I am leaning my back against – completely lost in the sad ballad. It is just me and Giyoon, the piano and these 1,500 incredible fans. They sing along so well, especially for the first chorus. I can just lie down and listen to them, but I stand up straight and focus on singing instead. During the song I walk to the front of the stage, and I slowly walk down the stairs to the crying and cheering from the audience. I glance over to the left side, seeing the girl in the wheelchair who I had met backstage, and I take my time to walk over to her, looking at my fans and touching the hands held out for me. Everyone is standing up, surprising me so much because I would be sitting down if there were seats. The girl is crying so hard when I come up to her. I give her a hug and a smile before walking back to the centre. Everyone seems to be crying, making me cry too, and I stop singing when walking up in the middle, having fans cry and sing around me. They are amazing, absolutely breathtaking, these fans of mine. I look up at the second and third floor and I continue to sing, waving up at them. I turn around, seeing the stage from where they have seen it, and it looks great. The stage looks really beautiful, Giyoon and the piano too, and I feel small standing among 1,500 seats and people. It feels bigger standing among them, not knowing where it ends and begins, and I realise that I have just had my first concert for all of these people. Crying, I manage to end the song and I am back up on the stage, a towel against my cheek as I cry and look out at my crying fans. “I’m sad the concert is ending already,” I whisper in the microphone and they start crying even more. “You are all crying too much!” They laugh in their tears at me scolding them but I am smiling behind my tears too. “I had a lot of fun tonight. The beauty of Puzzle always seems to put me in a daze,” I say and I pause to pat away my tears. It is still an encore left, two more songs, but the fans doesn’t know that and it is still just two more songs so I feel bad it is ending already. “I am forever deeply thankful for all your love and support…” I need to get the goodbye speech done, while crying. “I hope you have had a great night with me, and I promise I will fight my best and work my hardest on the promotions starting this week, to be the best Hannah I can give you, and to make Puzzle and 5 Pieces proud. I want to thank everyone; my dancers, the band and the large crew that has worked on putting together this concert and tour together. I want to thank my ladies, who came down here to Busan with me yesterday to help me keep my head straight and who are watching me follow their advices on the stage. They actually were betting with the crew yesterday, on when I would cry.” I grimace at the audience screaming at my words. How could I not cry? This is the reason I live, this is the reason I sing and smile and manage to stay so positive. My fans are really so much, crowding to see me and spending money too. Their devotion is why I am here. “It made me determined to not cry, which failed completely because the reason I am standing on this stage today is because of you all in front of me. And you really got no idea how beautiful you all look, do you?” I laugh in my tears, staring around at the audience. “This is the most beautiful view. Puzzle, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming here tonight, for always and always showing your endless love no matter how ugly I cry in front of you. You all are really the beauty of this world. Thank you.” I bow down deeply. “Really thank you so much,” I cry out in the microphone while bowing anew. They are crying, clapping and cheering, thanking me too. I hold my breath when I stand up to try stop crying. “I have shown good and bad sides for you, haven’t I? Yet you stay here. I promise to continue living my dream as your artist, always working harder to be happy, and I hope everyone will strive for the same – always be happy, always strive for happiness.” I am nodding at my audience, not completely seeing them because of the light, but I nod a bit more and I give them a deep bow – I hear them clearly. The screen goes down between us and I hurry off the stage when the screen shows my logo. It is wipe your tears and get ready to get back up when I go backstage. The tears are forced to stop because the encore song is a happy song. The fans are crying loudly but they aren’t really chanting anything (probably because they are too busy crying), so the director gives me the microphone and tells me to start the chanting. “Eeeeh,” I comment in the microphone and right away the crying becomes loud screaming. “You can do better than that, can you not? Encore! Encore!” The audience starts chanting with laughter and my crew is hurrying up on the stage in colourful jackets and headbands, chanting along while some of the dancers are doing their tricks and the band is playing music, and I run up on the stage with a colourful jacket tied around my waist. “WOOH!” I shout