pretense

This will be the last show.

Yes, this will be the last show, her last show that Kim Jongdae visits. His decision is final. He won’t come again. It isn’t easy, of course. It’s been strangely nice nine months, oh yes, they’ve been together for nine months and still, he believes their relationship is not right.

It started with a plan, Jung Eunji’s plan to take revenge against his ex, Yura. She said one day that Kim Yura would regret anything she did to hurt him. It was stupid, even from the start, Kim Jongdae thought this girl didn’t think normal. He didn’t know her, he knew her but not personally knew her. She’s a campus star, and what kind of reasonable theory that said a campus star dates a no one Kim Jongdae will make the one and only Kim Yura suffer. He didn’t even want that, he didn’t need that.

Yura was always unreachable figure for him. Even when they’ve been together for one year, Jongdae felt there was a big wall between him and that charming girl. It’s like she’s a crystal diamond ring and he’s only an ordinary visible ring box. It didn’t mean he didn’t love her, no, he did and he believed she did too. One year was not a short time. They did a lot together. It’s just strange that in one year he’s feeling rather smaller and weaker just by next to her. Thus, that day came. The day he found out she’s kissing someone else.

It hurt, obviously. The guy she’s kissing was quite popular. To add it, he’s a bit taller than him. Half American, with nice built up body. And apparently that guy is more than him in everything. It’s like, Yura finally found her couple ring. Right. It was wrong all this time. He wasn’t supposed to be her boyfriend when he for sure was a completely no one.

Yet then Jung Eunji came, offering a help. At the beginning Jongdae strongly against this idea. It didn’t make sense. But practically, he found out that Eunji wasn’t the type who listened to people. She would do what she wanted to do, and it’s been quite disturbing.

First time seeing her, she kissed him, to add it she did it in front of Yura. And not only that, out loud she declared to the flustered Yura she’s gonna take him. Jongdae remembers how much he hated that statement. He wasn’t a thing, he’s a human with brain and heart, for goodness’ sake. Those two women or even anyone had no right of taking him.

But Jung Eunji was one persistent girl. And he was always that weak guy. The first month was definitely not his favorite. He was dragged here and there to make sure Yura saw them together. She’s good at acting, yes of course. She’s an actor, the great one. And even if he’s awkward, Eunji would easily control situation. When he didn’t seem convicting, she would suddenly look all sincere and it affected him to reciprocate whatever she did the way she did. Oh yes, he’s sincere, because he thought she’s sincere. But when Yura passed them with a visible hurt, Eunji would shove her act away and leave him perplexed. That’s the real Jung Eunji.

To his loss, there is this little frustrating feeling growing inside him. He didn’t like her, he strongly believed. But as time pass, he found himself often thinking about her. There were moments when they were together without Yura’s presence. They often met at the library, first and second times were coincidence, yet the third and next were planned. There, he would be reading some journals while she’s most of the time studying her script. She looked nice when she didn’t do anything and just stayed still. But then, that time came again, the time when she’s back dragging him here and there just to piss Yura.

He tried to ask her one day, why she did all of this. He was so pissed at that time because she just humiliated him in front people and apparently there was Yura as well—he’s not even surprised. It was on one of her musical shows, she’s a musical actor at their campus. That night at the curtain call, she as the star of the night said, “I would like to close this musical with a song, which please allow me to present it to … Kim Jongdae over there. Thank you for staying with me.”

It was probably the first time he noticed a tingly sensation inside his stomach. No one can blame him. She looked beautiful that night, and shining. And even from the last row people could be easily down by the song she sang. It was magical. He wouldn’t deny, yes, he saw her differently that night.

But then, at the backstage he saw things he shouldn’t. There was an angry Yura there, pushing Eunji’s shoulder, screaming what dirty plan she had more to humiliate her. How far she wanted her to feel the awful hurt. Jongdae learned that time that Jung Eunji and Kim Yura were no different. Both were only looking at him as physical thing. As a winning price, a mere pride.

So, he confronted her after. Furious, humiliated and hurt at the same time.

However, he couldn’t help but all flustered when Eunji for the first time being honest to him.

“I want to hurt her as much as she hurts the guy I loved.”

He was frozen, brain couldn’t work. Contemplating the way she looked at him, he stayed mum. That gaze wasn’t deceiving. And it was probably the first time he trusted her. He didn’t know where this push coming from but right then, he bended down to her, cupping her cheeks and sending the first sincere kiss ever.

Did he start liking this girl? The answer is pretty obvious though it’s not easy to push him admitting that feeling. Even when he questions himself he will just avoid thinking about it and leaving it to the time. Maybe because he doesn’t know what Eunji’s real intention is. Maybe he’s scared if what so called confession she did that night was just an assumption to his sick pride.

