“Why a flute though?” I lean my head back with a laugh at female dancer Ri Bae’s question. Others in the backstage room laugh at the way she asks it too, as if she can’t understand it, a flute, a flute… “I just mean,” Ri Bae starts laughing too and hits Shiwon on his leg. “You know how to play the drums; you always talk about wanting to play the piano… Why not a piano?” “Because I know how to play the flute,” I answer with a smile. “And it was fun playing it the other day at Weekly Idol, so I want to take up on that.” Ever since two days ago when I was recording Weekly Idol, I have gotten the urge to get a flute to take up on playing it because the sound of it the other day was familiar. I understand what Ri Bae means; for years I have always showed love to the piano, how wonderful I think the sound of a piano is and how handsome people playing it are, but I also know that I am too lazy to learn from the grounds a new instrument, so taking up on an instrument I once played for a few years seems like a better idea. “Were you good at the flute then?” Ri Bae wonders. It makes me think back: I started playing the normal flute in third grade, in fourth grade I started playing the transverse flute all up to seventh grade. I continued to play at home even after stopping to play in school, all until my mother sold my flute. “Four years in school,” I distantly answer. “She asked if you were good at the flute,” Min Na laughs next to me. “Ah… I don’t know.” “Typical,” Myung chuckles I am smiling at them. We are backstage at M Countdown waiting for the very first live performance of [New Me] to begin – we have only done pre-recordings for the past week, not a live broadcast – and we are chatting about headlines, articles, hobbies and what plans everyone are having for Valentine’s Day. It’s Thursday today so in two days it is Valentine’s Day, and I think we are just joking around with each other when asking about plans as we will be working on Saturday with Music Core and a Romantic Valentine Concert we are invited to perform at. Though I am promoting without my members it is fun to have my dancers in the same room at music programs, it’s not as quiet and lonely with them around and there is constantly a conversation on-going. I have Min Na quietly tease me about the flute; “when will you have time to play the flute?” I just smile at her because I don’t think I can play the flute at home where we have sensitive ears, so it should be at the agency I will play. I do want to play the flute. For today’s performance I am in a short multi-tiered dress with a crinkly chiffon, lace and crochet skirt and sheer lace sleeves, a black dress. I like the long sleeves, they are cool in their sheer lace and though the dress is short like all the dresses for my solo promotions (maybe the dresses are long for other idols because I keep seeing girl-groups with shorter ones) but I make up for it with knee-long boots, also black. A fan had given me a golden ring with a butterfly on it; the butterfly’s wings are double and beautiful spreading out so when wearing it the wings spread out over my two fingers next too and I am wearing the ring on my middle finger today just because I find it beautiful. That also means the silver accessories we had thought of wearing are changed among the messy of accessories until we pick out matching golden accessories for the butterfly one, all because of that ring. But chatting with my crew isn’t all I have to do. People keep mentioning Jonghyun, not my own crew but others, like on Weekly Idol like in interviews, not mentioning him by name but coming with luring questions. If it was two or three years ago and I would be given the same luring questions I would have blanked, I wouldn’t have understood it and probably made a fool of myself. I think I have had the time to think through how to react to people mentioning Jonghyun in interviews, how to take it lightly and not fall for their traps without ruining an interview/filming, to just move on. I can’t let it go on like this; I don’t want people to ask about Jonghyun to remind me that we have broken up, to put on an act that everything is okay; therefore I need to talk to Jonghyun. I text him to ask if he has time to meet up backstage to talk: We haven’t met since Sunday, when he ignored me at Inkigayo, though we have been at the same recording for Arirang in the week it was more of just come and go for both of us that we didn’t even catch a glimpse of each other. Honestly, I miss him deadly! I couldn’t help but to text him yesterday, asking if he has eaten and while I was worried he wouldn’t answer, it was just the beginning of our conversation. We talked for a few hours when we had the time for it. I am really confused with him. There is no answer for twenty minutes. I wonder if he is chatting away with Zion.T, or maybe he has lost his phone. When the talk about dinner comes I leave my seat in the sofa to sit down on a blanket on the makeup table, my feet on the chair, as I look through the food menu Manager Lee has given me. “Are you taking soup?” I ask Myung as he writes down on the note what he will eat. “Corn dumpling soup, with shrimp,” he answers with a smile. “Ya, stop copying me!” Shiwon calls out while I say it sounds tasty. I laugh as Myung turns around to tell his friend he is not copying him though they decide on the same soup. While they are quarrelling along to Min Hae scolding their married-couple behaviour, I tall my manager I want the same soup as the married couple. “Not you too, Hannah,” Myung gives me a whine over his shoulder, and I laugh. People always call him and Shiwon a married couple or making fun of their