cold november

“What with that smile?” I frowned, obviously couldn’t grasp the reason behind that somehow scary thin line on her face.

I could sense she was hiding something big with it. Yes, that thin smile was a rare thing for her. She mostly had wide smile, or big laugh, something obviously shown, not thinly and mysteriously like that kind of curl. She seemed happy, no, she was utterly happy but it could be something crazy. She was happily crazy for something, I guessed.

“What with my smile?” she shot me back. I scoffed fast.

“It’s scaring me, Ji” I said before I slid my spoon inside my mouth, filling it with big cut of cheesecake.

“I am?” and she chuckled, so lovely. My smile instantly formed.

“Seungie-ya, I’m two month pregnant”

Did you ever see lighting right in front of your eyes? I did, just a second ago. Did you ever stop your nose to breath like a human being? I did, just now. Did you ever hear high octave voice that could hurt your ears? I did, I just did it.

And it invited all the eyes in this café, I could sense it not that I cared for it. Eunji seemed more panic than me, she hushed me, closing my mouth with her hand while her eyes apologetically looking at her surroundings. And I still didn’t care. I shove her hand away.

“And you smile for it?!”

She eventually glared at me, sensing my anger, I sensed her anger, “it’s something worth my smile,” she said defensively.

“Are you gaming on something?”

She frowned now, “I know, telling you is a big mistake.” She said then sipping her water, “I should just keep it for myself.”

And I understood now, it was the reason why she refused her favorite espresso yesterday, also this morning, and damn, now too. I knew it, I knew it might be something ridiculously crazy if she skipped her daily favorite drink. She loved coffee more than anyone else in my life, I completely aware that dark and bitter thing could easily satisfy her need. She never skipped it even for one breakfast or lunch or dinner, see, it was something crazy.

“Stop looking at me like that! I was stupid wishing you were happy,” she ignored my eyes for the glass wall next to us.

“Seriously, Jung Eunji! Are you expecting me to be happy?!”

I still couldn’t understand this girl. Ever since I knew her, Jung Eunji was always unpredictably amazing. New thing, weird intention, crazy idea, stupid reason was always on her side. Yet she never saw it as odd things. This moment she proved me another insane reason to doubt her sanity.

She glared at me again, feeling the bare hurt, urgh, I hated myself for causing it yet I wouldn’t change my mind. “How I am supposed to be happy, you have something inside your womb, while you don’t have a husband, not even a boyfriend. Seriously, I never understand you! Have you told the father? Who is it? Sunggyu? No, you’ve been broken up to him long ago! Jiho hyung? Damn! Are you still contacting that guy?!” I groaned once again, closing my face with my palm, feeling extremely desperate. Then I remembered her last boyfriend, it was that foreigner, the Chinese-Canadian foreigner. “Yifan?” I looked at her, eyes wide open.

“You really cute when you’re panic, you should know that Seungie-ya”

Yes it was him. I could see the pain on her eyes. It seemed so unbearable, so cold, as cold as November. Yes, this month was too cold for us, that I felt it suffocated me. It conveyed her feeling so clear that it could easily hurt me.

“Have you told him?”

She ignored me again, her eyes trailed the empty-after-raining road outside the glass wall.

“What about your parent, have you told them?”

“They will be as happy as me,” her thin smile formed again, I could see it. Yet I doubted her words. She then glanced at me to mutter. “not like someone”

I sighed out loud, intentionally showing her my desperation, “so what your plan now?” it wasn’t that I gave in, no, I didn’t.

“I don’t know,” she said calmly, smiling at me, as if, urgh! I felt so dumb right now. Talking to this girl required so much energy. I couldn’t stand this girl ignorance!

But I forced myself to shut close my mouth. I ignored her eyes, I lost my appetite, that cheesecake wasn’t helping me at all. We let silence surrounded us, and I didn’t care. My eyes was trying to be busy, I looked at the glass wall.

“I still can’t believe it,” she said, and I could sense she was smiling. “Carrying someone alive, isn’t it amazing?”

I still ignored her, and no, it wasn’t amazing if you have it alone, if you gonna raise it alone, if you have to face people’s stupid judgment alone. Wasn’t she aware of this fact?! I was so angry that I didn’t pay attention at her the last ten minutes.

Eunji was always that independent smart and strong girl, she was way much different than me. Ever since we were born, Eunji always had ten steps in front of me. She was that brilliant girl who used her brain to make any move. She was one of the brightest lawyers at her office. She always had plans on her path. She thought, considered, prepared things even before it happened. But I didn’t think she made a right decision right now. It was stupid. It was not her usual self.

“You’re not listening to me, are you?” her voice startled me, it got much closer than before, I turned left and I found she was now sitting next to me, leaning to my shoulder, with her pouting mouth.

I sighed short, and then sliding my hand around her back, welcoming her petite body into my chest.

“I was just . . thinking,” again I ignored her eyes. But her scent was too strong, it smelled so lovely and I cursed audibly for it. It distracted my anger.

“I know. Thanks, but rather than blaming how stupid my decision is, I would like if you support me. You’re my only best friend after all.”

It did stab my heart. Her words did.

“I know it will be hard, so hard, but I don’t care what people will think of me, I can handle it, but you. I can never overcome it Seungie-ya. If you hate me, if you ignore me, if you leave me, I can never handle it.”

I tilted my head to get better view of her gaze, and she was smiling at me, glowing and shining, and it hurt my heart. It gave me a bunch of hopes which I would never get, and I hated myself for loving her this much. I was getting dumber year by year, I was aware that our line. It was never been more than best friend. I knew it, I remembered it. But each time I tried to move I always ended up hugging her, comforting her, caressing her back, and agreeing what her lips told me, just like now.

“You won’t leave me, will you?”

____

She really knew how to take me down into her spell. I wouldn’t, never. She knew my answer even before I said it. She was always that cruel girl.

Since that spell she put on me, I did never leave her. It was funny though. I was the first person she told about this pregnancy thing, and I also the first one who belittled her decision. Yet here, I was being the over protecting person for her womb.

“Drink your milk!”

“Have you taken your vitamin?”

“No heals Ji!”

“Don’t eat that!”

“Definitely not that dress, it can hurt your womb!”

“Taxi?! No,