BYUNGHUN POV

It wasn't my intention to eavesdrop.

It really wasn't.

Yet I stood there completely frozen behind the lightly opened bathroom door and it was impossible not to hear the conversation between the two lovers.

“are you still afraid”? Changjo's voice was probably softer than it was ever in his whole life. Probably that was why my curiosity forced me to lightly peek through the door, only to see Chanhee tightly wrapped in Changjo's embrace. Chanhee's blush reminded me of someone else's blush. A very familiar blush, I would say. It reminded me of the way just how cutely Niel would blush every time I would merely even touch him, or kiss him...

reminded me of the way just how much I missed having Niel in my arms.

Chanhee was... in many ways familiar to Niel. With every passing day, I would somehow notice those little similarities that tended to drive me crazy. Whether the style of their clothes, or the way how they both blink twice whenever they are confused or the way how they pout when they're said or even when they're angry. The hell, they even share the same music taste and cry over the same movies... it's like they're twins, although they don't even know each other.

So furthermore, why does he remind me of Niel so much? Why is it that, whenever he smiles, I see Niel instead? Why is it that, when I see him hugging with Changjo, I wish that Changjo was gone and that it was Niel instead of Chanhee in front of me?

“get a hold of yourself” I laughed for myself, shaking my head in disbelief. “he's not coming back.” I had to keep on reminding myself if I wanted to keep at least a bit of my sanity.

As I stepped into the room, I cleared my throat to remind those two that I was back and even though Chanhee seemed to be embarrassed and kept on struggling for his freedom,  Changjo wouldn't let him go.

For some odd reason, I mentally scolded Changjo for not letting him go. He knew how I must have felt seeing them like that, yet why was he so inconsiderate? Was he trying to piss me off? To show me that I had no one now and that he was happy with Chanhee?

No wait, why am I thinking this way? After all, Changjo was the one to suggest I try dating Chanhee to forget about Niel, so therefore wasn't I now just overreacting? He cares for my feelings. And he probably doesn't even realize that it's hurting me...

'right.' I nodded for myself and took a deep breath before throwing myself onto the bed next to the two (still hugging) lovebirds.

“are you two together now”? I asked them, not missing the slight bitterness in my tone. But they hardly seemed to notice that. Although it sounded quite weird when Chanhee just blurted out the word: “No”. Then why...

“he needs more time. I'm just helping him go through it.” Changjo answered my unsaid question and I nodded despite still feeling a little confused.

“aren't you in love with him”? My question was directed to Chanhee and he was very well aware of it, but he lowered his head down and chose to stay silent. And Changjo who was oblivious of that question being directed to Chanhee suddenly grinned and wrapped his arms even tighter against Chanhee's waist. But something seemed off... Chanhee seemed not to be comfortable with that, although I couldn't understand why. Why would he be uncomfortable if he liked Changjo?

“I am in love with him, but I want him to feel free and have a clear mind about his decision.” after what Changjo answered, I felt even more confused. Wasn't he suffocating Chanhee enough already with all the hugs and skinships? I know how pressuring Changjo's skinship moments can be, so I can even perfectly understand Chanhee's position. Maybe it is hard to make a decision for him only because of that. Because Changjo is literally not giving him a space to breathe freely. For all that I know, I was never like that with Niel. Although... what if I was doing wrong? What if Niel wanted just the opposite of what I was giving to him? But if he wanted something more, why just not say it? Why just leave without a goodbye and hurt me beyond possible?

Now officially pissed off, I got up from the bed and went towards the window, breathing raggedly.

I could feel their glances on my back and it frustrated me even more. Like I was expected to be all happy and smiley and never feel depressed. As if I could even do that... despite just wishing to smile happily, all I ever got was a forced smile on my lips and nothing else. And just.. just when I started smiling sincerely next to Chanhee, why did Changjo have to come? Why ruin the only moments where I could feel like my real self, without regretting everything?

No, wait! What am I even talking about? Changjo is my best friend! He's not ruining anything... it's just me who's gotten a little delusional.. it's just me being jealous of his happiness, right? Jealous even after he'd offered me to date the man he loves only for me to be happy... just what is wrong with me?! Why am I such a sick-minded person?!

“Byung-ah, what's wrong”? Changjo worriedly questioned me and I sighed, suddenly feeling so guilty. I slowly turned towards them but locked my glance only with Changjo.

“what did I do wrong”? I asked, not even trying to stop myself from asking that question out loud. Changjo was, of course, confused, but still tried to relax me with the soft look in his eyes. “what are you talking about”?

“did I do something wrong? Was I a bad boyfriend? What did I do for him to just go like that? Was I really such a bad...” before I could even finish that question, Changjo was already in front of me, shaking my shoulders to calm me down. “you did nothing wrong, okay? How many times do I have to tell you that”? Countless times, I wanted to say, but at the end decided not to say anything. Seeing that I wouldn't answer, Changjo sighed and softly smiled. Although it was a sad smile more than anything.

“stop blaming yourself, okay? It's not worth it. He's the only one to blame.”

“no, I don't want to blame him!” came my immediate response that made my eyes tear up for some reason. “he wouldn't blame you either, so you should stop blaming yourself. You know that he would never blame you for anything. So why are you doing that to yourself”? For a while, we just stood there in silence, with nothing else but just staring in each other's eyes. Until I broke the contact and lowered my head down in shame. “you're right... I'm sorry...”

“you don't have to be sorry for anything. You know I'm right here for you.” he comforted me with a hug and I easily relaxed in his arms. But only a moment after remembered that we weren't alone.

I broke the hug and cleared my throat before making my way towards the bed. Chanhee's eyes were unreadable but his body so stiffened that it worried me a little for a moment. As carefully as possible, I uttered an