[CONTENTID1]TRY HARDER - KAI'S POV[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]A/N: arghhhhh long chapter ahead. Long as in literally just over 5k words O_O I don't know why but this chapter was soooooo hard to write. I'm happy for the most part with how it turned out....it's not as good as I wanted it to be but I really hope you guys like it anyway. <3

P.S Chanyeol and Zelo are competing for my ultimate bias and Zelo is winning. I'm sorry Yeol oppa!! >.< D':

edit: so it's around 1pm on Friday here in the UK. I wasn't planning on posting this chapter so soon (I was gonna wait another day) but I'm ing furious. Have I ever mentioned that I hate SM? No, like I REALLY REALLY hate them and I hope the company burns to the ground. you, SM, for taking away one of my biases. you for being ty people. First they ripped out my heart with Kris leaving now they're ting on the remains by chasing off Luhan. I'm done. I need a hiatus.

 I'm literally crying right now. Oppa :'(

 I literally can't even with Zelo though. 

It had now been a month since the breakup and I'd be lying if I said dealing with it was any easier. There was a hole in my heart where Penelope used to be and I desperately wanted, needed her back. The tension between us was only worsening; awkward stares across the classroom, stiff looks when one of our friends talked about valentine's day, wary glances when either one of our names were said. Penelope was my air: sure, I could hold my breath for a while but soon my chest would constrict, the pain would set in and the urge to take a gulp would surpass all my other needs. I'd been holding my breath for a month now and the pain was unbearable.

"Why do you hate me?" My head snapped up and I gave my mother a confused look. She was glaring at me. "Answer me, pabo." 

"What do you mean? Of course I don't hate you." I reached for her hand but she slapped it away.

"You must hate me. You come here everyday with that gloomy look on your face. You won't tell me what's eating you up, you must want me to suffer. You must hate me," she continued, drumming her thin fingers on her stomach. I sighed and reached for her again, this time, she let me grasp her hand. "Speak to me, my sweet."

"I don't know what I'm doing, umma," I admitted, looking down shamefully. "I threw away something good and I want it back...but I don't think it wants to come back."

"Why not? You're a sweet boy. You're hardworking, you're loving. How could anyone say no to that face?" She grabbed my face and pinched my cheeks together, childishly squishing them. "You're precious. You're just a little...stupid...at times. Give Penelope time, she'll come back." I sighed, taking her hand off my face. 

"I don't know how much longer I can do this. I really love her, umma," I mumbled, meeting my mother's wise eyes. It broke my heart to see her so frail and weak, even more so than she had been a month ago. The cancer was quickly spreading to the furthest parts of her body. I really didn't know how long she had left to live - and it scared me. A lot. Deciding to direct the topic of conversation elsewhere, I grabbed a book from my bag and placed it on her lap.

"What's this?" She asked, shakily opening it and flipping the first page over. "Songbook?" I nodded and a little smile graced her face as she read through the lyrics. "Baby Don't Cry. Poetic, huh? Is it about Penelope?" 

"Maybe," I shrugged. "I just wanted to show you that I'm starting to focus a little on music again. I've been using the school's dance studio to...release pent up aggression, I guess you could say." She chuckled and patted the back of my hand.

"Good. I hated it so much when you gave up on that dream...I want you to be happy, Jongin-"

"I am happy, umma. I'll be happier once I have a good job and I can help you," I told her and she sighed, shaking her head.

"Don't you understand that you can't help me that way? The best thing you could do for me is follow that dream of yours. If I die tonight or in a month or in a year or maybe even in ten years, I won't have die happy because it'll be on my conscience that I prevented my darling boy from doing what he loves - dancing." I took a few moments of silence to chew on her words. Of course I knew she was right, I could see it on her face every time she asked me what I was going to do with myself after high school. Speaking of which, I had offers from three of my chosen colleges, excluding an offer from a top dance school in Chicago. The latter was obviously the one I wanted most but the first three would ensure I obtained a secure job. 

"I don't want to lose you, umma," I murmured, lowering my forehead to her lap. I felt her fingers lace through my dark hair and massage my scalp. Her touch, despite being very faint, was warm and soothing. I felt like I was five years old again and cuddling with her in my parent's bed. 

*

My tiny feet tingled against the cold wooden floorboards. I wiggled my toes and shuddered every time they touched the icy surface. Tightening my grip around my Bugs Bunny stuffed animal, I pattered to my parents' bedroom and waited outside the door. Pressing my ear against it, I listened in and the sound of deep breathing and snoring reflected back to me. A shadow moved behind me and I squeaked, pushing open the door and rushing in. I dove into the large bed and buried myself under the covers. I jumped when I bumped into my mother's side and she jolted out of her sleep, a little cry escaping her lips.