happily as I run out at the centre. “We’re not done yet! Let’s go!” I dance happily with the crew on the stage, dancing to the music before [Baby] starts to play and I start singing the R&B pop dance track from my album, the fans are on their feet, screaming and jumping as we liven up the mood. The song is about gratitude, about being scared of being too close at times but that you/Puzzle always taking the time, always being understandable. It is a love song directed to our fans, a song that Carolina and I worked on together. I bounce off the stage to go out to my fans; some of my crew comes along. I am smiling, singing and I am throwing and handing out a soft toy – a cute animal with wings, half the size of my hand – and each one of them has its own message of them that says “you are beautiful”, “thank you for being happy”, “you make me happy” and so on along with my autograph. I don’t know what the animal is, it could be some kind of bear or something else, but the message is what matters and I am smiling when handing them out. I actually ask Myung by patting his shoulder and giving him some of these and I point up on the other floors to have him throw them up to the hands held out. We don’t hand out all of them, instead we go back to the stage to complete the song there and I am smiling from ear to ear seeing my fans how happy they are that it was an encore. [Baby] ends but the band starts playing another song, a calmer version of [Dream of Me] that I sing to while waving and thanking my fans. between the singing I thank my staff again, my stylists and managers, the choreographers and producers, directors and staff behind the concert, the friends at SM Entertainment that have been giving me advices and sent me support over the phone today, my dancers and the band, my trainers, and I mention my members by name, my sister, I thank my fans and I wish everyone will enjoy my album. Just as I remember something I have to mention, everyone gets a little extra loud – my members are coming up on the stage. Carolina and Maria fights to get their arms around me and I am laughing as Emelia makes everyone clap their hands in synch “Ah,” I try to say while wiping my tears, having Maria hug on to me tightly, “To thank everyone for coming here today, if you look under your seats … um… you will find a ticket that is … if you take it to a music store, you will get my album without any payment. It is a free album ticket. I love you, Puzzle! Get home safely and let’s meet again soon, Busan!” I continue to sing the song, hugging my members and crying, and I walk over to the front corners to sing for my incredible fans and I see my dancers waving their hands on the stage, some are throwing out more soft toys; Julia kisses one before throwing it. Confetti shoots up from the stage out to the audience and I am using my last strength to sing the song for everyone. When I am back at the centre of the stage, my members gets around me to stand together, and they are ending the concert with me. We take a picture with everyone; everyone on the stage turns around to have my fans seen in the picture too. Then it’s done. The concert has ended. As soon as I get off the stage I sit down on a chair to just cry. I can’t stop crying. I have so much relief from finishing the first concert, to have had revealed and performed the new songs and from beginning to end (out of my point of view) it has been a wonderful experience. Emelia hugs me from behind, saying that it was a great concert, and she pats my head when I just cry more. The fans cried so much at the ending. Though I am having so many thoughts, I wonder what I could’ve done better. Someone is taking off the microphone pack and in-ear monitor from me so I have to stand up, being supported by Manager Lee because I am crying so much. I don’t know how long time it takes or how I manage to get there, but somehow I walk to the dressing-room. People are clapping their hands all the way there, I hug my crew and when coming back to my room I am instructed to start moving my body as to stretch after the concert. The tears are just rolling down my face, I hear them laugh around me but I am just crying endlessly. It takes minutes for me to calm down, and then I hear my members and staff talk about the great things about the concert. I can’t talk, knowing I will start crying again so I just close my eyes, leans back on a chair as my trainer instructs me to after stretching, and I am taking deep breaths. I hear my sister’s voice, hearing her say that she cried so much during the concert and that makes me tear up again. “Excuse me,” a staff member shows up by the door. “No one is leaving.” “Okay…?” Manager Lee asks. “They are requesting another song,” the staff comments and I can feel the eyes turn to me. There is no question whether or not I will go back up on the stage. I don’t look too dreadful, my makeup is great but I need Chae Hwan to put on some magic on me before I head back to the stage. And the closer I get, the better I hear. It is a