RICKY POV

January.

One of those months in the year I hate the most.

Not only because of the bad weather, but also because it represented loneliness for me.

A few years ago, at this very same time my depression had increased to such level that I had to run away from everyone I knew back there. It was the day when I said what I then thought was the final goodbye to Myungsoo.

A few days ago, I also ran away again. But this time not literally. I ran away from my own feelings, too afraid to actually confront them.

Still, after all these years, the insecurity still had me tightly wrapped in its embrace and I couldn’t escape it. No, actually I didn’t even want to escape it. I was perfectly fine exactly where I was. Happy, even.

Or that’s what I’d been trying to assure myself with whole this time.

At least when I said goodbye to Myungsoo, it really was a goodbye. I hadn’t seen him for years. On the other hand there’s Changjo whom I see every day, to whom I need to smile widely every time I see him despite my insides threatening to crumble apart, Changjo who only needs to look at me and I’m already lost in my head.

“Take a deep breath Ricky.” I told to myself as I opened the door of my studio, feeling so afraid of today’s practice that I couldn’t stop my hands from shivering. It wasn’t because I was afraid of dancing, that never.

But the problem is one of the dancers. The one who always takes place closer to the radio and who always gets so immersed into music that I sometimes need to call out for his name a few times before he responds. And which, among so many dancers in the room, always steals my focus.

Still, I couldn’t let the fear control me. It was me who had decided that we were better off as friends, so it was me who had to be the courageous one now.

Knowing that I was already late, I hurried to get changed and managed to do that quite fast. Taking another deep breath, I forced myself to step into the studio where I was met with a cheerful atmosphere.

I did my best not to look in the direction of the radio.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” I said and a few of the girls shouted out that it wasn’t a problem and then giggled. That made me chuckle slightly.

“okay. So… The last time we were here, I proposed we create a choreography with one of you singing a song. So, is there anyone courageous enough to sing”? I asked and one of the giggling girls from earlier shyly lifted her hand up. “I could sing.” I nodded and smiled at her, which made her already red face become even more reddened.

She then headed towards the corner where a guitar and a piano were placed and cautiously grabbed the guitar in her hands. She bit her lip and sent both Changjo and me a hesitant look before voicing her question out loud. “would you two mind trying to dance together? I mean, after you of course, Changjo is the best dancer here.” I again heard girls giggling somewhere behind me and I needed to gather a lot of courage to act nonchalant, as it the thought of dancing with Changjo didn’t bother me at all.

But inside, I was screaming in both agony and excitement.