CHANHEE POV

they say everything is easier when you grow up.

On the other hand, they say everything is happier when you're a kid.

Well then, I don't want to grow up! I want to be like Peter Pan, forever a kid lost in the Neverland, carelessly happy. Because being happy makes everything easier. So therefore, isn't it better to be a kid?

Can I just be a kid?

Yes, I should do that!

“mom, can I have a glass of milk please”? I asked my mom, full of aegyo, and her eyes widened in surprise. “what are you doing”? She suspiciously questioned me, and I pouted. “I want a milk, or else I'll start crying”! I made a crying face and she rolled her eyes at my sudden odd behaviour.

“behave yourself. You're not a kid anymore.”

“but I am”!

“no you're not. Now go into your room and study for a change”!

And that was obviously the end of that discussion. I couldn't be a kid. Nor did I want to be an adult anymore...

rather slowly, I changed myself into some comfortable clothes and got ready to meet with Byunghun. Although I felt hundreds of some stupid butterflies in my stomach, I tried to ignore them and act like nothing was going on. But inside of my mind, everything was going on! Why was I suddenly so shy around him? Was it because Changjo kissed me... omo! No! I don't want to even think about that kiss! He stole my first kiss away from me and I did nothing to defend myself!

As if I could even fight against him... it's not just that he's at least three times stronger than me, but he has a persuasive character. He doesn't give up on something that he wants, so therefore, how long will this “crush” of his last for? I really don't want this to continue...

as I reached the bar, I proudly concluded that I was late only for five minutes perhaps. Yes, I was late again, but this surely was a progress. I am usually late for at least half an hour or so. I came here actually rather early.

I spotted Byunghun sitting on the same place as yesterday and today he looked kinda tired. He was wearing a warm, red sweater and seemed to be annoyed with the sleeves because he kept on adjusting them. His hair was lightly messed up, a habit of his I would say. If I noticed everything in particular about him actually is that he passes his hand through his hair every once in a while. Maybe he is expressing his nervousness or boredom, I never actually managed to conclude why exactly he was doing that.

With a deep sigh, I approached his table and sat across him, earning a small smile from him. For some reason, I couldn't make myself to utter even a simple hi. Instead, I just nodded in his way and then payed attention to my backpack, as I was slowly taking all the needed things out from it.

“you are unusually quiet today. Is something wrong”? He asked and as I found myself startled because of that sudden question, my notebook suddenly slipped away from my hands and I found myself blushing for being so clumsy. “nothing's wrong.” I quickly said before bending down to pick my notebook up.

I encouraged myself to look up at him and smile widely to assure him that everything was fine. If I was good at anything else except of writing, then I was good at acting. And I had a feeling that I would be using my acting abilities much more frequently now that I'm around him.

“is Changjo giving you a hard time”? He questioned me with a sly smile on his face and my eyes widened. “w-what are you talking about”? I asked, acting dumb just to escape this topic.

“he told me today about this crush of his... I mean,” he quickly told me before a shy smile appeared on his face. “it's alright if you like guys.”

now why doesn't ground open up when I want it? I feel so ashamed!!

“no, I.. I mean.. I.. I am not into... I...” why, just why am I stuttering so much? Can't I just make one proper sentence?! What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I blushing so madly only because of that?!

“it's alright if you like him, you know? He is quite handsome.” he said as if he realized that fact for the first time in his life. Although he was so wrong. “no, no, you misunderstood all of this.. you see, I don't like him”! I defended myself and felt mad at him for laughing so suddenly. “why did you react to the kiss then”? He teased and I immediately facepalmed, more embarrassed than I've ever been in my entire life.

“I might be... slightly into... guys...” I quietly said, hoping that he didn't hear it, but of course he did. He always hears the things I don't want him to hear.

He laughed and as he saw me glaring at him, he sent an apologetic look in my way. “will you forgive me if I told you that I might have lied to you”? Now was my time to curiously eye him and I chose to stay silent and wait for him to explain it all.