beautiful chant calling me back for another song, a chant for an encore. I grab the microphone and I hurry back up on the stage, smiling when everyone starts to scream. “They told me you don’t want to leave!” I say with a smile while tearing up again. In response, they start singing. I tilt my head to the side to listen to them and then I put my hand below my nose to listen to them sing [Burning], my solo debut song. I try not to cry, I just watch them and hold out the microphone for them. When I am ready I sing along with them, and we don’t even have any music. I get down on my knees when they are done singing, hoping they know just how thankful I am for this. I don’t get up for a long time it feels like, and when I do stand up I continue to watch my fans, thanking them. In the end we need to part. “You have to go home now,” I say, wiping my tears with wet fingers. “Go home and get some sleep, Puzzle. I will dream of you all tonight, thank you so much for giving me this.” I hold my hand to my chest, looking around at them. They are really not leaving. I wave with both my hands to them as I back away and I smile widely as they are waving back, calling out for me to get home safely too. I get off the stage and wait there until I can hear them leave, and I am smiling at the staff, thanking them for their hard work. When we are backstage, I have stopped to think, just taking pictures and being grateful, not really knowing what I am saying or doing as all my energy has been taken during the concert and the crying. Instead of sitting down for a concert meeting we are told to write down our thoughts, what we can do better next time and ideas for changes, and for tonight we are told to just enjoy. I am exhausted and I want to sleep because I haven’t been able to sleep well these past couple of days, but I go with everyone to a restaurant to eat and chat and celebrate the beginning of NEW ME. I feel empty tonight. After the concert, after leaving the hall, I feel like I am empty, I can’t express what it is but I know it is a good feeling. I have let myself out tonight. I am free. “60 people!” Min Na is shouting over my table at the restaurant. “What?” Julia and I ask in choir. The restaurant is loud, we are all talking and there are people singing, everyone seems to be in great moods and I have my sister next to me. “It says here,” Min Na says and shows us the article, “That around 60 people fainted at the concert!” I burst out laughing saying that is impossible. “I saw not a single person fainting-” “Oh, there were people fainting,” Julia laughs next to me, “But I don’t think it was 60 people.” Min Na shrugs her shoulder. “It’s the internet saying 60 people.” “What are you saying?” Jen whispers in my ear. I keep forgetting that she doesn’t understand our language. “They say around 60 people fainted at the concert,” I giggle at her. Jen stares at me. She isn’t used to this life, it was her second concert tonight – the first concert she went to was 5 Pieces. “I believe it,” she comments and she looks completely serious when I smile at her. “Do you have any idea of how crazy people got during the concert? I thought everyone around us was going completely out of their minds!” “EVERYONE!” Emelia suddenly roars and stands up on her feet. Speaking in Korean she tells those that listens; “Hannah’s sister says you made everyone go completely out of their minds tonight! The first concert! That’s the way to go!” Glasses are raised and cheers are heard after her words and I join them with a glass of water, telling my sister that we are celebrating the good response of the concert. Everyone keeps commenting on it, we read online about reviews of journalists and fans that were at the concert and I must say, it could’ve have gone better. I am not even aware of half the things written, I don’t even know what I did on the stage but people are commenting it was a concert you did not expect to witness, a concert that is not k-pop, a hot concert and that it was on a different level than what even 5 Pieces have pulled off. The difference between my concert and 5 Pieces’ concert would be the iness, they say, that I had more iness in my show and it was so many comments and praise about the outfits, the performances, the live singing, the use of the stage, the effects, the artistic side of the songs, the intimate parts, the personal touch – everything is given praise. We are celebrating the success of the concert but have decided to head back to the hotel pretty early. Since the concert began at 18:40, we still have a few hours to celebrate. Before midnight he contacts me. I squeal without even knowing it and I crawl over the restaurant’s sofa to reach Maria, shoving the cell phone in front of her as I sit closely next to her, my eyes big and tired as I look at her. “You texted him?” she bursts out in surprise, grabbing my phone to see. “Wha- No, he texted me, see?” I say and put my head next to hers to see the phone screen. “Baby, right here, you wrote ‘my first concert was