stay with me, this time

It was at a dance practice room of her company, wrapped in mirror wall the room was too big and too empty. Nobody was here but her for how long no one knew.

She was always here whenever she’s broken. It made me wonder, why. I never asked though. My attention used to focus on her, not the room. It was just now, the curiosity came.

Silently I sat next to her, and it’s like by nature she slowly leaned on me, coming close. I betted she found me cold. I wasn’t sure whether it’s good or not. I ran here, but it seemed nothing to the cold weather outside. Her head rested on my shoulder, seemingly too weak to argue over my cold skin. Through the mirror wall in front of us I could see she’s closing her eyes. I smiled thinly.

She might be broken right now, and I might have taken advantage of it, but it was always nice to be the only one she could lean on. That’s why I smiled, it became something natural for me. And I did realize it.

Her breath now sounded so close, too close for good. It always sounded like a melody for me, the nice one. The way she breathed changed already, I could feel it. She’s loosened. And nothing could explain how grateful I was for that.

Her tears had stopped. That’s why, my smile lingered even longer.

She now nudged my arm, hugging it as her breath taking control of my head.

“You always smell good,” she quietly spoke. And I could hear it clearly.

Wait. Was this … a kind of confession? I didn’t know she remembered my scent that way that I almost took the meaning differently. It was new to me. And I swore that my heart beat in a different rhythm just now, it’s getting faster. And … I liked it.

Silence enveloped us by then. I wasn’t planning to demand an explanation over her small statement. It was nice enough, and I just swallowed it as the way it sounded, didn’t want to take any risk. Right. It seemed right to just keep it vague just like how she let me know it just today.

Looking up, the mirror showed me how we looked almost the same every time she cried over a guy. Here, in the same position, unless the first time. She didn’t lean on me that day. I remembered, she cried while hugging her knees while I only sat, doing nothing but listening to her sob. She didn’t talk and I remained silent. She looked vulnerable, and it was probably the worst.

She was preparing for her debut. Being a trainee, she was charmed by a new idol from other company. Cliché. They were both young, too excited over the new feeling they discovered for each meet up. Eunji though, being a naïve girl with full heart, misunderstood their closeness. She named her and that guy special while he didn’t plan to bring it to that level.

It was her fault though, I believed. She shouldn’t have trusted a stranger no matter how trustworthy he seemed like. She should have had a good note over new stuff here, especially in entertainment industry. I wouldn’t blame the guy if he turned to be a total jerk. Again, it was her fault, I still believed.

I understood that she was simply flattered over the new gesture she found from an opposite gender. He was a man with a good look anyway, and he seemed really kind. He debuted a year after me, a main vocal just like me, a leader of his group. Seeing him several times at some music shows I found he did seem kind. Actually, it was never clear to me how they met, what they shared, she didn’t tell, but her eyes couldn’t fool me, she fell for him. And it was that day, I found myself broken for the first time. Just like her.

It was her eyes that broke my heart. That pair of orbs was like telling me to wake up, to discover my own feeling for her. She might not notice that, but her gaze was like building a big wall between us. And it was painful. Maybe that’s also the reason why I didn’t do anything but to remain silent. Strangely enough though, she found my silence comforting her.

Eunji was always special for me since the first time I met her. She laughed a lot. She’s nice. And more than that, she had a certain why of smiling and it felt so warm somehow. I liked it. Yet I never took it seriously until that certain day, when she looked at my eyes, hurt, and asking me, in a sore voice, whether I willing to stay next to her.

And I tried to stay away from her instead, after that day. I was afraid that it might be hard to handle my own feeling. I didn’t want to be drawn by her, or simply by anyone. I didn’t consider dating to be necessary at that time, I needed to focus on my career. But then she came when I was sick, taking care of me when everybody was too busy to even notice I had a fever. Then she bought me a small present for our music show win, she bought everyone, but still, it was one of the precious days in my life, I didn’t expect someone would do such thing for me, for my group. I couldn’t lie, I was drawn by her.

I wasn’t sure since when, maybe since that night, she never left me alone. She started following me here and there. Keeping me busy with her company. And slowly it was just natural for us to be seen together.

Then one day, I received her call and it was the second time I found her crying for a guy. She asked me whether I could see her at that certain practice room. I couldn’t actually. I was in the middle of a meeting, discussing a duet project with a fellow artist. However, she was crying and I could clearly hear that. I just couldn’t ditch that fact and tell her to wait. Hence, for the first time in my professional life, I excused myself from a meeting, making up a reason and lying.

Again, I ran. I didn’t know why I did that. My head seemed numb just for thinking the way she cried.

When I found her, she chuckled lightly between her tears. Looking up at me she said, I was right. Again she was fooled over someone’s kindness.

Leaning on my shoulder, like right now, she told me he was so kind, so gentle. He had been like that for almost three months. But when she confessed her feeling that guy didn’t say anything but sorry. She continued, “Suho-ssi looked uncomfortable with my confession, Oppa. I made a mistake. He was so kind that he didn’t know what he should do… too bad that kind guy doesn’t like me.”

I tried to not shout at her, telling her to wake up and