RICKY POV

Standing in the middle of my dancing studio, with a dimmed light reflecting my face in the mirror, I'd never felt smaller and weaker than now when the truth laid stark in front of me.

Of all the possible places I've searched for my answers, I'd never looked there where I had to.

I never looked into my own heart.

Had I realized it before, would the things end up differently?

“no.” I bitterly smiled as I concluded that I wouldn't have realized it without having to go through such situation. I would have ignored it until it hurt unbearably, until nothing but voiceless screams would echo in a dark, lonely room.

He's gone.

And yet I am seemingly still unfazed by it. No tears are flowing down my cheeks as it is expected. There's nothing but a monotone frown on my forehead, followed by a lonely shadow sparking in my eyes. Will I cry? Yes. Yes I will. Just not now...

The vibration of my phone brought me back to my senses and I just lifelessly reached out for it from my pocket.

It was a message from Chanhee, asking me if I'd come to Changjo's apartment to celebrate Christmas together. Even though it was still only Christmas Eve.

Sure they had many reasons to celebrate. But what did I have? Nothing. I had nothing to celebrate.

But still, I found myself heading there without actually thinking about it. I needed company. I'm not a person that likes loneliness. And without Myungsoo, it felt so...

Lonely...

'remember now Ricky, cherish something that you have while you have it, because it might not be there for you tomorrow anymore.' a voice in my head kept on reminding me of the cruel reality, ruthlessly breaking my heart into pieces.

I might not love him as much as he'd want me to. I know that it's not enough. But I do love him... if not, it wouldn't hurt like this.. it wouldn't..

upon reaching Changjo's apartment, a deep sigh escaped my lips. What will I feel now when I confront Changjo? Do I get to realize yet another confession of my own heart?

Not having the courage to knock on the door, I leaned my back on it instead and closed my eyes, letting the sound of the raindrops fill my ears until I was thinking only about the rhythm of the falling drops.

But as soon as I heard two cheerful voices, I snapped out of my depressed state and opened my eyes to see a smiling Chanhee in front of me, seemingly holding desperately onto Byunghun's arm.

“won't you get in”? Chanhee asked me with yet another soft smile and I only nodded in response, not even bothering with knocking. We just went inside and headed towards the living room where a smiling Changjo already expected us.

Though as soon as he averted his glance to my face, his smile faltered a little and there was even trace of sadness in his eyes as if he knew what had happened to me. But how could he?

Soon enough, Minsoo and Niel arrived too and the whole living room was filled with the sounds of laughter and jokes told mostly by Minsoo and Byunghun.

Until Chanhee voiced out the thing that was bothering him.

“where's Myungsoo? He told me he would come...”

for some strange reason, Changjo snapped his head towards me, as if expecting of me to answer that.

Or else he'd answer.

But he can't know! I must be really imagining things...
“he's gone.” I coldly answered and Chanhee lightly frowned, obviously still confused as to what I was talking about. But it's not like I'd give him any details, anyway...

only Byunghun seemed to be happy about the fact of not having Myungsoo around anymore, as he continued with telling his jokes, this time with even more enthusiasm.

While everyone else was too busy laughing at the current joke, Changjo chose that moment to sit next to me.

“he had visited me few hours ago.” he quietly told me, keeping his eyes on the cheerful group in front of us. It seemed as though he was fully focused on them, but I knew better than that.

“what did he want from you”? I whispered back and Changjo sighed before his head finally turned in my way.

“truth. Comfort. Motivation. A lot of things.” he muttered the words that made no actual sense to me and I couldn't help but deeply frown.

“has he told you about his escape”? My voice sounded rude, despite it not being my intention. But even if he noticed it, Changjo didn't bother to flinch.

“yes he did. I agreed with his decision.” he simply answered and my eyes widened in shock. He knew about it?! He knew and... didn't even bother to prove him otherwise?

“before you start judging me... I can only say that I'd had my reasons.”

“as if you'd ever understand him”! I snapped at him and he shook his head, staring at me in disbelief.

“Ricky, can I ask you something”? He quietly whispered and I nodded despite not being sure if I actually wanted to hear his question.

“do you know what it feels like to look at someone you love and know that that person doesn't love you back”? His eyes slightly drifted towards a laughing Chanhee, and the look in his eyes softened. But as he turned towards me, I could notice the confused spark in his eyes, as if he had some puzzle to solve, but had no idea how to solve it.

As I shook my head, Changjo bitterly smiled. “then how can you judge any of us? How when... you're not fully even aware of what love is”? He had a point there. However, I wouldn't just admit it.

“I do love him”! I tried to defend myself though it didn't seem to be enough.

“the question is, in which way? Do you love him more as a man... or a friend”? I was about to answer, but stopped myself somewhere in the middle as I realized that I had no answer at all. It was a tricky question, after all.

“you were searching for the answers on the wrong place again, Ricky.” he softly ruffled my hair and got up. “I'll let you think about it for a while.”

but that 'a while' turned into hours.

I was completely unaware of others who were too lost in their own happiness, while I was so... confused.

There wouldn't be any space for doubt about my answer, were it not for Changjo.

And his way of dancing.

Every time I watched Myungsoo dance, I felt proud, amazed and only slightly flustered.

But while watching Changjo... I don't look at him only in that way. There's always something attracting me about him, making me unable to take my eyes off him...

doesn't that mean being attracted to someone?

As I realized that I was not moving anywhere from my zero spot of search for my answer, I buried my head in my hands and deeply sighed.

How do I find out if I love Myungsoo as a man if I don't even know what love is?

CHANGJO POV

“he's not fully aware of his feelings... nor does he know the real meaning of love.”

I remembered what Myungsoo told me before he left.

He had also said that what Ricky felt for him wasn't attraction. More of a deep connection and respect. And that it would never change so he decided that it was better for him to leave and clear all the doubts for Ricky once and for all.

But while watching Ricky freaking out like th