"Jongin, you scared me half to death!" She gasped as I crawled to the top of the bed and she pushed the covers off my head, revealing my round face. A smile etched across her pretty face and she brushed a hand through my hair. "Did you have another nightmare, baby?" I nodded timidly and she smiled again, scooping me into her arms and placing me on her lap. "Want to talk about it?"

"It was really scary," I said, the images flashing in my head like a movie. "You and daddy were there. But you forgot me at the supermarket and I started crying then-then, and then, and then monsters came out of the cereel-"

"Cereal," she corrected.

"Cereal and it was really scary. Then, and then, then they started chasing me and I fell in a puddle and then I woke up," I continued, chills rolling down my spine at the fresh memory. "Can I sleep here tonight, umma?" 

"Of course you can, baby," she cooed, kissing me head lovingly. My father stirred from his sleep and rolled over, looking up at us with tired eyes. A grin broke out of his face and he sat up, ruffling my already fluffy hair. "Jonginnie had another nightmare." 

"We should get you a dream catcher," he suggested, tapping my nose. "Or we could use our fists and beat those nightmares away together. Those monsters won't know what hit them!" He put his hands up to his face and made them into claws, growling like a beast. I giggled and started hitting him, though not hard in case I really hurt him. "No, no! Stop, Prince Jongin, you're too strong for meeeee!"

"I am the great Prince Kim Jongin!" I bellowed, bouncing to my feet and pointing down at him. He cowered before me and I smiled victoriously, placing a fist over my heart as I looked out to my imaginary crowd of villagers. "Fear not, my people. I will protect you and slay this dragon!" 

"I thought he was a beast," my mother whispered.

"Ummaaaaaa," I whined, stomping my little foot. "You ruined it. Now I have to start again."

"Ok, ok, ok. Sorry," she chuckled, raising her hands in defeat. Sighing, I straightened my back and rolled my shoulders back. My chin raised, I placed my hand over my heart again and looked out to the same crowd. 

"Fear not, villagers. I will slay this dragon and protect you!" 

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" My mother shouted, cackling like a witch as she tackled me to the mattress and mercilessly tickled me. I squealed and screamed, laughter erupting from me like a livid volcano. My father joined in, tickling my mother in hopes of saving himself from a brutal slaying. "You fool! You dare help the one who wants to slay you?"

"I believe in the Prince, oh wicked witch of...of...of the Kim's!" He retorted and I sniggered, scrambling to my feet. I placed my small hand on my father's shoulder and squeezed it.

"You are now a royal guard to the Prince," I said. 

"You're both royal pains in the ," my mother muttered and earned a swat on the backside from my father. She squealed and tackled him. I leapt into them and landed on my his stomach, stealing his breath. "Oucha. Be careful with appa, he's not as soft as he acts." He chuckled and pecked her cheek. "Okay, time for bed now."

"N'awwww," I moaned and she silenced me with a kiss on the lips. Picking me up, she placed me in between them and he fluffed my pillow before placing it under my head just as I was lowered onto it. They both settled into comfortable positions with my mother lying on her side, her head propped up on hand. "I'm still scaaaared."

"Oh, shush," she giggled, brushing my hair out of my face. "You're just a really good actor. Or I'm just soft enough to fall for your act every time." I sniggered and draped an arm over my forehead.

"Nah, I'm just a good actor," I grinned, staring up at her. Then, I remembered the poster I'd seen downtown and gasped. I turned my face so that I was looking at my father. "Appa, I want to start ballet. And jazz! Jazz-hands!" I wiggled my fingers in his face and he chuckled, kissing each of them. "I want to be the best dancer in the whole world-universe. Even Mars!" 

"Then work hard and never give up," my dad said and I nodded determinedly. "No matter what, you have to do what you love. Otherwise, what are you gonna have left when umma and appa go off to the big house in the sky?"

"Appa's right. Promise umma you'll never give up," she ordered softly and I nodded, jutting out my pinky.

"Promise," I beamed, shaking hers. She smiled and pressed a kiss on my forehead before pulling the covers over my chest. I nuzzled into her side and sighed happily when I felt my father wiggle closer to us. "Promise-y, promise-y." She buried her hand into my black mane and caressed my head. Fatigue began to cloud my vision and I felt my body relax completely, sleep slowly claiming me. She began humming a sweet tune and it was all that occupied my thoughts as I drifted into a calm abyss.

*

"That's not up to you, Jonginnie," she murmured, still running her fingers through my hair. "Death is inevitable. You can't escape it, you can only prepare for it." A wheezy cough escaped her thin lips and my heart strained in my chest. "Remember the promise you made me?" 

I nodded slowly. "I remember."

"Good. Now go get your girl back." 

~

The smell of roasted coffee beans and fresh bakeries permeated the little café. I stood at the door, my eyes scanning the tables for the team I'd called in. A small smile found itself onto my face when I met eyes with Chanyeol. He waved me over to the table occupied by him, Baekhyun, Chen, Xiumin and Kyungsoo. I made my way over to the group and sat down.

"Hey,