overwhelming, it was so beautiful and everyone cried so much’. You wrote that,” she tells me and gives the phone back. I lean back in the sofa as I see the proof on my phone. I have no memory of writing this, or sending this. Maria laughs and gives me a hug, which I don’t really react on because I am just focused on my phone. I made the first contact with him, without even knowing it. Out of nowhere my phone starts ringing and I break out from Maria’s arms to shove the phone up in her face once again, this time I am panicking. Maria laughs at me, not knowing at all what I am doing but when she tells me to answer it, I am up on me feet running away from the noise to answer the phone. “Hello?” I answer quickly while still hurrying away from the noise. “Hello,” the most breathtaking voice in the universe greets on the line and I cover my free ear to hear him better. “Are you having a busy night?” Oh my GOD that voice! I am completely speechless hearing it, just gaping at first as I repeat the sound of his voice in my mind. “Oh-no, no, not at all,” I stutter out and I spin around sighing at myself for being nervous. It’s Jonghyun! Oh please, the man I have spoken to almost every single day for a few years – why am I suddenly nervous? Oh, right, yes, it is because we are not together anymore. “What are you doing then?” “Um… we are out celebrating the concert,” I tell him, glancing around me and doing my best to take deep breaths. “What about you, what are you doing?” “Not much… I was reading online, seeing how hot your concert was and all these people fainting… Apparently you are on fire,” Jonghyun is saying. He has this really deep voice, speaking softly and it is super y and I am imagining the way his lips are moving and how he moves his head when he talks and it is so wrong but so nice and I am dreaming away to his voice. “I didn’t want much, just … wanted to congratulate you on the concert.” “It was incredible,” I whisper at him, closing my eyes as I remember how it was to stand on the stage and perform my songs to an audience of fans loving it. “I know it was,” Jonghyun is smiling. “You should’ve seen them, Jonghyun,” I whisper and I smile as I tear up at the memories. “You should have heard them. They were singing and crying and cheering and they were so excited and … and it was just magical, the whole thing.” I bite my lip when hearing him laugh. Did I get carried away about the concert? “I will come watch the next concert,” Jonghyun tells me. “I want to see you lighten up that stage and hear your fans with my own eyes and ears.” “I would like that.” I am smiling too big for be talking to my ex-boyfriend, and when Emelia comes over to me she is raising her eyebrows at me. “We’re about to leave,” Emelia tells me, “final speech and that, so hang up that call.” “Um,” I start saying on the phone, “I have to go…” “I heard,” Jonghyun chuckles, “Congratulations again, Hannah.” “Thank you…” Emelia lifts her chin looking at me when I hang up on the call. “Jonghyun?” I nod, not sure what she thinks of that, but she doesn’t comment. She just nods for us to go back to the others. I still have to thank everyone again and tell everyone to sleep well and prepare for the comeback week. I remember that I sang Jonghyun’s song too, and on the way back to the hotel to sleep I do text Jonghyun about it. He has already found out about it as someone wrote online ‘Hannah sang Jonghyun’s [Crazy] on our request; she looked so cute singing it and she sang it so well, then she got embarrassed and apologized for not doing the song right’. With a picture from the concert, a picture I finds online from a photographer of me looking hot on the stage, I update Instagram before I try to get some sleep. {Instagram, 5P_HANNAH: Thank you for the first concert, Busan, love you so much!} ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ I am sleeping on the flight back to Seoul on Monday morning. I get on a different van with my stylists and Manager Lee, my sister comes along too out of curiosity for how my day will look like while I tell her I will be working all day. She will regret it. We head to the saloon first, which she does not regret as we have hair and makeup making her a natural beauty – my makeup isn’t too heavy either – and our hairs are styled the same, and though I have dyed my hair and she has her hair shorter the quality of our hair is the same and we do look alike. She wants to talk, and I need to work. My sister is like a little buzzing sound by my ear as I am going through the papers for the day’s interviews. I still feel a bit empty from yesterday, but I focus and go through things with my manager – I need to focus. I have a woman following us with a camera to film for the DVD, to come along to the schedules, we have it very simple with just one camera, and then I have a personal camera in the van that I don’t really bring along as we go from the saloon to get dressed to the first interview. It is when leaving Yong Hyun’s studio that we see the album for the first time. My