He never showed. I did my first solo concert in Seoul, I had every person I want there, every single person – but not him. He never came, he never texted, it was as if he didn’t care about me. Is that where we are now? No words, no looks, no care in the world for each other? My concert has ended, I have cried and hugged my friends, I have talked to my fans, and according to my crew I am now at home, sleeping in peace for day two of my concert in Seoul. I am not sleeping and I am not in bed, I am not even at home. My mind is too awake to sleep that I ended up sneaking Milo out on a walk. Seoul is dark in the night, our neighbourhood is black beside from the streetlamps and the air is chill without the day sun warming it up. The night air is always calming and chill, it is the best time to take a walk and Milo seems to enjoy the time outside as well. I enjoy the night air as much as I enjoy walking, and while walking I have been listening to the midnight radio Blue Night – listening to Jonghyun’s voice. His radio has ended now and the silence around me is heard clearer when I turn off the radio. My own footsteps are head on the asphalt and Milo’s happy walk moves and stops for each time he wants to sniff on something. I walk around for a while before starting to head home. I do need some sleep. Right now I don’t feel like I will do well on Sunday’s schedule I have awaiting, but I know that once I am in makeup and facing my fans, I will be ready. But right now, I am tired and in a bad mood, my thoughts are going back and forth and the main source of my mood is the one who never showed up at my concert. A lot of friends regretted not going to the concert in Busan, I have heard countless of people saying they wished they were there, but because the concert was in Busan and my friends are busy friends, they couldn’t go. That’s why so many showed up for this concert – but he didn’t, even when he didn’t have any other schedule at that time. I don’t mind him not going, I understand it even, but not a single message? That’s what I don’t understand. I squat down at the side of the neighbourhood street, not wanting to go sleep just yet. Milo turns around when noticing me squat down and I give him a pout as I raise my hand; the dog waves his tail when walking back to me, sniffing my hand. “You’re not tired, right, Milo?” I ask him in a low voice, patting his neck and head. “You don’t mind being outside a little bit longer?” A car appears on the street, driving slowly as it is a sleeping neighbourhood but with the lights of the car reaching me I stand up to keep walking with Milo. The car slows down a bit more, driving towards me but not straight towards me, of course, since I am walking on the side. I keep my head down and I pull on the hood of my jacket to cover myself. With still some distance between me and the car, the car stops and the engine is turned off. I would want to turn around and walk the other way, you never know who is in the car; a stranger living nearby, a stranger recognizing me, a stranger who is a freak, a stranger who is lost… I give the car a glance when the driver’s door is opened, I hope it is a neighbour who won’t ask me anything or talk to me but is just heading home. The person who steps out of the car is wearing a cap backwards, light brown hair… Even in the dark I recognize him and my feet stop moving. “What are you doing here?” I ask in such a surprised tone that I am surprised myself. There is a dislike in my tone too and I realise I don’t want to see him. He didn’t come to the concert and he didn’t text me; I am upset at him. Even Minho came! “I wanted to talk,” Jonghyun says as he closes the car door behind him. “I don’t want to talk to you,” I mutter and keep walking, pouting like a child. Whatever I say it’s not like I can walk away from Jonghyun; he walks with me, keeping a small distance but in the night air I can still breathe in his cologne. I give him a glare. It is the same cologne I once bought to him; he keeps buying it anew. I wonder why. As handsome as always yet his face-expression seems as gloomy and tired as mine, he puts his hands in his pockets and look at the ground as we walk. I wonder if I could go home and lock him out. “I heard the concert was a success,” Jonghyun starts to say after some silence. The glare I give him this time makes him take a step away from me. He has no right to talk about the concert when he didn’t show up to it. “You’re mad.” “I’m not mad!” I burst out at his conclusion; I turn to face him with a glare. “I’m deeply upset and