fool

He’s a total fool, I would say.

Having a date in cloudy day, Jieun and I spend time together inside this cozy café. I promise her a meet-up after the wrap of my latest drama. She’s been nagging quite often recently for the group pictures of me and some drama casts I posted. And today, finally we can meet and share things we haven’t done in quite long time.

I wasn’t next to her when her relationship issue was revealed. And I felt really bad for her. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know she’s dating someone, I know of course. It’s sad, I can definitely imagine her feeling that moment when the world seems to against her. It always sounds unfair when we’re caught dating another celebrity and the world start judging our relationship. I feel really bad for my friend. Thankfully, there are still many supportive feedbacks.

 I know there will be some people who against our decision whatever it is, but there are also some who will stand by our side. There will always be them who understand us. But wait, why I’m talking about this by the way?

Ah, right. Jieun just asked me, “what will you do if you were me that time, Ji?”

I take a deep breath for a second before avoiding her eyes, staring at the glass window. “I don’t know.”

“I was like that too before,” she replied. I look at her again and I see a thin smile on her lips. “I thought, well, at least it doesn’t happen now. Let’s just think when it really happens. And then suddenly, bam! The news’s everywhere.”

She giggled, though it was a bit saddening. And feeling affected, I send my weak giggle too.

“Aigoo, it must be really hard, right?” I bend to her, offering a pat on her head, “uri Jieun has done well,” continued me. There, her giggle continued too.

“Now you, seriously, what will you do Ji?”

“Um … maybe I will just copy what you did before,” a wide smile forms through my lips, “the way you handle that situation is quite inspiring. I think being honest is the best solution.”

It’s raining outside by now as we’re immersed to the conversation. It’s really nice. Talking to Jieun after so long, I learn that this girl has really grown up. She’s getting mature, not just by appearance but also by how she act.

“By the way, how’s Doojoon oppa?” her mood changes in a mere of second. I can see she’s getting excited over the name she spills, “is it progressing well?” she now cups her cheeks, seemingly expecting a good reaction from me.

But I can’t really help, my energy seems like running away.

“Don’t even mention his name,” I said, sighing after.

“What? Why?”

Her smile fades and so does mine.

“I know he’s oblivious. And I certainly know I have to be bolder. But seriously, he’s getting too frustrating…aah!”

“Don’t sigh, tell me, bae!”

Him, Yoon Doojoon is my biggest recent problem. In which everything in my life seems perfect, he gives me such painful headache. Not only Jieun, almost all members of my group and his group know I have this certain feeling for him. Damn it, I like him, and it’s been years. And he’s still the one who learns nothing.

I have sent so many hints, yet it fails miserably. Oh no, don’t think I haven’t tried to confess. It’s twice, I can recall clearly. The first one was last year. After finishing one of my individual schedules he picked me up from the site. The reason? Heck, I really hated him when I recalled it.

“I’m so hungry, Ji … but no one wants to go with me,” he said when we’re inside his car already.

I frowned, couldn’t understand his statement completely. I thought he thought me differently. It’s really depressing when I learned his true intention. He was truly bored that day and no one was around to play with him. It turned that I was like an always promising option, because yes, I would never decline his invitation. Blame this stupid feeling I had for him.

Being happy yet frustrated at the same time, I couldn’t stop myself and just said, “do you know how frustrating it is when you like someone but he’s too oblivious?” that, those words came out right following his sentence. I didn’t expect I would be straight-forward and spill my disappointment in that manner.

However, damn it, Yoon Doojoo, the most clueless guy on Earth, replied, “that’s , Ji! Don’t ever fall for that kind of guy!”

I wished I could just punch him that moment.

And what even saddening was he had his usual concerned expression, as if it’s a big deal if I was hurt by that kind of guy. He didn’t even think that he was that kind of guy.

After that, I decided to just slip this and try to have fun with him. Well, I was always weak each time he’s just next to me anyway. And to my loss, I had really had fun with him. We didn’t just have dinner, we even visited an empty play ground and spent more time together there. We laughed, so loosened that I didn’t realize I wasn’t that happy at the beginning.

The second time was not long ago. I think it’s around our comeback time. This year we had several overlap schedules thanks to our management. And because of that we spent many occasion together, some along with the members, and some just the two of us.

People always wonder what were us, actually. Because truth to be told, it wasn’t just once or twice we hang out together. Note this, he even brought me to his apartment, and it was definitely not only once or twice. And as I desperately want to answer that wonder too, the sad side is I can’t. I don’t know what we are.

So, one day, in which he was sitting next to me, telling me how tired he was for the whole packaged schedule, he leaned on my shoulder comfortably. It was too sudden that I froze for a couple of seconds. I though thought positively after, maybe he felt truly comfortable with me. It was surely a good note. And I appreciated it. There was no way I wasn’t flattered.

There then, a sudden courage greeted me, and pushed me to speak, to tell my true feeling. And I did, really. It wasn’t loud, my voice, I knew, but I believe it’s enough to be heard by him. He was just next to me anyway. I told him that I like him, that I always do.

Sigh.

“And he fell asleep, right?” Jieun said, inviting my gaze.

“Oh, he left me looking super stupid. I wish I can just forget that moment. It’s so embarrassing.”

“It’s just the timing. At least you’ve tried, Ji,” she smiles, looking optimistic. “So, are you planning to confess again?”

“I was, actually.”

“Was?”

I nod lightly before sighing again. “Seriously, he’s so frustrating.”

“Wae? Mwo? What is it again?”

“He called me yesterday … to have meal with him … and later I knew it was at a quite fancy restaurant … damn it, he even told me to dress prettily.”

“… And?”

“And I did. You know I don’t really feel comfortable with dress. But I did. I did for him … but …”

“… But?”

Heaving deep, I brush my face through my palms. Remembering what happened last night is quite depressing. He isn’t just frustrating, I don’t know what inside his head, but it’s tiring me.

“He wasn’t there …”

“What?”

“And you know what?!” the frustration is now consuming me, I just press my tone, getting angry, “there was Sunggyu oppa there!”

“What?!” Jieun is surprised. And her expression is totally alike to mine last night. “You mean, Kim Sunggyu? From Infinite?”

I nod, “I seriously had no idea last night. In which I thought he finally made a move, turn to be he’s setting me up with Sunggyu oppa. That’s freaking embarrassing!”

“What?!”

“I cannot believe it.” Recalling all of this has invited dizziness into my head. “When I called him and asked what’s going on, he only laughed and said, ‘thank me later, Ji!’” I take another deep heave, “Jieun-ah, why he’s so oblivious?!”

“I still don’t get it.”

Another sigh.

I don’t get it either actually. After Sunggyu oppa and I wrapped the date, I called him again. I was so pissed. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the meal, don’t misunderstand, we really had a good time, we talked, laughed, and did some stupid joke. But it just wasn’t right, for both Sunggyu oppa and I. And that Yoon Doojoon, seriously, I could recall his confused voice.

“Wait, I thought you have a crush on him,” he said on the call.

“Who says?!” yes, my voice was a bit higher.

I could tell he was startled, he’s stuttering after. Plus, his answer was ridiculous. He said, “Didn’t you say it on that program we did together?”

But, but … it was like 3 years ago!! I yelled. Yes I did, and I cut the call right after. Now I need to question myself why on earth I have fallen for this guy. Ugh… But he’s so nice, most of the time. He’s gentle,