denial

Have you ever liked your friend’s girlfriend? Or in my case, liking your own leader’s girlfriend? This was , I could tell. Obviously it wasn’t easy, I even despised myself. And to make it even worse, I couldn’t stop.

I couldn’t properly understand how this feeling worked, I mean, it wasn’t as easy as shutting down your phone, damn, this feeling getting me dumb, how could I compare it with my own phone?

It started since that wedding, someone-I didn’t-know’s wedding. I was sent to attend someone’s wedding in Busan and I met her there. We’ve met before, we’re both idols anyway, we had many chances, but I hadn’t ever realized how charming Jung Eunji was until that certain day. And it happened to be the day I learnt she belonged to my leader.

The right thing to do was normally to get rid of this feeling. I certainly did many things, or to be precise, I didn’t do many things, like for example; I didn’t think of her (which I failed miserably), I didn’t greet her like other members did, and trying to not see her while she’s at our apartment, and I made sure I didn’t smile at her, to think about it, I just turned like a completely arrogant jerk in front of her. That’s how I interpreted her frown back then. Howon told me, Eunji was kinda scared of me. , this was definitely not easy.

What I needed was getting my feeling gone and what I got was scaring her. Maybe she thought me as a weirdo. Remember, I confessed my feeling at the wedding. I was stupid, back then I hadn’t considered that such charming girl had probably had a boyfriend already. That was truly stupid, she was all pretty, and nice, and pretty and nice, , I couldn’t stop.

I had to say that I never experienced this kind of feeling. Once, I coincidently saw both my leader and her cuddling at our apartment. They were so in love, judging from my sudden temper, I could tell how they felt for each other. And to tell the truth, I wasn’t this type of person. I wasn’t the kind who easy getting pissed of what someone had and what I didn’t. No, I wasn’t that kind of person. I did understand that everyone had their own fate, and if Jung Eunji was my leader’s, then it be.

But I couldn’t help, like a real pathetic, my heart always throbbed in a painful way. I felt like I was pitied, for not earning what I dreamt of. Wait, was it my dream? Her?

I didn’t know back then. It seemed like it was. Stupidly, I did realize that instead of fading gone, my feeling of her was growing. She suddenly was casted in a new drama, all the members liked it and left me trapped with them every week just to watch her. And then she showed me so many new expressions, like how she got angry, frustrated, giddy, sneaky, even madly blushed. Damn. I wished it wasn’t a drama and she let me see those look only in front of my face.

One day, within her drama airing days, like usual week, some of us gathered in front of the television. And that night I just happened to catch a weird expression on my leader’s face. He had a frown, and soon his expression darkened. It wasn’t something like jealousy, like an ordinary reaction when you got your girlfriend had too many skinship with unknown male, it wasn’t those kind of scenes, I could assure you. But when he suddenly left the couch, I realized there was something.

Soon, I realized that I didn’t see her often in my apartment. No, of course not. I did not wish them to face something ugly like that, I couldn’t even dare to name it. Call me stupid, no, I didn’t want her to be hurt. Even when I didn’t talk to her much, I knew how much she loved my leader. Still clear in my head the way she gazed at him, it spoke love, and I didn’t ever wish that kind of gaze was broken and left in pain.

I couldn’t even imagine what she felt if things weren’t getting better. . I was a total .

To be honest, I tried my best to not getting into their problem. Whatever it was, I believed they could solve it. But still, I just didn’t want to know she’ll be hurt. Even just imagining it had me angry and frustrated. I hated myself for not having enough power to control everything.

I tried to get distracted with work and stuff. I needed to sink my frustration somehow. And the works somehow helped me, a lot. Once in awhile her smile greeted me in my dream, and if I was lucky she would chuckle at my lame joke. But when I woke, I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere.

The news broke the day I watched Eunji was hugged by Howon, crying on his chest at the rooftop of our apartment. I happened to be there at the very moment. She didn’t see me there but Howon did. Silently he delivered the ugly news through his sad gaze. No, I didn’t celebrate it, how could I? It was strange, because instead of picturing my chances, I got upset instead.

I could hear the way she cried, she’s enduring herself