So, yes he left it and just stayed still next to her. And during that time he noted that Jung Eunji had so many sides and even though he didn’t say anything Jongdae found each side of her affected him. There is the quiet her, the one who stayed silent each time they were inside the library. He didn’t expect Jung Eunji has this side, it doesn’t mean he’s complaining, no. The quiet Eunji was pretty surprising, when she’s immersed on her study she won’t make unnecessary move. In that shape she just looks plainly endearing and it suits her for some reasons.

There is also the mischievous her, the one that has so much evil stuff just to piss him. He would say he hates that side of her the most. One time Eunji came down from her stage—during her performance—just to sing lively in front of him, and the attention he had to face is no joke. He nearly buried himself alive because of the embarrassment. After that night he often reminded her how much he hated having unnecessary attention yet her reply had successfully frustrated him. She would just laugh, and laugh, and laugh and leave him stunned over that captivating sight.

Eunji is always that cheerful and bright girl, this side is what he believes as everyone’s favorite. However there is a hidden side of her that affects him the most and it isn’t that usual Jung Eunji. She is quiet but not the same quiet as she’s in library. She’s quiet because she’s hurt. And it apparently hurts him as well. It was one day, one cloudy day when they supposed to meet at one nice café. He was late, and he was hurry. When he saw her from the outside of the cafe a small smile greeted him, from the glass wall he noted she’s zoning out waiting for him inside. But then, his eyes found a pain from her gaze, and it’s looking at a direction he had never expected before. Still from the outside, he found the focus of her vision, and it was a familiar guy sitting some tables from her. A guy who used to be one perfect student before certain moment—or to be more precise, a certain girl—ruined him.

That guy wasn’t a new guy, it’s that used to be popular Kim Joonmyun who was once the ace of the international affairs program. He was a sunbae, a popular sunbae in Jongdae’s first year at campus. Jongdae is originally the type who doesn’t give attention to anything, anyone. However Kim Joonmyun was sort of an exception that time around his second year in campus, not when he once punched Jongdae right on the face, not when he had showed him the messy drunkard side of the titular figure Km Joonmyun. And probably it’s true, the reason behind that messiness was also that certain girl, the same girl that hurt him.

There was a short time that circled him together with Joonmyun, he might be oblivious and flustered at the moment as he didn’t know anything, but it seemed different now. It’s getting clear. He used to think whatever happened to Kim Joonmyun had nothing to do with him. Yet he seemed to eventually understand, even though it’s pretty late.

And Eunji’s gaze that moment had him learned, his whole doubt seemed proved right. Even from the beginning it wasn’t him the one she cared about, it’s someone else who turned to be another ex of hers. It maybe was just an assumption, but Jongdae had his way to confirm it. Trust him, he wasn’t just staying still and swallowed his assumption right away. He did research, he looked for some line between Eunji and that guy. Then, the drunk her had proved him right.

It was one rainy night, they had some bottles of soju, she’s the one inviting him. And after some shots, she began hiccupping, and that word escaped. The word he never heard before.

“Sunbae … Kim Sunbaenim … just stay still, I’ll hurt that Kim Yura for you …”

That night had cleared everything, her goal was always to hurt Kim Yura. Yura had ruined the life of the guy she loved, that’s why she needed him. Just like what she said that night. She just wanted to hurt her, and even though she didn’t actually say it, she definitely needed him for this revenge.

What about his feeling then? Does it mean nothing for her? And what about those kisses they had, those several hugs they shared, those rare laughter he had for her? Don’t push him, Kim Jongdae doesn’t even bother to seek for the answer. He doesn’t need an answer when he believes it’s obvious already. Whatever that has happened between them is now nothing for him. It’s just stupid for hoping there is even something.

And today is the day. He’s going to finish it and end it. No more pretenses.

He’s more determined when she’s all smiley, walking to him with a visible joy which now only looks plain in his eyes. She looks all excited for seeing him, people will think how lucky he is for having such girlfriend, but it’s not what on Jongdae’s mind. It’s now all bull. He has promised himself, he will not ever delude himself again. It’s all a mere pretense she has to do in order to gain her goal.

So, even when she’s now wrapping her arms around his body, smelling his scent, Jongdae still blocks himself to feel any affection she has for him.

She stays for more seconds, yet strangely she gains no reaction. Pulling away slowly, she has her brows curl. She scans the look Jongdae has, then after a brief moment he quickly avoids her questioning stare, “You’re quite different,” she catches him.

Instead of replying, Jongdae takes her hand instead, pulling her to walk, “Let’s go home,” he quietly says and with that her smile forms. She reciprocates the grip and interlocks their fingers next.

The night is quite cold, and the street is pretty quiet. Jongdae makes it even quieter by speaking nothing. At time like this, she will stay mum as well just to match his path. Walking next to him, she leans closer, locking his arm throughout the road.

To kill the silence Eunji once or twice hums a random song while swinging