friendship, while I tend to not be the one joining those things though I can laugh at it. Maybe it is the first time I have said ‘married couple’ out loud. “With shrimps?” Manager Lee interrupts and most of us in the room laugh out at his seriousness asking that question. “With shrimps, please,” I answer with a laugh. I give a glance on my phone before looking up; biting my lip to try hold back my laughter as Shiwon playfully asks Myung if he has a date for Valentine’s Day. Looking up, I see Jonghyun by the door. Handsome, perfect, absolutely the most gorgeous man alive; I could probably write a book to describe all the things I love about him. My cheeks are burning when he comes inside, naturally and without a big promotion asking Shiwon if he shouldn’t man up and ask Myung confidentially out on a date for Valentine’s Day when everyone knows he wants to. Just with one sentence he has the room in laughter, receiving a high-five from them, while I do my best to hide my cheek with a smile and my eyes down on my phone. It doesn’t surprise me that Jonghyun walks straight over to me while receiving high-fives and joining in for some more jokes before letting others take over and he bumps into the chair I have my legs on, he leans forward at it and I stare at his hands grabbing on to the backrest of the chair. I love his hands. “Talk,” he shortly says, in the most breathtaking tone that makes me blush. He knows me very well, but I do hope he can not see that I am blushing like a maniac playing with fire. With a deep breath I show him my phone. “That was not recently,” Jonghyun explains for me. “It came out this morning,” I answer, looking at him sadly because I am being ripped to pieces as I wonder where this will lead. An article came out this morning, bringing more of a reason to settle this with Jonghyun as the article reads “Jonghyun Says Hannah Boosts His Confidence”. It is from his radio when he had some guests and they were talking when getting in on the subject, Jonghyun even said that I have a lot of cuteness (aegyo). It might have been a few weeks ago, but we had broken up when he said it and it might come more and I am not ready to smile for cameras while my heart is aching. Jonghyun looks at me, and it is that look he gives me; he doesn’t look at me, he looks inside me. It makes my heart flutter, even now. “What do you want to do, Hannah?” he asks me, and the same sadness I have reaches his expression when he asks me that. The light-hearted person who had come inside and joked, who had leaned on my chair, has his shoulders sink with the sadness covering him. “I don’t know,” I whisper, grimacing at him to not let the mood drop too much. “What is there to do? We can’t lie and act like this, my week is horrible because everyone wants to be clever for TV. It is horrible.” “It’s horrible,” he repeats and I pout at the way he says it. He makes it sound like I am horrible. We are close, yet so far away from each other. I want to put my arms around him, touch the back of his neck… “So … we should tell the agency first then,” Jonghyun whispers, looking down at my hands that I have in my lap. Because of the short dress I walk around with a blanket over my legs, now holding my phone tightly in my hands to hold back the urge to touch him, letting my eyes take all of him in instead. “The agency will plan it, I guess.” It feels official if we tell the agency, to have them plan how the lovely Jjong-Han couple has broken up but remained friends and wish for their fans support in the future. It will feel like we have officially broken up then. I don’t like that. Even now I am in denial, because he hasn’t told many people and I have a rare few knowing about it, but I guess it can’t be waited. I imagine how things will be after the official statement, how fans will be crying and articles will come up with reasons and scandals and rumours and whatnot to liven up it all. I imagine how Jonghyun and I will be; will be talk to each other? Will we see each other? He has always been there for me, from the beginning of my career up to now, as a best friend and even as a boyfriend he has been my best friend. We could talk about everything, yet now … it feels like there should be a line between friend and boyfriend. I think we are unaware of where that line goes because my fingers suddenly touch a lock of his hair. His hair is styled well today, and just as I realise what I am doing I also see that he closes his eyes by my light touch. We really do not know where that line is. I want things to go back like it used to be, for us to be friends, for us to know where the line is as we try to hide our real feelings the same way we did before we got together. We have forgotten that time; I know he has the same thoughts. What are we if not a couple? The way we look at each other, the way we compliment each other, the way we make each other feel and the way we boost each other like no one else – if we don’t have that, what are we? I don’t want to talk to SM; I don’t want to tell anyone that we have broken up. I want to lean in and breathe him in like I always got to do, to have him glare at me when I am too naïve and have us compete of showing off who belongs to who backstage for the juniors. “I can talk to the agency tomorrow and set a meeting,” Jonghyun whispers, looking up at me when my hand fall down from his hair. Don’t tell the agency, I want to tell him, but I don’t. “Mm,” I breathe and look down, feeling the lack of energy and my eyes burning by the thought that we might not even manage to be friends once it is official. “Can I still congratulate you when you win today?” Jonghyun asks with a smile in a way to lighten