I have all rights to be. I-” Wait, why am I upset at him? Does he have to go on my concert or even text me? We’re not together; the whole world knows that now. “Leave me alone, Jonghyun,” I mutter. I should hurry home and lock him out; or lock me in. “I was told not to go to the concert, Hannah, you should know that,” he tells me, following me. “I wanted to go.” “I don’t care.” He sighs behind me. “Well, I care.” “No, you don’t,” I mutter. I am mad at him; he hasn’t texted me at all, he shows no interest in me and out of the blue he shows up on the street like this. We’re not together, as soon as his promotions ended he stopped talking to me as if the past years have vanished from his heart and then he got the nerve to say he care, of course I am mad at him! I love him, he is the only one I can say it to directly and I don’t think that will change, not yet in a while, but for him … has he already moved on? “The reason I came was to tell you that I do care, I have wanted to talk to you but I can’t find what words to say – I ended up not saying anything at all. Our breakup is out in the open for everyone to know; I don’t know… it’s just…” “Jonghyun,” I interrupt him when he can’t seem to find more words, and I look at him. I love looking at him; I want to keep looking at him. “If you had nothing to say, you shouldn’t force it.” “It’s not like that.” “I don’t care what it’s like, Jonghyun,” I breathe. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even want to see you.” After the words have left me it’s like I am the one holding the knife I feel ing through my chest. I don’t know what I expected after saying those words; to have him leave me alone perhaps, but Jonghyun just looks at me. His face doesn’t change, as if he is just watching me. It makes me confused. Does he not get upset at my words? I would have left if someone said that to me, wouldn’t I? “Do you mean that?” he asks. Milo pulls in the leash as he wants to keep walking. I don’t remember when we stopped, and I almost drop the leash at Jonghyun’s question. Do I really mean the words I said? That I don’t want to talk to him or even see him, while I an hour ago was listening to his voice on the radio? I realise he knows me too well. I clear my throat and look away from Jonghyun, to look at Milo instead. I don’t know what to answer that question. “Can I come tomorrow?” Jonghyun asks in a low voice. “To your concert, I mean.” “No.” I don’t even think before I answer. “I’m filming for the concert DVD tomorrow.” I give him a glare as I remember something else. “Taemin said you’ll be in Japan tomorrow.” He gapes as he remembers it, and while I thought he wanted to give me an empty promise, instead he seems to have forgotten it. “I don’t get you,” I blurt out the words as they are formed in my head. “You don’t get me?” he asks and a small smile shapes his lips, “You’re…” His smile grows and he takes a step closer, lifting his hand up. I just stare at him as his hand gets closer to my face, and once his skin touches mine I close my eyes. His touch is warm. “I don’t get you, Hannah, the dream you live in… I don’t know how far it’ll take you.” There it is again. He always talks so strangely. I like it, but I don’t understand it. I frown at him, ‘the dream I live in’. My frown grows as I open my eyes to look at him again. “The dream I live in,” I repeat for him, “I said that at my concert.” His smile grows into a wonderful smile. “Your words are engraved into your fans hearts, meaning your fans repeat them on the internet to say how moved they were.” I don’t get him, I really don’t. “I’m going home,” I whisper. I remove his hand to keep walking but he holds on to my fingers, not letting me go. “Wait,” Jonghyun says, holding on to my fingers tightly to make sure I don’t walk away. “I’m sorry for not going to your concert.” With a sigh I turn to look at him again. I do want to hold on to him, hug him and put my hands on his face as I study him, but instead I look tiredly at Jonghyun, as if I really don’t care. “I never asked you to come, so it doesn’t matter that you didn’t come.”’ Jonghyun closes his eyes with a grimace as if he is in pain, just for a few seconds before looking at me again. “I wanted to go.” “But you didn’t go,” I sigh and stare at him. “Don’t act like that now when you haven’t spoken to me since your promotions ended-” “You haven’t spoken to me either,” he interrupts me to point out. “You have been sick and you have been tired and not once have you confined me with that, you haven’t told me anything of how the rehearsals for the concert went and you haven’t contacted me to say how excited you are for it so don’t try to make me feel bad for not contacting you either.” “Why did you come here, Jonghyun?” I ask him in a serious tone. He looks away from me at my question, just briefly. “I don’t know.” I open my mouth to say that isn’t an answer when he continues; “I got in the car after work and I found myself outside your house,” Jonghyun tells me. The look in his eyes are sad, I don’t know what it is, he is making me confused again. “I know… I know it’s stupid, it’s just … …” “Why did you come?” I repeat. I don’t know what I want him to say and I’m not sure if I know what he has said. He means he just drove to my house without thinking of it? What does that even mean? “Why did you get mad when you saw me?” he asks me back. His eyes reflect mine now. He hadn’t contacted me but I hadn’t contacted him either, he came to see me and I got mad at him – it’s the same. He hasn’t gotten over me. The silence grows between us. I don’t dare to say anything, not trusting what words might come out of me and Milo is pulling lightly in the leash again while Jonghyun holds on to my eyes with his. Why did he come here tonight? Just to say he is sorry he wasn’t allowed to go to my concert? Did he just want to see me? Or is there another reason he is in front of me now? “Why did you get mad when you saw me, if you do not care?” Jonghyun asks me again. “What are you doing?” I ask, in lack of what to say. “I came to see you,” he answers. He sounds angry. “I don’t lie to you, Hannah-” “No, instead you break up with me and approach me whenever you feel like it,” I snap back. “Why do you do that? You come and you go, you leave me and then you come back and it’s not fair that you decide when you want to see me you go see me and I don’t get a say in it!” “Then say when you want to see me and I’ll come,” Jonghyun tells me. “No,” I say like a child and I take a quick step away from him so he can’t stop me when I start walking again. Milo gets excited to keep going. “Hannah,” Jonghyun sighs after me. Where does he want to go with this? “Drive home safely, Jonghyun,” I tell him in a loud voice so he can hear me. My steps are short but fast and Milo is all excited seeing the rush in my movement. “I didn’t mean anything with it, Hannah,” he sighs and continues to walk after me. “Could you stop for a minute?” “Why?” “Because I ask you to?” The voice he uses makes me stop and I close my eyes and take a deep breath without turning to face him, calming myself and hoping he won’t step up in front of me. He doesn’t step up in front of me. Instead his arms are carefully wrapped around me from behind and his head is put next to mine. I should push him away, I think of pushing him away, but his warm embrace is too comfortable to do so and instead I find myself relax – just like that. “I came to see you,” Jonghyun whispers next to me, “To talk to you and to look at you. I thought you wanted to see me too, so I came, and tomorrow I will go to Japan and I wanted to see you before then… I haven’t meant to hurt you, I-” “Stop talking, please stop,” I mumble. I sigh and lean my head back against his shoulder, the same way I have done for a few years. Then I lean away from him. “Goodnight, Hannah,” he whispers before I walk away from him. What did we just do? What did we just say? Why do I miss his embrace? I always get so many questions with Jonghyun I look behind me to see if he has left, I consider going back to him and give him a real hug, to hold on to him a little bit more because I miss him, but when I look behind me he has already reached his car and I decide to not give in to what I want to do. Milo looks where I go when we come home before he heads inside Emelia’s bedroom to sleep. I go to bed too, but I don’t fall asleep. I got way too much in my head keeping me awake. Day two of my concert will be today, we will film for the concert DVD so I am nervous; at the meeting we had after the concert last night, I was directed to the good and bad of how I did so I got a lot of things to concentrate for the concert. On Monday we are heading abroad to film the music video for our international album, that is crazy and it is insane and I am not prepared for it. I can’t even remember when we practiced for the song, though when I hear the song we will film for I know the choreography. My schedules are tight as always but Jonghyun is the source to why I can’t sleep this night. Over and over I tell myself that I will grow to hate his behaviour, just to whine k