That evening I am smiling towards Kyung Ho during dinner and when we are watching a movie. Maria keeps her eyes on me but is her own self, only once asking if I’m okay. I tell her we can talk later. I don’t want to talk around the cameras, or around Kyung Ho. Maria falls asleep in the sofa like usually, Yong Hyun leaves for an hour to go to the other house in search for tea and he comes back with two ladies wanting to see the rest of the movie with us. It is school for Kyung Ho tomorrow, Monday, so he can’t stay up for long. He will go home tomorrow as well, so Emelia and I help him pack while he is getting ready for bed. Yong Hyun comes upstairs to give him a forehead kiss goodnight and he walk downstairs with Emelia while I sit down at the end of Kyung Ho’s bed for him to lie down. “Nuna…” Kyung Ho mumbles, grimacing a bit when looking at his desk, away from me, but then glances at me as he removes the quilt to lie down. “Yes?” He sits down tailor on the bed, facing me, and his face expression tells me something is not okay. “What’s wrong?” he asks. The one question makes me smile. I am too aware of the cameras, but I know from experience that hiding something he has taken notice of only makes him upset, so I cup his face in my hands and smiles at the cute little brother I have. “I got a call from my sister,” I tell him in the lowest voice I can use, maybe hoping the audio won’t catch it but his ears will. I remove a lock of his hair from the centre of his forehead to the side, and I put down my hands to give him a sadder smile. “She told me that my grandfather has passed away.” His lower lip shakes when his eyes get teary and I smile at him again. “It’s okay,” I whisper to him. “He was sick for a long time, I’m sure he is in a better place now.” He is ten years old, a child. But he is mature for his age and I know he can handle the death of my grandparent. Either way, he gives me a hug. I don’t cry. I don’t know how I can handle that, I am not even holding back the tears now; there aren’t any tears coming though I hear him sob on my shoulder. “Kyung Ho, it’s okay,” I whisper to him. “Death is never okay,” he sobs, “You love him, don’t you?” I laugh quietly at his words. “I do,” I admit, and I know I will have to comfort him now more than he has to comfort me. “But you know what; my grandfather lived a full life filled with family and hobbies, and I’m sure he is happy in heaven with my grandmother now.” “You think so?” Kyung Ho asks with a hopeful voice. “I do think so,” I say again but with a nod this time, and I pat his back. “Then they are happy together in heaven?” he mumbles. “Yes, they are.” If I know my family right, my grandparents are probably fighting wherever they are in the life after this. A part of me wants them to be happy in heaven, that dying has made them loose all regrets and sorrows and anger. I don’t know if it is Kyung Ho or me I try to convince, but when he has calmed down I stay in his room singing this Swedish lullaby that my mother used to sing for me. He isn’t that much of a child that he falls asleep to it, but he has heard it before and lies there listening to it. “Again,” he whispers when I am quiet for a few seconds. “You need to sleep,” I answer. “Please?” Kyung Ho rolls around to look at me in the dark bedroom. “I like it.” I only know one verse of the lullaby; I repeat it anew a few times again before I pat him on the arm and tell him to get some sleep. My mother used to sing it a lot when I grew up, and out of that habit I have spent times singing it to Kyung Ho every since our time at the hospital. My voice was weak at the hospital, I was told not to sing, but I sang the lullaby for him when he couldn’t sleep at times. He sleeps much better now; he is a lot healthier and happier now. I have known Kyung Ho for four years, the end of 2010 to the start of 2015. Against all odds we both survived death, and here we are now; siblings with different ethnics filming a reality show about our lives. When I leave his bedroom it feels like I am leaving my responsibility on his side of the door, as if I don’t have to be an older sister on my side. I tear up and head downstairs while biting the inside of my cheek. Carolina is eating snacks, Yong Hyun is cheerfully talking in a low voice, and the movie is loud in a big action scene that Emelia is completely focused on. Only when I round the sofa do I see Julia sit on the floor playing lightly with Milo, and I see Maria sit up – the only one looking at me. As soon as our eyes meet does she holds out her arms and I sit down next to her for a hug, hiding my face from cameras and friends. I need a hug, but I don’t cry. “Let’s get some chocolate and re-watch the movie, because I missed most of it,” Maria tells me. “Do you want chocolate?” I nod. I always want chocolate. “Go get some,” Maria tells me. I chuckle and she laughs, saying she is kidding as she gets up to go get chocolate. As she leaves, Emelia points out her foot at me. “Do you want to see Carolina’s imitation of Iron Man?” she asks me. “No one wants to see it,” Maria answers from the kitchen, within seconds coming back with chocolate. “I want to see the real Iron Man from the movie. Play it. Which flavour do you want, baby? I want this one.” One hug from Maria is alright for now. I enjoy watching the movie with the others. We see through half of it before going to bed though. In bed I text Jonghyun. I don’t even think about it, all I know is that I go to bed and I tell him about my day. That my sister is coming over and that my grandfather died this weekend. Not even when he writes back do I think that we have broken up, I just want to talk to him about it. Julia and Carolina must have it nice. The cameras are only in this house, leaving their house next to camera-free. On the show no one of us explains the house or how we live, that there are two houses and now one. I wonder if fans will notice that two of the members don’t wake up in the house. ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ After sending Kyung Ho to school I go home, pack the last of my bag for a one-night stay in Japan while also saying goodbye to the SBS staff packing their things as the filming has ended this morning. I am in a pair of black skinny jeans in a more leather pants material, a black t-shirt with the front tugged in just a bit. I feel good in black, comfortable. In a winter jacket and scarf I hide myself under the hood when we go to the airport, a simple backpack has what I need on my back. Today and tomorrow we will be in Japan recording new music for a new project; probably a future album. All five of us are going together and Maria tells me at the airport to just let it all out during this trip before my sister will arrive on Wednesday. Jen sent us the information of the flight a few hours after the call, which we responded to this morning. I changed a few things though, leaving a message to my sister for her to get the first class ticket. Since I’m paying, I might just as well use my money well – it’s not like I use them better on my self. It was in the van that we told Julia and Carolina about it; I said that my sister will come over for a few days while letting Maria tell them that my grandfather has passed away. I can’t say that out loud, that he is dead. “We’re going to the studio, right, away,” Julia tiredly says next to me when we are leaving the airport outside Tokyo. “You make it sound like the worst thing ever,” I smile at her. “Well…” Julia starts to say and then grimaces, making me laugh. “Yeah, it’s not a bad thing. We haven’t recorded in Japan in a while though, have we?” “It’s been some time,” I guess and nod at her. “Okay, so it will be exciting,” Julia admits since I had pointed out on her tone, “And my Japanese needs some improvement.” “Carolina said you could study with her on the plane,” I tease and she starts laughing while I glance behind us to see where Carolina is. Maria looks questioning at us as she is walking right behind us, but I just give her a smile and turn back to look where I’m going. Julia is smiling at me, and not until we step outside do I know why; Carolina has been walking in front of us the whole time, not behind us where I looked for her. A van picks us up to go straight to the recording studio where we quickly get into working on a new Japanese song. Today and tomorrow we will record three songs; today we are starting the recording of a song called [Close My Eyes], we go through it as soon as we have done the introductions in the studio and it’s straight to work. I love to work when I have things on my mind that I don’t want to deal with just yet. And that is what we do the whole day. We work. We work and work, we complete the first song in the evening and start going through the two songs we will record tomorrow. [The Falling Snow] and [Pieces’ Invasion] are songs we have in another language already so the lyrics has been made in Japanese, so we know the songs, we just have to learn them in Japanese. I think that’s harder than recording a completely new song, mostly because you are already used at singing the song in one way and suddenly you will do it in a completely different way: Which is why it takes longer time in the evening when going through the songs. It sounds weird learning [The Falling Snow] in Japanese after singing it in Korean a month ago, but that’s why we are going through it; to not have it sound weird tomorrow when we will record it. The first day in Japan ends with a business dinner, to meet with some people from the agency, mostly to just show ourselves and be polite idols. It’s actually fun because the five of us are in our own world after a while and we are just chatting while eating sushi and other deliciousness of the restaurant. I have fun letting loose with my members, knowing I can space out if I want. We laugh a lot. {Instagram, 5P_HANNAH: Sushi time with the ladies ^^,} Emelia took the picture of us sitting by the table, we took several pictures to make sure all five of us were seen and in the one I upload you can see Julia gaping up for the sushi I hold up over the table with the chopsticks for her, Carolina on Julia’s right side is almost standing up to lean over the table and be visible while Maria on my side, in front of Carolina, is holding up her hands in the air and it is visible that she is chewing. Emelia, as the one holding the camera, looks pale even in the bad light. Seconds after the picture has been uploaded I receive questions on the comment section of fans asking where we are, asking if we are having fun, saying its great to see us together, telling us to have fun and so on, but I think most of them comments about 5 Pieces being 5 Pieces in our free time too. That’s funny because we are half-half working, but its right that we are close friends even if we’re not working. After finishing the dinner we go to the hotel to sleep. It is strange how I haven’t cried yet. Each time I think of my grandfather or my family (which is constantly at the back of my mind), I realise I am not crying. I cried so hard when I found my grandmother’s grave, I got insane, while now I haven’t shed a tear. It worries me that the wall I have built up between me and my family now will break down completely once I see my sister, so I must keep holding it in until she leaves. Sleeping isn’t a difficulty either. I think I have shut