up the mood between us. It makes me smile hearing him joke about how upset he was at Inkigayo that he didn’t even congratulate me, but I think my sad expression is shown in the smile. “I won’t win today,” I sob, remembering that it isn’t [BLAME] that is running up first place on M Countdown; it is [New Me]. It makes me want to cry as I have struggled all week performing my title song all because of the new line, how angry I have been at times and how much I have doubting it. I am alright with [BLAME] because people keep praising it, saying it has a bouncy melody, while with [New Me] I am given comments about other things. I did visit Cultwo Show radio today and they said they liked my hoarse voice in the beginning, and that was the only compliment the song got, I think. All energy is drained out of me by the comment of winning and I bend forward to hide my face in my hands, sobbing. “Hey,” Jonghyun whispers and puts his hand on my back, leaning over the chair to be able to rub his hand. “Are you that tense?” “I’m fine,” I mutter. I breathe in deeply before exhaling to calm myself, and I look back up with a controlled expression, Jonghyun staring at me as if I am breaking down right in front of him. I suddenly remember that he knows about my situation, and I want to cry again over why I told him at all. He has handled it surprisingly well but the look on his face now is the reason I haven’t told him before. “I’m fine.” He never believes me when I say that I am fine. Not now either. But I know people are looking at us since I lowered my head, maybe they think I am breaking apart because of Jonghyun, and I partly am, but I am stressed because of my title song and while everything is going really well I am so upset over the line change in the song and to have people ask “is [New Me] even Hannah’s style?” “Maybe Jonghyun should go back to his room,” Manager Lee says a few meters away and I know the room gets quiet by those words. I look at Jonghyun. “Ji Young Oppa,” I say in a steady voice, my eyes moves from Jonghyun to look at my manager. “Give me your honest answer; do you think [New Me] is a song suited for me?” I don’t want them to think it is Jonghyun making me behave like this, that they need to tell him to leave thinking I want them to. If I wanted Jonghyun to leave, I would tell him to. My question surprises everyone, confirming my suspicion of what they all were thinking. Jonghyun looks calm, turning his head around to look ay my manager. “Wha- What kind of question is that?” Manager Lee asks, he too taken back by my question. “Unless you have an honest answer on my question, don’t in,” I shortly tell him, knowing I am mean by saying that but I do not like that he wants Jonghyun to leave. “Ooooooh…” Shiwon lowly says, just to have someone hit his arm to keep him quiet. Manager Lee doesn’t know anything so he shouldn’t in, yet as soon as I tell him that I feel bad for saying it. I know I am moody with my manager and it is a wonder he hasn’t gone to the agency asking for a transfer. Jonghyun mumbles that I might’ve gone a bit too far with that, but he only mumbles it once the room is filled with voices again. He stays for awhile, we don’t really say much but when he leaves I wonder if we really are an ended chapter now. Jonghyun leaves and I stay spacing out in my room, unable to catch a grasp of how people are viewing [New Me]. Is it a good song or is it not? Is Puzzle doing something impossible by making it stand up for first place on Mnet today, are my fans giving all their might for this? Nothing is impossible, which is why I don’t know if I want my song to reach first place; if I don’t deserve it, I don’t want it. Even the delicious dinner can’t bring a true smile to my face. Which makes it harder once M Countdown begins and my mind can’t shake my bad thoughts away; what if [New Me] actually comes on first place this week? Either way, I have a performance to complete before my mind can get eaten up by that thought. We warm up our bodies, voices and minds before heading to the stage. I have my own microphone, I like that, and when it is our turn up on stage I take a deep breath as we run up to take our place. The crowd cheers as we get up on the stage but since it is a brief introduction before my stage will begin we are taking our positions without saying anything to the crowd and then we are on live. There is nothing else but this right now; I think that is the spell of the stage. When the cameras are on me and the music begins, I am a new me – the performer, Hannah – and I only think of this moment right now. I follow the cameras, I stay present and alert, I move my body as we have practiced, I sing the best I can and the audience is cheering along. I love performing, whatever doubts and hesitations I have before and after, the moment I am performing I love it. The song comes to an end and as soon as the cameras turn red for the live air to broadcast something else, I bow politely to the audience before heading off the stage as 4 Minute’s comeback stage is left. I bow when we pass each other. I am not on very good terms with the members of 4 Minute, though back in the time Hyuna was incredibly close to all of my members. Because of Gayoon and me fighting in the past it is just awareness of each other now. I smile at Hyuna who smiles at me when we pass each other, and that is it. Waiting backstage for the final minutes before heading up on stage I find myself pouting as I watch 4 Minute’s comeback stage, a staff member has been ready to give me some water but I didn’t want any. My thoughts have gone back to my song, to running up for first place on the music chart, on the amount o