BYUNGHUN POV

today I was feeling unusually grumpy. Especially right now.

Strangely, it was not because of the loud clamour in the school's canteen.

It was because the chair in front of me was empty today. Chanhee wasn't eating with us.

“mind if I take that cookie”? Changjo asked and I absent-mindedly nodded, not caring about anything at all.

I kept on staring at the empty chair, finding it ridiculous that it was empty. Niel noticed exactly where I was staring at and he frowned, but said nothing.

Does Niel know?

“why is Chanhee not here”? I calmly spoke the question out loud, taking a bite of my bread. While Niel was too busy fidgeting on his spot, Changjo seemed to be ready to give me the answer. “he wants to be alone.” the hidden meaning in his eyes telling me that Niel had indeed found out. “only for today or..”? I haven't even noticed how desperate my voice was. I was missing him already so much that I couldn't even pretend anymore that Chanhee didn't mean anything to me.

“no, I think he... doesn't want to hang around with us.. for a long time.” his answer made me frown deeply and I just couldn't shake the uneasy feeling inside of me.

Would every day be like this from now on? Without him sitting in front of me, stealing glances at me every once in a while? Even the mere thought of not talking to him anymore made my insides burn in fear. I wouldn't be able to keep my distance. Not at all.

I gulped and glanced at the clock, seeing that there was half an hour more until our classes began. He wouldn't actually... be alone all this time, would he?

“ah fudge this!” I yelled with my utter annoyed voice and got up in the light of the speed, ready to go find Chanhee. But then Niel caught my hand and made me turn towards him.

“where are you going”? He asked and I instantly grimaced upon hearing that. “what kind of a question is that? I'm gonna go get Chanhee! He doesn't deserve to be treated this way!” I snarled at him and his eyes immediately got pained. But I was feeling so pissed off to the point of not even being able to feel sorry for him.

But he still let go of my hand, and I quickly ran to search for Chanhee.

I had a feeling that he would be on the rooftop so I hurried over there to find him.

And my guesses were right. He was sitting there, all alone, food laying forgotten next to him. He didn't even notice my arrival until I sat right next to him.

“w-what are you doing here”? He gasped. But instead of answering him right away, I just shifted a little closer to him and leaned my head onto his shoulder. “I missed you.” I softly whispered and I could tell that he was speechless. Though I was thankful he didn't push me away. I was sure I wouldn't be able to endure yet another one of his rejections.

“does Niel know”? I asked him, more seeking for a confirmation than actually feeling curious to know. I was sure the answer was positive, though.

He stiffened a little after that, but still muttered a quiet “yes.”

I reached out for his hand and, after a while of trying to refuse my touch, he actually accepted my hand and then leaned closer to me, without me even having to ask for it. But I realized why he'd done that as soon as I heard the first muffled sob.

“I don't want to be alone...” he quietly admitted, letting shaky breaths out. As he started trembling, I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and made him lean his head onto my chest so he could be comfortable. Ruffling his hair softly, I started talking. “Niel needs some time. Let him calm down and you'll see that he'll be the old Niel who's full of comprehension once again. Try to understand him”

“I do, I understand him! But it hurts too much...” he whispered in pain and I couldn't help but blame Niel a little for making Chanhee cry so much. After all, it wasn't Chanhee's blame in the first place. If anyone should be blamed, it should be me. Niel should have confronted me instead of Chanhee. But this way, he had showed just how cowardly he is. He knows that I could easily win the argument and so he attacked the weaker person. But he won't get away so easily. There's still our conversation to go through.

“I'll talk to him, don't worry. It'll be alright.” I continued comforting him, even though my chest was flaring with anger. There were so many conflicted emotions in my heart right now that I felt like I was losing my mind slowly. I still wasn't sure what exactly I was feeling for Chanhee, nor did I know if I still had some feelings for Niel. Chanhee was confusing me even more because he'd clearly stated how he isn't in love with me, but yet he always somehow ends up crawling into my embrace to seek for comfort as if he actually does feel something for me.

I don't know what to even think anymore!

“I thought you'd side with Niel...” Chanhee spoke quietly after a while and my head reflexively turned towards him. His statement made me frown.

“why would I side with him”? I questioned him and he shifted uncomfortably on his spot, thus unconsciously leaning even closer to me.

“you know.. he is your boyfriend after all. Was. Whatever...” his cheeks then grew a slight shade of pink and I couldn't help but find it adorable. He was always so shy...

“I had made my decision long time ago.” I stated, averting my glance on the sky above me. Just feeling his warmth made my insides slightly melt and I had a feeling that if it was possible, I'd stay like this with him forever. I'd never let go of him. But there was yet a long road in front of us. And I was aware of that fact.

“decision”? Chanhee asked in confusion and I lightly chuckled, brushing my thumb against his left cheek. “I had chosen you.” I took a small pause, examining his red cheeks and admiring his sparkly eyes before continuing. “I just... need to know the truth. If you really were.. telling the truth that day in the bar. About not actually being in love with me...” with every spoken word, my voice became weaker and weaker. Was it because I was afraid of the answer or whichever other reason, now I was slowly becoming a little cowardly.

“I lied.” Chanhee whispered after a while and it took me some time to fully register his words. It was so quiet that I couldn't even be sure that he had even spoken them, but somehow I was sure that I was right. Now gaining more courage, I took his hand into mine and made him look into my eyes. “was Niel the reason why you kept on running away from me”? Once again embarrassed, Chanhee nodded his head and then lowered it down. I unconsciously smiled.

“I'm glad to hear that.” was the only thing I could say, but it felt right.

Now only silence wrapping around us, we were left to deal with our own thoughts. I had a feeling that Chanhee was expecting to find my answer out, that he was waiting for me to confirm my feelings towards him. But no matter how many times I tried opening my mouth, nothing could come out.

It seems like I'm only leading him on, huh? But I was confused myself, so I couldn't help but just stay silent. I don't want to end up saying something stupid or something I'll regret afterwards. I want to be sure of my feelings before making another step.

Though, is Chanhee patient enough?

With a deep sigh, I encouraged myself to utter the next sentence. “I'm not yet sure what I feel for you.” a part of me was expecting to see him grimace in pain or something, but his face remained expressionless. Making me wonder even furthermore if he was hiding his feelings from me right now.

“I care a lot about you, a lot more than about Niel.” that was right, though. “but I don't want to rush into conclusions. I don't want you to be only a... replacement.” even I had a hard time saying that, because it sounded wrong. “you're a nice guy and you deserve a  royal treatment.” I chuckled, almost immediately remembering Changjo. He sure did hold Chanhee on the pedestal. He was always such a romantic soul unlike me who couldn't even take care of myself so how could I take care of someone else instead? Not often did it make me wonder how come Chanhee never fell for Changjo. I mean, they even look so nice together, like a match from heaven. Why was he so stubbornly holding onto an idiot like me?

“something I currently can't give to you.” I bitterly admitted, feeling like punching myself in the face. Why is it so hard to just admit my damn feelings?!

“it's alright.” Chanhee finally spoke, though in a quiet whisper. His face might have been expressionless, but his voice was telling me just how hurt he was. And it made my heart ache.

“would it be selfish of me to ask for more time? Would you... wait for me”? I asked, tenderly caressing his hand with my thumb. His eyes for a moment wandered towards out linked hands before making their way back on my face.

“I admire your honesty.” he chuckled halfheartedly but then sighed. “I'd rather hear the truth than to be blinded by lies, as always. I'll... give you as much time as you need. But... you know the consequences. Don't expect me waiting for too long. I might