“the she from my story is actually a...he.” he said and I groaned in frustration. Why would he lie about that? Why make me go through all of this only to just now tell me that he's actually gay?! It was actually better when I didn't know it... now I might get some stupid hopes and I don't want that to happen. I really just want my old life back.

“then why didn't you tell me right from the beginning”? I accused him and he sighed, once again passing with his hand through his hair.  “I didn't know how you would react to that or if you would have something against me liking a guy... I didn't want to risk.”

“do I seem like a person with prejudices”? My voice sounded annoyed, the same as I actually even felt like. “I can't tell what a person is like when I see him for the first time. I don't like walking blindly into things.”

“oh no, but you like making others blind. If I don't like something, then it's the dishonesty”!

“yet you very much lied to me too the day we met.” now was the time to open a glaring battle between us. Who was more angry, I couldn't tell. But I knew that I didn't want to be there anymore.

“then our deal is over. Find yourself another writer.” I coldly told him and got up from the chair, ready to leave the bar, but when his hand caught mine and pulled me back to my previous seat, everything changed. My anger seemed to be fading away, if only because of that mere touch of his hand. And as we locked our glances together, I found myself unable to be angry anymore. Instead, I felt even kinda lost.

“stay.” he softly told me and finally let go of my hand. And I suddenly missed the warmth of it. “and I promise to never lie to you again.” he finished his sentence and I found myself nodding like a fool.

So weak.

So weak I felt.

Against his eyes.

As I realized that I was actually heading insane, I averted my glance and opened the notebook only to keep myself busy with something, instead of dealing with whatever I was feeling right now. Especially because I don't want him to know just in which way I think of him. At least not until I myself figure out what I actually feel towards him.

“just tell me honestly... do you like Changjo”? His sudden question made me widen my eyes and I was once again feeling rather startled.

I nervously shifted on my seat and gulped, lifting my head up to look at him. But as I looked into his eyes, the sudden change in my inside and the uncomfortable feeling inside my chest made me behave quite cowardly. I chose to escape from my own cage, I tried fighting against my feelings and hide whatever I felt for him.

So when I said: “yes.” I wasn't even quite registering that word escaping from my lips. I thought we promised to each other that we wouldn't lie again, but I needed to lie so I could finish his story without getting attached to the story teller. I needed to lie in order to protect myself from getting hurt.

Although, something was telling me that I was too late. And that I couldn't retreat anymore.

“good. You'll see that he'll make you happy.” Byunghun's honest smile hurt me more than he would ever be able to know.

I wasn't dumb.

Slow with brain, yes, but not dumb.

Just slow enough to realize only now that I was falling in love with the man in front of me. And that there was no way to stop myself from feeling that way.

But dumb enough to let myself being caught in that trap.

As the days were passing, Byunghun's story was slowly making the progress. I already had about seven chapters of it and found myself even amazed by them. There was something about that love story, something that could mesmerize every single reader. It seemed like a simple love story, but held so many secrets behind that simpleness. But if anyone wanted to find out those secrets, they had to read carefully. It was not a story that could be read in between the lines, but something that you needed to feel in order to get the point.

I felt it. I felt every single word of it.

But having Byunghun in front of me, and only listening to those words made me hurt even more. I tried shielding myself away from those feelings but it was impossible. I was already stuck.

What the worse thing was, I had to avoid Changjo in school, afraid that he would approach me again and only God knows what another idea would cross his mind. I most certainly did not need even him on my back.

Especially because of these certain feelings I had for Byunghun.

The next time we met up, he asked me to meet him at the park.

It was a sunny autumn day, but light breeze was still pinching my cheeks, so I needed to bring my jacket along. I liked autumn. I could spend one whole day outside, just staring at the leaves slowly falling down from the trees without getting bored. I could easily get lost in the simpleness of the nature. And I liked the feeling of freedom it gave me. I felt as if I could fly and no one would be able to stop me.

“earlier than me? Wow, that must be a new world record for you.” I could hear Byung